Musings from the Sickbed...

So, while trapped at home struggling to get better this past week, I was able to finally get down to some serious contemplation. Not really, but I did come out of it with some interesting thoughts.

- Not being able to speak carries with it a sense of peace, a tinge of mystery, and a gratitude that I didn't fully understand until I could talk again. I was grateful after the fact that I couldn't say all of the impulsive, thoughtless, reactive things that I can say now, and that I realize I say far too often. I was grateful that I couldn't spout off the slight bitterness towards my husband that I sometimes allow full rein, a bitterness that does nothing but injure both of us. And I was grateful because my silence allowed my son and husband to say more than they usually do, when my volubility can overwhelm them.

- Being somewhat dependent on others makes you realize two things: First, that it's not a comfortable place to be, and Second, that you suddenly see who you can rely on and exactly how far. It might be a friend who checks in on you regularly to see if you're okay, or it might be someone who offers (sometimes forces) their assistance rather than waiting for you to ask. It might be a co-worker who steps in to help carry your workload while you're out, or it might be the boss who blames any problems on your absence. It's a funny position to be in, because it can be a vision-clarifying one.

- Sick days always make me slightly resentful, as well. If I were single, I wouldn't have that luxury. No, I'd be stuck with getting myself better and not worrying about how anyone else was or wasn't taking care of me. Now that I'm married, I get to watch my husband sort of move through the days as if nothing were wrong, letting me deal with feeding the child, putting him to bed, making sure he's ready for school in the morning, and so on-- only stepping in when I clearly state my request and add "Because I still have a fever and can hardly stand up!" to it. Why is that? Why doesn't he see how sick I am and want to take care of me? Is this need of mine to feel cherished and valued so selfish and absurd? Does it mean I want him to become my "wife" instead of husband? Not to me, it doesn't, but trying to convince him of that might be a lifelong struggle. I just wish, somehow, things were different.

That said, I'm almost back to 100%. So I guess the point is moot, until next time that is...

Six years ago...

...I met my husband at a local bar in downtown Modesto. It was a Saturday night, June 11th, and the day before I had seen my junior high students walk the stage at graduation. It was the weekend, finally, and I was out having fun with my sister and my best friend, Julie. We sat at the bar, talking and laughing and telling crazy stories, just trying to forget the busy week we'd all just been through. Suddenly, a man walked up to us and pulled out the Schmooze card.

He was a pretty slick talker, to be sure, and had that confidence and swagger that many women find attractive-- until they realize that it's actually a mixture of braggadocio, machismo, and ego that tends to grate on the nerves after a very short time. I had him pegged within a few minutes; it wasn't my first trip around the block, after all.

But while we all bantered back and forth, I noticed a tall, fit-looking guy standing several feet away, almost as if he were waiting for something... or someone. I asked the first guy, Dave, "Is that your friend over there?" And he said, "Yeah, that's my buddy Joel." I took that first step, born partly of liquid courage and partly of curiosity, tinged with just a hint of something even deeper, stronger, and smiled at him, calling out, "Joel, come on over!"

And the rest, as they say, is history... or at least, a history that is still being told. :)

Fuffoo

Ethan said the sweetest, most touching, adorable thing this morning. It really moved my heart, and almost brought me to tears as well. It was early, and Joel was just getting ready to leave for work. Ethan called him over to say goodbye. The exchange went something like this:

Ethan: "Daddy, 'mere!"
Joel: (walks over) "Okay, buddy, I have to go now."
Ethan: "Kisses." (points to mouth)
Joel: (kisses Ethan) "Aw, thanks, buddy, I love your kisses!"
Ethan: "Hug." (lifts arms up)
Joel: (hugging Ethan) "You give great hugs!"
Ethan: "Bye daddy, fuffoo!"

