Poem: Autumn

Because I can't think of anything else to write at the moment, and because I need some positive energy to flow through me, and in recognition and celebration of the recent change in seasons, and basically "just because"... here you go.


                        Fall
                       leaves,
                    traveling,
                catch my eye
    with the fire of their descent
         and my heart stops for
      a moment- just one moment-
    but it is enough to remind me
                   of the way
                        i, too
                         fell
                          .
                          s
                         l
                          o
                          w
                          l
                         y
                         .
                       yet
                  vibrantly,
                in full color,
              joyously, even,
      leaping full-steam-ahead
   towards the firm, dark earth
                   of you.


© MSE, 30 Nov 2005

Cemetery Adventures...

For some reason, I haven't written yet about our adventure with Para-Seekers Modseto, a group we found on meetup.com. We had a very interesting time, and hopefully one day we'll get to investigate with them again... you know, when we can get a babysitter set up and coordinate our schedules and so on. Anyway, we did have at least one excursion with them, and the cool thing about it was that we got to visit Joel's hometown: Oakdale, California. We actually got to visit the Oakdale Cemetery after hours, and walk around taking photos, recording EVP sessions, and just getting a feel for the place. It was odd in the beginning, because the first place I was drawn to was a child's grave. Great. Right after I leave my son with a babysitter, I find myself going over to the final resting place of a little baby. Ack! But in reality, it wasn't all that creepy, just... sad, and lonely, somehow.

Later in the evening, though, we actually got our own crazy, cool, personal experience with an anomaly-- that we caught on camera.

Sometime between 9 and 10 p.m., I began taking a series of pictures with my digital camera, holding the camera still and taking the same shot over and over. After taking the third picture, I saw in the digital display that there was suddenly a bright anomaly in front of the headstone. I continued taking photographs to see if the anomaly would still re-appear, but it was only visible in one picture.

The headstone, before:


The anomaly:


The headstone, after:


The anomaly, close-up:


The headstone, close-up, to show there are no reflective surfaces:


So.... do you think we had "an experience" out there? Hmmm? WE do!

Searching for Hope

It seems like once we get on a good roll, something has to happen to change everything, forcing us to start over from scratch. I have to admit that I'm a worrier, so things like this tend to upset my world a bit. I like to have things tidy, organized, and running according to plan most of the time, though I'm not extremely rigid about the minute details. (Or so I'd like to think...) I really like to know what's going to happen next, and I know that I tend to have a difficult time just letting go and being completely spontaneous and free about things.

It was a lot easier to be like that when I had $30,000 in the bank, a good job, no debt, and no major responsibilities beyond myself. Now things are just a little bit different-- no savings whatsoever, laid off and receiving unemployment (but only until December), and caring for a 9-month old son who depends on me and his dad for everything. It makes every decision that much more heightened for me, and really puts my character flaws on display. I've seen myself become even more of a worrier, more anxious about security and stability, more concerned about income and bills... and then, of course, I take it out on those around me because it increases my tension, shortens my temper, and pulls my already tight nerves even further.

Is there a positive end in sight? It's all I can hold on to, the belief that things will get better for us, and that eventually we will be stable enough to go out and do the carefree, adventurous things we've always wanted to do-- without worrying about how that will impact our real lives, financially or otherwise. I've decided to just let go of the worries and let life flow around me for awhile. What has the worrying done for me, anyway? Just caused more stress and more problems. So I'm evicting it from my life. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the time with my family, and visualize a bright and happy future. Things will improve.

9 months old... can you believe it?!

We met Ethan's new doctor at Kaiser today, and it was such a relief-- she's fun, sweet, smart, and seems to have a pretty healthy sense of humor. We had a great visit, and she confirmed what we already know, of course: Ethan is doing perfectly well, developmentally speaking, and (in her professional opinion) he is soooo cute! (I thought that was hilarious; aren't they supposed to say that about all babies?) He is mid-range in his weight, above average in height, and (ahem) scored a 95 on his head circumference! That is, his head is bigger around than 95% of kids his age in the USA. Well, at least there's another 5% who have bigger braincases than he does, right? Uh, right??

Anyway- the Doctor gave me some projects to work on over the next couple of months. Apparently, as he is now 9 months old (as of Tuesday), he should be waving hello and goodbye at people. She was also a bit taken aback that he isn't saying "mama" or "dada" yet. She also thought that he should also be more adept at picking up things between thumb and forefinger. Oh, and he needs to get going with the whole sippy-cup deal, because they want babies off the bottle by that time. No pressure!! As you can see, I will have my hands full running the baby through the mill in order to make sure he stays perfectly in tune with the mid-range of babies around the country/world... or maybe not. ;)

Below is a recent picture of my darling boy, enjoying the much-too-brief rain this weekend with his daddy. Aren't they gorgeous?

Some decompression...

One of the things I regret most about our trip to Burning Man this year was what it could have been, what we could have done and seen and learned, what we missed because of where we chose to camp this year. There was so much that we weren't able to experience, yet we saw it out there and even had brief, short-lived glimpses of what could have been-- and it just makes us want to do it right next year. No more camping with a theme camp that is so disorganized, disfunctional, and negative that they suck all the fun and life out of this major adventure. No more being stuck in one spot, working our rear ends off for days at a time to set up a vehicle that isn't even fun to ride on. No more, I say! Next time, things will be different. (That is, assuming we can get another carer for Ethan next year!)

A beautiful metal sculpture, newly constructed on the Playa... she was one of our beacons and a landmark for getting home from the playa.


A lot of people end up camping out here. This year, over 43,000 burners spent time in the desert together. Here are a few of them:


And here are some of the things we learned this year:
* Clear goggles for night-time are crucial. With them, you can enjoy the evenings without constantly digging sandhills out of your eyes.
* More underwear, more socks, and more water.
* More funky costumes for both of us, plus more playa-friendly evening wear (warm shrugs, leggings, etc.). Some days, you just need to dress up, like when you're riding a pirate ship!

* Did I mention bringing more water?
* Less hard alcohol, and more light stuff-- beer, sprite, etc-- for daytime fun.
* Belt-packs/fanny packs are a lifesaver for carrying chapstick, sunscreen, gum/mints, a map or schedule of events, flashlight, 5-hour energy drinks, and anything else you might need on the Playa. And they look pretty cool sometimes, too:

* Personal challenges: We plan on making a list of challenges to ourselves and to each other, little "dares" to make sure we are stretching our boundaries and trying to grow a little bit while we're there.
* EL wire! We want to be more lit up next time, it's easier to avoid getting run into at night, and just looks cool.
* Ice-cold Limoncello is a beautiful thing in the desert.
* Nap at dawn, walk/bike/take photos in the early morning, nap in the afternoon, and be ready to hit the road all night.
* Explore more activities and more camps: We want to really get out there and meet more people next time, because we missed out on it this year. Like the people in this pic, for instance; who came up with the human hamster-mobile?


Other than that, avoid despotic tyrants and negative nancies like the plague, and you should have the most amazing adventure ever! It can be fun, exciting, challenging, and even touching or sad sometimes... Below, Joel and I share a somewhat solemn moment together on Friday. We were visiting the Temple and reading some of the very moving, intense, and personal dedications/memorials/open letters/etc. that people had added to the wooden structure. I also added some of my own. :)

While we were gone...

My son learned how to crawl! He must have had a good trainer in his friend Miss C., who stayed with him for a whole week while we were gone. She did some great work with him, because not only did he move past the "two-step" crawl/belly flop and straight into true crawling, but he also learned how to sit himself up while on the floor. He hadn't quite figured that one out before we left, so it's really neat to see him master that skill. It comes in handy when you don't want to keep laying on your stomach anymore, and want to be part of the action again. He has also started pulling himself up onto *everything* around him, which is both cool and frightening. He absolutely loves walking around while holding onto the furniture-- I guess it's called creeping, actually-- and can get up quite a speed these days. I think he'll be walking before too long, and that means we'll have to really get down to business securing the living room area so that he doesn't accidentally brain himself or something like that. He is also vocalizing a lot more lately; it sounds like we have a baby eagle talking to a pterodactyl in here sometimes!

In other news, it's actually raining in Modesto right now, bright and early on a Saturday morning. I love it! We're going to take the baby outside with us for a walk in a little bit, to let him see the weather change, up close and personal. I think he'll enjoy it-- he loves water with a passion, and is a pretty brave soul. I mean, unless you're talking about lions or elephants, because he does get a bit twitchy when he hears them. The latest Baby Einstein video we got scared him a little when the lion came out and roared, and then the other video featured an elephant blasting off, and both times he freaked out. I can't wait to harass him with those little facts when he's about 22 years old... bwahahahahahaha!!! But really, I wonder how much of it is just startling from the loud noises, because he also flips out when his dad lets loose one of his bone-shattering sneezes. Then again, so does everyone in the vicinity, so that's not saying much. ;)

Anyway, the Burning Man revelations will have to wait for another time-- it's far too much to share right now. First, experience. Then, digest. Next, process. I'm still working on digesting it!

The teeth return...

Just wanted to note this down, for future reference: Ethan's teeth are coming in-- again. The two teeth on either side of his front top teeth are already through the gums. That makes six altogether, so far. I swear, this kid is going to have a mouth full of teeth before he's one year old! I guess this is where I can finally get happy about formula versus nursing. ;)

Missing my baby already...

