School Blues

I am feeling so overwhelmed and tired from all of this schoolwork. My current class, Business Law, is intensive and requires about twice or even three times as much effort and participation as my previous courses. This week, for instance, our reading assignment is for 8 chapters-- EIGHT-- which are supposed to be read, understood, and processed before you can even turn in the first assignment on Day 3 of the week. Then there are the two case study discussion posts, citing case law and precedents, then responding to at least two (the minimum required to get a C grade) but preferably more other students' discussion posts... that's per Case Study. So I post two essays, then respond to 2-4 other essays, initiating a discussion in which I'm expected to respond to their responses (and the instructor's) as well.

And that's not even getting started on the weekly paper. Or the term paper. Or the fact that this goes on every week for six weeks until the next class begins. There are no breaks until school ends next August with my graduation. Ugh! Too bad I'm not rich enough to stay home and do this instead of working 8 hrs a day, then coming home to be mom (and dad, because Joel's in school every weeknight until after Ethan's in bed) to a 2 1/2 year old every night. I get to work on schoolwork either during break time or lunch at work, or after Ethan goes to sleep. It's a struggle, but I have to keep reminding myself of why I'm doing it... this is so that we can get on the path to where we want to be with our careers, our family, our home, and our future. Just have to keep that thought up front and center to stay motivated!

Motivation

Writing a paper about motivation problems at work has really made me see my workplace in a whole new light. I'm starting to realize what a beneficial experience this will be for me. Yes, this job may be temporary in that I don't plan on making a career of being an administrative assistant for $14/hour. But it is teaching me so much about what it's really like to work as a secretary, and what it's like to deal with situations in the for-profit world as opposed to schools or non-profits. I'm going to be able to use a lot of experiences as real-world case studies for school, too, which is going to be so helpful for my MBA program. And, last but not least, I'm learning more about what works and what doesn't in terms of working with a smaller company as opposed to the very large organizations I worked in before this. And that's not even getting into the fact that I'm getting a paycheck that helps support my family at the same time! :) All in all, I'd say I'm feeling pretty motivated right now. And proud of it!

No Time...

I feel like I have signed my life away to this MBA program. And not just me, but Joel, too. We are both going to school full-time and working now (thankfully), which means that we see very little of Ethan and even less of each other, not to mention hardly ever catching a glimpse of our friends and family. It's a little bit tougher than I thought it would be, this virtual isolation from our circle of loved ones, and this is only just the beginning of a long, long eighteen-month program. All I keep telling myself is that it'll be worth it in the end, it'll be worth the short-term sacrifice for the end goal... but that seems to be the common refrain of life. When does that fabled end goal arrive, anyway? I think perhaps it's time to start seeing that the process itself needs to be more enjoyable than miserable, or else reaching the legendary end goal becomes too great a burden to bear. We've got to build in some alone time for us as a husband & wife, some family time with our little guy, some get-away-from-it-all time, time with our couple friends and time for a girls/guys' night out, time with our relatives, and-- just as importantly as all the rest-- time to have some peaceful, solitary, all-by-myself solitude to recharge the batteries.

So I'll go ahead and put that plan into action, as soon as I can find some time.

Working Woman!

So, I started at my new job on Thursday, March 31st-- and it's great! The company is an HOA management and real estate firm here in Modesto, just a few blocks down the road from my house. In fact, it's so close that I could actually go home to eat on a half-hour lunch and still get back with time to spare. Not that I really want to do that very often, but it's an option, which is nice. The office is open and friendly yet professional, and seems to be a pleasant place to work. There appears to be some manager-assistant drama brewing between a couple of people, though, so I'm going to do my best to stay out of it and keep a neutral stance at all times. The good news is that I seem to have landed a very competent manager, and the woman I'm replacing is quite good at training me to take her position, so I'm pretty confident that I can do well in this office.

