Ornamentally Speaking

I love Christmas. I love the decorations, the sentiments, the focus on others, the weather, the smells of cinnamon and pine and cider... and I especially love ornaments. I have a few that are my current favorites. For instance, flying Santa.



I originally bought him as my offering for an ornament exchange at a work holiday party. I loved him so much that, when it came to be my turn to take someone else's gift or grab a new one, I took Santa back. I think he enjoyed coming back home.



Ethan's favorite ornament is the little lamb that I found at a church yard sale one year. He loves it because it reminds him of Timmy the lamb, from Timmy Time-- his current favorite cartoon in the universe. It's actually pretty awesome, and is filmed in stop-motion just like Wallace & Gromit. I love it too, if you can't tell. Every time he wants to watch TV now, he says "Baaa!" just like Timmy. Too bad the only way you can get one of their stuffed dolls is to have it shipped from England for an exorbitant price. Bummer!

My Boy

Ethan has an expression that just tugs at my heartstrings, every time... it's sort of a sideways shrug, a bit bashful and a bit playful, and lately he's been doing it when he wants be sure that we are following behind him. I love it.



The other day we actually had a bout of warm-ish weather, so Ethan wanted to be outside with his soccer ball. Maybe one of these days we'll be able to enroll him in soccer classes like his big cousin Preston!



In the meantime, we'll have to content ourselves with play-dates, visiting family, and fun time at home with mom and dad. That sounds perfect, right, Ethan? Uh, right?



Uh-oh. Looks like it's time to kick the job hunt into high gear and get this kid into daycare!

Black Friday Parking Lot Gift

Stefanie went out on that craziest of crazy holiday shopping sprees, Black Friday. She suffered through cold and darkness and people smoking in line around her, all while at the same time battling a pretty nasty case of bronchitis. Why, you ask? To get a TV that was never gotten. Sad news, and pretty disappointing considering how long she spent out there and how frustrating it was to shop with a bunch of rabid cuckoo nut-jobs. BUT, there was a silver lining to that cloudy morning. While walking back to her car, she noticed something under a cart. Something that had been left far, far behind by someone else on a mad rush to get to the next store, the next deal, the next best thing. It was a gift from the Black Friday spirit of Christmas Yet to Come...



And it only had one problem: A torn zipper. No worries! She adopted it on the spot and brought it back for her nephew. He thought it through and decided to make it his throne.



And lo, it was good.

Job Hunt: Desperation Version

So, starting Monday I'm going into full-desperation mode on my job hunt. I'm calling all of the places where I've completed interviews and checking the status of the hiring process. At least then I'll know whether or not to keep those options open. Then, I'm calling a few temp agencies and setting up appointments at the first one that's available. I did contact some last week, but it was via an email link on their websites and I haven't heard back yet. I also plan on going in to take my typing test so that I can have a current certificate stating my typing speed. If I end up doing reception or data entry, so be it. I have one more application packet that I need to turn in this week, for a Human Resources Technician at the local community college. Unfortunately, that job doesn't even close until the 15th, so I obviously won't be hearing back from them in time to pay January rent. Which is my main goal right now: Paying rent in January. Gotta do whatever it takes to keep my family in this house. I refuse to be homeless!!

Of course, I'm not the only one in Modesto looking for a job- we have a 16.2% unemployment rate here, and it's not looking to improve any time soon.
County's jobless rate remains flat, but likely to rise - Business - Modbee.com

Impending Doom

I haven't heard back from the jobs at the City or the County yet, and right now I'm just trying to stop the tidal wave of sheer, panicked terror that is threatening to wash over me.

Today I got my last full check from unemployment, which allowed me to pay for rent with nothing left over for any December bills. Next week, I will get my last check- PERIOD- which will be approximately $450. Here's a brief list of the bills I have to pay in December:
- $85: City of Modesto (garbage & water)
- $48: PG&E (gas)
- $40: AT&T (internet)
- $180: MID (electricity)
- $8: Kaiser (Ethan's health ins)
- $62: Fed Tax Debt Pay-off (due the 25th)
- $30: State Tax Debt Pay-off (automatic on the 15th)
- $39: Melanie's cell phone
- $55: Joel's cell phone
- $54: Care Credit (dental bill)

Just our utilities add up to $353, and that's if my estimates above are accurate. The rest of those bills really do have to be paid, and they add up to an additional $248, and that's not even including the car insurance bill-- we overpaid a couple of times so don't owe anything in December, but it'll be $150-180 in January. That means that, in addition to $900 in rent, we have about $760 in other bills due every month, and that doesn't even begin to count groceries, diapers, or household necessities.