This is the joy of my life, the boy who we will miss while we are on our adventure... although I can't wait to share adventures with him in the future. We are actually already planning trips to take with Ethan once we come back from this one. Is that crazy, or what?

Anyway... I am just so grateful to be this boy's mother, and to have the chance to share a life with him. What an unbelievable miracle he has been, from before he was born, all the way through the scary times surrounding his unexpectedly early birth, and even more so now. I am so thankful for this awesome, amazing child, and for this time right now, right here; how did I get so lucky? Sometimes I get jittery about saying such things, even in a blog, because of the old folk tales about appearing too happy with your lot; you know, if you are too loud in your happiness or too joyous about your blessings, they will be taken from you. It's like calling an evil eye down upon you and yours, or something. But I only entertain those ideas for a moment, and then get back to thanking my lucky stars (and God) for this gift. Now, if only I can hold onto this feeling even when we go through the turbulence of adolescence... :)

My darling boy, August 2009:



This kid has the most engaging laugh EVER! We love to hear him giggle and chortle away.



Our little water-baby... he absolutely adores bath-time, just like mommy. And I absolutely adore those almond eyes. Perfection!


So, now do you see why it's going to be so hard to be without him? :)

Almost gone!

We leave early tomorrow morning, and the knowledge that we will soon be on our way to Burning Man fills me with mixed emotions. My excitement and anticipation over the trip is tempered by my sense of loss and concern over having to leave my son with friends while we are gone. Yes, I know that people have been doing that for a long, long time; but isn't it funny that everyone I speak to mentions that they never left their child overnight until s/he was two, three, even four years old? I guess I'm being an abnormal parent to willingly leave my child when he is under a year old... not that there's much I can do about it now. And would I cancel everything, at this late date? Really? I don't think so.

Poem: Sunday Morning

Time for another poem... This one is actually the first one I wrote after meeting Joel in 2005. It's important to remember the beginning of things, every so often.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

"sunday morning"

this fluttering stillness
   like the calm in a raft on gentle waves
   like the quiet of grass under swaying trees
   like the silent activity behind drawn glass doors...
it tickles my heart,
making it twirl and pirouette
to the sound of giggles and clapping hands.

you are a sanctuary
and i rest within your hushed grove
trailing my hands on your viney statues
breathing in your green vitality
digging my toes into the mossy undergrowth
and reveling in this rich serenity.

this eager restfulness
   like a darkened theater just before the show
   like children on the stairs early Christmas morning
   like a mother-to-be with one hand on her belly...
it blossoms inside me,
making me smile for no reason
while songs tumble into a glorious symphony inside my head.

you are seeping into me
a green and blue osmosis, filling up my empty spaces
bringing an energy laced with tranquility
the pause before speaking
the moment before movement
when the world is full of infinite possibilities...

and the only thing that frightens me
is the ease with which i'm falling
or floating, really,
gently shifting by degrees,
making it less obvious to the naked eye
that you have already begun
laying down roots.


© MSE, 24-06-2005

The Clock is Ticking...

There is less than one week until we leave for our camping trip. For the first time, we will be separated from Ethan for more than a day... in fact, it'll be over a week. When I mentioned it to his dad, all I got back in response was "Don't worry, I seriously doubt he'll even remember this happening." Here's the thing: I'm not so much worried about him remembering, but about me remembering! I'm starting to feel pretty anxious about how I'm going to handle being away from him for so long. I originally had all of these plans to do or have "just in case" while we're away, such as driving my own car up alongside Joel and the others, just in case something happened and I had to leave early; or bringing a satellite phone just in case something happened, so that I could find out immediately with a daily phone check-in; and so on.

The problem is this: The more I try to plan for "just in case" scenarios, the more worried I get. It's one thing to have a will or Child Care Power of Attorney in place whenever we leave for an extended period of time; it's a whole other situation when you start taking extra vehicles and having specific phone check-ins while you're on a vacation/adventure. I worry about what might happen if I actually do take my own vehicle, and then I do get some type of emergency phone call during the week we're gone... I can't even begin to picture myself driving back the seven to eight hours in any sort of rational state of mind. What I could see happening is me freaking out, then trying to drive back but driving back too fast or too recklessly, and then making the situation even worse!

Then, what about the satellite phone? Am I really going to force Ethan's carers to be at their phone at a specific, pre-determined hour every day, to call in and prove that he's still alive and kicking? Am I seriously going to expect that I will actually be around my campsite, with access to someone who has keys to the motorhome (because obviously I'd have to lock up the satellite phone at all times out there, it's a pretty hot commodity in a no-cell-phone region), at that same pre-determined time? How would I even make sure that happened? What if there was a time when we missed each other for some reason; would I then fixate on it and freak out even more? Knowing myself, the answer is yes.

I have this regrettable tendency to worry over even the most minute possibility of risk or danger, and there are times when my mind just starts this wagon wheel of worry, revolving around the same fears over and over again, until that's all I can think about. I've really been thinking about it a lot for the past week, and I've decided that I have to trust my cares and my own judgment in choosing them to take care of Ethan for us; I have to trust my instincts that he will be okay, and that we will be okay without him for awhile. If I try to account for every detail and bring "just in case" with me on our trip, there is no way I will be able to free myself, let go, and enjoy the experience. And really, if I do that, what is the point in going?

Poem: Vertigo

So, I write poetry. Yeah, I know, it's such a cliche to write terrible poetry, but I just can't help myself. I haven't written in a long, long time, though; perhaps because of the whole pregnancy/newborn/stay-at-home mom situation. But what kind of excuse is that? Poets have been writing since language first became written down, and they've written during wartime, from prison cells, while trekking through the wilderness, and yes, even while staying at home with the kiddies. No more excuses for me, I guess.

But while I try to revive my motivation to write, I'll stoke the creative fires by posting some older poems. This one, called "vertigo", I wrote in summer of 2005, a couple of months after first meeting the man who would become my husband.

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"vertigo"
(on finding myself disoriented after you leave)

i am...
unsettled.
things are different, now.
a little bit off.
unrecognizable.

it is as if a stranger
has been in my house.
i cannot describe what has been
moved, or taken, or shifted, but--
things have changed.

at night i sleep fitfully,
pillows too warm and
mattress too soft,
unable to get comfortable
in my own bed.

i am often hungry... and
just as often cannot seem to find
my appetite.
i thirst for something.
anything.

my mind circles around
this strangeness inside me,
pushing and pulling at its fabric,
trying to make this new thing
comfortable, familiar.

even then, here on my bed is
an imprint, this space
in the shape of you...
and me trying to
pour myself into it.

© MSE, 28-08-2005

Creepy, crawly...

After several weeks of practice, which involved push-ups, lots of "walking" with mom and dad (and anyone else, really), and tons of false starts, Ethan finally figured out the crawling process today. For a few weeks now he has been so, so close to crawling that *all* of us were starting to get a little frustrted, not just him. He would get up on his hands and knees, sort of rev up a little bit, and even moved his legs forward one at a time, and then-- nothing. He couldn't quite get the part about moving your arms forward, too. Instead, he would lock his upper body into place, so that after moving his legs forward a bit he was basically stuck. At that point, he would drop to the floor and go back to his marine-style belly crawl, which he's pretty good at. But tonight, the day after he turned 8 months old, he did it-- he moved his arms forward in sync with his legs! He may have only taken a few "steps" forward, but this is only the beginning. He is now, officially, a crawler!



Which is scary. It's also funny timing, because just this afternoon we all went out to Babies 'R Us to buy some home safety gear (latches, edge guards, etc.). Maybe he knew we were finally getting ready for a mobile baby, and so decided that now he was free to finally take the next step. Or maybe we just lucked out and waited until the next-to-last second before prepping the house!

Baby, you're a genius!

My newest discovery in the world of parenting...


Ethan is completely taken by his new DVD. He sits and takes it all in, completely silent, just chewing on his seat strap and mellow as can be. Every so often, he lets out a delighted chuckle, like when the toy duckie quacks its way across the screen. He is mesmerized, and so am I-- watching him. The DVD seems to be perfectly suited to infants, with its bright colors, simple presentation of common animals, and light, cheery music throughout the movie. I also like the way they show the real animals as well as toy versions, drawings, and puppets of the animals, to give kids more of the general concept of "dog" rather than just "golden retriever".

I can't wait to get more of the other Baby Einstein DVDs for Ethan. I'd been trying to get them at our local library, but they are constantly checked out, and even have waiting lists of parents wanting to get ahold of them. Now I can see why! I checked out Amazon, and they have tons (of course) of the movies, but I got this particular one-- Neighborhood Animals-- at Once Upon A Child in Modesto for only $10, brand new. Great deal! They have several other DVDs there, so I'm going to go back soon to raid the shelf. Out of my way, moms! I'm on a mission!

Sweet love, or zombie hunger?

Ethan is learning... I think. Either that, or he's trying to win me over with his sweetness so that he can then surprise attack me and devour my face. Here's the sitch.