And that's where my heart was seized by his two little hands and squeezed, ever so gently. Because "fuffoo" is his way of saying "I love you." And it was the first time he's really said it, at the right time, unsolicited, and fully cognizant of what it means. It was amazing. Now, when's my turn? ;)

The Sick Saga

Still sick, but hopefully on path towards wellness. I actually got sent home from work on Tuesday by my manager, who was nervous about (a) getting sick himself and (b) me being too sick to come to work Wednesday, when we have an extremely important meeting with one of our biggest, newest, most sensitive HOAs. So I left after only an hour and a half, which means my paycheck will be docked by around $80, and then went to the urgent care ($100) to get meds ($40). Went home and still felt miserable, so I started hunting around for favors-- anyone who could help me go pick up Ethan and possibly watch him a little bit in the evening. Any takers? Of course not. My sister is still recovering from her throat/nasal surgery and is on meds, and my parents were unreachable (turns out, they'd actually been at the same-day clinic themselves).

So I called my friend, who earlier in the day had told me that she was off work and just sitting around. Unfortunately, when I explained that I was feeling horrid and didn't even know if I could drive out there to the daycare, she said "Oh, no..." and then said that I could drive him over, drop him off for a couple of hours, and then come back and pick him up again later. Um, yeah... except that I can hardly drive over to daycare, let alone jaunt across town to her place and back, twice. Then a few minutes later she said that she'd forgotten about an appointment she had that evening and couldn't watch him after all. So much for friends helping out in your time of need.

In spite of that, I stupidly asked her if she was free on Wednesday evening, and if so could she babysit for two hours while I was at the crucial business meeting. She replied, a few hours later, "I can cancel my plans if you really need me"... which to me is a pretty obvious no. You know, because I didn't make it clear earlier that I did. I told her not to worry about it-- not that I think she did-- and wrote it off as yet another person I can't rely on.

Whatever happened to the days when your friends and neighbors rallied around to help you out, bring food, watch your kids, and just generally give a little bit of time or effort when you were sick or hurting? Guess those days were buried with Rockwell.

Re-Kindle...

Joel has been very sweet with me lately. I mentioned that I needed to get a watch because (a) I don't own one, and (b) I have to take minutes at meetings and don't want to bring out my cell phone to keep time, and guess what he did? Yep, he went out to get me a watch and chose this lovely Skagen women's watch for me. I know he has good taste, but even I was surprised at his choice; it was very classic, yet modern and stylish.



Then, yesterday evening he comes home and he has this crafty look on his face, while holding his hands behind his back. I said, "Please don't tell me you spent more money on me, Joel..." I know, I know-- how ungrateful of me! But it's so hard to accept gifts from him when we are struggling with money issues. It feels very irresponsible, even when I know that he earned "extra" (!) money through an outside contract job this week and the money spent isn't taking money away from paying our regular bills. Still... it's so hard to be gracious about it. I tried, though! Anyway, he whips out my latest gift-- a Kindle! He already downloaded some free books on there, like Sense and Sensibility and Emma, so now I can read wherever I am without lugging around a bunch of books. Can't wait to get started... and buy a cute cover/stand for it, too! I hope he understands that I love him even without the gifts, expensive or not. :)

Independence Days

Ethan is really yearning to establish his autonomy and independence lately. He wants to feed himself, using his own silverware, and pour his own drink into his cup. And back out of it, and then repeat until most of it is all over the table or floor. He wants to keep his pajamas on all day and wear them to daycare, and has major issues with us wanting to change his clothes-- unless we can point out that they're dirty and need to be cleaned, at which point he'll lift up his arms and allow us to remove the offending article. He's getting very particular about having things happen in a particular order and style, such as me holding my arms around him at just the right angle, and resting my hands in one special way on his legs when he's sitting in my lap.

This is just the beginning... it means that he's growing up and turning into a boy. He wants to learn how to do everything himself because he needs to, as part of the process of becoming a self-sufficient person. It's sweet, and sad, and a little bit frustrating for both of us, but I just hope he lets me hold him and snuggle for a bit longer... I miss my baby boy already, even though he's just starting to grow up and away from me. *sniff* This motherhood thing is harder than I thought.

Meltdown

Monday was a rough day for Ethan... he started off with a day at daycare that was apparently pretty chaotic and "exuberant," to say the least, thanks to the antics of four 2-year-old boys. The daycare provider said they always act up when it's windy or stormy, and the weather was pretty crazy that day. Unfortunately, this lead to a major meltdown that started the minute I picked him up and lasted until around 6:30. It was terrible! I'd never seen him throw a tantrum that lasted that long. Usually they're more like a minute or two, and then he either gets distracted or calms down, and it's over. This time it just kept coming in waves of tears, screaming, tossing his arms and legs around, and just generally being defiant, resistant, and refusing to cooperate at all. I kept wondering who had kidnapped and brainwashed my child, it was that out of character for him.