I seriously have no idea what in the world we are going to do. It feels like the world is ending.

(D) E.B.T.

So, I'm looking into the "food stamps" issue, and finding out that it's very different than I thought it was. First of all, they're not called food stamps any more; the money is instead transferred monthly onto "EBT" (Electronic Balance Transfer) cards that look just like a debit/credit card.


I suppose they chose that form to reduce the shame factor for those people who rely on food aid to get through the month. Secondly, the range of items you can buy is pretty broad. Check it out:

What you can buy with food stamps [7 C.F.R. § 271.2]
--- Any food for human consumption except hot food (but remember, there is also an exception for approved restaurant meals programs).
--- Seeds and plants to grow food for yourself or your family.

What you cannot buy [7 C.F.R. § 271.2]
--- Pet food.
--- Alcohol.
--- Non-food items such as soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, cigarettes, etc.
--- Vitamins and medicines.
--- Any hot food, including hot food intended for immediate consumption (with the exception of restaurant meals programs).

Interesting, right? I actually found out that Papa Murphy's Take & Bake Pizza accepts EBT cards. Considering that it's around $6-8 per pizza, and that is a meal that feeds my family, I think it's not a bad deal. Not for regular use, of course, but pretty neat. Anyway, hopefully it doesn't come down to that. But if it does, I'll know how to use it!

Time Out

It has begun: The days of the dreaded (but often effective) Time Out. So far, our discipline has been fairly minimal, and limited primarily to removing items that he wants or removing him from the scene of potential disaster. I've been reading some toddler discipline books and online advice columns, though, and decided to give Time Outs a try. I know there are probably thousands of parents out there who swear by it, but I also know that many of us resort to Time Outs for all of our disciplinary needs, and it gets way over-used. I didn't want to be one of those "You want a Time Out? Do ya? Huh?" types, so I avoided it as long as possible.

Now that there is a distinct possibility that I might be getting a new job and putting Ethan into a child care facility, I need to help him get up to speed with his social skills. And one of the most important skills is learning how to navigate the daycare setting, with all of its rules and special procedures to help keep order amidst the potential chaos. Being able to control your own impulsiveness is something that everyone can benefit from knowing, and Ethan could certainly use the help in that arena. Yesterday we had two Time Outs, and he did so well during each one. He sat still in his Time Out spot against the wall in the main corridor, and sat there the whole two minutes. Both times! Today, when he got his first Time Out, he started saying "I sorry, mom" about 30 seconds in. What a doll! And then he helped clean up the food he dumped out earlier.

Hmm... maybe this Time Out thing *is* all it's cracked up to be.

Interview...

The latest income updates are as follows: (1) We may finally be on the last legs of our unemployment benefits, and (2) I have an interview this Wednesday with the County Office of Education. Boo and yay, all in the same breath! If this is indeed the end of my unemployment checks, and I *don't* end up getting an offer of employment this week, then I have approximately $1200 remaining in benefits. That means I have one more month of rent paid for (December) and then-- well, let's not think about it too much. If I don't get offered a job, then I plan on enrolling at a temp agency and taking whatever comes along. We'd apply for food stamp benefits and whatever else we qualify for, and hope we can make it. Joel would have to watch Ethan during the day, because we wouldn't be able to afford daycare, and I would have to make sure to be back by the time Joel has to leave for his Heald classes (4:45). If I had to do a temp job that ended at 5:00, Joel could always drop Ethan off with my parents until I can come pick him up. I don't see how we'd make enough to pay rent on that plan, but I also don't see any other options. We have to try, right?



The other possible solution, of course, is that my interview tomorrow goes swimmingly, and I get offered a position with the County Office of Education. The job is as a Child Care Specialist, and it basically involves outreach and enrollment for child care seekers, training and support for providers, workshops and technical assistance, etc. I know I can do it, and it's very similar to what I was doing for seven years at my last job, so I'm planning on knocking their socks off at the interview. I need this job; not only for monetary purposes, but for personal ones as well. I really think that having a job would benefit my entire family. Ethan needs to be in daycare around other kids his age, and he is so ready and eager to socialize that I feel like being at home with me is not the ideal place for him. My relationship would improve, even though-- or maybe because-- we'd see each other less, in that I'd feel more secure and wouldn't have quite as much stress worrying about whether or not we'll make it through the next month. And I know that my soul is craving interaction with other women and men in the workplace and community; it has been far too long to go without that kind of connection, at least for me.