Lately, we have begun a bedtime routine with Ethan. He takes a bath, which he loves dearly, and then he changes into his jammies. (Which for some reason I keep wanting to call his "nightie"; must be leftovers from growing up with all girls and then with an only niece.) After that, we go into the living room and read a couple of short books. The last book we read together is something about bedtime, or night-time, or sleeping; you get the general idea. After that, it's time to say goodnight to all of his friends throughout the house. His panda, named "Penguin", is the first animal we say goodnight to, with a big hug and a kiss. Then we we move on to Joel's photo of a bee (Ethan is completely thrilled by the "bzzz" sound. It's hilarious). Then, we work our way down the hall, saying goodnight to baby Ethan's portrait on the wall, and then to the bathtub (his favorite place), and then it's finally into his room. We say goodnight to his frog vaporizer, his piggy bank, and his giant teddy bear. And this is where it gets kind of weird.

I noticed the last couple of nights that Ethan started to open up his mouth while leaning in to the bear for his goodnight "kiss". I just figured that he was trying to give the bear his own kiss, and hadn't quite figured out the open-versus-closed mouth thing yet. So I wrote it off as a sweet new gesture Ethan's picking up. But then the other day, he leaned in towards me with that same open-mouth "kiss" that I thought was so adorable, and so I let him get all the way to my face-- where he proceeded to chomp down with all four of his razor-sharp teeth. That HURT! I was sort of unsure what to do next; do I yank myself back out of harm's way, or would that actually make things worse? He had a pretty good-sized hunk of cheek in his little mouth, and didn't seem like he was letting go any time soon. Long story short (too late!), I stuck my fingers in between his lips and my face and he eventually pulled back, and then-- in a simultaneously cute and disturbing way-- giggled with delight.

So now I don't know whether or not to trust this kid... does he love me, or does he hunger for my tasty flesh? And is that why he likes his formula so warm-- because it's so similar to body temp? Is he a changeling? A ZOMBIE changeling? Guess I'll have to keep an even closer watch on him from now on... and hide the "how-to" flicks like Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later. No need for an instructional video with this kid!

Disappointment...

It's amazing how easy it is to be disappointed in others. Maybe it's just me... maybe I set standards that are too high for anyone to reach, or maybe I don't communicate just how important certain things are to me, or maybe it's just that I am naturally a pessimistic person and so being disappointed is sort of what I expect out of life... who knows. Either way, it seems like the minute I find myself feeling positive and trusting towards someone else and relying on them for something, that is the exact moment when I find out that I can't actually depend on them the way I thought I could.

Why is that? Am I purposely blinding myself to the fact that I chose the wrong person to trust, or that I trusted that person with the wrong thing? Or am I expecting fallible people to never make mistakes? I wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the fault lies with me, rather than with anyone else. If I could just pinpoint what it is, maybe I could start to deal with it in a way that makes things a bit easier on everyone-- myself included.

I mean, it's no fairy tale going through life like this; it's a lot of pressure to worry and expect the worse, and more than that, to actually see your fears realized. There must be a way to be more accepting of others (and myself), and to be a bit more generous with my forgiveness. But right now, it feels like a betrayal every time, and it makes my heart pound, my pulse flutter, my skin flush, and my breath stick in my throat. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't seem to get my head straight while I'm dealing with all of the emotions brought on by shattered expectations.

I guess one solution would be to stop having them. Expectations, that is. But is it even possible? Or desirable, for that matter? I'm not sure. But then, it's midnight, and I'm not sure of much except that I'm feeling a bit like a sailor trying to come in for the night, and wondering why someone shuttered the lighthouse.

Developmentally speaking...

Both of Ethan's top teeth cut through this past week. That makes it official: Four teeth before 8 months old. I always knew this kid would be an over-achiever...

Well, actually, I read in one of his developmental milestones books that many children cut their first four teeth by their 8th month. But guess what? He's still not quite 8 months old (though he will be this weekend), so HA!! He beat those other kids! And so the competitiveness begins... :)

Seriously, though, I am impressed by how much this baby has changed in just a few short months. It seems like just a moment ago that we were working on rolling over, or even just strengthening his neck enough to hold his head up. Not anymore, bub! He has those down pat. He's currently fixated on standing, walking (while holding our hands, of course), and just generally getting around. He's not too enthralled with crawling, yet; he mostly does a sort of marine-crawl on his belly, but he can really get some distance doing that. He is also working on getting himself to sit up alone, but we aren't quite there yet. On the other hand, he is perfect at sitting up by himself, and is quite possibly the twistiest twister in the history of twisted twisting. I can hardly change his diaper-- the minute you lay him down on the changing table, he twists his whole body over onto his stomach within three seconds. It's like trying to change a writhing snake, or something. Once he's on his stomach, of course, he's happy.

That is, he's happy until he decides it's time to try climbing out of the changing table, at which point the wrestling game begins again. I've already had him roll off enough surfaces in this house; I can't really take another one. I'm beginning to wonder what the solution is, here, to the whole Twisty McMover problem; do I just have to get really, really fast at the diaper change, or is there some way to distract and entertain him while I get the dirty business done, or what? I know there has to be an answer, but for some reason those baby development books skip this particular quandary. Hmm...

Kaiser to the Rescue!

The final word came in today: Our application for Kaiser Permanente's Child Health Plan was approved! That means that Ethan will be covered from September 1, 2009 through 2011, at the incredible cost of $15 per month. In fact, the well-child visits are free (to 23 months), immunizations are free, and regular visits are only a $5 co-pay. How unbelievable is that? I mean, the only way we qualified for Kaiser's plan is because I lost my job, which allowed us to finally fall into the correct income bracket, but still... what a miracle! So far, we've had Ethan covered on Anthem Blue Cross, and we've been paying $67/month-- but the plan also had a $1500 deductible, 30% co-insurance, and a $30 co-pay at each visit. We already hit our deductible a few months ago, when he was sick and there was no other option but the emergency room (since his doctor's office at the time didn't provide urgent care services)... ugh. I knew there was a reason I didn't like Anthem Blue Cross.

There is only one thing that I'm concerned we might lose by going with Kaiser: his current pediatrician. A couple of months ago, we finally switched from his original pediatrician over to Valley Oak Pediatrics. The difference was like night and day; for the first time, we felt comfortable and happy and welcome at his doctor's office. The providers are all very kind and knowledgeable, and his doctor in particular is warm and caring and I just love her. It was so nice to find an office where I could see Ethan coming back for years and years, and enjoying his visits, and actually feeling attached to his doctor, like so many of my friends had said of their own children. At his original doctor's office, there was just zero friendliness. The doctor was very cold, stand-offish, reserved, and clinical.

In fact, his first doctor was also the one who gave us our initial scares about the baby, when we brought him in for his first couple of appointments. The first week he was born, she had me take him in for a chest x-ray, telling me that not only was his jaw very recessed (!), but that his chest cavity was much too narrow and that I needed to get it checked out immediately. Hellooooo!!! Talk about nerve-wracking. In the x-ray waiting room, I felt like bawling my eyes out, just thinking about this brand-new baby boy who might have serious medical problems already... but of course, it turned out to be perfectly fine. And his "recessed jaw"? Looks great to every other physician and nurse who has seen him. Oh, and at our two-month appointment, right before I finally cancelled our connection to that office, his doctor tells us that Ethan might have to have a helmet fitted to his skull to help re-shape his head, because it's much too flat on one side. How could we have avoided this, we asked? Oh, you should have been switching his head from one side to the other each time he slept, she said; as in, nap 1 = left side, nap 2 = right side, etc. Um, do you think she might have mentioned it at our *FIRST WEEK APPOINTMENT*, perhaps? Yeah. Anyway, I think you can see why I was pretty upset about it.

But back to the current doctor: I just hope and pray that they accept Kaiser at Valley Oak. Then we can keep going to his awesome doctor for as long as we live here. Woo-hoo!

Sew, you're saying there's a chance...

Sewing: Who knew it could be so much fun? I just got my first sewing machine, and I've decided that sewing could probably give my other hobbies-- scrapbooking, making DVD slideshows, even cooking-- a run for the title. It's awesome! I already made my first vest for Burning Man, and it was a blast. Okay, okay, so it's a little lopsided, and maybe a bit shorter than planned, and I somehow ended up "shrinking" it a bit, but luckily it's going to Burning Man, and none of that is going to be noticed. In fact, it might even be celebrated, simply because I made it with my own two hands. Oh, and the, uh, you know, sewing machine.

The vest, by the way, is a scarlet furry material that is going to ROCK the playa. Woo-hoo!

I will be posting up pics soon of my upcoming projects: The purple cloud material that is in some strange way vaguely reminiscent of cowhide, and that will become vests; the furry black & white skull & crossbone pants; the short, jagged edge capri-length pirate pants; the furry wrist cuffs, and the polka-dot shrug (with matching skirt), and anything else my inspired mind can come up with while staring at the material we have. Yard sale holders, beware: I'm on the prowl, and I won't take no for an answer!

Just in case...

I love this kid. I mean it-- I really, really love this son of mine. And not just because he's so adorable, or he has such a sweet smile, or his chittery-chattery laugh is so infectious... I love him because he is this physical embodiment of everything that is good about me, and everything that is good about Joel, and everything that is good about people in general-- and I am lucky enough to be his mother. I get the honor of taking care of him and helping him learn how to live in this world we've made. I get to nurture him through the achy, sore, yucky times, and sing along with him through the fun, silly, happy times. It's an amazing gift, and I feel so lucky to be able to share this time with him.

