Darkening

Sometimes it's hard not to be completely overwhelmed by circumstances, no matter how well prepared you think you are or how rational you try to be about the situation. I've been seeing previews of the movie "2012" lately, and it has actually raised the same questions that I always ask of myself when watching these end-of-the-world, apocalyptic movies. The question is this: In the face of what is probably an inescapable doom, would I fight to survive, or just curl up and let it wash over me? It may seem obvious that the answer is to fight and struggle and keep going until your last breath; but is it, really? Remember when you were young, and playing chase or hide-and-seek could get downright scary because you just knew, deep down in your heart, that someone was coming after you-- inexorably, inescapably, unavoidably-- and that sooner or later they would catch you? Remember how it filled you with terror at times, and that there were moments when you just wanted to jump out of your hiding place and say "I'm here!" or stop running and let them catch you? That's sometimes what I think I might do when faced with overwhelming odds. A world-destroying quake in 2012, a world-ending freeze in Day After Tomorrow, a world-changing invasion in Apocalypto; would I be the heroic type who does everything imaginable to get to safety and keep loved ones close as well? Or would I be the girl from Last of the Mohicans who, seeing a future of captivity and brutality, steps off the edge of a cliff? I'd like to think I'd go for the first option, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just too fatalistic for a situation that seems all but hopeless. Then again, that's kind of what life feels like right now, what with our income dropping to below $2000/month for two adults and a toddler-- and that's before taxes-- and I still haven't given up. My spirit hasn't broken yet. Cracked a little, maybe; but not broken. /:)

Waving Madness

Another milestone was hit last weekend: Ethan started waving bye-bye. We were at my parents' house, and my mom said "Bye bye, Ethan" while waving at him. Out of the blue, he just starts waving his right hand at her. We've been working with him on it for the past month or two, and he finally made the connection this weekend. How cool was that?

Oh, and we are hitting a really bad teething session right now. His gums have actually started bleeding a few times, which was scary to see. I'm probably going to start rubbing his gums with a damp cloth to help ease those teeth through, and help provide some comfort for him as well. Hopefully he lets me stick my finger in his mouth, as he has been very reluctant to let anyone near his teeth for the past few days. And no wonder!

Walker, Texas Walker

Last weekend, we hit a milestone. Ethan started walking! Well, toddling, really, but still-- it was awesome. We sat a few feet away from each other and sent him back and forth between us over and over again, just thrilled at his ability to keep balanced while taking those three or four steps alone. He was so excited about it, too. Sometimes he would get so excited that he would topple right over, but usually he would manage to keep upright long enough to get to one of us. We even got it on video; once I can figure out how to post that stuff on here, I'll get it going. I'm so happy for him; he has been really frustrated lately at his inability to get around the way he wants to-- by walking-- and I think that once he masters this, he'll be having tons of fun in no time. And by fun, of course, I mean that he'll be coming up with new and creative ways to get into every bit of trouble available in this house. Can't wait!

Unsure...

We're trying to slowly introduce a wider variety of solid foods into Ethan's diet, so that eventually he can start relying less and less on milk as his main source of food. So far, we have sporadic luck. He usually prefers to eat what we're eating, so I've pretty much stopped buying baby food. Very rarely, he'll eat a container of fruit, but he typically pushes anything pureed away immediately. One thing he definitely loves, just like his mama, is mangoes. He can't get enough of those bad boys! A friend of ours just gave us a bunch of ripe mango slices, and I'm pretty sure they'll be wiped out by the end of the week.

The funny thing is, it's actually difficult for *us* to get used to feeding him solids. It is obviously a lot easier to just give him a bottle and be done with it. Taking out regular food, dicing it up, making sure it's warm enough but not too warm, being careful about the salt content, and then working with him on getting said food into his mouth is all a lot of work. The thing that I keep trying to explain to his other parent is that there is an end goal here: Ethan being able to feed himself. Ethan being able to eat a regular meal of solids and liquids. Ethan growing up to be a self-sufficient child and adult. Maybe I should make a few motivational posters, or something, to keep our eyes on the prize. ;)

Here's one of our latest attempts at feeding. He pushed the spoon away several times, so I just gave him the food on my fingers. He makes these hilarious faces when he first tastes the food, but then he chews and swallows and opens up for more. It's like, "What is this crazy, strange-smelling, weird-tasting, oddly-textured stuff you're trying to shove in my face? Wait a second-- give me some more!!"