Obviously, I'm hoping for the second outcome. But whatever happens, our family will survive.

Sleeper

So, Ethan passed the first test: He slept through the night in his modified crib! Sure, he had some rough moments trying to just fall asleep, but he eventually calmed himself down-- without me in the room, mind you-- and spent the rest of the night sleeping like a... like a... well, sleeping soundly in his crib. In the morning, I awoke to the usual "Mom? Mom?" calls, but this time they were right outside my door. I opened it to see my little boy standing there with his pillow, looking refreshed and awake and happy as a clam. Success!

Monday night, too, he acted a little hyper when I first put him in the crib-bed, which worried me a little about his ability to fall asleep. After about ten minutes of saying "It's time to sleep" and preventing him from climbing out of the crib, I realized I was fighting a losing battle. I didn't want every night to be a struggle and to be one where I had to stand guard at the crib doors, as it were, because the minute I leave the room he can climb out anyway. It's better to let him get comfortable with going to sleep on his own, instead of having to be a jailer or soothing him for as long as it takes to fall asleep. I said goodnight and walked out, expecting him to follow at any moment, but he didn't. I heard him climb out of the crib and walk around the room a little, but then I heard him climb right back in, and presto! Asleep in minutes. How awesome is that?

Bed Time

We lowered one side of Ethan's crib recently, and now he is starting to climb in and out on his own. This is a somewhat scary development, in terms of how it may affect our ability-- and his!-- to sleep through a whole night ever again. Or for a long time, at least.

So far, nap time today was a bit difficult at first. He couldn't stay in his room inside the crib or even on his toddler bed for more than five minutes. After about half an hour of trying to keep him in there, we just let him come out and join us on the couch, where we were watching the version of "A Christmas Carol" starring Jim Carrey. He lasted about 20 minutes before conking out in between us, so we transferred him to the crib, where he spent the next couple of hours in blissful sleep. Tonight, he got a very late start on bedtime, so you'd think he'd be even more ready to pass out, but no. The opposite, in fact, was true. He kept playing and trying to get me to interact with him in the crib, so after about twenty minutes of that I decided to just kiss him goodnight and shut the door. It has been about ten minutes now, and he hasn't escaped. Guess I should go check on him and see how he's doing... but maybe I'll give it a few more minutes first. We'll see tomorrow how he did through the night!

Thanks

Things I'm thankful for...
My creative, optimistic, dream-chasing, supportive husband Joel
My kind, energetic, healthy, loving, curious child Ethan
My parents and sisters living nearby, providing all types of support when it's needed (emotional, motivational, financial, child care, and so much more!)
My country, for being a place where we can survive on unemployment and not much more
My home, for being a retreat and also for being an open door to friends
My health, my brain, and my dreams of a better future-- the hope keeps me going when things seem dark
My dear friends, for their constant outpouring of love and companionship, and their occasional kicks in the rear that get me jump-started again and back on the path
And, of course, food, make-up, pretty dresses, comedy, rain, sunny beaches, etc.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vegetables Need Love, Too

Okay, so apparently I'm the last person to actually hear of and buy the "Sneaky Chef" book by Missy Chase Lapine. I've always been a little bit slow catching on to the latest trends. I was carrying a Walkman around into the 21st century, if you can believe it; I think I was actually requested to put it to sleep in about 2003. So I'm definitely not a trend-setter, and it takes me some time to figure out that new doesn't always mean complicated or pretentious. But I'm glad I finally jumped on the bandwagon with Missy's approach to hiding healthy foods in our meals, because WOW-- it's awesome!

Her plan involves bringing healthy fruits and vegetables into our regular meals in such a way that we don't necessarily notice they're present, not only to deal with picky eaters, but also so that we don't lose the flavor of the main dish that we're "sneaking" food into; instead, it is enhanced, both nutritionally and taste-wise. I can't wait to try them out. I've already started by making "Orange Puree" from carrots and yams, and freezing it in 1/4 cup portions. She uses that puree in recipes like Guerrilla Grilled Cheese, Maxed Out Meatloaf, and Fortified French Toast. I think her recipes sound fantastic, and I'm actually excited about working more fruit and veggies into our meals. Look for more recipe reviews on the way!

Cribbin' It

I think Ethan might be ready to move from his crib to the little toddler bed that's set up in his room. In preparation for the move, we've sort of removed the long side of his crib that faces out into the room-- the side that normally lifts up and down. It's sort of like this...