He finally started to calm down when I started washing the dishes, and he said "Help you?" while dragging his stool over to the sink. I slowly transitioned myself out of the space and left him in front of the kitchen sink to play in the water, pouring cups of soapy bubbles back and forth over a large bowl, and it seemed to work as a calming activity. After about fifteen minutes of self-play, he looked up and said "Pizza?"-- his new code word for "I'm hungry and want to eat." We ate some dinner together, took a nice bath, and he finally went to sleep. I felt like passing out too, it was such an exhausting evening with him! The next day, Tuesday, was the exact opposite. He was helpful, obedient, calm, brightly curious, laughing and engaged with me and other people around us (we went to the store), and just generally more like my son than the day before. It was so nice to get that time with him; it made up for our not-so-good Monday. I guess the "terrible twos" are here now, but I hope we can find some ways to mitigate the negative episodes so that we can all survive this sane, happy, and positive. God give me strength! ;)

Last Nerve.

For some reason, everything Ethan did today was testing my last nerve. From the moment he woke up to the minute he laid down for bed (minus my day away at work and his time at daycare, of course) he was pushing the limits and basically doing everything he could to exert his independence. Unfortunately, this also happened to be a day that I didn't have much patience to deal with his shenanigans. Right now, as I'm typing at 8:30 p.m., he is in his room throwing toys around, kicking the wall, and yelling. I'm so annoyed and frustrated!! Not only at his behavior, but at my reaction to it. It's like an instantaneous response to raise my voice when he blatantly disobeys by hitting at me or dumping food/drinks on the ground, and I don't want to be one of those parents who flips out and screams at their kids. I know my own tendency to overreact and get highly emotional about things, and I don't want to take that out on him just because he's being a typical 2-year-old. SERENITY NOW! I need a breather. Maybe I'll skip homework tonight and focus on relaxing instead. Glass of wine, much-needed break in front of the TV, maybe even (gasp!) some light reading of my "fun" book instead of a school book...

Yep, that sounds good. I'm out!

Peek-a-boo

Could this boy get any more adorable?



I guess I just answered my own question!

Love my little guy. Love that he can express himself in so many ways, and that he's talking and interacting so well these days. Love that his daycare teacher enjoys having him around and is impressed by how well he gets along with the other kids, by his friendly personality, and by his kindness to others. Love that he is exuberant and joyful and lives life with such verve. Love that I get the chance to see all of this up close and personal, and cherish every minute of it. (Even those minutes that aren't so great are just part of an overall wonderful, amazing miracle.) LOVE!!

On the Road to Recovery?

Well, I went in this morning and spoke with my placement specialist from the temp agency about what was going on at work. As usual for me during a stressful conversation like that one, I ended up crying in front of her. Ugh! I wish I could get a better handle on my emotions during those types of meetings... Anyway, she sympathized with me and agreed that the management was reacting inappropriately and unprofessionally in their communications with me. She suggested that I speak with the vice-president about what was happening and see how she responded to me. I agreed, but after leaving her office was so emotional that I felt unprepared to go in to work that day. I had a blasting headache from the stress and was weepy and tense, and so I called in to work that I wasn't feeling well and that I'd be in around noon that day. I used my time at home to gather my thoughts, calm down, grab some groceries, finish a homework assignment, and just try to bring up the zen factor before going in to work.