The position is to work as an Administrative Assistant for one of the Property Managers at the company. My particular boss is responsible for managing two professional associations and several other residential associations, some of which are huge (over 330 units!) and some of which are tiny (only 12 units). He basically provides all of the management, meaning he coordinates the custodial care, maintenance, architectural changes to the complex itself (not the homes), and so on. He's also in charge of setting up and running the bimonthly, quarterly and/or annual meetings of the HOA's board of directors. My job in all this is to assist him in preparing for all of those events: Transcribe notes; type up agendas, letters and other documents; print copies and prepare mailings; review, type, print, bind, and mail meeting packets; prepare for seminars or conferences; handle phone calls; order supplies; etc. The usual admin. assistant type of job duties.

I'm glad to be getting this experience in the business/for-profit world, FINALLY. It gets me out of social services and puts a new chapter onto my resume. I don't see myself staying as an Admin forever, because (mainly) it just doesn't pay enough to help support my family, but also because I'd really like to eventually move into a more challenging position. But for now, this is an excellent opportunity to get to know the job well, get a better understanding of the nuts and bolts of business management, and all while being able to pay rent. BINGO! I think we have a winner here. :)

Surprise, surprise... surprise!

Three big surprises in my life: First, Joel got me an ergonomic wireless keyboard and wireless mouse yesterday... How sweet is that? It is going to be so much easier to type up the multitude of papers and essays required for my MBA program with thiese handy dandy little tools. :)

Second, today is Ethan's first day at daycare! He was able to get in to Miss Janet's daycare, the same one that his buddy Aidan goes to, which is so great because at least he'll have someone he knows there. I've got mixed emotions about it; I know that I'm going to miss him, but I know as well that he is going to really love being around other kids and playing and learning and all of that. He definitely needs the interaction time, and will really benefit from it. I've been so lucky, despite all of these financial woes, because I've been blessed to spend the past two years at home with my little boy. But now it's time for him to take one little step on the path towards growing up, and I'm sure he's going to have a great time!

Third, and perhaps just a teensy smidge more importantly, I have a second interview today at the firm I interviewed with last week. I'm so happy and excited about it! Candace, the placement tech from availABILITY, called and asked me if I'd be available for a 2nd interview at 10:00 on Monday. I told her yes, because Ethan was starting daycare Monday morning so we'd be all set for to start working from this day forward. She responded with, "That's great! Because you just might be working by Tuesday." WOW! Now that's what I call fast service. Well, we'll hope that things go well and that this position works out, but if not-- I'm confident that I'll be working by the end of April. Watch out, world, I'm a woman with a mission and I'm on my way!

Job Hopes!

I think renewing my contact with availABILITY was the best thing I could have done in my job search. Candace, the placement specialist I met with on Tuesday, emailed me back on Wednesday with information about an interview for Thursday. That fast, my job hopes were raised again and I felt a little bit more energy and life flowing through me. I put on my "professional outfit"-- a fitted purple dress that has a dash of Mad Men style to it, a black dress jacket and velvety black heels-- packed up my portfolio of work examples, dropped Ethan off with my awesome parents and sister Adrienne, and headed about four blocks down the road to the company for my interview.

The company is a real estate company that has been in business for about 30 years and focuses primarily on HOA management. They are very stable and are looking for someone who is going to be around for awhile. That might clash a little bit with my plans to move to the Bay Area sometime in the future, but for now at least it sounds like a great place to work. The job duties are challenging, the office seems very well-run and professional yet comfortable, and the people seem friendly and competent. The interview seemed to go very well and I hope to hear back from them very soon... although maybe they could wait a week and let me have some time at home while Ethan's in daycare to get more homework done. It would be like a vacation, at home!

Grad School

Last week was my first week back in school as a grad student, and let me tell ya-- being out of school for the past decade has not necessarily improved my study skills, my vocabulary, or my ability to think critically. I am so nervous about this program, partly because it is a business degree and therefore nothing I have really studied before, and partly because this time around I'm doing it without the kind of free time I had before. The last time I was in school I was single and lived alone, and could arrange my schedule however I wanted to in order to get my homework, papers, reading, and prep work done. This time? Yeah, not quite. Instead, I have a husband and a toddler, am a stay-at-home mom (until I start full-time work within the next month), and have a full-time job hunt going on right now. Needless to say, my study time is somewhat limited at this point.

