Date Night

Had a great date with Joel on Saturday... ended somewhat poorly, but the lead-up was awesome! We had planned to go out with a friend, but that was cancelled due to a sick child (oh, the fate of mothers everywhere). Instead, we left Ethan at their house and went out by ourselves to San Francisco for a free night at Ruby Skye. The music was pretty awesome. MindControl, a duo from New York, was there, and they were really putting on a good show. We had so much fun, danced up a storm, and looked-- if I do say so myself-- frickin' awesome. Unfortunately, we overdid the beverage portion of the evening and ended up cutting it short; and by short, I mean that later on I checked our parking stub and noticed that we cut out at 12:28 p.m. WHAT?!? That is barely the beginning of the night! The evening only got worse from there on out, not that I remember much of it; there was some parking, and some nausea, and then some incidents I'd rather not speak of, and then some more that I don't recall with too much clarity. I do remember a couple of snippets of conversation; things like "I'm so sorry" and "Yeah, it does smell kinda rough" stand out in my mind, but the rest is more of a hazy blur. Just goes to show ya: You are never too old to make a fool of yourself or take things past the limit. Yay us? Not really. I'd rather we had slowed down and taken advantage of our somewhat rare night off together, instead of blowing it by getting silly-sick (me) and super-tired of being a caretaker (him). Next time, folks, it'll be different... right?

But Why Change Yourself?

A dear friend posted a comment about my last blog, wherein I state that I've got one foot on the path towards plastic surgery, and can't wait to start kicking my heels down the road. She was questioning what I want to get done, and (I assume) why. Well, I started to respond via comments and then realized that my comment was turning into a post, so here is my response. Hope that it clears things up a bit...

I've wanted changes in my appearance for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's low self-esteem, or maybe it's responding to the blatant and abusive manipulation of the media, but I've never been entirely pleased with my appearance. The part that used to make me the least happy was related to the hair factor; I have always struggled with having too much in too many places, and being acutely conscious of it. I spent my teenage years (and early 20's, actually) with caterpillars crawling over my eyes, shag carpeting on my arms, and legs that felt like sandpaper mere hours after I'd shaved. My young niece used to refuse to sit in my lap if I had shorts on, because it scratched her skin too much. It was pretty bad, and I did whatever I could to remedy the problem. I've bleached, tweezed, used depilatory creams, been threaded, gone to electrolysis, and finally had laser hair removal. The last was of course the most effective, especially because I'm pretty pale and have very dark hair, which makes the laser treatment much more effective. (I guess this is where I'm supposed to be glad I'm not very tan?? Hmm...) Anyway, hair was my main focus back then, and I still haven't gotten to the point where I'd like to be in terms of reducing the type/amount in various places. But what I did at least helped things get to a more manageable and less noticeable state.

As for the rest of my body, I do believe in exercise and diet to keep things where they need to be-- but that won't fix certain areas. I've always felt that I have a sort of "questionable" femininity; partly because of the hair issue, partly because I feel that my facial features can really appear so harsh at times (they're just so pronounced, you know? chin, cheekbones, etc., so angled and sharp)... and partly because I am just slightly less than voluptuous. During and after the pregnancy, of course, those "womanly attributes" went through some major changes, and that just adds to this overall sense of feeling un-sexy, un-feminine, and unhappy. I never thought I'd have the nerve to actually pursue something like surgery, because I'm so afraid of the reactions other people will have. At this point, though, I'm finally ready. I want this for me; for my own sense of womanliness; for my own sense of beauty; for self-satisfaction; and for fun. And seeing as how it isn't going to hurt anyone, why not? I'm going for it, and I guess I'll just have to deal with the reactions-- good or bad-- as they come.

So, wish me luck. This is my last week as I am; starting Friday, I will begin the process of getting used to the new me. And I can't wait!

Second... and Third... Opinions

I just went to my third consultation with a plastic surgeon this month. And let me tell you, it was a revelation. The first consult was great-- the doctor was knowledgeable, personable, friendly, informative, kind, and very very nice. It was a great experience. I was ready to sign on for whatever was recommended; my husband, not so much. It was a cost issue more than anything else, so we decided to get a few other consultations to get a better idea of what was out there and what we could get for what we had to give. The second appointment was the complete opposite of the first. The doctor was brusque, even rude at times, and was often physically rough during the "examination" portion of the appointment. I knew from going through the first meeting that things didn't need to be quite that invasive, and at times I even wondered if the doctor was getting some sort of twisted kicks out of being so aggressive with my body. Seriously; I even felt slightly bruised later, as if I'd been wrestling very forcefully or playing rugby, or something like that. After the 2nd appointment, I thought to myself: If the doctor is this rough during *consult*, what will it be like during surgery? Sheesh! I talked it over with Joel and we both decided that the $2500 difference-- although quite a huge difference, financially speaking-- just wasn't worth it.

So I checked the internet again for references, reviews, and recommendations, and found doctor number three. Would this be The One? Would things finally come together? Would we be able to make up our minds, once and for all, about whether or not this was the choice for us?

Apparently, yes. It was an awesome appointment! So great, in fact, that I set up a meeting for the very next day (Friday) to meet with the doctor again-- for a pre-op appointment. EEEK!!!!! This might seriously be happening, and SOON! I'm so excited, yet scared, about the whole thing. Am I being short-sighted? Am I being selfish with money that should, in reality, be spent/saved for our entire family? Am I being vain, and shallow, and egotistical? All these, and many other questions, have been roaming through my mind all afternoon and evening. My husband supports me, but still I wonder; is this something I really deserve? I just feel like I would be so much happier with this change... no matter what I have to go through. And you know what? I think I'm just going to go for it. Strike while the iron is hot, right? Okay, fine-- here goes nothing!

Fashion Inspiration for BMan'10

Amber Valletta as Angie in Gamer... this is the outfit she wore during most of the movie, and I think it is absolutely perfect for Burning Man. She is also wearing pale pink, calf-high, vinyl platform/raver boots with white knee-high white socks that have three red stripes around the top. I'm going to attempt to replicate it as closely as possible; the eBay search has begun!


Here she is again in another Angie costume; love the ice blue wig and the one opera glove. So classy in her lingerie ;)


I have also been wildly inspired by Lady Gaga's costumes in her Bad Romance video... Here is an overview put together by one of her New Zealand fansites:


But my all-time favorite was the red number she put on towards the end of the video... rroowwrrr!! Definitely want to see what I can do to create this look without spending thousands of dollars on couture lingerie. PS-- It looks much better in the video, where you can see it clearly (this image is blurry, but you get the general idea.)


ANYWAY-- Now that I have some inspiration, it's on to nurture and creation. Let the games begin!

Sew Many Projects, Sew Little Time

Preparing for Burning Man is something I seriously enjoy. I love getting the fabrics together, choosing crazy outfits, and figuring out how to funkify the clothes I already have dedicated to BMan (stuff that's stained or torn or no longer fits, and isn't suitable for donation). I'm on the hunt for ideas and patterns right now, though I already have in mind some specific pieces I want. Last year, I made some boot covers, a shrug or two, a skirt, and modified a couple of shirts to be more Playa-friendly.

This year, I want to make my existing boot covers a little more splashy and a little more furry, a la

These are from OsiVinylDoll's shop on etsy.com, and she has a bunch of other great cyber/rave outfits and extras.

I also want to try to make Joel some thin, "genie" style pants that he can wear during the day to keep out the heat and dust but still cover him up a bit; he's not quite ready for the Tarzan flap some guys were wearing out there. I also want to make him some more vests, his few from last year are pretty beat at this point. I'll be trying to make a couple of different faux-fur hats for our noggins, too, because right now we only have one and neither one of us wants to go sans chapeau.

Another thing I want to try making is a tutu, similar to the one below:

... except that I would be the one making it, rather than spending oodles of cash buying one. Although the one above by mtcoffinz called Neon Kawaii Trashy Tutu is pretty stinkin' awesome.

There's a free pattern for a no-sew version at this site, though I will probably stitch the elastic rather than using a stapler, and probably also cover it with cloth as well so that it doesn't get too scratchy on the tender tummy skin. Anyway, I'll definitely keep updating with pics of my projects. Maybe I should do before and after photos, showing my progress from start (pieces of fabric and miscellaneous gear) to finish (fabulous outfits that should probably be sold for ungodly amounts of cash)... we'll see.

Not Playing Around... Yet

I so badly want to enroll Ethan in toddler-oriented classes, somewhere he can interact with other kids and at the same time build his developmental skills in a fun environment. I searched around (thank you, Internet) and found Gymboree-- and it sounds like exactly what I want. They have a variety of classes for young children from birth to five years old, and the topics range from art to music to active physical play. It just seems so awesome; the equipment they have is perfect for kids, with tunnels and bridges and soft mats to land on, and lots of other developmentally appropriate toys.