Sleep, I Miss You

Last night, there was a coup. The days (weeks, months) of waking up a couple of times a night to tend to the baby's needs are now over. There's a new sheriff in town, and she is severely sleep-deprived and taking no prisoners. The inspiration came from this article: Rituals to Help Baby Sleep Through the Night. Although a good friend (K!) also told me the same thing in early August. Tee-hee!

Ethan was doing fine, sleeping through the night, for a few months before we went on our ten-day camping trip in August. Since then, he has been waking up at least once, if not several times a night, and we usually end up going in and giving him a bottle once or twice a night. Even with that, his sleep is restless and noisy, and he hardly seems to get any real rest anymore. Just like us. Well, those days are over. Not only is it wrong to comfort him with food, but it's not helping him sleep-- it might actually be making it worse. He needs to learn how to get himself back to sleep on his own, self-soothe when he gets upset or wakes up a little, and that way he can finally get a full night of rest.

Last night was the first in what will probably be a very long week of trying to get all of us accustomed to the new regime. Under this plan, we are no longer going to give bottles in the night, unlesss there is absolutely no other way. We are no longer going to run in at every whimper or cry and pick up the baby. No, no, no. Instead, we'll go in and check on him, make sure he's not cold or wet or hurt, and then comfort him for a few moments before going back to our room. I'll do that a couple of times, with longer and longer intervals between going into his room. Last night was a bit rough, because he woke up every hour crying out for us, but he really only cried for a couple of minutes before tiring himself out and going back to sleep. In fact, I only went into his room once because he fell asleep so quickly afterwards. And then he slept until 8:00 a.m., which tells me he was exhausted.

So, although it may take a few days of sleepless nights on our part, eventually it'll work out to the benefit of the entire family. Which is why I support this new regime wholeheartedly. Carry on, Glorious Leader, we will follow!

PS-- This whole thing was pioneered by Dr. Ferber, so now we can say our house has been Ferberized. Or maybe we won't say that. Yeah, probably not a good idea.

Poem: Allness

This poem was written sometime earlier this year... for some reason, I didn't mark down a date when I wrote it, which is unlike me. Maybe my subconscious was leading me to focus on the timelessness of the feelings I expressed-- or maybe I just forgot. Either way, here it is.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

for j

i want to cultivate it for you
and plant it on the windowsill
nurture it carefully
with the tenderness i can’t seem to show my houseplants
watch you, watching it grow
struggling upward, outward, despite my tendencies to neglect…

i want to honor it for you
set up an altar in our home
create a ritual of tea and scones,
sitting and standing,
call and response,
write a hymn that exposes a hidden longing for reverence…

i want to color it for you
paint it in sprays of pastel, bursts of neon
set up special lighting and bright bulbs
and watch it send prisms
into every dark corner
a dancing masterpiece that exists completely outside the lines…

and yet…
i want to capture it, for me
wrap it in yellowed lace and lay it beneath pressed flowers,
bury it under layers of ancient quilts and place it in a keepsake chest,
slide the chest below the extra bed in the unused guest room,
and keep it there,
cherished.
protected.
secret.
safe.

but all i can do
is offer it to you
daily
hourly
minute by minute…
the allness
of the everythingness
of my love for you.


© M.S.E.