It has been tough enough to get my work done in the hours that Ethan sleeps this past week, and I can't imagine it will get any easier when I start working again. Not only will I lose his nap-time (about 2 hours) for school work, but I'll also lose all that time I normally get to spend doing things around the house like laundry, cooking, cleaning, and so on. How the heck do people do this?!? I am going to be either a master time-management expert or completely insane by the end of this program. Still, I'm not changing my plans or quitting. This is my goal: MBA with Human Resources specialization by September 2012. No matter what, I'm going for it. Watch out, world!

Vision Statement

My first major assignment for my Management Communication class is to develop a personal vision statement. Sounds easy, right? Yeah right. We were directed to several resources online, but I found another one that I really enjoyed using on the Franklin Covey website.



It has about ten or so pages of prompts that help you to start breaking down your personal goals, internal and external characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, dreams and goals, so that by the end you have put together a fairly comprehensive vision statement. I really liked it, and only wished that it were easier to go back and edit one section or another before printing or emailing yourself the final version. I'm definitely going to be using it for my assignment, which I plan on writing tomorrow sometime (it's due Sunday). After this week, though, my plan is to start doing all of my assignments ahead of time as often as possible, so that I can keep the stress level down and keep one step ahead. That way, if something comes up last minute and I'm strapped for time, I don't have to worry about missing an assignment because it'll already be done. That's the plan, anyway; we'll see how it pans out.

Processing....

Going through the final steps before classes begin on the 22nd... starting to get a little nervous, a little excited, a little curious about what it will be like to go back to grad school after such a long break and this time, with a two-year-old on my lap. Still haven't had any positive responses from the job applications, but I'm trying to stay positive and hope for the best. My unemployment extension runs out at the end of April; that gives me a few weeks left to get things sorted out, right?

Baydreamer

I long to live nearer the Bay Area. I yearn for it, like it's a piece of me that has been missing and is calling out for my return so that we can finally join together and become whole. I don't know exactly why, either; it's not as if I'm from there, after all. But every time I visit, I feel like I can breathe a little easier and every muscle starts to relax, little by little, until I finally feel as if I've come home again after a long journey. We used to be able to visit at least once a month, but our financial situation lately has kept us pretty close to home and we only get across the Bridge every 3-4 months. Each time we're out there, I come back to the Valley with a heightened sense of urgency about the path our lives are on, and how we can engineer things so that our family can live in the Bay Area somewhere. Someday, somehow... we'll get there.

Frostburg

So, I did some more research and decided that Kaplan might not be the best choice. There are a lot of complaints about that university, and besides that it is really expensive-- up to $32,000 if I chose the MBA with specialization option. After checking out tons of websites, I found a very helpful site called Get Educated. It ranks, rates, and compares online schools and degrees, and has separate listings like "Best Buys" and "Best Public Perception" to help narrow your choices. I looked at quite a few different online colleges on the "Best Buys" list, and after a lot of deliberation I decided to apply to Frostburg State University.

FSU is an actual college located in Frostburg, Maryland, that has expanded its MBA degree to include an online program, and it appears to run only about $14-15,000. That is about half of what I was going to pay at Kaplan! Not only that, but Frostburg seems to be a bit more choosy about who gets into their program; applicants have to have a certain GPA, have to have taken the GMAT, and/or can only be allowed in provisionally depending on certain factors (GRE scores, work history, recommendations, etc.). I like the idea that FSU is both more selective and more affordable than Kaplan, and I also like that it is primarily an actual campus rather than purely located online. I've already ordered my transcripts, completed my application, and filled out my FAFSA for 2010-11 and 2011-12. Now all we have to do is wait and see if I get in, and when I can get started. I can't wait!

Conflicted...

I'm really torn right now. In the past week I've interviewed for three very different jobs, with three different work schedules and very different pay scales. The first job is a Human Resources position in Stockton, the hours are from 6-3, and it pays about $18/hr. That would give me, if I'm doing my calculations correctly, just about enough to pay our bills without Joel having to work full-time while he's going to school full-time. The second job is an administrative assistant position and starts at $16, but I would try to negotiate up to $18 (their maximum starting pay for outside applicants) if I were offered the job. The hours on that one are from 8-5 p.m., and it's here in Modesto. Both of those jobs are different from what I was doing before because they are office-based and have none of the social work type duties that were making me feel so drained at my previous job.