The parents whose kids attend seem to love it, and comment that their kids are still excited and interested even after going for a year or more. I would dearly love to enroll Ethan, if only there was a Gymboree nearby. Unfortunately, the nearest one is in Stockton, about 30 miles away. I can't see driving 45 minutes to a 45-minute class, then driving all the way back afterwards. It's not like Stockton outnumbers Modesto's population by two or three times; they are at around 290,000 and we are at 211,000, as of last year. So what is the difference? Why do they rate a Gymboree activity center, while we don't?

I suppose the easiest answer is that someone up there decided to open up a franchise, and no one down here is savvy enough (or financially able, I guess) to do the same. Personally, I think that would be such a brilliant investment. If I had the opportunity, I would definitely do it. Thinking of how many young families are here, and how little there is in town for their kids to do, it seems clear that a Gymboree would be a huge hit. I have had a really hard time finding a mom's group to join, or fun things for me and the baby to do together, and I know that many other parents are in the same position. And it wouldn't only serve Modesto, either, but all of our outlying towns-- Salida, Ceres, Riverbank, even Oakdale and Turlock parents would probably love to get in on the action. Hopefully someone with a little ambition and secure financial backing can get this going soon, because I would sign up in a heartbeat!

Shut Up. Seriously.

Wow, it sucks to realize that people think you talk too much. Especially when you have a really hard time figuring out how to stop yourself in the future. Do I become one of those people who just sits and nods politely, smiling at all the right moments but not really contributing much more than a "That's nice" or "Oh, really?" to the conversation? Or is it more that my talkativeness is appreciated, but only in strictly measured doses? And should I care enough to change?

Allow me a moment or two to heave a big sigh...

I wish I were more zen about things, instead of so sensitive that I feel like leaving society altogether and joining a convent every time someone criticizes me. When will I finally develop that thick skin I've coveted since my childhood? Hopefully I can learn sooner rather than later to let things flow off my back. Until then, I guess it's time to sit back and take a moment to reflect on how to be at one with stillness, as in this print.



Yeah, I know, good luck with that.

Desire

Why do we want things we know we can't have? Is it a human failing, this desire without any basis in reality? Sometimes I wish I could turn it off, or ignore it, or be more powerful than my own wants. But I guess that's why we have yogis and preachers and higher powers; someone or something to help us strive towards a goal-- the lofty and often unreachable goal of being better than our baser selves. If it was easy, though, I'm assuming that would defeat the purpose, or something. Well, then, fine; bring it on, life, I guess I'll just have to do better.

Shouldering the Burden: Rotate That Cuff!

Being without insurance, this is what some might call the worst possible time to have an injury. But why let that stop you, right? I like to keep things hopping around here, and what better way than to injure myself somehow? Well, life can't be too easy, that would just be boring.

Anyway, the thing is that I've been having increasingly severe shoulder pain for the past couple of months, and lately it has gotten to the point where I am feeling at least an aching, dull pain throughout the day, with episodes of sharper, more excruciating pain with certain specific actions. Things like, oh, I don't know, lifting up my son, or reaching back to him when he's in his carseat, or even raising up my arm from my side. Sometimes even just the attempt to lift up my arm will leave me gasping. In fact, right now I'm having a hard time typing; looks like today is going to be one of the worse days. There are times when it feels like I have icy-hot on my shoulder; a sort of burning cold sensation, yet at the same time it feels bruised. I've been researching on the internet to see what this might be, and it looks like it could be a rotator cuff bursitis or tendinitis, or what they call "impingement syndrome." I'm going to start treating it myself this week, with all of their recommendations:
-- Ice for no more than 15 minutes
-- Rest the shoulder
-- Anti-inflammatory medicines (naproxin, ibuprofen)
-- Passive motion exercises (see articles below)

That is, I'll be treating myself until that blessed day when we are covered by health insurance again. One day...

Of all the websites I found, this one is probably my favorite. I like the way the author, Dr. Nicolas Campos, speaks in a very comfortable, casual vernacular that is easy to understand and even easier to relate to. He describes his own experiences with impingement syndrome and how he dealt with it, as well as the ways that he treats those injuries in his patients, which is nice because it shows that he knows this injury both personally and professionally. His website has a lot of excellent information about the anatomy of healthy and injured shoulders, great pictures and illustrations, and suggestions for treatment. Wish I could go visit his office down in L.A.!

The internet is obviously a treasure trove of informative articles about how to diagnose, treat, and recover from a shoulder injury related to impingement. You can check out the web pages at emedicinehealth and orthopedics.com for more information. I know I did. Let's hear it for self-diagnosis!

Pondering...

I'm not sure what to do. Be responsible, or just go for it? What a quandary... on the one hand, I should be cautious and carefully husband our meager resources until we're in a better, more stable position. On the other hand, I feel like if we wait utnil then, it will be too late-- and the moment for action will have passed. Not necessarily in terms of being able to do it financially or in other ways, but more likely I will have that much more time to convince myself that I'm just not worth it. There is always something more important that needs to be done, it seems. It's like buying myself clothes; I find it almost impossible to do so when I can think of a million other things to use the money for instead. Things like a new humidifier for Ethan's room, a side mirror for my car to replace the one that was broken several months ago, a savings account, health insurance, and so on and so forth. When you compare something you want to something you need, the right decision becomes much more obvious... just not as satisfying, for some reason.

Still, all that said, I just haven't made up my mind yet. I've always, or at least the vast majority of the time, made the choice that would be best rather than the one that I wanted the most. Even after getting the settlement money from my car accident so many years ago, I mostly did what I should have done... mostly. Paid off credit cards and bills, took care of some medical issues (eye surgery, etc.), purchased some furniture for the first time in my life, and even helped a few loved ones out. What I wanted to do but couldn't bring myself to do was take a few months off and travel around Europe. Instead, I bought a home-- and then ended up losing it in that tiny little housing fiasco you might have heard about recently. Should I have traveled instead? I might never have met my husband if I did. Or maybe he & I should have traveled together, instead of buying the house. Either way, you can't go back and re-do your life, so it's kind of a moot point.

But remembering how often I am responsible and "do the right thing" isn't really helping here, right now, when I am trying to decide what to do in this very moment. I guess I will sleep on it and hope for clarity... or hope to win the lottery, which would solve this dilemma in a heartbeat. Cross your fingers, and scratch me off a ticket!

Poem: Extrañar

I just got a comment on my blog from someone I don't know and didn't personally refer to the site. It is my first indication that someone out in the void is actually reading my words. I'm not sure if that makes me nervous, excited, or proud, or maybe a combination of all three. Either way, it felt pretty good! It's amazing how just seeing the words "1 Comment" can bring a smile to my face; am I too eager for acknowledgment, for an audience, for recognition? Or maybe I'm reading more into this than necessary, as usual. Forget it; I'm going to ignore my own proclivities towards self-doubt and just enjoy the moment.

On that note, here is a poem I wrote upon the dissolution of yet another relationship several years ago. Before I met my husband, of course. I seem to have my inspirational moments during periods of pain or suffering; perhaps I need to change that pattern so that I can write now, as well as when times are tough.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Extrañar: To find strange, to be surprised, to miss (someone)..."

in the space between loving and being loved
is a darkness more real to me than light
an absence more certain than the company of others
for you are gone,
your heart has fled mine
and will not return.

i suppose i shouldn't be surprised, this time,
but i am.
again.

te extraño
te extraño
¡te extraño!

it does not matter if i whisper it
or scream it from the doorway,
you will not hear me
you will not
and so it drones inside my head
for my ears alone

te extraño.

you have chosen another path,
to make sure you don't miss anything
before settling down.

strange, but i've been thinking lately
that the one thing i don't want to miss
is settling down,
settling into someone
curving my body around a lover
braiding my life into another's
building a future with a partner
beginning a story with the one
who will sit beside me at our ending, as well.

but i guess we're different, you and i
and so it goes
me, here
floating in this abyss
and yet... somewhere in the darkness
is the knowledge that one day
I WILL LOVE
and be loved in return,
passionately and with whole heart,
while you desperately fly from flower to flower
eager to sample as many as you can
before the sun goes down,
leaving you sated, for the moment,
and alone.

Job Worries...