When I arrived, I found out that my manager wasn't even there-- he'd called in sick again. So the only other "yuck" factor was the president. The thing is, I think my placement specialist called over and spoke with the company, because everything was different today. The president was cordial, if a bit distant, and his wife (the vice-president) came over several times to check on me, ask if I needed any help or support, and let me know she was here if I needed her. When she asked how I was feeling, because I'd called in sick, I told her it was a pretty good headache. She said, "I hope it's not stress from work..." and then followed it up with "I don't want you to feel overwhelmed or discouraged by anything that's happened; we think you're doing a great job and we know that this is a complicated job to learn." We had a pretty decent conversation after that, and I'm thinking that things might be on the mend. Too early to say yet, but I'm hopeful. :)

From Yuck to Trucks

I decided to not dwell on the second horrid day at work in a row, and instead turn to the wonderfulness that is my son. He can always bring a smile to my face, even when I come home from work crying like I did Monday, or frustrated and beaten down, like I did today. He can change my focus from negativity to the simple joys of a toy car or a butterfly in moments. And I got a lot of support from Joel over these past two days, which felt very nice. How did I get so lucky, to be able to share my time with such wonderful guys?



And how did I get to be such a push-over that I have somehow helped this child accumulate what appears to be the toy vehicle department for a small country?



This kid is 100% all boy, that is for sure and for certain.

Rough day.

Had a pretty bad day at work today. I'm just making so many errors, and feeling so incompetent, and it was tough to keep my composure in the office this afternoon-- especially when I made yet another mistake on the copier right as I was about to leave at 5:00. I came home close to tears and can't believe how bad I felt. After speaking with a friend, I have a new plan of action for tomorrow: Go in with my head held high, admit to my mistakes and then let them roll off my back. Treat myself the way I would like to be treated-- in other words, act as if I deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully and assume the best about what others are thinking. The worst that could happen is that they continue to act the way they've been acting, while I feel okay about my work. The best that could happen is that they begin to treat me better. It's really a positive change in any case, because no matter what happens I'll feel better about myself and satisfied with my efforts to learn this new job. If it works the way my friend hopes, they'll see me in a more positive light because I'll be acting more confident, secure, and pleasant rather than holding my head down out of guilt or shame or just feeling badly about the way things are going. We'll see... and I'll try to get on here more often, too; things are just so stinkin' busy!

No Time...

I feel like I have signed my life away to this MBA program. And not just me, but Joel, too. We are both going to school full-time and working now (thankfully), which means that we see very little of Ethan and even less of each other, not to mention hardly ever catching a glimpse of our friends and family. It's a little bit tougher than I thought it would be, this virtual isolation from our circle of loved ones, and this is only just the beginning of a long, long eighteen-month program. All I keep telling myself is that it'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth the short-term sacrifice for the end goal... but that seems to be the common refrain of life. When does that fabled end goal arrive, anyway? I think perhaps it's time to start seeing that the process itself needs to be more enjoyable than miserable, or else reaching the legendary end goal becomes too great a burden to bear. We've got to build in some alone time for us as a husband & wife, some family time with our little guy, some get-away-from-it-all time, time with our couple friends and time for a girls/guys' night out, time with our relatives, and-- just as importantly as all the rest-- time to have some peaceful, solitary, all-by-myself solitude to recharge the batteries.

So I'll go ahead and put that plan into action, as soon as I can find some time.

Color Me Employed!

I'm so very happy to announce that I accepted a job offer yesterday from the real estate company that I interviewed with last week and Monday. It felt like a great match from the beginning, and I think the only thing holding them back from offering me the job last week was the fact that the position I'll be replacing is only 25 hrs/wk, whereas I need a full-time job in order to be financially comfortable. But they apparently wanted me on their team seriously enough to re-work the position description, increase the hours, add some job duties, and make me the offer! It's an almost indescribable relief to be employed again after so long, and so close to the cut-off date for my unemployment benefits (as of today, there is only enough money in my award amount to cover three more checks; how's that for cutting it close?).

Even if I were working in a dead-end job with nothing to look forward to but a paycheck, I would be grateful. Instead, I get this great opportunity that sort of comes flying in out of the blue, all because of an inquiry email I sent out to an employment agency just in case they might still have my file open. This is what they call "serendipity"-- or possibly "luck favors the well-prepared" or something like that, considering that I've been honing my interview skills for the past two years and building up an excellent portfolio for sharing with potential employers... Either way, it's a blessing, and I'm truly appreciative of it.