The third job opportunity is the one that is causing me the most internal conflict. It pays the most ($42,000/year), has the least work days (187 days, as opposed to around 245 with a regular job), and is the one I'm most familiar with in terms of job duties. However, during the interview I found out that it also has the worst hours-- I'm expected to be at work from 9:30 to 6:30/7:00 every day, plus some early mornings every month for different school site meetings and late nights every month for school events, not to mention those days that students' parents are late picking them up, and so on. In the first place, day care closes at 6:30, which means I would have to make special arrangements to be there late every day. Then, Joel is in Stockton every day from 5:00 on, so if I'm going to be even later, or if there's an emergency, there is nobody around to pick up Ethan from day care. Add to that the fact that Ethan typically goes to bed at around 7:45/8:00, and it turns into a week where I only see my son for about an hour a day until the weekend. They also have the worst benefits package, which takes a huge chunk out of your paycheck every month; there's no way I could even add Ethan on to my insurance, for instance, and Joel would be out of luck for health benefits. I just don't know how that job would work out, considering everything, and it's really causing me some serious turmoil just thinking about it.



I wish I didn't have to be the only income here, and the whole conflict would be moot. If we had two incomes, I wouldn't have to sacrifice pretty much all of my weekday time with my child just to bring in enough to pay our bills by myself. I wish that we could have figured out a few years ago what we needed to do to get on track, and then pursued that before Ethan came along, so that we could have had everything where we need it to be career-wise and financially by now. I really hope with all my heart that I receive a job offer from one of the first two companies, so that I won't need to even worry about the third one any more. But, today has begun with blue skies and brightness, so I'm going to shelve my worries for a few hours and take my son out into the world, spend time with him, and enjoy our last few days at home together before I re-enter the workforce. Time to go hold on to him and squeeze out some giggles.

Budget Superhero(ine)

I found what may end up being my next big purchase next month. The proceeds all go to the Make A Wish Foundation, but the benefits are all for me-- an excellent and useful budgeting analysis tool that can help me get my financial crisis under control and get our family on track to seeing some of our goals in life actually come true.

The budgeting tool was developed by the owner of the Fabulously Broke blog. I found her website by chance the other day, and I think I might have a slight crush on her already. Mostly because she is ten years younger than me but already making her dreams and goals become a reality because she is taking control of her spending and really thinking deeply about what is important to her in life; another pair of shoes, or a secure retirement? A night out on the town or a significant savings account? Well, in her case, she decided that it's okay to have both, and you can-- as long as you are managing your expenses and income with a lot of forethought and planning.

Can't wait to jump on the Fabulously Broke Bandwagon!

Fantasyland

I've always been a daydreamer. Ever since I can remember, I've wandered away in my mind to other places, other times, other lives that were different or exciting or just better, by virtue of not being the one I was living. I'm not quite sure if that propensity for fantasy helped or hindered my attempts to live a real and genuine life, but it's always been a defining characteristic of mine.

For example, I always had this dream image of what my married life would be like. It would involve nights playing games with the kids, laughing at whatever silly thing we did to crack each other up... it would feature special moments where I watched my husband give my child a bath, or read them a bedtime story, or talk seriously together about bugs, moments that would make my heart ache with tenderness... it would be sprinkled liberally with times where my husband would set up a special evening together or surprise me with breakfast, or just reach across the couch and gently touch my arm while we watched the latest show together.



I don't know how much my daydreaming has informed the way I perceive my real life marriage and family, but I don't think it's helping me to feel contentment. Instead, I tend to have a vague feeling of dissatisfaction about how things are working out, as if there is something missing from the whole equation. It's like when you read a novel, and then watch the movie adaptation, and you feel a sense of loss because the film just can't capture the depth and breadth of a book-- you can't get a true picture of the characters' thoughts and feelings when an image has to replace paragraphs and possibly pages' worth of description. So, I'm left with a nagging sense of less-than, which constantly makes me question myself; am I impossible to please, or is my life really missing the mark in some way? And if the latter, what can I do to make my life *now* become the life I truly want? How do I make my daydream of married life a reality?