And it's really crazy how much this experience-- motherhood-- has made me slow down and take in every moment as if there may never be another one. Watching my son sleep and play and gaze with curiosity at everything around him has made me strangely and intensely aware of my own mortality. I've been really fixated lately on making sure that Joel and I have wills done before we leave on our trip at the end of August. Not that I think anything is going to happen, mind you; it's more like a "just-in-case-something-happens-while-you're-gone" policy, right alongside getting life insurance and making sure you have someone to water the plants or pick up the mail. I can't imagine leaving for a long trip without the baby, and not having something written down that designates a guardian for him. And I want to have videos and pictures attached to the will or accessible to the guardians (and updated regularly, of course) so that he will always have these memories saved for him. And unfortunately, the more I think about this topic, the more morbid it sounds.

It's not that I want to focus on where Ethan would go if anything happened to Joel and me, or fixate on the possibility of death; but now that I'm a parent, I can't help but have something in place for my son. I am responsible for him, whether I'm here or not, and that responsibility will never end. Ever. So if there's anyone out there who hasn't made a will yet, or set up guardians for their kids, do us all a favor and get it done. The one thing a loving parent does not want is for their child(ren) to be stuck in a long, drawn-out court scene, and possibly in court custody, while their living situation is being figured out. Personally, I want to designate those guardians myself, and make sure my baby will be with someone who will love and cherish him just as his own parents would.

Okay, enough of the morose and depressing conversation. But, please: go write your will.

Judge not...

Everyone I've spoken to who has actually been to Burning Man gets a sort of dreamy, starry-eyed look on their faces as they reminisce about the sharing, kindness, generosity, friendliness, and genuine caring that they found there. They tell stories about the random group of strangers who gave them dinner one night, and the guy from a nearby camp who would bring over coffee in the morning, just because he thought they needed some... they talk about the deep friendships they've built from meeting people there, and they speak with a sort of awe about how quickly and deeply you can build connections there.

In a way, I see this as a way to gauge people, almost the same way I used to see the way people reacted to my shaved head or tattoos. They typically either jump right into the judgment chair and have a negative and moralistic reaction, or they sit back and take it all in, say something along the lines of "wow, seems like something you're really interested in; cool" and then let it be. Rarely, someone will be positive and supportive right away, and that's when I feel the most accepted. But you know what? I've realized I don't really need their acceptance; the people I really care about love me no matter how weird or out there my interests lie, because they know that it doesn't change who I am or how I care about other people. So the judgers can all just get together and point out everyone else's differences and pontificate about how wrong they all are; go ahead, enjoy yourselves. I'll be out living my life and enjoying *that* instead!

Teef

Ethan finally cut one of his top teeth yesterday. And by finally, I mean those upper gums have been swollen, red, and painful looking since early June... and just now are deciding to make an appearance! I'm so glad, too, because he has just been getting more and more miserable lately. For the past couple of weeks, he started waking up in the middle of the night again to take a full bottle and then head back to sleep. During the days, he would fuss and kind of whimper every so often, and was constantly rubbing at his mouth and gums. The last day or two before his tooth finally cut through his gums, we noticed that he was pushing his two lower teeth up and rubbing them across his upper gums, trying to help those top teeth come out. And man, let me tell ya, those bottom teeth are sharp, so he must have been pretty desperate to use them as cutting tools. Ouch!

He and I went to the Library today to pick up some books together, and see if they had any Baby Einstein DVDs. Well, turns out those are popular, and every single Baby Einstein movie is not only checked out, but reserved for the next person in line already. So we got a Veggie Tales DVD instead-- "Silly Songs with Larry"-- and he loves it. That's good news, because I love it too! I'm actually going to just have to buy the whole series, because I really enjoy all of the Veggie Tales episodes; they have great music, fun characters, and positive messages in every show. And the Silly Songs are absolutely hilarious. I still remember the words to my favorites from watching them with my niece almost ten years ago, which is either a testament to the songwriters' genius or an example of my own silly nature. Probably both.

Preconceived Ideas...

... what is it they say about "assumptions" making asses out of people? It's funny... people seem to have very specific ideas about what Burning Man is and why we are going, but in reality 100% of those people have never been to it. Where are they getting their ideas about what Burning Man is all about? I sincerely doubt any of them has even taken the time to go to the website and check it out from the original source. No, just like many of today's journalists, there is no time to be wasted looking for "facts" or "data" or trying to verify whether something you read is gospel or not. It's just so much easier to listen to rumors, gossip, or hearsay, and then make up your mind without having to do any actual research or analysis. Many of the people who have discovered that we are attending Burning Man this year have had fairly negative reactions, and seem to think that we are heading into a sort of modern Sodom and Gomorrah situation here. They think that we are going in order to discard our values and dissolve the standards that we live by in our normal, day-to-day lives, so that we can be completely free of any boundaries that morality places upon us. Hmm... so far, sounds good!

Actually, I was being slightly facetious there. I personally see this as an experience that will help me to remember the free, wild, innocent child-like me that's living inside this mommy-wife-provider who has to be responsible and worry about bills and wear certain clothes and plan out recipes, and just generally live the roles I've chosen. I want just one week where I can be Me, the me with a capital M, the individual, the me who exists in a more hidden place and who needs to breathe every so often. I want to dress up and wear costumes and act silly, to take risks and introduce myself to strangers and watch fire dancers and soak up the positive energy of thousands of free spirits and open souls. And if that sounds too hippie for someone else, so be it. I'm not making them go!

Furr Play

FurrPlay is one of the vendors we saw at the Burning Man Prepare for the Playa event on Saturday. They were awesome! She had such a huge variety of furs, all different colors and designs and items, from wrist cuffs to hats to tops and coats. It was so cool, and the owner and creator Gwen was such a sweet lady, and very friendly. Along with several other vendors, she also volunteers as a Greeter at the gates to Burning Man, so I'm sure we'll see her again when we go. :)

Back to the costume extravaganza-- I was coveting so much stuff at the Grotto, it was ridiculous. I felt like I was one of those cartoon creatures, walking around with my jaw dropped and my tongue lolling out, just drooling over all of the amazing, beautiful, funky creations all around us. It was a good thing I didn't have any money or else it all would've been spent in moments. There were so many things to look at that I hardly knew where to turn! You can see the vendors' individual websites with their items here. Most of these are a bit out of my price range, but they are actually priced very well for hand-made, often one-of-a-kind artistic creations. At least we know they weren't made with slave labor from another country, I guess.

Burning Man... and so it begins

Although we've been planning this for some time now, it really hasn't hit me that we are actually going to go to Burning Man this August until today. Perhaps that is due to the uncertainty over how we would handle Ethan's care during that time; I kept a fairly large doubt in the back of my mind that we would even be able to get something nailed down in time, and considered the option of trying to sell our tickets if nothing came through. But like I noticed earlier, we have some wonderful friends out there. When I mentioned that we needed help, BOOM! They jumped at the chance. I actually had more offers than I could use, believe it or not! At this point, he will be staying with friends up north for the first half of the trip, then with a friend here in town for the second half of the trip. If I don't go crazy from missing him, I will be surprized. This will be the first time we've been away from him for more than 12 hours... and it will be TEN DAYS!!! Ugh. I can't really spend too much time thinking about it, or I'll convince myself not to go.

This Saturday, we'll be heading out to San Francisco for the Burning Man season opener Prepare for the Playa. They'll be having workshops about how to have a great Burn experience, fashion shows with tons of fur, LED costumes, steampunk, etc., and lots more. I can't wait! After meeting with our new camp-mates earlier this week, I've really started to feel the adrenalin pumping about this trip... pictures will be posted, never fear, with identities blurred to save the not-so-innocent.

Hostess With the Mostest

Today I was lucky enough to travel with my mother, my sister, my niece, and my son to go visit family in Fresno. I say "lucky" not only because the company was great, but because my aunt is one of the best hostesses I know. She's amazing! She always has more than enough food for everyone, and it's always delicious. She has a mix of company varied enough that there is always movement, conversation, snippets of laughter, and interesting discussions going on in various parts of the house. And the best part of it all is that there is always a sense of love and warmth at her parties. It just feels so inviting and comfortable to spend time with her; it is the aura that I would think every hostess would strive for when having guests over. It's my goal to be like that, too, instead of what I usually am-- stressing over some minutiae that hardly matter, or worrying that there isn't enough fill-in-the-blank (beverage, food, seating, guests, etc. ad nauseum).

I'm thinking about starting up a mom's group in my city. There don't seem to be many options for those of us who stay at home but don't want to join one of those "Buy my product!" groups, where they get together ostensibly for fun but really to try to sell their energy bars or vitamins or whatever. I'd also *love* to get a ladies' game night going, one where we could play Mah Jongg or May I? or Scrabble, eat some cute finger foods, and maybe have a mojito or two. Maybe the reason why I'm taking so long to get either one of those going is because I'm too self-conscious about my hosting skills... I need some training, stat!