I'm really nervous about this whole unemployment thing. I just got my last pay claim, and should be getting my last check this week-- that is, unless the EDD gets their stuff together and grants the automatic extension that should be coming my way. They sent out a notice saying that they had tens of thousands of errors and were trying to fix them, but that people who *didn't* receive their automatic first extension *should* be receiving it in enough time to not have a long time lag between checks. Since August, I've been receiving them every two weeks. As of now, I may be experiencing a bit of a lull... lull... lull... God willing, it's only a small gap, rather than the end of unemployment altogether. I really hadn't banked on (ha ha, pun intended, I guess) not having any more income. That would definitely put a bit of a crimp in my plans. You know, plans to pay rent and so on. /:)

To Try, or Not To Try... for Segundo

This is a big decision. We aren't planning on starting on an addition to our family until one of us gets a full-time job with benefits, but we'd both assumed that, once we got secure, we would go ahead and try for another bambino. The thing is, I'm hearing a lot of cautionary tales and questioning comments from people asking us if we're really sure, and I mean really, really sure, that we want another child. It wasn't really a question I'd seriously posed to myself; I just knew (know?) that I want more than one kid. I mean, if we'd met earlier and been able to start having children earlier in our lives, I'd probably want to go for three; at this point, though, I'm not willing to do more than one more pregnancy, because I'm not very thrilled about having babies after 40. That gives me about two more years, then, because at the end of this year I'll hit 38 and be qualified-- again-- as "advanced maternal age," lucky me.

The arguments people make include things like how much time we'd be able to give two kids, especially if both of us are working; how much money it costs to raise a child (especially meaningful when both of us are less than fully employed right now); how it will affect our lives as a couple; how it will affect us physically as we age with little ones; and so on. The thing is, most of the people who are offering up the "devil's advocate" position already had their kids a decade or more ago; they are our age, but parents of a ten or twelve year old. For them, I could see maybe not wanting to start all over with a newborn. For us, though, it's so recent that it's not a huge shift in perspective to think about having another baby. And we're already committed to raising Ethan, with all that goes along with that-- a change in how we take trips, or vacation, or go out on dates, or take on new jobs, and so on and so forth. We are already on that path; is it really that much harder to add another little one to the mix?

For now, I think we'll stick with the original idea, and start on our next bundle of joy as soon as we're able to... and I can't wait. How could I, after having such an awesome experience the first time? :)

Blank Check-- Literally.

I got my unemployment check and claim form in the mail today, as usual, and everything looked normal at first-- until I noticed that there was only one week open to record my job search efforts. The other week was marked out, so I read a little closer and the form said that I only have $450 left in my claim. So my next check, which should come in a couple of weeks, will be $450, and that's it. What happened to the extensions that everyone is talking about? What happened to Obama's plan to support those of us who are unemployed in states like California, with such high unemployment rates and no jobs to be found? I'm just a touch scared right now. I'll call on Monday to get more clarification before going into full panic mode, but this may be a very nerve-wracking weekend. Guess it's time to bust out the Chenin Blanc!

Radical Self-Change

It's funny how I can write such forward-thinking posts as the one just prior to this one, full of lofty goals for personal development, and then in the very next minute be thinking about how much better life would be with a little plastic surgery. Or a lot. Does that make me shallow? So be it, then, because I would *love* to get some serious work done. Call me vain, color me tainted by society's perfectionist expectations of women, whatever... I just want some things to make my life a little different. Will *not* doing those things save seventeen people from a life of servitude or hunger? Probably not. Will doing those things automatically make me happy and always a joy to be around? Again, probably not. But will I enjoy doing something for *me*, without first thinking about putting my own desires or needs aside for somebody else? Hell yes.

And guess what? It's gone beyond a consideration; I've actually got some names and numbers ready to be called tomorrow to set up a consultation or twelve. You may not see a supermodel emerge from this, but you very well may see a more confident woman freed from some minor superficial complaints. Happier, yes; perfect, not by a long shot. So go ahead and revile this course, if you will, or cheer from the sidelines; all I know is, I'm going for it full steam ahead! ("It" to be determined at some future date, depending on the costs of the various procedures I have in mind... bwahahahahahaha!!!)

R to the V

So, we might be in the process of becoming RV owners... woo-hoo! Yes, this is a recession; yes, we're pretty much broke; but we might be on our way to owning an RV anyway. Through a friend, we seem to have gotten a hook-up to an RV that needs some work, but just might come through as a great deal for our family. If it works out, we will now have something to take the baby camping in, something to go the Burning Man in, and-- worst case scenario, of course-- something to live in when all else fails. :) Here's an idea of what it looks like:



... except without the cool colors and the awning. Like I said, it needs some work. But we'll see if we can't make it into something that we can deal with and if not, we'll just sell it to some Burners who need a place to stay. I can deal with that! :)

Resolutions: 2010

This year, there will be some major changes in my life, I can feel it. In order to facilitate those changes, I'm going to have to make some definitive efforts to getting my self back on track, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've made some major decisions about the path I will be taking from here on out. Sure, I might stray a few times, but for the most part I plan on sticking to the plan. The plan is this: To become a calmer, happier, more positive person who is less reactive and more proactive; to continue learning about and encouraging my son's developmental progress; to become more physically fit and be active on a daily and weekly basis; to set aside time every day for spiritual learning and growth; and to work on developing my business so that I can be working with clients and turning a profit within two years (2012). In order to achieve those goals, I'm setting some smaller ones below. You can call them resolutions if you wish; I'm just recording them so that I don't forget where I started!

1) Physical activity: I will go the gym with Ethan a minimum of 3 times a week, for at least one hour. This will give him play time with other kids, and help me get back on track physically. I will also walk with Ethan to the park and play at least twice a week; depending on the weather, we may go to the Mall play area instead. I'm currently at 138 pounds; my goal for weight is 120-125. I'm also currently very stiff and inflexible; my goal for that is to do stretching daily and start up a yoga or pilates class at the gym to increase my flexibility.

2) Business goals: I will create a business plan that includes marketing strategies, contracts, equipment required, and so on-- the plan will be written by March 15th. More on that to follow; I still have to research exactly how to do this. :)

3) Spirituality: I will spend at least fifteen to thirty minutes daily on writing or reading for self-awareness. I will also attend a church service once per month until I find a church that speaks to me personally.

4) Parenting: I will implement some "schedules" around here. Things like routines for bedtime, bathtime, and playtime; routines for feeding/mealtime, and for brushing our teeth. Some traditions for our family would be nice, too; I'll do some more research on this and get back to it.

That's a good enough start for now. OH! One more, important thing: I will write in my blog at least five days per week, even if it's only a paragraph. :)

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

We did it! We put on our ugliest Christmas-themed sweaters and went out to a house party thrown by one of Joel's friends, and now hopefully one of mine. It was a ton of fun; we don't typically get to have a night out on the town, or even a night *in*, without the baby, so this was a very nice break. We dropped Ethan off with a sitter and headed over to check out some very chintzy sweaters, congratulate their owners, and have a few holiday beverages to put a nice spin on the evening. I finally got to meet Joel's friend JH, whom I'd heard so much about for so long... she was great! Tons of fun, very energetic and outgoing, an awesome hostesss, and witty on top of all that. She seems like she'd be so much fun to hang out with, so I hope we both make good on our promises to keep in touch and set a date to get together sometime. It's so easy to say it in the moment, but much more difficult to actually buckle down and make real plans. Maybe it'll be my resolution for next year...

Anyway, without further ado, here are our amazing Christmas sweaters. Joel's by the way, won first prize. Can't wait to try to win again next year!

The Milk Machine

This kid loves milk! Yes, it's true: Ethan finally made the switch over to whole milk and is no longer on formula. I just followed the pediatrician's advice and warmed the milk in the bottle so that it was served the same way he has his formula, and he loved it. Now that he has that part down, we're working on reducing the amount of milk he drinks each day to about 20-24 ounces, so that he'll start eating more food. So far, it's working pretty well; he actually is eating more now that he's not full from his liquid diet. Later on, we'll work on weaning him from the bottle. That's not
a huge priority for me at this point, or at least not as important as the food issue.

He just seems to have these weird eating quirks that make it a tad difficult to know what and how to feed him. He is definitely interested in feeding himself, with no help from mom, thanks. Sometimes it works, sometimes it just ends up a game for him, but I know this is a stage we have to get through on the path towards independent eating, so we just keep forging ahead. He's eating a lot of different fruits, and even some vegetables, but he's not so sure about meats yet. He'll eat scrambled eggs and omelets, and seems to enjoy a pretty good variety of seafood as well, but-- and this is a big 'but'-- I never know if the food item he loves today will be spat out tomorrow, for some unknown reason. I'm not sure if it's just the novelty he enjoys, or what, but it seems like the second time he has something he is totally over it. What the heck, kid?! I just keep offering it, of course, along with a few other options, so that he at least gets repeated opportunities to try it. We don't completely dismiss a specific food just because he pushed it away once or twice or seven times. But man, that does get expensive after awhile!