Job Hunt: Desperation Version

So, starting Monday I'm going into full-desperation mode on my job hunt. I'm calling all of the places where I've completed interviews and checking the status of the hiring process. At least then I'll know whether or not to keep those options open. Then, I'm calling a few temp agencies and setting up appointments at the first one that's available. I did contact some last week, but it was via an email link on their websites and I haven't heard back yet. I also plan on going in to take my typing test so that I can have a current certificate stating my typing speed. If I end up doing reception or data entry, so be it. I have one more application packet that I need to turn in this week, for a Human Resources Technician at the local community college. Unfortunately, that job doesn't even close until the 15th, so I obviously won't be hearing back from them in time to pay January rent. Which is my main goal right now: Paying rent in January. Gotta do whatever it takes to keep my family in this house. I refuse to be homeless!!

Of course, I'm not the only one in Modesto looking for a job- we have a 16.2% unemployment rate here, and it's not looking to improve any time soon.
County's jobless rate remains flat, but likely to rise - Business - Modbee.com

(D) E.B.T.

So, I'm looking into the "food stamps" issue, and finding out that it's very different than I thought it was. First of all, they're not called food stamps any more; the money is instead transferred monthly onto "EBT" (Electronic Balance Transfer) cards that look just like a debit/credit card.


I suppose they chose that form to reduce the shame factor for those people who rely on food aid to get through the month. Secondly, the range of items you can buy is pretty broad. Check it out:

What you can buy with food stamps [7 C.F.R. § 271.2]
--- Any food for human consumption except hot food (but remember, there is also an exception for approved restaurant meals programs).
--- Seeds and plants to grow food for yourself or your family.

What you cannot buy [7 C.F.R. § 271.2]
--- Pet food.
--- Alcohol.
--- Non-food items such as soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, cigarettes, etc.
--- Vitamins and medicines.
--- Any hot food, including hot food intended for immediate consumption (with the exception of restaurant meals programs).

Interesting, right? I actually found out that Papa Murphy's Take & Bake Pizza accepts EBT cards. Considering that it's around $6-8 per pizza, and that is a meal that feeds my family, I think it's not a bad deal. Not for regular use, of course, but pretty neat. Anyway, hopefully it doesn't come down to that. But if it does, I'll know how to use it!

Interview...

The latest income updates are as follows: (1) We may finally be on the last legs of our unemployment benefits, and (2) I have an interview this Wednesday with the County Office of Education. Boo and yay, all in the same breath! If this is indeed the end of my unemployment checks, and I *don't* end up getting an offer of employment this week, then I have approximately $1200 remaining in benefits. That means I have one more month of rent paid for (December) and then-- well, let's not think about it too much. If I don't get offered a job, then I plan on enrolling at a temp agency and taking whatever comes along. We'd apply for food stamp benefits and whatever else we qualify for, and hope we can make it. Joel would have to watch Ethan during the day, because we wouldn't be able to afford daycare, and I would have to make sure to be back by the time Joel has to leave for his Heald classes (4:45). If I had to do a temp job that ended at 5:00, Joel could always drop Ethan off with my parents until I can come pick him up. I don't see how we'd make enough to pay rent on that plan, but I also don't see any other options. We have to try, right?



The other possible solution, of course, is that my interview tomorrow goes swimmingly, and I get offered a position with the County Office of Education. The job is as a Child Care Specialist, and it basically involves outreach and enrollment for child care seekers, training and support for providers, workshops and technical assistance, etc. I know I can do it, and it's very similar to what I was doing for seven years at my last job, so I'm planning on knocking their socks off at the interview. I need this job; not only for monetary purposes, but for personal ones as well. I really think that having a job would benefit my entire family. Ethan needs to be in daycare around other kids his age, and he is so ready and eager to socialize that I feel like being at home with me is not the ideal place for him. My relationship would improve, even though-- or maybe because-- we'd see each other less, in that I'd feel more secure and wouldn't have quite as much stress worrying about whether or not we'll make it through the next month. And I know that my soul is craving interaction with other women and men in the workplace and community; it has been far too long to go without that kind of connection, at least for me.