Friends

A close friend just reminded me that, when you need something, a true friend won't have to be asked-- they offer their help and support, because that's what friends do for each other. It really hit me somewhere vulnerable, somewhere my feelings and fears are hidden, somewhere I try to pretend I don't need other people and I am as independent as they come. It was as if someone just reached out and took the heavy grocery bag out of my hands, or started doing the sink full of dishes after a dinner party, or picked up the baby before I could even get to him when he started crying. It was a sort of unspoken willingness to be there and be a "partner in crime" that really got to me; it's what I've been lucky enough to have very few times in my life, and now I've got two amazing women in my life who are happy to be that kind of friend.

It's not so much that I didn't know that friends do those sorts of things; it's more that it is very easy to forget, and I need to be reminded every so often. It is so difficult for me to ask for help in the first place. It's like I have this driving need to appear completely capable and self-reliant at all times. Well, guess what? It's not so easy once you have a child around who is completely relying on you to be there for him 24 hours a day. Sometimes, you need a break, or some help, or a babysitter, or more than that-- sometimes (as is the case with Burning Man) you need an entire network of supporters who can tag team each other in and out of the babysitting ring, and god willing you have some loving, supportive, trustworthy people out there you can rely on for this most precious, special gig. And guess what? I do. Thank you to each of them for being that most cherished of people-- a friend.

Freezer Meals

My favorite book for the past couple of weeks:
Don't Panic - Dinner's in the Freezer: Great-Tasting Meals You Can Make Ahead I don't typically use cookbooks, as I'm usually on allrecipes.com instead, but this one really works for me. The author gives recipes that work beautifully for freezing in bulk and either reheating and serving, or doing just a little bit of prep and cooking on the day you serve it.

Some of the recipes I'll be using for camping (ahem, Burning Man) because they are simply reheated on the day you serve them include:
* Meatballs
* Cottage Pie
* French Steak
* Rocky Mountain Beef Brisket with Barbecue Sauce
Can you tell I'm having a red meat fixation right now? YUM!

The book is very easy to read and the instructions are clear and simple. She gives you the original recipe (6-10 servings), then what the proportions would be if it was x2, x4, or x6. I'm finding it comes in handy to buy meat or veggies in bulk when they go on sale, because then I can chop, prep, and put them into a meal rather than just freeze them uncooked in multiple packages, putting off the preparation until later. It has also been allowing me to have more time with my family at night, instead of being stuck in the kitchen, because all I have to do is defrost and reheat most of the meals. And they're still delicious! Anyway, *love* the book.

Family Traditions: Weekly and Monthly Rituals

More thoughts inspired by reading The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays & Everydays
I'd like to start some regular family traditions that have nothing to do with holidays or birthdays. I am really drawn to the idea of holding weekly family meetings, where we can go over our upcoming appointments and other calendar issues, talk about problems/challenges and brainstorm solutions, make long-term plans, and celebrate good things that happened that week. It would really go far to helping teach kids about communication, conflict resolution, goal-setting, and besides all that would be a great place to keep connected no matter how busy we get over the years.

I also like the idea of hosting a monthly pot-luck/BBQ/pizza party where we invite a different family each time... eventually, as the kids get older, they could be in charge of the menu, invitations, hosting duties, etc. What a fun way to teach responsibility, and how to deal with entertaining guests, and so much more.

A special father-focused ritual that the author of the book discussed was about dad spending time with one child, alone, at a specific time each month or week. One dad made time each week for "dates with dad" where his son chose the activity (bowling, going to the hobby store, riding bikes together). Another dad had "Full Moon Walks" with each child when they turned 10 years old; he would take them out once a month during the full moon, and they would head out to a more forested area and just walk and talk and hang out at night, just the child and their father. How special is that! Now I just have to convince Joel...

Family Traditions: Coming of Age

I really, really, really want to incorporate some coming-of-age rituals for our kid(s). There are several that I've read about for girls; some get a new ring (possibly a ruby, for the red connection) to celebration the onset of adulthood, some get to meet with a circle of women from the extended family/friends who share about womanhood and give advice and support; some get a new book about body changes and a special dinner. One that I read about and loved involved taking the girl to the beach at night. They set up a circle of sparklers, and the girl walked into the center of the circle. A woman would get up and join her in the circle, and speak about what the girl meant to her, what she was like as a girl and what she hoped for her as a woman, and so on. It sounded so special and spiritual and very sweet; I'm wondering about setting one up like that for my favorite niece in the world...

For boys, there are other suggestions for honoring their transition into adolescence and adulthood. In one family, the weekend that a son turned 13, he would go on a long camping trip alone with his dad. Along the way, they would read and talk about manhood rituals, engage in a physical challenge (kayak, etc.), and so on. I like that a bit, but I actually prefer ones I've read about where a group of boys went with their dads for this trip; at a bonfire, the fathers would stand and talk about why they were proud of their son, what manhood meant to them, and what they hoped for the future. It seems more like the sparkler ceremony that the girls have... I like the incorporation of fire, and the idea of involving other boys and their dads. I also like the idea of getting other men in his life together to pledge their support for him as he enters adolescence. He needs adult male mentors around him as he grows; that'll be a challenge for us, as we live near so few of Joel's male friends.

For both girls and boys, I think they need a special day where they sit down and talk with mom and dad about the body, sex, hormones, love, etc.-- "The Talk"-- and I think that it needs to happen before age 13, when it's already been discussed by classmates and seen all over TV and the internet. I think we'll plan it for age 10 or age 11... get 'em early!

Family Traditions: Thanksgiving

Growing up, Thanksgiving was full of ritual-- the same foods every year, pretty much, the table set with the nicest dishes (usually china), and the family wearing our best clothes. We also had guests over many times, which was nice because it kept everyone on their best behavior. (Usually.) As a kid, I remember loving Thanksgiving the most out of every holiday, even birthdays; or maybe that's because my birthday was right around Thanksgiving, and every few years fell right on it. Either way, I loved the smell of the food cooking, the bustling around the kitchen, the chatter of guests and the dressing up and using our "special" dishes and table settings... We had turkey, stuffing, jellied cranberry sauce, olives (for the fingertips, of course), corn, mashed potatoes with my mom's famous gravy, dinner rolls, candied sweet potatoes-- the kind with the marshmallow topping-- and of course, dessert. We had pumpkin pie, mincemeat pie, and sometimes apple pie. It was a crazy huge feast, and we would have leftovers for days, which was probably the best part of the meal. :)

For our family, I think I'd like to keep the formality of Thanksgiving dinner, but change up the meal a bit every year. Maybe we can keep the turkey the same, but I really have this driving need to have different dishes each Thanksgiving. For instance, I can't stand pumpkin pie-- but I love pumpkin cheesecake and other pumpkin-related dishes. The last few years, I've made pumpkin cheesecake in a gingerbread crust, pumpkin squares, pumpkin cake, and so on. I think I'll keep that tradition going; a new pumpkin-related dessert every year. Or maybe not even pumpkin-related; I'm getting all crazy in here! I also like to try new stuffings every year, and make homemade cranberry sauce-- it's more of a chutney, actually-- and I think I'll stick with that as well. I did find this unbelievably delicious green bean dish that is to die for, and I think that might be a staple for the next several years... is that how this tradition thing gets started?

I'd also like to add some meaningful rituals to our Thanksgiving, to really get the most out of the special day. There were two great ideas in the book. One was the "Thankful Box": Make a cardboard box with a slit in it the week before Thanksgiving; everyone writes down things they're thankful for, then people take turns reading them aloud during the feast. Another idea was "Thank-You Notes": The week before, have everyone write a note or two for special people who won't be joining you for dinner (anyone from Coach to Grandma); at Thanksgiving, have everyone say a few words about who they thanked, and why. I think it's really important that our family remembers to have gratitude and to practice showing it and telling each other how thankful we are for each other. And besides, it feels good-- to hear it, and to say it.

Family Traditions: Christmas

I've been really thinking a lot about which family traditions I loved as a child and want to keep for my family, and which new ones I want to make a part of our future with Ethan and whoever else becomes a part of the Joel & Melanie clan. I want to make sure we have certain things that we do every year at the same time to honor and recognize special events, and that we can start doing daily or monthly rituals as well. I know that rituals are important: they help us make memories and connect to our family; they help us get through tough times and help generate a feeling of stability and security; they help us know ourselves better and build a sense of personal and family identity; and they can be silly, special, or sacred depending on the day. And I want them for my family!

Many of the rituals I remember from childhood are connected to holidays. At Christmas, for instance, we had several rituals we went through every year, or else it just wasn't Christmas. First, we lived in a desert and had an artificial tree. It was important to be able to have all of us put the tree parts together; green with green, red with red, and so on. And then we would decorate with all of our old, familiar ornaments, telling stories sometimes when we found our favorites. Then, on Christmas Eve, we would get to open one gift each, and all of the kids would go sleep in the same room. In the early morning when we awoke, we would find full stockings outside the bedroom door. Inside were gum, oranges, small toys, tiny books, snacks or chocolates, and other little gifts, just enough to keep us busy for another hour or two until my parents were ready to wake up and come downstairs. Once they were ready, we were allowed to go downstairs, where suddenly all of these presents appeared under the tree. One person usually ended up the designated "Santa" and brought people's gifts to them. After the flurry of opening presents, we would start preparing for our breakfast/brunch feast.