On a good note, though, he doesn't appear to have any food allergies (knock on wood), so we have so far successfully avoided some of the nightmarish experiences a few friends of mine have gone through with their own allergic/sensitive kids. No thanks! I'm so grateful that he may just be picky, rather than one of those kids who can't eat 95% of the groceries we typically buy. Phew!

Either way, though, we know one thing: Pandas are not safe around my boy. Run for your life, Ling Ling! (Just kidding; he's hugging him, of course! Right?)

Christmas 2009

This year was a bit of a subdued holiday, mostly because my dad is in the hospital recovering from his stroke, but also because we are highly aware of our financial situation and didn't want this to become yet another money pit for us. Instead, we focused on getting things we needed, like new hair clippers (I cut Joel's and Ethan's hair at home) because the old ones were starting to yank hair out by the roots, and a new hat and shoes for Ethan. We still have to take my sisters out for their gift, which is a visit to ye olde theatre for an awesome Christmas movie-- we haven't decided which one is going to win the prize of our attendance, yet-- and then follow the movie up with some good ol' chow time. Simple, but that's okay. Buying gifts is fun, too, but not always necessary. Sometimes, it's not just enough to hang out, it's actually more valued and more memorable than getting a package wrapped up in nice paper. I'm also looking forward to a "game day" with my mom, sisters, and niece, hopefully sometime this week. It has been so long since we've gotten the time to play games that we'll probably spend half the time re-learning the rules!


This is one of our "official" family photos. I just noticed, after sending this out to several friends and family, that at first glance it almost looks like Ethan's left hand has grown to gigantic proportions-- and then you (hopefully) realize that it's actually my hand, resting on Joel's knee. Go ahead, look again; kind of freaky, isn't it? :)

Stroke

I apologize for not posting for so long. First, we had the busy days of preparing for Ethan's birthday party/our family holiday party on December 19th... then, that same week, we had a pretty scary medical event take place. On Thursday the 17th I dropped Ethan off with his grandparents and aunt for a couple of hours so that we could have some baby-free time together, a not-so-common occurrence that we take full advantage of when we get the chance. We had just returned from getting a pizza and a movie to watch, when I got a phone call from my mom, stating that she thought my dad was having a heart attack and needed me to come over right away. I thought she meant to get the baby, but instead they wanted me to drive him over the five or so blocks to the hospital. Well, when I got there, he didn't seem to be having heart problems-- instead, he was feeling dizzy and weak, and was feeling numbness all down his left side. It was pretty clear that he was probably not having a heart attack at all, but rather a stroke. It was very scary to think about what might be happening, and how this was going to affect my dad-- such a vital, active, healthy man, who dearly prized his independence.

Anyhow... I'll write more on the story later, but that's why the blog has been so empty of late. My dad is doing much better and is in recovery right now at a rehab hospital in town, and the rest of us are doing our best to support him and my mom while they figure out what's happening now. Meanwhile, I still have to write on Ethan's party, the Ugly Christmas Sweater party, and so much more. Until then, happy holidays!

One Year Old!

I can hardly believe the time has passed so quickly... My tiny, can hardly figure out how to drink from a bottle, not gaining weight quickly enough, eensy beensy baby is now a one-year-old. He walks, he talks, he dances, he climbs and points and babbles, he eats real food and plays games and does all of those simple but amazing things that babies do when they start to grow up-- and it's hard to believe how happy that makes me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing things right; are we watching too much Baby Einstein? Are we playing enough, and stimulating his brain adequately? Did I read to him long enough, and am I teaching him how to brush his teeth the right way? There are so many ways that we as parents can find ourselves not measuring up to this mythical standard of greatness.

In earlier times, I wonder, did parents worry so much about these developmental milestones? I doubt it. And I hardly think it mattered, either; it wasn't in the last year, the last decade, or even the last century that we produced such outstanding people as Michelangelo, da Vinci, Aristotle, Shakespeare, and the minds that designed the pyramids. Not that I'm expecting our son to be a genius or a visionary who changes the course of history. No, I just want simple things for him: To be genuine, caring, balanced, healthy, and positive; to have the courage to pursue his dreams, and the endurance to see them through; and, of course, to have the blessing of love and friendship in his life. Is there more I could wish for him? Probably, but I think that's a good start. :)

Happy birthday to my darling, precious boy, who went from this...


to this, in just one year. You're still our favorite Christmas gift. I love you!

The Wean

So, I've finally come to the conclusion that it's time to start the weaning process. Ethan sits up well, eats solid food, likes to use his spoon to "feed" himself (kind of), and is turning one year old this week. To all intents and purposes, he is ready to be off the bottle. But am I ready? That's the real question... How many parents admit that they don't wean their child off of the bottle because they don't want to lose those precious moments of holding and cuddling their baby while he drinks his milk? I'm not necessarily proud of myself, but I do love those times we spend together, when he holds my fingers while I hold the bottle... even though he never really looks at me like they describe in those parenting magazines, with that wide-eyed gaze that looks straight into your soul-- I always wanted that, but he just isn't an eye-contact-while-drinking kind of kid.

Anyway, even without the eye contact, it is a special, intimate, snuggly time for both of us, and I'm not sure how I'm going to do without it. As for Ethan, he is really struggling with the switch over to a sippy cup. It might be partially because he usually takes his formula/bottle warm, while the whole milk is cold from the fridge. Should I be warming his milk now, too? Should I be leaving his formula cold-ish so that he starts getting used to the temperature change? Should I stop asking so many questions and just go with my gut? Tune in next week, same time, for the jaw-dropping answers! (Or maybe not.)

Poem: Soul in Flight

Another poem from a few years ago... I really need to start writing again. Soon, I tell you, very soon.

------

"soul in flight"

spinning
into the air
up past the trees
i spy on little birds
and laugh at the people
down below

the atmosphere
is cold up here
and the quiet
is almost frightening,
like a silent film
without subtitles

the clouds
breeze past
like somnolent cows
not even sparing
a condescending glance
for my giddy smile

the ground
is far from me
for the moment
and i will soar, gladly
deep into the horizon
for as long as i can

spinning
up into space
and out of myself
the world seems
clearer, somehow
from a blue distance

and it even appears
that this,
whatever this is,
is no daydream
borne from my own
aching solitude...

but, real or not,
i can only believe
up here, with the
other creatures that fly,
with those who reject
solid practicality

far from the dirty sidewalks
and grumbling souls
of anchored things,
i can dream,
and in dreaming~
soaring, spinning, floating, flying~

i wake, and live.


© M.S.E.

Hard Freeze

The weather is crazy cold right now! Yesterday and today, in Modesto of all places, the low temp was in the 20's. The weather stations even warned of possible snow flurries-- in Modesto!-- yesterday. I haven't lived in this area all that long, compared to some of the families we know, but I have never been here when it was going to snow. How cool would that be? Don't get me wrong; I don't necessarily want to live surrounded by several feet of snow for the entire winter, but it would be cool to just once have a white winter. Or am I asking too much, living in central California? Maybe instead I should just focus on having peppermint hot chocolates, listening to Christmas music, and bundling up with my baby. Yeah, that should take the edge off a bit. :)

"Mama..."

Ethan started saying "mamamama" this week. It's not like they show in the movies, where a baby looks up at you with these angelic eyes and says "Mama" with a sort of wonder and joy that transcends words. No, it's more of a process than that. First, they start sort of babbling the syllables that you want to hear, then, they babble them while looking at you or when they want you, and then, slowly, they figure out that it's only the two repetitions that you need-- Dada, or Mama-- and then you're golden. So far, he's starting to get that the dada sound goes with Joel and the mamamama sound gets my attention the fastest. He will even say dada by itself, which is cool, but has just barely started on the mama's. Still... it's the sweetest thing ever, and I'm thrilled.

He also just started with another word. My parents have a cat that Ethan is enthralled with right now. He follows her around the house like she's the best thing in the world, and she tries to keep just a step or two out of reach the whole time. Sometimes, we fool her by holding him in our lap and calling her over so that he can pet her from the relative safety of an adult's body-zone, and he absolutely loves it. We call her so much that he decided to do it the other day-- "Ki-ki" and even, once or twice, "Ki-di"-- how awesome is that? He's calling the kitty! I know, I know, a minor event to be so happy about, but I warned everyone earlier that I could very easily turn into one of those obnoxiously easy-to-please parents who just has to tell everyone about junior's little accomplishments. Except that this is such a big accomplishment that it only makes sense for me to tell the world, right? Uh, right?

