Disappointments...

It can be difficult, at times, to manage one's disappointments in a way that is neither self-indulgent nor abusive of others' goodwill... I have a particularly difficult time not acting like a petulant child who has been denied a treat when I find myself disappointed, and it just makes life that much more unpleasant when I do so. I found out this week that I had been overly confident of my ability to win the coveted and much-needed job offer from the City... instead, I was notified that I had been placed on the wait list for up to twelve months, and might have a slight chance that they would call me back at some time during the ensuing year. My hopes had been so desperately and passionately pinned to that job that it was crushing to read the email and realize I am still so many steps away from reaching my goals.

There were so many things I had hoped would come along with that job, and not just the usual ones related to career, professional development, intellectual challenges, and so on. I also wanted some perks-- things like being able to buy Ethan more than one pair of closed-toe shoes, or a windbreaker that fits, or hold-on-let-me-catch-my-breath maybe even take him someplace nice like the zoo, or camping, or (gasp!) the ocean.

There are moments when I feel overwhelmed by how much we pay out in regular bills and owe in student loans and how little we bring in, and in those moments my future stretches out in front of me so bleak, so full of struggle that I feel like breaking down in tears. I want more for my son than this life of eking out an existence and praying to make rent each month. Then there are those times when I see how much more we have than so many millions of other families, and I want to stop my whinging and complaining and just relish the simple joys of a healthy child with a functional body and mind...

I want to learn acceptance, and serenity, and gratitude... I want to be happy for what I have without accepting less than what we deserve and need... I want to keep striving for more without being constantly barraged with feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction from not having reached a goal within a certain time frame... perhaps I need a life coach of some sort, someone who can help me restrain my yearnings a bit and help me become more content and less aware of the feeling of "not" having/being/doing...

Time for a soul search.