One thing I didn't like about Christmas was how blase we were about our multitude of gifts. We took so much for granted! In the book I'm reading, one family gives each child only three gifts, because that is how many baby Jesus got in the Bible. Interesting idea... they also make it a treasure hunt, with clues leading to more clues which lead eventually to the hiding place of the gift(s). I like that idea-- but for birthdays, not Christmas. I also liked the idea of getting everyone a new set of pajamas each Christmas. At least then they look good in the photos, right?

This is the book I have been reading:

Primo: The Beginning, Part 1

So, the beginning... the start of it all... the first post on my blog. What to say? How do I grab your attention and keep it for at least the next few minutes? With promises of witty and entertaining banter, or a deep discussion of life's quandaries? Oh, the dilemma... but not really. This isn't meant to be an award-winning, groundbreaking blog that uncovers the mysteries of life. It's just me, talking to you, about stuff that's important to me and that I think you might find interesting or amusing or at least a better waste of time than whatever project you were just working on so intently. So put up your feet, relax, and have a good time!

I don't have much of that right now-- time, that is-- as my son Ethan is sitting on my lap and trying with every ounce of his being to reach the keyboard. Looks like this is going to be a nap-time and late-night project for me. Along with my Burning Man costumes, scrapbooking, and photo archiving. Oh, and DVD creation. But that's just *this* month. ;)

Cubist Food

Ethan LOVES to eat! Maybe not three times a day, but definitely mid-day he loves his baby food. So far, we've had great luck with the bananas, applesauce, sweet potatoes, carrots, and even peas and summer veggies. Soon, I'll be able to start making my own baby food and keeping it in the 2 oz. baby cubes in the freezer. I can't wait! Oh, and to save money-- you know, because I'll be out of a job starting this month-- I'm also planning on using cloth diapers at home (disposable when we're out on a trip). That should save some serious cash... even if it is a bit yuckier!

Daddy Props

Today, I helped my mom with her yard sale, and Joel took care of Ethan for the morning. He's really such a great dad; he loves spending time with Ethan, and Ethan is constantly looking around for his daddy. He's enthralled by Joel's face, not that I'm surprised... it seems like everywhere we go, babies and little ones are always staring at him and smiling. It is one of the things that made me love him even more, actually; that these innocent creatures, so fresh and new in this world, could recognize that he is a good man and want to be near him was actually enchanting... what a cool way to find out someone is worth keeping around! ;)

Anyway, Joel loves being a dad. Yeah, sometimes it's a little frustrating, just like it is for me, but in general he enjoys the time they spend together. He seems to be so much more comfortable with Ethan now that he's interacting so much with us and with the world around him. One thing I also like about Joel is that he doesn't question or criticize me about my parenting skills or choices about Ethan. I need to learn this invaluable skill from him, because for some reason I keep looking over his shoulder and telling him what to do; talk about micromanaging, sheesh! That's a great way to make him unenthusiastic about taking care of the baby; I've really got to put a clamp on my tendencies to "supervise" when the baby is involved.

Two teeth, or not two teeth.... that is the question.

This week, Ethan's second tooth cut through, right next to his first one. He has been having such a rough time with this teething. Pobrecito! He's really excited about his pacificer now, as a chew toy, but prefers fingers if possible. Not that we want him in the habit of chewing on people to relieve his discomfort, but... you gotta do what you gotta do.

He also just started really, really, *really* getting how to roll over. He's done it by himself so many times now; we set him down on his back, turn around for a few seconds, turn back, and presto! He's on his tummy, arching his back and thrusting his legs up into the air. He even rolls consecutively, like he's trying to get across the room via rolling. Pretty cool! I guess it's time to babyproof the house, hmm?

Oh, and he's becoming much more skilled at using his hands and fingers to manipulate objects, pull things in towards his mouth, and play with toys. A couple of days ago, he was in the car, sitting in his carseat, and I reached in to give him his pacifier. He spit it out twice, so I just left it sitting on his lap and went around to drive over to a friend's house. He was so quiet on the way there that I thought he had fallen asleep. When I arrived, I went in to pick up his carseat and saw that he was still awake-- and had the pacifier in his mouth! Which means, of course, that he figured out how to pick it up, pull it to his mouth, and put it in the right way. All without accidentally dragging it back out (like he does sometimes) because his fingers get caught in the ring and he just yanks them back. Yay, Ethan! He's really figuring it out. He also tries to hold his bottle now, and tries to hold the spoon when I feed him his rice cereal.

Speaking of feeding, I can't WAIT until I can start making his food at home, rather than getting baby food from the store. It's great for convenience and travel and everything, but just like for me & Joel, I'm going to try to stick to home-made food as much as possible. Better for all of us, and especially since I'll be at home full-time.

Oh, did I forget to mention? I got my pink slip on Friday May 15th, so it looks like I'll be a stay-at-home mom until I find another job. I'd sooo much rather just be home with the baby and take care of our family, but it really depends on how things work out financially. Keep your fingers crossed. (Or we might be calling *you* and asking to move into your garage!)

Toof

Ethan's first tooth finally broke through his gums this weekend. And man-oh-boise, is it sharp! I read that for most babies, their teeth come in the same way, in order; bottom central incisors, top central incisors, and then out from there radiating towards the molars. For Ethan, his bottom teeth have been very visible in his gums for about a month now. It looks like the entire outline of his tooth underneath the surface of his gums, slightly swollen and red. Now that one tooth on the bottom is poking through, he is doing even more chewing and gnawing than usual-- and it feels like there might be some other teeth on top that are just about ready to cut through as well. Poor thing; it must be so uncomfortable! Especially because he is still pretty picky about the temperature of what goes in his mouth. He still wants his formula very warm (almost hot!), although we are trying to get him used to slightly cooler temperatures bit by bit. And when I try to give him cooled teething rings, or a cloth dipped in water and then frozen or even just refrigerated, he spits it out immediately. His favorite self-soothing technique seems to be chewing on fingers, although that can lead to bad habits (like biting!) later on, so I'm hoping we can find some other option for him soon...

Anyway, it's pretty awesome that his first tooth is finally through... we're on our way!

First Mother's Day

Last year at this time, I invited my family over for a special brunch to celebrate my mom. We had baked french toast, scrumptious bacon, scrambled eggs, sausage, fresh juice, and much more. It was an awesome feast. After eating, we gathered to share gifts with my mom, and thank her for everything. My gift to her was a photo of an ultrasound picture, and a bib that said "I love Grandma"-- my way of announcing that I was six weeks pregnant. She cried, I cried, we videotaped it. It was a very special, emotional day.

This year, Mother's Day was a little bit different. I have waited for this day for a long, long time. And while it wasn't everything I was dreaming of, in terms of celebration or "special" time, it was good for my soul. In the morning, Joel & I dropped off the baby for grandparent-time and went over to grab more stuff from my parents' Las Flores house... we made a delicious lunch (stromboli & salad) and spent time just hanging out with grammy & papa... we shopped for some crucial baby gear (sunglasses, floppy hat, sunscreen)... and we went for a Baby Bjorn walk in the evening, just the three of us. All in all, it was a fairly quiet day. Nothing to differentiate it from any other Sunday lunch with the family, except one small, perfect, amazing change: This time, I'm a mom. And I always will be. And that one thing is enough to change everything, and make what could be a mundane event into something unforgettable. Happy Mother's Day, to me. :)

Friendship: Proof.

We're saved, for now. My dear friend Veena's daughter has agreed to watch Ethan during the day for us while she is on break from Modesto Junior College this month. When she starts back up again in June, we'll have to figure out how to work around her schedule until the 19th, but at least we have May taken care of... thank god! What a blessing. Not only is it one-on-one, but it's someone we know and care about and who will care for our son with all of her heart. And the great thing is, Regita will have some extra support there as well; she'll have her dad in the house until around lunch-time, and then her mom is home by around 3:00, so she has other people to help out when things get a little overwhelming. This is such a great help for us. Now I've got to figure out a way to say "thank you" properly... let the brainstorming begin!

The Universe decides it's time for a change...

Nina called this evening. She won't be able to take care of Ethan anymore... starting tomorrow (Monday). They want her on day shift instead of evenings. NOOOO!!!! We've really loved having him with Nina, and I'm totally dreading having to start looking for somewhere else. I can't even express how disappointed and upset I am about this. She was so great for us, and for Ethan; she really cared about him. And not only that, but we could actually afford to pay for care when he was with her. And then, add to that the fact that we got less than 24 hours notice that we wouldn't have daycare for the next day, and you have a less than stellar Sunday evening on your hands. Ugh to the nth degree.

After a lot of discussion about it, we finally decided that Joel will stay home with Ethan until we can figure something else out. I just don't think we can afford to pay for yet another daycare registration fee + the $250/week, and then still have to worry about what's happening while he's at the center all day long. It was so nice to have one-on-one daycare for him; it made it possible for me to actually go in to work without being in constant pain and completely distracted the whole time worrying about him. Now, what do we do? Lose all of Joel's income, I guess. It's just ridiculous. It's like someone doesn't want us to succeed, or something; once we start getting somewhere happy and safe and okay, everything goes haywire and we have to re-balance, adjust, and try to put the pieces back together. Can't things just work out, for once? Please?!??!