Pre-Yard Sale Book Heist

My mom is planning to rid the household of the accumulated debris from various homes over the past thirty years. What we can't sell, we'll either donate or take to the dump. My minimalist heart is absolutely singing with joy at the prospects of a nearly empty garage... even though it's at my parents' house, not mine. It will be the project of a lifetime to get my husband on board with my agenda, and stop keeping everything he comes across. "But I could use that!" is the common complaint when I start rooting through the piles and boxes and containers that people haven't seen in years. Well, if you could use it, then why don't you? If it's not seasonal, then why is it sitting out in storage? There are certain things that don't get used often but also shouldn't get thrown away, of course; specific tools, for instance, or childhood keepsakes. But there is really no reason to keep the amount of useless stuff that most of us have piling up in our homes. I'd much rather do a clean sweep several times a year and keep the clutter to a minimum, instead of live amongst boxes and bags or stuff I never even look at, let alone miss.

So anyway, because of the yard sale, we're going through a bunch of the boxes that have been there since my parents moved-- not this time, the *last* time-- and I found a few treasures. For instance, I grabbed the following books to read through the next time I get a few minutes to myself:

-- The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch.
Can't wait to read this one and use up a whole box of tissue at the same time. At least it's motivating, though!

-- A Stir of Echoes, by Richard Matheson.
I loved the movie by the same name, so I wonder what the book will do differently...

-- Eats Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, by Lynne Truss.
This one is purely for the nerd in me. Grammar is sort of my secret super-power.

-- The Conversation Piece 2, by Bret Nicholaus and Paul Lowrie.
I enjoyed all of the little questions and conversation starters the last time I read it, and wonder how our answers will change this time.

And, of course, because I'm a total grown-up, The Ultimate Adult Only Joke Book. You know, just to improve my vocabulary and such. ;)

Food: Turkey Tortilla Soup

So, can you still call it tortilla soup if you make it sans tortillas? Either way, I had to come up with something to use up at least a little of our Thanksgiving leftovers. The soup was so simple to make, and so flavorful-- a bit spicy, even. Here's what I did: I heated up a pot at medium heat on the stove, then sauteed about half of a chopped onion (plus ~1 Tbsp. minced garlic) in butter. After the onion was translucent, I added 4 cups of chicken broth, 1 cup of hominy, about 1 cup of shredded turkey, 1 can of diced tomatoes with green chilies, 1-2 Tbsp. of diced jalapenos, some salt, and 1-2 tsp. cumin. Then, the secret ingredient: a packet of dry enchilada mix. You could have used the wet enchilada sauce in the can, but my pantry is sadly lacking and the dry mix was all I had available. I let all of that simmer for about half an hour, then added about 1/3 cup chopped cilantro and about 1/4 cup milk.

Side note: You may have noticed the number of times I say "about" in this recipe; that's because so much of what I do while cooking involves just eyeing the measurements and making do with what I have in the cupboard or fridge. It would be great to have every ingredient necessary at all times, but that's more of a "Someday..." type of scenario. For right now, our motto is MAKE DO!-- and make it good.

Anyhow: After about 5 minutes, just long enough to heat everything through and make sure the flavors were melding, I took the soup off the stove and served it with shredded cheese and some more fresh cilantro on top, plus a generous squeeze of lime. It was so delicious! Spicy, kind of creamy, and full of the earthy warmth only tomato-based sauces seem to impart to a dish. I can't wait to try it with maybe a green and a red enchilada sauce, this time the liquid kind, and some additional toppings: crunchy tortilla strips, avocado slices, sour cream. I'm salivating already!

Gym Jam

I finally made a decision: I'm going back to the gym. It's not really a difficult decision to make; I actually enjoy going to the gym, working out, and getting fit. So it isn't really that I have to convince myself to get up and go-- it's the childcare issue. About six months ago, before getting my layoff notice (perfect timing!), we signed contracts to join In-Shape. Unfortunately, we joined the only In-Shape in Modesto that doesn't have childcare facilities. And we're now locked in to a contract that can't be broken. So for the past few months, I haven't been able to go at all, merely because I can't seem to find a sitter for Ethan. Joel's busy with work or studying all the time, and I don't want to ask my parents or friends to start a scheduled babysitting job.

I was at the point of considering hiring a sitter so that I could go the gym three times a week, when it finally hit me: It would cost less to just increase my membership to the level where I can attend any of the In-Shape clubs in the city, so that I can use the childcare services there while I work out. Not only does it make it easier because I can just bring him with me and be able to check in on him if I need to, but it also means that I don't have to impose on friends or family for this fairly big responsibility. So I went ahead and did it this morning. Later today we'll be hitting the nearest In-Shape to check out their kids' area, and start getting Ethan used to the childcare system. Personally, I think he'll love it. He is so interested in kids right now, and fearless when it comes to meeting new people. I am really looking forward to this. While I get some "me" time and can start getting to where I want to be physically, he gets play dates with other kids. How cool is that? It's a win-win!

Gratitude

Things I'm thankful for...

* my son, born healthy and happy despite the emergency room scares and the placental abruption-- he is now almost one year old and going strong; thank you for being such a beacon of joy and hope and for giving me a reason to stand up and stay strong
* my husband, still with me through thick and thin, and it's been mighty thin of late; thank you for staying by my side even when I'm crabby (or worse) and for keeping up your positive spirits-- one of us needs to, in order to keep this ship sailing forward instead of sinking in the pits of despair
* my mother, who is becoming an even dearer friend than I could have imagined, and who is (of course) an excellent grandmother; thank you for your unconditional love
* my father and sisters, for their loving devotion to their grandson/nephew; thank you for surrounding us with support and for always being there when we need you
* my best friend JS, and the way she has stepped with every fiber of her self into being an amazing auntie; thank you for ten years and counting of a friendship that I just couldn't imagine living without
* my new friends T & T, and the way they are showing me how to become a woman I can be proud of
* a great circle of "adopted" relatives, including a very dear "nana" and "papa," several aunties & uncles, and other assorted friends who have invited us to share their lives and join their extended families
* my healthy body and sound mind, at least for the moment; for recovering so well from my accident a few years ago that I can move my hips enough to dance to Lady Gaga, not even think about using my walker to chase a toddler around the house, and watch the leaves change color without worrying about my neck brace
* Beringer Chenin Blanc, for being a lovely little cheap white wine I can sip on a regular basis, and Castello di Amore Cabernet Sauvignon for being one of the best wines I've ever had
* Hulu, for providing me with instant access to SNL and other TV shows that I otherwise wouldn't be able to access because we don't have cable
* speaking of Hulu, I'm thankful for the internet!
* Cotswold Double Gloucester Cheese with Chives & Onion
* Autumn


The list could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Thank you for everything I've been given. Even the yucky stuff. I may not understand why right now, but I'm sure there's a point to it. :)

Birthday Blues

Just hit the big 3-7, and boy, let me tell ya-- it just doesn't seem right that I'm already this old. I certainly don't *feel* old, so how can I actually be this close to middle-aged? Some days, it feels like I'm the same person I was back in high school. Other days, when my hip is creaking or my knees are popping or my shoulder starts to hurt, I wonder if I'm closer to 70 than 40. I know that part of it is that I feel a mounting sense of frustration that we are stuck in this rut of joblessness and constantly being on the edge of being homeless because of our ever-dwindling incomes. It's funny what having very little cash flow does to your lifestyle. It's funny because we are actually surviving on less than half of what we had coming in before, but it really changes your definition of "survival" and your wants versus needs list. For instance: I *want* a new pair of underwear for the first time in over a year, but I *need* to buy baby food. I *want* to fix the car heater/AC, but I *need* to pay rent. And so on, and so forth. You just start doing without so many things that it becomes second nature.

And this is not because I'm frugal-- which I am-- but because we have no other choice. Frugality doesn't mean that you neglect your car maintenance in order to save a few bucks, because you know that it'll end up costing you more down the line. Frugality doesn't mean that you wait until the day you run out of baby formula to buy more because you're too broke to stock up, because really planning ahead can save you a lot more money (by doing things like buying in bulk on eBay). I think that even if we were someday independently wealthy, I would still be frugal-- I just wouldn't have to be cheap anymore.

My birthday wish is that soon we won't have to live paycheck to paycheck-- or in this case, unemployment check to unemployment check. Cross your fingers for me.

Thanksgiving Plans

So, I'm going to two different Thanksgiving celebrations, and I'm starting to get things organized so that I bring the right dishes to the right house. It helps to have a list, but I have two-- time to stop, collaborate and listen.