Obviously, I'm hoping for the second outcome. But whatever happens, our family will survive.

Thanksgiving Plans

Our family will be taking the easy route this year and ordering a yummy, pre-cooked feast from Raley's for Thanksgiving. We're also going to buck tradition and hold our festivities on Saturday of that week instead of Thursday, because my dad works that Thursday and Friday. It's actually kind of nice, because it'll allow us to go spend time with our friend Julie for her family's Thanksgiving day, and even go visit with Joel's family as well. Usually we end up having to quadruple-book several visits on one day, which is way too much organizing for my tastes. This will be much, much easier, both on the stress level and on the gas costs.

Although, one might think that I would miss making the food for Thanksgiving, because I actually do love to try out both new and well-loved recipes, host parties, and serve gorgeous food to people. The down side is that we tend to have our family gatherings at someone else's house, while I'm still the one cooking, so it works out that I end up cooking most of the food, hauling it over to my parents' house, and usually am somehow in charge of organizing the day, too-- finding out who is bringing what, where the dishes are, how we'll set up, etc. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes, so this year Joel asked me to politely decline the honor. Which I did, shockingly!

I won't miss cooking, though, because I get to prepare all sorts of tasty little tidbits for my Tupperware party slash Thanksgiving Tasting party this Wednesday. I'll figure out my final menu today and post it up tomorrow. I can't wait to try these recipes out, and spend time with some girlfriends! The only down side is that Joel will be starting school this week and will be gone four nights a week from 5-11. But think of the silver lining: In just 18 months, he'll be done!

Wanted: Friends

I always thought I'd have more friends, at this stage in my life. I thought I'd be able to host dinner parties, or cocktail parties, or just hang out with various female pals, male buddies, couples, families, and so on... you know, the way friends do. Instead, my friends seem to be living too far away for regular contact, and I'm limited to Facebook, email, or cell phones for any sort of connection. I feel lonely all the time for genuine friendship, and I don't know what to do to change that. Whenever I meet people around town, it seems like they are already locked in to their own little cliques and their set of friends and family, and it's just too much work to fit another person into their lives. They seem great, but their lives are already booked. Mine, on the other hand, seems to have a permanent "Vacancy" sign blinking above it, like those old motels along an empty stretch of highway.



Will it ever have a "No" lit up in front of it?

Back to My Future

Never in a million years did I picture my life turning out the way it has. When I did imagine some hazy future, it varied between a couple of main themes. In the first type of dream, I would be living in a big city like New York or SF, running my own business (never sure what type) and walking to wherever I needed to go, just the quintessential independent woman with lots of stuff going on in her life-- travel, dinner parties, shopping with friends, coffee houses (or in my case, hot chocolate), and so on. For some reason, I always saw myself living in a sort of brownstone-style place, and would inevitably see myself walking down a tree-lined street, wearing heels and an awesome pea-coat, striding off toward whatever awesomeness awaited me. I never really pictured myself with a partner or spouse; it was just me, out pursuing my dreams and goals and being able to take advantage of all that the big city has to offer.

The other type of "future" dream saw me living a glammed up version of the life I have now-- in that scenario, I'm a younger mom, I actually have money (ha!), and I have two or three kids. It varies a little, but typically it focuses on these movie-style vignettes with me + babies, me + hubby + babies, or hubby + kids. I had a vague picture of an ideal husband who was a full partner, someone who would sing to the babies and teach them how to ride bikes and do funny voices during bath time, and all of that while still holding hands with me and surprising me with romantic cards or a spicy date of dancing and exploring the nightlife...

Those dreams, of course, were what floated around in my young mind while I tried to decide who I was going to be when I grew up. I never realized just how rare and magical it would be to achieve either one of them, or maybe I would have toned them down a bit to a more manageable size. Then again... are dreams supposed to be attainable, or something that keeps us reaching and striving, even when we know we may never reach the goal?