Premature balding

He's losing his hair! My son is going bald, at age 4.5 months. Sheesh, who knew it would kick in so early? :)

In other news, his neck is getting much stronger, he's starting to interact a whole lot more, and he's still sleeping through the night. Woo-hoo! He also (bum-bum-bum!) just started to eat rice cereal. And he loves it. For awhile now he has been staring at us while we ate, fixating on our mouths and the food and the whole process, and at his last doctor visit they said to go ahead and get him started on solids. He's really on his way now!

Growing

Ethan just had his 4-month well baby check-up and immunization appointment at Valley Oak Pediatrics, but this time Joel had take him. Ha ha! YOU are the one who has to listen to his cries of pain and discomfort, dad!! Anyway... the doctor said that Ethan is doing great, and is in fact at the top of the range for babies his age in both his height and weight. He is 25.5 inches long and 15 lbs, 10 oz. That means that in two weeks he gained half an inch and at least half a pound. Yowza! And let me tell ya, you can really start to feel the heavier weight when you carry that carseat around. I feel like my arm is going to fall off!

It is really neat to see him grow up, though. I love it! His expressions, his smiles, his obvious joy... even when he cries, it's cute! Well, that is, it's cute unless he is in actual pain, which is when it is less cute than scary and upsetting. Sometimes he just has an entire day of fussiness, and seems inconsolable. We put him down, he cries. We pick him up, he cries. We hold him, play with him, let him sleep, let him sit, and guess what? He cries. Ack!

Scratch that itch

We may have had a breakthrough... Ethan has slept through the past three nights without waking up to eat in the middle of the night. For the past two months or so he has been on a fairly regular schedule-- goes to sleep for the night between 7:30 and 8:30, wakes up to eat at around 2:30, and then sleeps again until around 6:00. That wasn't so bad-- only getting up once a night-- but sleeping all the way through is even better!

We're so excited about the way he is growing. We already have him in the 6-9 month clothing, because he's just too long for anything smaller. He's holding his head up well enough that we finally turned him around to sit in the Bjorn carrier facing frontwards, and he absolutely loved it. That way he can look around and check out the scenery while we walk, and he seems to really enjoy that. He's making "ah-goo" sounds, and razzberries, and likes to blow bubbles in his own drool... lovely. :) He has his on and off fussy periods, probably connected to the fact that his gums are sore and a bit swollen. Usually, though, he's a happy kid, and we're all having a great time with him.

He might have some excema on his right cheek. He rubs it bright red all the time, but it's also quite rough/chafed looking, and the R.N. we took him to thinks it might be excema. So we're starting him on some intensive moisturizers, and hopefully they start relieving the discomfort for him. He also keeps getting cradle cap, where the top of his scalp gets super-dry and flaky. I know it must be so uncomfortable and itchy, because he has started actually scratching his head-- and it's the cutest thing ever! Usually, when you scratch an itch, your fingers are pretty much closed, and you either move your whole arm (as if you're holding a back scratcher) or you just move your fingers together, side by side. Ethan, because he's still figuring out how his hands and fingers work, has his own way of doing things. He spreads his fingers out like a starfish, and then his scratch brings them together towards the middle of his palm. It's so adorable... sad that he feels itchy, but so cute to watch him reach up there and do this weird-looking scratching motion. Tee-hee! :)

And he's been doing so well with Nina. She has been a lifesaver for us; the only reason I can even go into work right now is because I know he is with her and she is taking such good care of him. She already loves him, and even tells me that she misses him when he's gone. I'm so lucky to find such a loving and caring woman to take care of my son while I'm working. What a blessing!

Four Months and Counting!

I took Ethan to a new doctor's office yesterday-- Valley Oak Pediatrics-- and loved it. They have 13 providers in the building, and are open every day of the year. They even have evening/urgent care hours from 5-7 Monday through Friday. How cool is that? His former pediatrician was open 8:30-12 and 1-4:00 Mon-Fri; not very flexible hours. And the real problem was that I just didn't feel any connection to his doctor *at all.* She seemed so cold, distant, uninterested in him or us, and that isn't what I wanted from my baby's doctor. I have friends whose children still want to go to their doctor even past their teenage years, because they have built such a close relationship with them-- that's the kind of connection I want for Ethan.

So, the results are in: Ethan is doing GREAT!! At four months old, he weighs in at 15 lbs. and measures 25 inches long. That means he has doubled his weight and gained half a foot in length since he was born. How awesome is that? For a baby who took sooo long to regain his birth weight, and who had such a difficult time learning how to eat, he has made amazing strides.

And I think that the time has come for a major step forward for me: I am finally ready to give up the charts and schedules, and just let things be. It's time for Ethan to just be a baby, and for me to just be a mom, and for both of us (all three of us, including Joel) to just enjoy this adventure for what it is. He's healthy, and happy, and progressing so well, that there is no reason to keep worrying about things so much. I threw away the schedules last night, and what a relief it was! I thought I would really feel anxious about not being able to track his food/diapers/sleeping, but no such thing. It was like a weight off of my shoulders to let go of that and just enjoy him instead of constantly watching what he's eating and making sure he finishes bottles and so on. Schedules were necessary in the beginning to make sure he was eating enough and not sleeping all the time (which is what he *wanted* to do), but they have served their purpose, and it's time to let them go. Hallelujah!

Melanie-cholia

It's amazing how much has changed in the past few months since Ethan was born. We just went over to visit Joel's nephew and his brand-new baby boy, and it feels like Ethan was just that size yesterday. I remember when he was so tiny and fragile and light in our arms, and felt like a little doll... now, of course, he's getting bigger and longer every day, and has these great chubby arms and legs that he loves to windmill and kick and play with. I remember when I used to fit him inside my shirt to hold him close to me, skin-to-skin, when he was only a few days old. And now he's already working on keeping his head up and looking around, making "goo" sounds and cooing and blowing bubbles, even reaching out to grab things (kind of) and sucking on his fingers. It's awesome to see him change and grow so much in such a short time. The other day I looked at him and suddenly had a vision of him as a man, and my eyes welled up with tears for a moment. I already know that when he does get to be that age, it'll still feel like all of this just happened, and I'll wonder how the time flew by so quickly...

It's the same way I feel when I see my niece, Leila. I was there when she was born, and when I see her today, at the cusp of 11 years old, I see her throughout her life--giggling 5-year-old, crawling toddler, sitting on my lap or singing or sucking her middle two finers, all of those moments and memories just sort of wash over me when we hang out. And here she is, almost a 6th grader, starting to talk about what it will be like when she has to attend classes in the high school area next year. How did this happen, so quickly?! That's my niece, my little girl, my "favorite"... I think having known & loved (and still loving, of course!) Leila is what lets me love Ethan so much. It's like she stretched out my heart a little bit and made it that much bigger, stronger, more open. I'm glad I got 10 years with Leila before Ethan came along, because it was nice to be able to focus on her while she was small. Now, of course, we have a different relationship-- and one where I see her less, too, unfortunately. But at least she is still in my life. And now she will be able to get to know Ethan from babyhood, while I get to know her through her adolescence and beyond. The great adventure awaits!

T to the Eef

Oh my goodness! I think we might have figured out why Ethan has been so fussy lately. He finally discovered his mouth, and has been extra involved with it lately-- shoving his fists in his mouth, chewing on his fingers, gnawing on the bottle, drooling, and that type of thing. Add to that the fact that he hasn't been eating very well, that he has been more fussy than usual, and that he's been running a low fever (under 101), and it all adds up to teething. But isn't it too early? He's only 3 and a half months old! Still... I was rubbing his gums today and felt a suspicious scratchy part on his lower gum line; I looked inside and saw two white dots. His teef!! I'll check with his doctor when we go on the 20th, but I'm pretty sure he's just dealing with the beginning stages of teething. Pobrecito!

Tumbleweed

Ethan rolled over today!!! Well, it wasn't a complete 360 or anything, but it was awesome! He was propped up for some tummy time this morning, resting on his elbows/forearms, and apparently decided he'd had enough. He sort of "threw" himself over to his right side and then finished the roll onto his back. Ta-da! How cool is that? I, of course, set him back up on his arms/tummy to see if he could do it again. And he did! But only a couple more times before he got sick of me playing with him like that. (Tee-hee!) Anyway, a cool milestone to see...

He's really coming along, developmentally speaking. I think it all started to kick into high gear when we got him out of regular daycare and into Nina's home, where he gets one-on-one attention and she doesn't leave him sleeping in his crib all day long. Right now, he's three and a half months old, and in the past few weeks has changed so much. He can hold his head up so much better now, and I think he might even be ready to move into the forward-facing position on the Baby Bjorn. We'll try it out this weekend and see how he does... He's also starting to do a lot of leg exercises, "standing" up and pushing against my legs or the floor (or my stomach, sometimes!) whenever he gets a chance. I also noticed just this week that he seemed to be scooching himself along on his tummy-time mat, inching forward just a bit at a time... so it looks like crawling (or at least "worming") is not too far in the future. Yay!

Other than still dealing with his congestion and coughing, he is doing just great. He's such a happy boy, and usually very laid-back; unless you (ahem, Joel) happen to sneeze loudly near him, that is, which is when you see his lovely startle reflex kick in. I should really videotape that sometime... classic.