Thanksgiving #1: I'll be helping a friend prepare a Bacon-Cheddar Baguette, Sweet & Spicy Meatballs, and Spinach-Artichoke Stuffed Tomatoes for her family's celebration on Thursday. I'll also be helping her set up the house before everyone gets there, so that means some serious girl time on Wednesday. Meaning, of course, some cooking, some interior decorating, and some martinis while watching the hot-hot-hot Gerard Butler in "The Ugly Truth." Can't wait!

Thanksgiving #2: This is going to be the tougher one. I'm preparing the turkey, gravy, Sausage-Cranberry Stuffing, Cranbery Chutney, Checkerboard Rolls, and a dessert-- still haven't decided which one yet. Might be pumpkin cheesecake, might be mini-apple pies, might be both. Sounds like the whole meal, right? Well, one of my sisters is actually doing the potatoes, candied yams, and another side dish, while my mom is doing her own veggie dishes, a pumpkin pie, and (hopefully) drinks. I actually defrosted the turkey way too early, so I am going to have to cook it tomorrow and then probably defrost another one to cook for Saturday. Talk about doubling my work load! Oh, well. At least I'll have cooked turkey ready for the freezer, to use for a million other meals throughout the winter.

Poem: Home

This is a poem I wrote while working at the junior high school I had the privilege to be a part of for seven years. It even got published in our school district's poetry anthology, and I was asked to read it at the celebration event. Of course, I blushed and mumbled my way through it, and every picture shows me practically curled up into my paper, but hey-- at least I did it, right? I have this ongoing pledge to myself that one day, someday, eventually, I will stand up and read my poetry at one of those "open to the public" poetry slams they have here in town. So far, no dice. Maybe next year, at Burning Man, will be the right time... who knows? Til then, it'll have to stay on paper and on this blog.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“home”

each day, as i cross campus,
the seagulls cry plaintively
and whirl overhead
they bring the scent of the ocean with them
and memories of water
glinting on the white-crested waves
from other, brighter times…

they are far from home
like me, like you
like so many of our students
yet they gather here for comfort,
circle and dive and float on the winter breeze
waiting for the absent tide to roll in...
       and who’s to say otherwise?
       who will break the news
       that we live in a cemented valley
       of sidewalks and malls
       with nary a coastline to
       delight the lonesome eye…

perhaps they have it right
to soar, and hear the rhythmic tide
to see the ocean in our football field
to dive for fish near the gopher holes
to chatter with friends about the mysterious sea
and dream of a place they’ve never even seen…
       perhaps they are the wise ones
       to see beyond the hole in the fence
       to a world of beaches and dunes
       to cry a song of longing and hope
       with an echo that cuts through
       this despair, so darkly familiar…

and so each day, as i cross campus
their cries overhead are a beckoning
to remember that we began
in a grand, amazing, ocean of dreams
and can find home again,
or for the first time
we, the lost children of atlantis

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Yes, we've been invited to a Christmas party... except that we are supposed to wear the ugliest Christmas sweaters we can find, which adds that special something to the festivities. Joel and I went on a hunt of our local second-hand stores for the goods, and found these beauties.

Here's Joel's sweater; the "lights" on the tree are 3-D and sparkly:

I'm also going to add these little bell things to the shoulders as epaulets...


And this lovely cardigan is mine:

The design continues around the back as well. And check out the buttons-- they're little Christmas lights.


How awesome are those sweaters? I mean, *bad* awesome, of course. I hope they're giving out prizes at this party, because I think we have a couple of doozies here. At first, we weren't sure where to find the right kind of sweaters. When we looked online, we uncovered the strange truth: Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are a growing trend, it seems. You can google it for proof, or just start your wondrous journey through the phenomenon at this site.

Eleven Months Old!

I really can't believe how quickly time is flying this year... it seems only moments ago I was pregnant, and then holding a tiny newborn in my arms, and now... well, now he is almost a little boy, already. He's taking independent steps, walking up to five feet at a time without assistance and without falling over. He's not quite talking yet, but is babbling up a storm, and I can just tell that any minute he'll bust out into speech. We're starting to teach him baby signs, so hopefully that will help with the whole communication angle until he can get a better grasp of spoken language. I'm also starting to plan out what to do for his first birthday, in less than a month.

One plan is to make a slideshow-DVD chronicling the pregnancy and the past year of his life. The problem is, how do I find the time? Being a stay-at-home mom of a toddler means that you are almost constantly moving, or otherwise engaged with your child. There doesn't seem to be enough time to do the things I *need* to do around the house, like clean or cook or keep the yard from looking derelict. How am I supposed to squeeze in time for creative projects, even those that are so close to my heart, like poetry and scrapbooking? And blogging... this is such a rarety, to have a few moments to spare on my computer. I lunge at them and devour the time, because I know it will not last. Sort of like life, I guess... and there's the baby, calling out for me, so off I go!

Chick Flicks

We just got finished watching Love Actually, a film I really enjoy, when I realized that we own very few chick flicks. I mean, our typical DVD purchase is something like Batman Begins, Tropic Thunder, or even the latest seasons of The Venture Brothers or Flight of the Conchords. We own very, very few romantic comedies, mostly because I'm not a huge fan. Looking through our cabinets, I can find certain "girl"-oriented films like Chocolat, which is of course brilliant and beautiful and a sweet fairy tale of a movie, and also The Royal Tenenbaums, one of my all-time favorites. There is Twelfth Night, a lovely update of Shakespeare's comedy, and A Couch in New York, also based on a play, and.... uh.... not much else in terms of movies marketed directly to females, and particularly as romantic comedies or romantic dramas.

Does that make me an atypical girl, this dearth of chick flicks? Does looking through my DVD collection reveal hidden truths about me? Do I have to give back my "woman" card now? Don't get me wrong-- I enjoyed watching movies like The Proposal and 27 Dresses, but it just isn't my first choice when we go to the theater. Or, um, rent DVDs. Or, well, borrow movies from friends and family.

Sigh.

Okay, fine, I admit it. I'm a dude.

Food: Calico Clams

One of my *favorite* things in the entire world is appetizers. Baked, cold, frozen, room temp, fried... pretty much anything that is bite-size and can be eaten without using utensils, if at all possible. I love hors d'eouvres, I thrill to tiny, kid-sized bites, I get ecstatic over finger food. Do you get the picture? It's my not-so-secret weakness. In fact, I recently told my husband that I'm going to be making appetizers for dinner for the rest of the month. There are two reasons: One, we're already planning on a huge, regular meal for Thanksgiving, so why not spice it up with some small meals before then? Two, I want to start trying out possibilities for parties and potlucks, and isn't it better to test it out at home *before* you have to bring the dish to a big group of people? Joel is now my guinea pig and assistant taste-tester. And our first big success this week was an adaptation of a recipe I found in a 2009 Taste of Home publication called "Appetizers for Every Occasion." (It's also my new favorite "cookbook" by the way.)

Here it is!

Calico Clams
Ingredients:
- 3 cans (6.5 oz each) minced clams
- 1 cup (4 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella
>>> Note: I substituted creamy havarti for the mozzarella.
- 1 cup (4 oz) shredded cheddar
>>> Note: I substituted colby-jack for the cheddar.
- 4 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
- 3 Tbsp seasoned bread crumbs
>>> Note: Being without bread crumbs, I instead crushed some seasoned croutons and also added about 2-3 tsp. of the garlic-lemon-rosemary "Crusting Blends" seasoning. Yum!
- 3 Tbsp butter, melted
- 2 Tbsp *each* diced onion, celery, and sweet bell peppers (red, yellow, orange, green-- any combo)
- 1 garlic clove, minced

Directions:
1) Drain clams, reserving 2 Tbsp. juice. (You can freeze the rest of the juice and use for making clam chowder, later.) In large bowl, combine clams and remaining ingredients; stir in reserved clam juice.

Option 1: Spoon into small ramekins and place on baking sheets; bake at 350-F for 10-15 minutes or til heated through.

Option 2: Spoon into hollowed cremini (brown or small portabella) mushroom caps and place on baking sheet that has been covered with parchment paper; bake at 350-F for 10-15 minutes or til heated through.

This concoction was a huge hit at our house, but we prefer the idea of Option 2 above; scooping the clam mixture out of the ramekins was just extra work (and made for extra clean-up, too!). Can't wait to have this one again!