I will be working as an Administrative Assistant supporting a property manager at a real estate firm that specializes in HOA management. The company has been around for 30 years, and because they don't focus on the ups and downs of the market, they've been remarkably stable and profitable during these past few years of ugliness in real estate. I am really looking forward to starting my job this week, especially because I get to dress up for work. Tee-hee! Call me a girly-girl, but I do love to fancy it up a bit at work. Can't wait to wear heels and skirts and dresses and just get all gussied up during the work week. Pictures will be forthcoming, never fear. And on that note, thank you to everyone for the positive thoughts and great energy and prayers, and thank you to God for this wonderful blessing, and thank you to those who spported me in my job search with babysitting and happy messages and other gestures of pure friendship. I love you all dearly!

Surprise, surprise... surprise!

Three big surprises in my life: First, Joel got me an ergonomic wireless keyboard and wireless mouse yesterday... How sweet is that? It is going to be so much easier to type up the multitude of papers and essays required for my MBA program with thiese handy dandy little tools. :)

Second, today is Ethan's first day at daycare! He was able to get in to Miss Janet's daycare, the same one that his buddy Aidan goes to, which is so great because at least he'll have someone he knows there. I've got mixed emotions about it; I know that I'm going to miss him, but I know as well that he is going to really love being around other kids and playing and learning and all of that. He definitely needs the interaction time, and will really benefit from it. I've been so lucky, despite all of these financial woes, because I've been blessed to spend the past two years at home with my little boy. But now it's time for him to take one little step on the path towards growing up, and I'm sure he's going to have a great time!

Third, and perhaps just a teensy smidge more importantly, I have a second interview today at the firm I interviewed with last week. I'm so happy and excited about it! Candace, the placement tech from availABILITY, called and asked me if I'd be available for a 2nd interview at 10:00 on Monday. I told her yes, because Ethan was starting daycare Monday morning so we'd be all set for to start working from this day forward. She responded with, "That's great! Because you just might be working by Tuesday." WOW! Now that's what I call fast service. Well, we'll hope that things go well and that this position works out, but if not-- I'm confident that I'll be working by the end of April. Watch out, world, I'm a woman with a mission and I'm on my way!

Isn't It Romantic

Romance... what a strange word to think about, really. It encompasses so many emotions and actions, and means such different things to each person that you can't really define it in a simple phrase. For my husband, romance is something similar to the image that the media has pushed on us for marketing purposes for our entire lives: Flowers, chocolate, a nice dinner, expensive gifts, jewelry, weekend trips, and so on. He can't seem to separate the idea of romance from a cost factor; if it doesn't cost a lot, it must not be romantic. To him, inexpensive flowers aren't romantic; a date night that involves coupons can't be romantic; and if for some reason you think that you don't need money to be romantic, you must be either a cheapskate or broke.

To me, on the other hand, romance involves far less money and far more attention to the needs of your partner, and consideration of their likes and dislikes. Romance for me would involve a situation where my husband wakes up in the middle of the night and tends to the baby so that I can sleep in, or gets up in the morning and makes breakfast for all of us so that I can get a break from the usual chore. It would be romantic if he left a note on my desk saying how much he loved me, or texted me a sweet little message out of the blue, or brought me home a bottle of my favorite wine so that we could share it later that evening. It doesn't take much, really, in my view; just a thoughtfulness and a sense of caring or affection that expresses itself in simple, everyday situations instead of grand gestures that take on a life of their own.



This week, for instance, Joel did something that I consider one of the most romantic things I've ever seen him do... I was having a pretty bad day for some reason, just feeling run-down, exhausted, drained, and dealing with a migraine as well. I was having a hard time dealing with Ethan's energetic interactions and trying to lie down on the couch and rest, when Joel came out of his office and said that he was going to Walgreen's. I just murmured "okay" and pushed play on Ethan's movie, expecting Joel to leave my rambunctious two-year-old with me while he drove away. Moments later, I heard him taking Ethan out to the car... and then drive away together. Even when they got home later, he took Ethan outside to play for a little bit longer, just so that I could have a bit more time to recover. I was so impressed, and humbled, and shocked, and deeply pleased by his gesture. It meant so much to me that he did that without even asking.

I know that for some people, that might not be so far out of the realms of possibility that it would seem like a big deal, but I can count on one hand the number of times he has taken Ethan out *by himself* since Ethan was born. One hand. So that is a big thing for us, and I totally appreciate it for what it is-- romantic, and generous, and loving. Now, if I can just figure out how to get a repeat without having to conjure up another migraine....

