Pondering...

I'm not sure what to do. Be responsible, or just go for it? What a quandary... on the one hand, I should be cautious and carefully husband our meager resources until we're in a better, more stable position. On the other hand, I feel like if we wait utnil then, it will be too late-- and the moment for action will have passed. Not necessarily in terms of being able to do it financially or in other ways, but more likely I will have that much more time to convince myself that I'm just not worth it. There is always something more important that needs to be done, it seems. It's like buying myself clothes; I find it almost impossible to do so when I can think of a million other things to use the money for instead. Things like a new humidifier for Ethan's room, a side mirror for my car to replace the one that was broken several months ago, a savings account, health insurance, and so on and so forth. When you compare something you want to something you need, the right decision becomes much more obvious... just not as satisfying, for some reason.

Still, all that said, I just haven't made up my mind yet. I've always, or at least the vast majority of the time, made the choice that would be best rather than the one that I wanted the most. Even after getting the settlement money from my car accident so many years ago, I mostly did what I should have done... mostly. Paid off credit cards and bills, took care of some medical issues (eye surgery, etc.), purchased some furniture for the first time in my life, and even helped a few loved ones out. What I wanted to do but couldn't bring myself to do was take a few months off and travel around Europe. Instead, I bought a home-- and then ended up losing it in that tiny little housing fiasco you might have heard about recently. Should I have traveled instead? I might never have met my husband if I did. Or maybe he & I should have traveled together, instead of buying the house. Either way, you can't go back and re-do your life, so it's kind of a moot point.

But remembering how often I am responsible and "do the right thing" isn't really helping here, right now, when I am trying to decide what to do in this very moment. I guess I will sleep on it and hope for clarity... or hope to win the lottery, which would solve this dilemma in a heartbeat. Cross your fingers, and scratch me off a ticket!