My Favorite Scary Movies

Ghost Story-Scary:
Not a lot of gore, but some seriously good jump-in-your-seat scares. Play out like thrillers, with the tension rising right up to the end.
- The Others Amazing ghost story, with plenty of great scares. Also,
bring your kleenex because there are some seriously sad parts.
- Stir of Echoes ACK! This one always leaves me jumpy. Creepy, scary, crazy, ants-in-your-pants ghost story.
- The Sixth Sense, Signs, UnbreakableI guess I just like most of M. Night Shyamalan's work, no matter what the critics say. Oh, and add in The Village to that list; might be predictable for some, but still has some good ghost story elements.

Funny-Scary:
Less scary, more funny, but awesome movies. Gore is definitely present, but always done with a humorous slant.
- Shaun of the Dead Classic Simon Pegg humor, excellent satire of contemporary culture, and they even throw in some actual pathos (okay, I cried in one scene, sorry). Fu-nay stuff.
- Zombieland (in theaters now) Excellent movie, complete with deadpan humor, "Best Zombie Kill of the Week," narration by a nervous survivor with IBS, and great special effects. Fun for everyone, as long as you can stand the opening scenes with bloody carnage in slo-mo.

Horror-Scary:
Some (or a lot of) gore, blood, mayhem. Not big on malicious torture, so you won't find that here. But you will definitely run across some seriously bloody scenes. Don't say I didn't warn you!
- 28 Days Later Virus in the UK = Horror gold in Hollywood. This movie rocks, shocks, and even raises philosophical questions for the viewer (what would *you* be willing to do?). Featuring Cillian Murphy in his first major blockbuster; he would later play the evil psychiatrist in Batman Begins.
- The Descent Women, a cave, spelunking, and vicious terrifying creatures on the prowl. Sounds like a great vacation to me! This one hits all your fears (claustrophobia, fear of heights, fear of the dark, fear of being eaten) at once.
- Dawn of the Dead I thought this remake was actually pretty good. Especially loved the Richard Cheese "lounge" version of 'Get Down with the Sickness.' Dark, gory, scares, even though it brings up the usual "Why would they do that? Are they stupid, or what?" horror movie questions.

And two you may not have heard of...
- Let The Right One In An awesome vampire movie from Sweden, this one is at the top of my list. Poignant, frightening, intense, and quite moving-- definitely watch it. Not for children, but features child actors (who are brilliant, by the way).
- Pontypool Definitely the thinking person's scary movie, this one is from Canada and 98% of the film takes place inside a radio studio. It's more about what happens in your head when horrible things start taking place around you... creepy.


Great; now I have the itch to go watch several of these before Halloween!

Ten months and counting...

Just wanted to share the good news: My baby boy is ten months old! As of last week, heh heh... okay, so I'm a slacker. Don't worry, I won't mess up on the big one, December 15th. Anyway, here is my darling, sweet, precocious, curious, fun, energetic, loving, beautiful boy:



How did I get so lucky?

(PS-- Check out that adorable chin; I love it to pieces!)

How to Choke

So, Joel saved my life the other day. No, seriously, he did. He literally saved my life, right there in our humble little kitchen next to the 1970s push-button stovetop and surrounded by stylish wood paneling. It was c-r-a-z-y. And yet avoidable. I think I might have been in the process of being punished for trying to secretly gorge on butterscotch chips, because lo and behold those little suckers tried to kill me.

Basically, it goes like this: I was in the kitchen by myself, searching for a few spices for the recipe I was about to prepare, when my wandering hands stumbled upon a hidden treasure trove of pure sugary joy. It turned out to be about a quarter of a bag of butterscotch chips... exactly what I wanted that muggy afternoon to feed my sweet tooth. I tossed several chips in my mouth and began chewing, when for some unknown reason I sort of coughed/inhaled, which had the unfortunate effect of sucking that gluey mass of half-chewed butterscotch chips directly into the wrong pipe. I immediately went into evasive actions, or in other words started to make things worse.

