Conflicted...

I'm really torn right now. In the past week I've interviewed for three very different jobs, with three different work schedules and very different pay scales. The first job is a Human Resources position in Stockton, the hours are from 6-3, and it pays about $18/hr. That would give me, if I'm doing my calculations correctly, just about enough to pay our bills without Joel having to work full-time while he's going to school full-time. The second job is an administrative assistant position and starts at $16, but I would try to negotiate up to $18 (their maximum starting pay for outside applicants) if I were offered the job. The hours on that one are from 8-5 p.m., and it's here in Modesto. Both of those jobs are different from what I was doing before because they are office-based and have none of the social work type duties that were making me feel so drained at my previous job.

The third job opportunity is the one that is causing me the most internal conflict. It pays the most ($42,000/year), has the least work days (187 days, as opposed to around 245 with a regular job), and is the one I'm most familiar with in terms of job duties. However, during the interview I found out that it also has the worst hours-- I'm expected to be at work from 9:30 to 6:30/7:00 every day, plus some early mornings every month for different school site meetings and late nights every month for school events, not to mention those days that students' parents are late picking them up, and so on. In the first place, day care closes at 6:30, which means I would have to make special arrangements to be there late every day. Then, Joel is in Stockton every day from 5:00 on, so if I'm going to be even later, or if there's an emergency, there is nobody around to pick up Ethan from day care. Add to that the fact that Ethan typically goes to bed at around 7:45/8:00, and it turns into a week where I only see my son for about an hour a day until the weekend. They also have the worst benefits package, which takes a huge chunk out of your paycheck every month; there's no way I could even add Ethan on to my insurance, for instance, and Joel would be out of luck for health benefits. I just don't know how that job would work out, considering everything, and it's really causing me some serious turmoil just thinking about it.



I wish I didn't have to be the only income here, and the whole conflict would be moot. If we had two incomes, I wouldn't have to sacrifice pretty much all of my weekday time with my child just to bring in enough to pay our bills by myself. I wish that we could have figured out a few years ago what we needed to do to get on track, and then pursued that before Ethan came along, so that we could have had everything where we need it to be career-wise and financially by now. I really hope with all my heart that I receive a job offer from one of the first two companies, so that I won't need to even worry about the third one any more. But, today has begun with blue skies and brightness, so I'm going to shelve my worries for a few hours and take my son out into the world, spend time with him, and enjoy our last few days at home together before I re-enter the workforce. Time to go hold on to him and squeeze out some giggles.