Giver of Hugs

I took Ethan to the Library yesterday morning so that he could spend a little time surrounded by books, and he was in heaven. Not so much because of the wide variety of books in the toddler/child area, but because of the other kids who were there waiting for story time to begin. He has so little interaction with other kids because we don't have him in day care right now, and every time he gets around other children he absolutely blossoms before my eyes.

On Sunday, for instance, I took him to church for a friend's daughter's confirmation and stayed with Ethan and his little buddy in the "crying room"-- a separate room where parents can take their little ones so that they don't feel they're disrupting the service. Ethan was very antsy to get out of there, but when the other kids arrived he started to perk up and play more happily. He wandered over to his buddy A. a few times and wrapped him up in a hug with this sweet smile on his face the whole time, saying "Hug! Hug!" and looking up to make sure I saw what he was doing. It was so adorable! The first few times, that is; after that, I had to gently tell him that A. had had enough hugs, because there is a limit after all.



He found another friend at the Library on Monday: "Teddy," a tiny little blond girl around his age who sat at our table and played with puzzles and books right alongside Ethan. They spent the first fifteen minutes or so just playing near each other and glancing up every so often, but then they broke the ice and started openly acknowledging each other. From then on, it was like love at first sight. They darted around the children's library, checking out doors and sculptures and scattered books, then they wandered together over to the windows and gazed out at the buses passing by. They were having a wonderful time together, and Ethan couldn't stop grinning with delight. He even walked over to her and gave her one of his famous hugs, and patted her on the head when he was done. He turned towards the window again and her grandmother said, "Can you give hugs too, Teddy?" So Teddy, not to be outdone by a mere boy, leaned towards Ethan and laid her head ever so gently on his back for just a moment.

And those are the moments I want to remember, so that I can tell him about them when he has forgotten what it meant to be a child.

And in case you've forgotten, here is a link to The Official Hug Guide.

Ugh.

Just got done with some drama, and boy is it draining. It's sometimes easy to forget, when you go through several days apart, just what it is you miss-- and don't miss-- about a person. Then, suddenly and without warning, it all becomes clear and you remember all of the reasons that you kept apart in the first place.

Anyway. Just a bit exhausted now. I have enough trouble keeping my emotions and temper in place without willingly inviting additional drama into my already unstable life. Next time, I'll opt out and go for some "me time" all by my lonesome instead.


Me Time

Bummed.

Sorry, haven't been posting this week because I'm pretty down lately. Not only did zero of the interviews result in a job offer, but then our washer AND dryer broke down completely on Wednesday, plus on Thursday I got a letter from the state saying that we owe another $905 from our 2009 taxes. We're already paying state and federal back taxes, and now have to add this huge amount on top of those. Really? We're hardly making any money at all, and still have to pay this huge amount of taxes.

Sigh.

It's just all so overwhelming right now. And the stress is turning me into a crazy person. I keep blowing up and losing my temper, and it gets so ugly that I can hardly stand being in the same room with myself. I really don't know how to get positive and believe that things will get better for us. I only have around five more checks from unemployment, meaning 2 and a half more months left of income. What in the world are we going to do? And what is this, some kind of karmic retribution or payback for bad things I did in a former life? I just want someone to save us. :(

And, three for three on the job front

Just heard back from the last of the three job possibilities, the one where I actually got called back to a second interview. They said (as usual, lately) "Thanks but no thanks, we chose somebody else." I was kind of expecting it, actually, seeing as how I hadn't heard anything in awhile from them, but there was still that little inkling of hope trying desperately to stay alive for the past couple of weeks. It's just so frustrating and disappointing. I wish I could ask these interview panels what I'm doing wrong or what isn't working for them, so that I could change it for the next one, but of course they won't say a word for fear of legal reprisals. I just need to know what I'm doing to mess up these opportunities so that I can stop doing it and get a stinkin' job offer. My federal extension on unemployment only lasts another month or two, and then what?? I was so hopeful that one of those three interviews would pan out; I was even thinking I might have to juggle job offers, but to not have even one? What a huge let-down.

Gotta stay positive, but man it's getting tough.