I'm not sure why, but I couldn't stop myself from trying to swallow that sucker, and of course it not only didn't work, but actually made it even harder to breathe. Which I wasn't exactly doing, at that point; more of a gasping, loud, wheezing intake with no exhalation. I was starting to panic, walking in circles around the kitchen, when I realized I was in major trouble and somehow managed to squeak out "Joel!" on one of my inhales. He ran in the room and within about 10 seconds was giving me the Heimlich. It was so awesome! After around three tries, he finally dislodged the offending sugar bomb, and I started coughing for what seemed like the next hour but was probably more like five minutes. I went over and splashed water into my mouth to help ease the pain in my throat, and ended up splashing it all over my face and neck, too. My skin was burning, and I was red and sweating and exhausted from the whole ordeal. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was pounding, and what a close call that had been.

Although I started feeling better very quickly, I couldn't actually breathe normally for about half an hour. For the next couple of days my throat was painfully sore, and I coughed throughout the night (sleep deprivation is my constant companion these days, no matter the cause). But all's well that ends well, and I can now truthfully say that my husband saved my life. I guess that means I owe him, or something. ;)

Mini-vacations RULE!!

Last weekend, we were lucky enough to visit San Francisco with some friends, and even luckier to get it all courtesy of one very generous young lady. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, to accept her paying for everything; there were several moments where I didn't think I'd be able to do it! But eventually she prevailed, and made it clear that she wasn't accepting no for an answer, and we moved on to just planning how we could return the favor in the future.



Anyway-- while we were there, we were able to get dinner at Colibri, the same restaurant we dined at after our elopement/wedding in 2007. The food is gorgeous! Our favorites are the Pescado del Dia (fish in a green garlic sauce with chorizo and sauteed vegetables) and the Filete Mignon (steak topped with an ancho chile stuffed with goat cheese, over mashed potatoes). YUM!!! They also make a mean tortilla soup, and their chorizo con queso is delish. Oh, and I do love their hand-rolled tortillas and three dipping sauces, too.

We also got to visit another place we love in the City: The Rex, on Polk Street. They have the best French Onion Soup around, and a cozy, neighborhood vibe that makes for a great Sunday meal. I can't wait to give their Eggs Hollandaise a try-- they looked absolutely scrumptious. The bartender makes a nice 'n spicy Bloody Mary, too, with the added touch of pickled green beans on the side. Later that day, we visited our favorite Haight Street pub, Hobson's Choice. It has such a great ambience, the perfect music playing in the background, and huge windows for a lazy afternoon of people-watching.

All in all, it was a great little mini-vacation: we had great meals, a great weekend, and were in our favorite city. Can't wait to return the favor sometime in the future!

Solid Food Adventures

It has been several weeks since Ethan started his latest round of teething (his 7th & 8th teeth are in now), and he's just beginning to allow solid foods back on the menu. The other day, Joel and I were sharing some lovely cheeseburger soup (from allrecipes.com), and he had some with us. Turns out, he likes the food we're eating much better than the baby food. And who can blame him? He does still eat baby food sometimes, but for now we're probably going to keep giving him diced up versions of the food we're already eating. Makes my life a bit easier, too.


Of course, he is also still working on his pincer grasp, and hasn't quite mastered the thumb-finger pinch yet, but eventually he got those peas in his mouth. Success!

Rescue

This week I was lucky enough to take my lovely niece to a concert at a nearby church. Lucky, because it turned out her dad was double-booked and wasn't able to go, and lucky because he asked *me* to be the one to attend in his place. Lucky, because I got to spend some fun, carefree girl-time with my niece, whom I love dearly and don't get to see anywhere near enough to suit me. And lucky because I got to listen to-- no, to experience some awesome, uplifting, energizing music that really renewed my spirits and gave me something to hold onto.

Things have been tough lately... it has been hard to keep my chin up, what with so many things seemingly conspiring to keep us on the edge of disaster. The jobs aren't coming through, the money is running out, the clock is ticking and the stress is starting to build up again, and through it all my sweet partner strides with unruffled feathers and an easy demeanor, believing things will work themselves out just fine. You'd think that would make me rest easier, right? But for some reason, it just seems to worry me even more. We just finished watching "Away We Go," and it really caught me off guard to see the main characters so calmly facing an uncertain future. Even Joel commented on it; he said, "Wow, she's not flipping out about the electricity going off. If that were you..." Enough said. We get the point. I wanted to be upset about it, and was for a moment, but the truth is that I do stress out way too much about things I can't change.