The Blogs of Change

I'm thinking of trying out a new format to keep things interesting. Once a week, I'd like to have a "foodie day" where I discuss recipes, restaurants, cooking tips, and so on. I love food, and I love cooking, so I thought it would be nice to include this side of myself on here. I'm also thinking of having one day a week for "entertainment" related topics: reviews of movies, books, music, websites, etc. Originally I had planned a much more rigid schedule, with Mondays for this topic and Tuesdays for that topic, but I figured that would be a little too restrictive for now. Maybe later I'll change things up again, and designate certain days for specific items, but for now I just want to make sure I include other interests of mine and keep this blog from turning into an Ethan-only blog. :)

Halloween at Farmer's Market

We took Ethan down to the Modesto Certified Farmer's Market on Saturday morning, and had a great time parading him around with all of the other dressed up kids. Joel and I were two of maybe five parents who dressed up with their kids, which I think is very sad-- pathetic, even. What are we teaching our kids when we can't get creative and brave and imaginative with them? We should be able to dress up, act weird, be silly, play games, and have fun with our kids; how else are they going to learn how to be a fully rounded person as they grow up? I mean, that is one of the things I loved about Burning Man-- the chance to play dress up, play pretend, put on a character or personality trait along with my costume, and try on a different persona for a day or an hour. It's really quite liberating.

Anyway, back to Ethan: His costume was, of course, adorable. I wish they'd had the costume parade a little earlier, though, because by the time 10:00 rolled around he was so tired from missing his nap (usually around 9:00/9:30) that he was not having fun at all. Oh well; at least we got some great pictures of him as a little monster. I mean, *dressed up* as a little monster. ;)

Our little monster, with his cowboy dad

We met a dog, and Ethan wanted to make friends. Quickly.

I'm the pirate wench, feeding Ethan some spinach bolani. The Afghani cooks who bring their amazing sauces (creamy garlic, sweet jalapeno) and delicious bolani (pumpkin, potato, or spinach-stuffed lavash) are probably my second-favorite vendors. Next to our bakery friends, who have the most mouth-watering chocolate-zucchini bread and pumpkin bread in the world. No, really. It's true.

Who can resist this little monster? He's my favorite!

Fall

This kid is cute, no question. But it's tough to get him to focus on the camera when there are other kids around. We took him to a pumpkin patch on Friday and had a mini photo shoot. It was almost impossible to get a shot of him looking at us, because there were so many other little ones running around that he was completely distracted the whole time. There was one little girl in particular who was entranced with Ethan, and kept coming over to stand right in front of him, just staring and reaching out but never quite touching him. Is this how early it starts? I can see we'll have our hands full. But as long as he sticks with kissing pumpkins, we'll be fine.

Outside... does it get any better?

This kid *loves* being outside. If he is ever upset, we just take him outside and boom! Crying fit ends, immediately. He'd play out there for hours, if his parents (ahem) would let him. As it is, it's more tiring than you'd think to be out there with him, because it's amazing how many things in our yard he can find to shove down his gullet. And because we're renting, we can't really do too much about getting rid of the cactus garden (ack!) or other major kid hazards out there. Until he gets over the oral-fixation stage and stops sticking everything he can get his hands on into his mouth, we just have to keep extra close when he plays outside.


Okay, maybe not *that* close. The good thing about his love for the outdoors is that it gets me out of the house. It's very easy to get caught up in just sitting here in the house. I've got my computer, my job search, my laundry and dishes and cooking and other household chores, and it all adds up to a lot of time indoors. Having him helps bring me out into the daylight, which I guess is good for you. Last week we took him out and were watching him stand and toddle around the yard.


Sounds boring, right? Well, color me lame, then, because I actually found it quite enjoyable. But then I've been slowing down a little lately, trying to savor every moment with him because I know how quickly they pass. It seems like only yesterday that I was tucking him into my shirt to keep him close to my skin, and now he is practically running around the house. He hardly seems like a baby anymore, but is looking more and more like a little boy. I think I'll cry when he starts talking... is it going to be like this for the rest of our lives? This joy mixed with melancholy, this attempt to record the present while memories run constantly in the background? It's like having a radio on in the kitchen and trying to watch a movie in the living room; how can I separate out the past I love, so that I can enjoy the present without feeling a sense of loss for what has been?

Slideshow Time!

So, in case you hadn't noticed, I decided to add a slideshow to the blog. If you click on the picture (the "play" button), you can check out the pictures I loaded onto flickr.com. You can also click on the little button on the bottom-right of the slideshow box to enlarge the photos-- it'll expand to fill your computer screen. To keep things current, I'll be putting the most recent pictures in first, in reverse order, so that you'll start off with "now" and then go backwards in time to the pregnancy. Eventually, I'll figure out how to load video onto the blog, and that's when things are really going to kick off. Heh, heh... yeah.

Anyway, remember that you can sign in as a "friends and family" member and then get updates sent to your email, for those of you who just can't wait for the latest and greatest updates from yours truly. You can also leave comments on the blog if you wish (hint hint), beg for pictures, suggest specific topics, request recipes, or whatever you wish. Interact! Get involved! Participation is the name of the blogging game. (Or something.)

Darkening

Sometimes it's hard not to be completely overwhelmed by circumstances, no matter how well prepared you think you are or how rational you try to be about the situation. I've been seeing previews of the movie "2012" lately, and it has actually raised the same questions that I always ask of myself when watching these end-of-the-world, apocalyptic movies. The question is this: In the face of what is probably an inescapable doom, would I fight to survive, or just curl up and let it wash over me? It may seem obvious that the answer is to fight and struggle and keep going until your last breath; but is it, really? Remember when you were young, and playing chase or hide-and-seek could get downright scary because you just knew, deep down in your heart, that someone was coming after you-- inexorably, inescapably, unavoidably-- and that sooner or later they would catch you? Remember how it filled you with terror at times, and that there were moments when you just wanted to jump out of your hiding place and say "I'm here!" or stop running and let them catch you? That's sometimes what I think I might do when faced with overwhelming odds. A world-destroying quake in 2012, a world-ending freeze in Day After Tomorrow, a world-changing invasion in Apocalypto; would I be the heroic type who does everything imaginable to get to safety and keep loved ones close as well? Or would I be the girl from Last of the Mohicans who, seeing a future of captivity and brutality, steps off the edge of a cliff? I'd like to think I'd go for the first option, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just too fatalistic for a situation that seems all but hopeless. Then again, that's kind of what life feels like right now, what with our income dropping to below $2000/month for two adults and a toddler-- and that's before taxes-- and I still haven't given up. My spirit hasn't broken yet. Cracked a little, maybe; but not broken. /:)

Waving Madness

Another milestone was hit last weekend: Ethan started waving bye-bye. We were at my parents' house, and my mom said "Bye bye, Ethan" while waving at him. Out of the blue, he just starts waving his right hand at her. We've been working with him on it for the past month or two, and he finally made the connection this weekend. How cool was that?

Oh, and we are hitting a really bad teething session right now. His gums have actually started bleeding a few times, which was scary to see. I'm probably going to start rubbing his gums with a damp cloth to help ease those teeth through, and help provide some comfort for him as well. Hopefully he lets me stick my finger in his mouth, as he has been very reluctant to let anyone near his teeth for the past few days. And no wonder!

Walker, Texas Walker

Last weekend, we hit a milestone. Ethan started walking! Well, toddling, really, but still-- it was awesome. We sat a few feet away from each other and sent him back and forth between us over and over again, just thrilled at his ability to keep balanced while taking those three or four steps alone. He was so excited about it, too. Sometimes he would get so excited that he would topple right over, but usually he would manage to keep upright long enough to get to one of us. We even got it on video; once I can figure out how to post that stuff on here, I'll get it going. I'm so happy for him; he has been really frustrated lately at his inability to get around the way he wants to-- by walking-- and I think that once he masters this, he'll be having tons of fun in no time. And by fun, of course, I mean that he'll be coming up with new and creative ways to get into every bit of trouble available in this house. Can't wait!

Unsure...

We're trying to slowly introduce a wider variety of solid foods into Ethan's diet, so that eventually he can start relying less and less on milk as his main source of food. So far, we have sporadic luck. He usually prefers to eat what we're eating, so I've pretty much stopped buying baby food. Very rarely, he'll eat a container of fruit, but he typically pushes anything pureed away immediately. One thing he definitely loves, just like his mama, is mangoes. He can't get enough of those bad boys! A friend of ours just gave us a bunch of ripe mango slices, and I'm pretty sure they'll be wiped out by the end of the week.

The funny thing is, it's actually difficult for *us* to get used to feeding him solids. It is obviously a lot easier to just give him a bottle and be done with it. Taking out regular food, dicing it up, making sure it's warm enough but not too warm, being careful about the salt content, and then working with him on getting said food into his mouth is all a lot of work. The thing that I keep trying to explain to his other parent is that there is an end goal here: Ethan being able to feed himself. Ethan being able to eat a regular meal of solids and liquids. Ethan growing up to be a self-sufficient child and adult. Maybe I should make a few motivational posters, or something, to keep our eyes on the prize. ;)

Here's one of our latest attempts at feeding. He pushed the spoon away several times, so I just gave him the food on my fingers. He makes these hilarious faces when he first tastes the food, but then he chews and swallows and opens up for more. It's like, "What is this crazy, strange-smelling, weird-tasting, oddly-textured stuff you're trying to shove in my face? Wait a second-- give me some more!!"