Auntie Nina Saves the Day

Let's get the bad news out of the way first: Ethan is sick again. :(

It's so hard to listen to him breathe so noisily, cough so often, and sleep so fitfully... it breaks my heart! The past few nights I have gotten up with him at his usual 2 a.m. feeding, and then spent the rest of the night/morning with him sleeping on my chest, semi-upright, so that he could breathe easier. I may not have gotten much sleep, but at least he did!

Now for the good news: We have finally found a new "Auntie" for Ethan, someone who can take care of him one-on-one and love on him just like we would-- well, almost just like we would. :) Her name is Nina, and she is related to our friends Veena & Raj. She is so awesome! We took him out of Childtime day care, partially because it was so expensive (almost $1000/month!!), and partially because they just weren't taking care of him like we thought they should. For instance, on a typical day Joel drops Ethan off by 9:30. He fed him last at 8:00 a.m. Well, Childtime lets Ethan sleep from 9:40 until 12:40-- 3 hours straight-- and then doesn't feed him until 1:00 p.m., which is *5 HOURS* after he ate last! Hellooo, he is only 3 months old (barely), he should be eating every 3 hours right now. In fact, their own guidelines say that infants need to eat at a minimum every 4 hours. What the heck, then?! I think they were just so happy to have him there because he slept all day long, which meant less work for them! I brought up my concerns multiple times, but they never really changed anything, even when he was sick and only eating 1-2 oz. per feeding.

I'm so glad we have him with Nina now; she really cares about him already, and has a lot of experience with babies. I feel really comfortable with her, and know that he is as safe as can be over there. *Now* all I have to do is try to stop being jealous that she gets to spend time with him instead of me! /:)

The Best Medicine

We took Ethan over to my parents' house tonight, and he laughed out loud! Well, chuckled, I guess; either way, it was more than his usual smile/silent laugh and more than a coo, so I'm calling it a laugh! It was so awesome. He is really getting much more interactive now. Joel plays with him all the time. I think he's starting to get more interested in Ethan now that he's responding to us and recognizing our faces and actually playing, rather than just laying back, eating his formula, and passing out. It's very sweet, actually, to see them together... :)

More "Baby Stuff Love/Hate/Want List"

I'm actually glad we're marking down all of the baby items that work for us. Even if we don't use this list again, we can share it with friends or use it as a guide when shopping for the next baby shower. Considering that three couples we know just got married last summer, I'm expecting some of them to be "expecting" sooner rather than later, so this will come in handy!

Baby Bjorn Baby Carrier + Cover: (more details)
This is AWESOME. We tried the Infantino front baby carrier, but it had two major problems: (1) almost impossible to get the baby into/out of it; it always took two people, plus several minutes of contortions and wrangling, to enter/exit the thing, and by then the baby was upset (along with mom & dad!); (2) it held the baby too loosely, so that he flopped all around unless we were holding him with one arm-- kind of defeating the purpose, when you think about it. The Baby Bjorn, on the other hand, is super-simple to use. Once you get the straps on, you just hold baby against your chest, slide a tube into a slot & snap a button on each side, and boom! You're in. Getting the baby out is even easier, and you can do it while he's asleep without waking him. Perfecto! We use it all the time, even while working in the yard or around the house, and he loves it. We couldn't get one right away because he had to be 8 pounds before fitting into it, but he's perfect for it now. We can't wait to be able to turn it around later and let him see the world on our walks! :)

Sleep positioners:
We started to use these because Ethan got sick at around 8 weeks old, and we wanted him to be elevated without having to worry about him sliding over to the side of the crib (which he kept doing). Unfortunately, the positioners have been a pain in the tookis since day 1. The first one we bought ($25) worked okay at first, but (a) the velcro-mesh "bumpers" that are supposed to keep him positioned correctly are somewhat loosely covered and so they are easy to push out of the way, negating their purpose, and (b) the baby finds it very easy to scooch down the "ramp" and end up with his head between the two positioner-bumpers, which freaks me out a little bit. Because of those issues, we bought a second positioner ($36) that had more of a cradling shape, and was moldable to his body. The first night we used it, he went to bed at 9:30 or so, and at around 12:30 I heard him making some grunting noises and went to check on him. He had somehow rolled entirely out of the positioner and was on his side with his face completely pressed against the bumper. ACK!!! I almost had a heart attack, I tell you. What if we hadn't heard him and he had stayed against the bumper even longer?!? Anyway-- no more positioner, and no more bumper. I'm thinking about getting the Breathable Baby mesh bumper, which lets them get air even if their face does end up pressed against the bumper.

Baby Trend "Gabriella" Close-Sleeper 6-in-1 Nursery Center, with Bassinet, Changing Station, Play Yard, Co-Sleeper, Comfort Seat, Music & Vibration Station:
I SOOO wish we could have gotten this one right from the start. We just saw it in Babies R Us today, and I was so disappointed that we hadn't found it earlier and gotten one for Ethan. It is a bit more than the usual pack-n-play type play yard; it has the typical features from most others play yards, like a changing station that flips out of the way; a bassinet in the upper layer that can be removed later when you want to use the bottom portion only as a playpen; and a feature that has music, vibrations, and I think also a mobile to keep baby soothed or entertained while he's in there. But the feature that it has that I have never seen before is a removable section that becomes a "close-sleeper" and puts him right up next to the bed. The usual co-sleeper or bassinet is a bit annoying because it is deeper and it's a bit awkward to reach in there in the middle of the night to soothe the baby. This close-sleeper thing puts him much higher so that you can reach him easier, and also can be removed later for use as a baby-sized couch/"comfort seat". All in all, I wish we'd had it about 3 months earlier, so he could have slept in the room with us this whole time, and then we'd also have the bottom section as a playpen now. The bassinet/changing station/close-sleeper are only good for up to 15 pounds, so buying it now would be a waste of money when we can get just a regular pack-n-play for much less. Bummer. Next time, though! :)

Insurance Woes...

I'm so frustrated right now. We didn't add Ethan to my work insurance because it would have cost $375 a month to do so. But when we started the private insurance through Anthem Blue Cross at $75/month, we didn't realize we'd be paying $100 per doctor visit. Did I mention we've had three doctor visits so far this past month, because Ethan had his 2-month visit and then two more because he was sick? That would be $300, just in co-pays. Then, this same week I also found out that my insurance won't cover Ethan's circumcision (which runs approximately $420 or so, by itself) and first well-baby visit (not sure how much that costs).

Why, you ask? Oh, because I didn't read the fine print on the insurance documents and choose a pediatrician from within the Sutter Gould building on Coffee. I thought, quite mistakenly, that I could just go with any doctor who is listed on PacifiCare's website as a valid participant in the network. And I wanted to choose a doctor who was *also* listed on the Anthem Blue Cross network, so that he would have the same doctor from the beginning. WRONG!! Now, they say they won't cover it, which means I'm in the whole approximately $720 so far-- and that's not including the co-pay for the emergency room visit that we had a week ago. I really can't believe that things are going so sideways financially right now... am I going to have to start selling off furniture to pay the doctor bills? What kind of world are we living in?!?

Once I lose my job, we can apply for Kaiser's "money-saver" child-only plan, which would run us only $14/month. How awesome is that? Until then, I can either not take Ethan to the doctor ever again, or switch his insurance to Kaiser's regular plan... which runs about $200/month. Still, $200 a month and a $25 co-pay is better than what we've got going on right now! Oy...

Using the right tools makes all the difference... with babies.

At three months old, Ethan has finally started to be really responsive to us, and we are loving it. He smiles so much, even though he's still sick, and he even silently laughs sometimes. Especially when he's sleeping... I wonder what hilarious things he's dreaming of...

Boppy + Floor Mat:

We've been working with him a lot on his neck strength, and the Boppy pillow definitely helps with that. We put him on his stomach inside the curve of the Boppy, prop his arms up under his chest/hands under his head, and he tries to push up and lift his head. The Boppy is also a lot firmer and feels better when feeding him; with the other nursing pillow, I had to hold his head up with one hand to get him elevated/tilted enough to drink. The Boppy lets me hold him in the crook of my elbow because it keeps him up high enough to feed without being too far away from me or too flat.


We got the floor mat for him to play on as well, and he's starting to show that he is making some connections. As in, when his arm connects with a hanging rattle, and it makes sounds, he is starting to get that *he* made that happen. After a few times of randomly or accidentally hitting the rattle, he'll start purposely waving his arm into the toy to hear it shake. Woo-hoo! I can practically see his little synapses firing... He also loves the little dangling lion that plays these adorable tunes. Joel wants to make a recording and loop it so that we can have it whenever we want it, even if the batteries go out. Personally, I think he just likes to tinker with gadgets. :)

Another couple of things we love are the zippered footy-sleepers from Target and Wal-Mart (I think they're called "First Years" and "Circo"). They are a definite lifesaver when you have a diaper change in the middle of the night and don't want to be unsnapping both legs of his outfit.

We also love the Baby Bjorn we just got.

It's SOOOO easy to use! We sometimes use it to carry Ethan around the house while he's sickie and a little fussy lately, because he likes to be held right now more than usual. Joel even used it the other day when I was working and he took Ethan to Office Depot. He said that it really made him feel like a dad. I think he likes it much better than pushing a stroller around, for sure. And the nice thing about the Bjorn is the way it redistributes the weight across your back... so comfortable! I'm glad we splurged on it, because the Infantino carrier was just not cutting it.