We just shared a great weekend with a couple of friends, and guess what? Yep, I flipped out. Twice. In one weekend! What the heck is up with that? One time, I almost started crying, just thinking about what was facing us on the return trip home-- money problems, and helping the baby learn how to sleep through the night, and hoping I wasn't pregnant, and wondering when things were going to turn around, and wishing with all my might that I could just let all the "stuff" on my shoulders slide off and enjoy the moment...

Anyway, it was rough. And the concert this week really helped give me some peace and some positive vibes to carry around with me. I even bought a CD to help keep my negativity in check, and I have this CD on replay this week.

My current fave was apparently on the TV show "Pushing Daisies"... very cool!

Rescue

I'm pushing up daisies
I wish they were roses
I feel like I'm dying
Just want you to notice

I'm swimming to safety
but even with my best
If I don't see that rope soon
This might be my last breath

Somehow the grave has captured me
Show me the man I used to be
Just when I feel my breath is running out...

The earth moves and you find me
Alive but unworthy, broken and empty
But you don't care
Cause you are my rapture, you are my savior
When all my hope is gone, I reach for you
You are my rescue

Ahhhh.... that feels better. :)

Change of Pace?

Here I am, thinking about re-entering the work force after only a few months home with Ethan, and realizing that it isn't as easy as it would have been a few years ago. Or if I had a degree that wasn't quite so fluffy (Social Science) or experience that wasn't quite so focused on one field (education/social services). Or, you know, if I was independently wealthy, in which case I could do whatever I wanted!

Anyway, I'm considering a career change. Maybe health, like an occupational therapist, or computers, as in computer forensics-- figuring out who left their digital DNA on a crime scene, as it were. Both seem very interesting, and both seem to have a lot of growth in the future for job opportunities. And both would be a complete, semi-radical change in pace for me. But maybe that's just what I need.

The Clapper

This week, Ethan started clapping his hands together. And he loves it! He will just be standing by the couch, balancing with his body against the cushions, and then whammo! Clap, clap, clap, clap... and he is thrilled about it, to say the least. This huge grin spreads across his face, and he looks over at us to see if we're going to respond to his wonderful new discovery. "Look! I can clap my hands together!!" It's definitely a cool new trick. The cute thing is, he isn't quite bringing both hands together equally, yet. Instead, he sort of holds his left hand in place, and then swings his right hand over to clap against it. Although maybe that has something to do with the fact that he is still so wobbly when he's standing, and doesn't want to unbalance himself further. Either way, it's adorable, and I can't wait to get it on video. Speaking of which... someday soon, yea verily, I will figure out how to post videos on this blog. We're taking this thing to a whole new level, stat!

Standing Room Only

Did I mention that my son is amazing? It's true! Unlike other parents, this time it's the absolute, unvarnished truth. (Ahem.) But anyhow-- it really is amazing how quickly they go from absolutely dependent, floppy, delicate creatures to these curious, tough, excited little monkeys out to conquer the world. Ethan has just started to branch out into the "walking" arena, and it's just unbelievable to watch. He can cruise along the furniture and couches like nobody's business, and can move from standing to sitting to crawling with zero problems. Recently, he started standing on his own, without balancing against a prop object or someone's hands, for almost a minute at a time. He can even take a few steps as long as you're right next to him, but then he usually realizes he's walking on his own and wobbles himself right back down onto the floor. This kid is mere moments away from taking his first real steps, and he's only 9 1/2 months old! What the hoo-ha?! Brilliant, genius, blah blah blah... you get the point. He's awesome. ;)

In other news, his next pair of teeth are busting through on the bottom, so that he'll have eight chompers shining in all their glory by the end of this week. Unfortunately, that means he's been having a rough time of it with the teething pain. His cheek has gotten a little bit swollen and red this past week, and he's been crying out in his sleep and waking up for comfort and/or milk at least once a night for the past couple of weeks. All of the drooling is even causing a bit of a rash on his little chin, pobrecito... can't wait 'til those suckers finally bust through!