Sleep, I Miss You

Last night, there was a coup. The days (weeks, months) of waking up a couple of times a night to tend to the baby's needs are now over. There's a new sheriff in town, and she is severely sleep-deprived and taking no prisoners. The inspiration came from this article: Rituals to Help Baby Sleep Through the Night. Although a good friend (K!) also told me the same thing in early August. Tee-hee!

Ethan was doing fine, sleeping through the night, for a few months before we went on our ten-day camping trip in August. Since then, he has been waking up at least once, if not several times a night, and we usually end up going in and giving him a bottle once or twice a night. Even with that, his sleep is restless and noisy, and he hardly seems to get any real rest anymore. Just like us. Well, those days are over. Not only is it wrong to comfort him with food, but it's not helping him sleep-- it might actually be making it worse. He needs to learn how to get himself back to sleep on his own, self-soothe when he gets upset or wakes up a little, and that way he can finally get a full night of rest.

Last night was the first in what will probably be a very long week of trying to get all of us accustomed to the new regime. Under this plan, we are no longer going to give bottles in the night, unlesss there is absolutely no other way. We are no longer going to run in at every whimper or cry and pick up the baby. No, no, no. Instead, we'll go in and check on him, make sure he's not cold or wet or hurt, and then comfort him for a few moments before going back to our room. I'll do that a couple of times, with longer and longer intervals between going into his room. Last night was a bit rough, because he woke up every hour crying out for us, but he really only cried for a couple of minutes before tiring himself out and going back to sleep. In fact, I only went into his room once because he fell asleep so quickly afterwards. And then he slept until 8:00 a.m., which tells me he was exhausted.

So, although it may take a few days of sleepless nights on our part, eventually it'll work out to the benefit of the entire family. Which is why I support this new regime wholeheartedly. Carry on, Glorious Leader, we will follow!

PS-- This whole thing was pioneered by Dr. Ferber, so now we can say our house has been Ferberized. Or maybe we won't say that. Yeah, probably not a good idea.

Poem: Allness

This poem was written sometime earlier this year... for some reason, I didn't mark down a date when I wrote it, which is unlike me. Maybe my subconscious was leading me to focus on the timelessness of the feelings I expressed-- or maybe I just forgot. Either way, here it is.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

for j

i want to cultivate it for you
and plant it on the windowsill
nurture it carefully
with the tenderness i can’t seem to show my houseplants
watch you, watching it grow
struggling upward, outward, despite my tendencies to neglect…

i want to honor it for you
set up an altar in our home
create a ritual of tea and scones,
sitting and standing,
call and response,
write a hymn that exposes a hidden longing for reverence…

i want to color it for you
paint it in sprays of pastel, bursts of neon
set up special lighting and bright bulbs
and watch it send prisms
into every dark corner
a dancing masterpiece that exists completely outside the lines…

and yet…
i want to capture it, for me
wrap it in yellowed lace and lay it beneath pressed flowers,
bury it under layers of ancient quilts and place it in a keepsake chest,
slide the chest below the extra bed in the unused guest room,
and keep it there,
cherished.
protected.
secret.
safe.

but all i can do
is offer it to you
daily
hourly
minute by minute…
the allness
of the everythingness
of my love for you.


© M.S.E.

My Favorite Scary Movies

Ghost Story-Scary:
Not a lot of gore, but some seriously good jump-in-your-seat scares. Play out like thrillers, with the tension rising right up to the end.
- The Others Amazing ghost story, with plenty of great scares. Also,
bring your kleenex because there are some seriously sad parts.
- Stir of Echoes ACK! This one always leaves me jumpy. Creepy, scary, crazy, ants-in-your-pants ghost story.
- The Sixth Sense, Signs, UnbreakableI guess I just like most of M. Night Shyamalan's work, no matter what the critics say. Oh, and add in The Village to that list; might be predictable for some, but still has some good ghost story elements.

Funny-Scary:
Less scary, more funny, but awesome movies. Gore is definitely present, but always done with a humorous slant.
- Shaun of the Dead Classic Simon Pegg humor, excellent satire of contemporary culture, and they even throw in some actual pathos (okay, I cried in one scene, sorry). Fu-nay stuff.
- Zombieland (in theaters now) Excellent movie, complete with deadpan humor, "Best Zombie Kill of the Week," narration by a nervous survivor with IBS, and great special effects. Fun for everyone, as long as you can stand the opening scenes with bloody carnage in slo-mo.

Horror-Scary:
Some (or a lot of) gore, blood, mayhem. Not big on malicious torture, so you won't find that here. But you will definitely run across some seriously bloody scenes. Don't say I didn't warn you!
- 28 Days Later Virus in the UK = Horror gold in Hollywood. This movie rocks, shocks, and even raises philosophical questions for the viewer (what would *you* be willing to do?). Featuring Cillian Murphy in his first major blockbuster; he would later play the evil psychiatrist in Batman Begins.
- The Descent Women, a cave, spelunking, and vicious terrifying creatures on the prowl. Sounds like a great vacation to me! This one hits all your fears (claustrophobia, fear of heights, fear of the dark, fear of being eaten) at once.
- Dawn of the Dead I thought this remake was actually pretty good. Especially loved the Richard Cheese "lounge" version of 'Get Down with the Sickness.' Dark, gory, scares, even though it brings up the usual "Why would they do that? Are they stupid, or what?" horror movie questions.

And two you may not have heard of...
- Let The Right One In An awesome vampire movie from Sweden, this one is at the top of my list. Poignant, frightening, intense, and quite moving-- definitely watch it. Not for children, but features child actors (who are brilliant, by the way).
- Pontypool Definitely the thinking person's scary movie, this one is from Canada and 98% of the film takes place inside a radio studio. It's more about what happens in your head when horrible things start taking place around you... creepy.


Great; now I have the itch to go watch several of these before Halloween!

Ten months and counting...

Just wanted to share the good news: My baby boy is ten months old! As of last week, heh heh... okay, so I'm a slacker. Don't worry, I won't mess up on the big one, December 15th. Anyway, here is my darling, sweet, precocious, curious, fun, energetic, loving, beautiful boy:



How did I get so lucky?

(PS-- Check out that adorable chin; I love it to pieces!)

How to Choke

So, Joel saved my life the other day. No, seriously, he did. He literally saved my life, right there in our humble little kitchen next to the 1970s push-button stovetop and surrounded by stylish wood paneling. It was c-r-a-z-y. And yet avoidable. I think I might have been in the process of being punished for trying to secretly gorge on butterscotch chips, because lo and behold those little suckers tried to kill me.

Basically, it goes like this: I was in the kitchen by myself, searching for a few spices for the recipe I was about to prepare, when my wandering hands stumbled upon a hidden treasure trove of pure sugary joy. It turned out to be about a quarter of a bag of butterscotch chips... exactly what I wanted that muggy afternoon to feed my sweet tooth. I tossed several chips in my mouth and began chewing, when for some unknown reason I sort of coughed/inhaled, which had the unfortunate effect of sucking that gluey mass of half-chewed butterscotch chips directly into the wrong pipe. I immediately went into evasive actions, or in other words started to make things worse.

I'm not sure why, but I couldn't stop myself from trying to swallow that sucker, and of course it not only didn't work, but actually made it even harder to breathe. Which I wasn't exactly doing, at that point; more of a gasping, loud, wheezing intake with no exhalation. I was starting to panic, walking in circles around the kitchen, when I realized I was in major trouble and somehow managed to squeak out "Joel!" on one of my inhales. He ran in the room and within about 10 seconds was giving me the Heimlich. It was so awesome! After around three tries, he finally dislodged the offending sugar bomb, and I started coughing for what seemed like the next hour but was probably more like five minutes. I went over and splashed water into my mouth to help ease the pain in my throat, and ended up splashing it all over my face and neck, too. My skin was burning, and I was red and sweating and exhausted from the whole ordeal. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was pounding, and what a close call that had been.

Although I started feeling better very quickly, I couldn't actually breathe normally for about half an hour. For the next couple of days my throat was painfully sore, and I coughed throughout the night (sleep deprivation is my constant companion these days, no matter the cause). But all's well that ends well, and I can now truthfully say that my husband saved my life. I guess that means I owe him, or something. ;)