And I'm hoping that his teething is what has been making it so hard for him to eat real food lately. In fact, he isn't really "eating" much of anything. He still drinks his formula like a champ. But eating? Not so much. He's just not interested! Every so often, I'll be able to get him to take a whole container of plums & apples, or banana-plum-oats, or applesauce with cinnamon... he'll even eat crackers, veggie puffs, and teething biscuits, but not much else. Sometimes, he seems interested in the food we have on our plates, so I cut it smaller and give it to him, but he only takes a few bites and then he's done. What the heck, kid? I mean, he used to eat just fine, but for the past couple of months he's been sticking to milk. I guess he'll get there in time... I'll just keep on trying until one day, he gets it. It kind of reminds me of how it took him about two months to finally "get" how to drink out of a bottle. It's another lesson for me in learning how to let him go at his own pace. Learn, self, learn!!!

What's the ASL sign for "peekaboo"?

Ethan has really been talking up a storm lately. Dadadada seems to be his favorite (of course), but he is vocalizing so much that we expect a word any day now. I love hearing him "talk" to us; sometimes he does such a great job imitating the rise and fall of regular speech that you almost wonder if he already is talking to us!
So far, the baby sign language hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm still giving it a go. We're working on milk, eat, more, and hurt right now. I hope that we can get at least a little bit of communication going on through the sign language, because it would be oh-so nice to know why he is upset instead of having to guess every time. Although I'm starting to become an expert on which whine or cry means I'm tired, or I'm hungry, or I'm bored. But still, it would be great to be able to give him the power to communicate his needs more effectively.

One thing he doesn't need to tell me is that he is definitely a morning person. He is almost always happy and smiling in the morning, and loves to just loll around with me and Joel in our room. He is positively beaming for at least an hour or two, before going back into his normal happy, inquisitive self. It's probably my favorite time with him; he's just so sweet and loving in the morning, you can't help but have a better day after spending time with him. It's one of the things I would miss most if I went back to work. (sigh)

But enough of that! Let's focus on the fun stuff. Like tonight, for instance, when he was initiating "peekaboo" with me. He loves to play peekaboo around the couch and ottoman, and loves to chase me around the house and be chased, but tonight was the first time he has actually been the one to hide his face and then pop out to "peekaboo!" when I call for him. He was standing by the kitchen bar counter, and would hide his head on the other side of the counter. I would call out "Where are you? Where are you, Ethan?" And then when he would pop his head into view, giggling uncontrollably, I would say "Peekaboo!" and we would both crack up. It was so awesome! I love that he's initiating play like this; that's my brilliant boy!

Under-employed

I'm not sure if I made it clear earlier that I am currently unemployed and working as a stay-at-home mom, which I love. Let me rephrase: I love being able to stay at home with my son; not so much loving the unemployed/"not getting paid for it" part. Well, technically I guess I *am* getting paid, because I'm getting unemployment. For now, that is. Eventually it will run out, and at that point we really have to have some other form of income, or my husband will have to be making enough to cover my lost wages. At this juncture, that just doesn't seem too likely, considering how high our region's unemployment is, how horrid the job market is continuing to look around here, and all the rest that comes along with that. So, to cut it short, I'm looking for work-- a "real" job, one that will take me away from my baby but also make it possible to keep buying him formula and diapers. You know, paychecks do come in handy sometimes. :)

And it's also kind of nice to consider going back into work somewhere. Not at my last job, thank you very much, but in an entirely different field, if possible. Social services is very rewarding, but also very draining at times and especially so when working with the most at-risk population possible. I need a break to rejuvenate my soul and renew my interest in working... hopefuly, something that is very different from what I was doing before, but where I can still use the skills and abilities that came in handy at my previous positions. Next week I will be going through "Phase 2" of the job search for two different positions; one in human resources, and one in a sort of planning/scheduling position. I don't really want to give too much detail, just in case The Man is watching my humble blog and wants to rat me out to The System. You never know...

Anyway, I'm excited about the possibilities, and about the idea of being able to afford little luxuries like new socks or a haircut, but I'm also a bit frightened about leaving my baby boy again. It was so hard on me last time. Of course, he was much younger then, but I'm not sure it'll be any easier now. Still, all said and done, I'm taking a job if it's offered to me. If I need to work to help provide for the family, then that's what I'll do. Period. And then cry at night sometimes because I miss my baby. :(

Transmogrify

Oh, my son... how do parents even stand talking to people about how great their kids are? How brilliant, how gorgeous, how sweet, how perfect... maybe we do it all now so that when they start getting ornery and rambunctious, we can remember the times they were angelic. Maybe it's so we can remember that we, too, have our moments of pure awesomeness, that we are human beings who have a beautiful side hiding somewhere amidst all of the things we don't like about ourselves. Maybe it makes us better people-- having the ability to see such goodness in another being, and then being able to express it and share it with others. Because what is a compliment, really, without someone to hear and appreciate it? I've noticed that, when I'm out with my baby and I see other parents out with their older children, they often get this look of happy reminiscence on their faces. They sometimes even say, "I remember when *you* were that small..." and look over at their kids with a special smile.


October 3rd, 2009... Pondering life for a moment.

Maybe it's the most important thing in the world to keep reminding ourselves and other people that our kids are amazing and priceless works of art, so that they can recapture a little of that same joy and appreciation for other people in their lives. I know that having this child has definitely made me understand and appreciate my own parents much more, as well as the close friends who have been by my side throughout this whole experience. I'm sure it has been said many times before, and much more eloquently, but I'm just starting to realize that becoming a parent isn't only about taking care of another person, but about taking care of the little child within yourself and within all of us. The glad acceptance of complete responsibility and unconditional love for another person is transformative, both for individuals and for the community at large. I shudder to think what this world would be like without it.

Hip-pity-do-da...

So, my hip has really been bothering me lately. Or, probably more accurately, my hip/pelvis/groin/upper inner thigh has been bothering me lately. And by "bother," I mean that the level of perturbance has varied along a range from:
* dull ache
** throbbing ache
*** stabbing painful ache
**** burning, sharp, breath-taking painful ache
***** absolute misery and inability to move my leg.

Sometimes it feels like my leg is getting sawed off right where it connects to my body; other times I feel like I'm re-enacting one of those Old English tortures where they pull you apart by your legs. Sounds pleasant, right? Ugh. It's very similar to the pain I felt right after my car accident in 2003, in which I broke my pelvis in a few places (among other injuries). After what seems to me like a minimal amount of physical exertion, I start to feel the tightening and aching that will eventually lead to a severe, sharp pain that makes me catch my breath. I end up limping my way over to a seat and then trying to rest or stretch or do whatever it takes to feel better. However, this becomes a touch difficult when I have a 9-month-old on the loose and ready to interact with me. How do I pick him up and carry him like this? How am I supposed to use the safety gate we installed-- the kind you climb over, of course? How do I help him walk around the house, or take him outside down the steps?

(sigh)

I know this seems like such a minor thing, and there are people out there who are dealing with much graver disabilities without one complaint, and that's what I'm trying to hold up like a banner in front of me. Besides, if I can't do this with a bum leg, how am I to expect my mother to be a Grandma while she's in a wheelchair and dealing with chronic pain? If she can do it facing those issues, I can do it facing mine!

Uh, right??

Anyway, I won't be getting any medical assistance with this anytime soon because we had to cancel my health insurance. At $189/month, it was surprisingly affordable, but with both of us in our current employment predicament it was just a luxury we couldn't afford. Not when formula costs just over $100/month, and diapers cost around $75/month, and then you have wipes and baby food and safety items and onesies and socks that actually fit him and so on and so forth... But there is my baby, crying for mama, so I'm done for now!