... except that Joel removed that bottom metal bracket so that the entire "movable" side now rests on the ground. This leaves about a foot or so of slats above the mattress level to keep Ethan from rolling out of the crib, but also allows him to start getting him accustomed to a new sleep situation. Since we just started him in the modified crib this week, I'm going to let him get used to it for a few more days before springing any more changes on him. But maybe, just maybe, he can start taking naps in his toddler bed next week. And guess what else? We've already started the beginning, initial, preparatory, baby steps in potty training. So many changes, coming at us so quickly!

Nucular

Did you ever have one of those conversations that starts off with you in the position of righteous indignation about someone else's misdeeds, and ends with you sitting quietly, trying to damp down your emotions while hearing about your tendencies to over-react and have "little nuclear explosions" of anger?



Yeah, me neither.

But it seems like a particularly unpleasant way to end your Sunday.

Bath Blast

Ethan loves water. Water of any kind, really; in a cup, in a hose, in a sink, it doesn't matter. He wants it, and he wants it yesterday.


He especially loves taking baths and showers, and would prefer to stay in there for hours if he could. Unfortunately, he also has two tendencies that limit his bath time: a tendency towards patches of eczema on his legs, and a tendency to splash and/or pour water all over the bathroom floor. He just wants to share the water with everyone, I guess!


Every couple of baths or so, we like to use colored bath fizzers or food coloring to add a little splash to his water adventure. So don't worry, that yellow water is by design, not by accident. And his expression is because he likes to splash, but doesn't like water in his eyes. His solution? Splash, scream, and squish your eyes shut as tightly as possible, and not necessarily in that order.

Ethan's Loveys

As a new mom, I started receiving promotional and informational emails about the different stages in my child's life, from infancy through toddler-hood-- and maybe beyond. Some are from major players like Gerber, and others are from various websites I joined to get more insight into pregnancy and parenting: What To Expect, BabyCenter, and so on. I remember getting an email at one point which discussed "lovey" toys or blankets that a child will attach to and use for comfort and self-soothing. At the time, Ethan was just going to bed on his own, no problem. I was putting a floppy, curly-"haired" stuffed dog that my mom bought in the crib with him, but he didn't seem to be too interested for quite awhile. I also started giving him the same blanket-- a pale blue one made especially for him by our friend Vy-- when he was getting ready for bed, or when he was feeling especially needy. Bingo! We found his first lovey.

Unfortunately for blanket, which he calls "ken-ken," Ethan is a very devoted lovey-lover, and has just about loved it to death just one month shy of his second birthday. He likes to wind his fingers in and around the little loops of the blanket, and has pulled out threads all over and opened up a pretty extensive hole right in the center. I have fears for ken-ken's life expectancy, at the rate this kid goes. Just a couple of months ago, Ethan discovered a small, embroidered, square cushion that looks vaguely Moroccan or Indian and has bits of shiny mirrors entwined with the colored thread. Instant love affair, and now he can't go to bed-- or get up in the morning, sometimes-- without his "pelo-pelo" in his arms. It's sort of like this one, but more of a reddish-orange color...

It, too, is starting to undergo the same treatment as ken-ken, and I'm beginning to see the beautiful embroidery fall victim to his twining and winding little fingers. But at least it is smallish. His latest lovey is almost too big to even be considered a lovey. I should probably be sent to bad-mom rehab for even letting him bring it into his crib, but there you have it-- I'm a pushover. He has two large stuffed bears in his room right now. One is a HUGE brown bear with a plaid bowtie, and he is called either Angus or Big Bear, depending on the day. The other bear is smaller, but definitely not small, and resembles one of those Coke polar bears, except sans coke bottle... He calls it, of course, "ber."

His bedtime routine used to be coming into the room, sitting with mom and having his bottle of milk, falling asleep while drinking, and then going to sleep in his crib. Now, we finish our last liquids at least half an hour before bed, brush our teeth, and then go to the room to do one last diaper change before sitting together and singing a song or two. The minute we enter the room for bedtime, he starts asking for his loveys: "Ber? Ber? Pelo-pelo? Ken-ken?" And that will pretty much continue until all three are sitting on my lap along with Ethan, who clutches at them while I sing/hum our lullaby songs. After a few minutes, I tell him it's time to go to sleep, he grabs all three loveys, and I put him in his crib. (Soon to come: The Toddler Bed.) I just hope he doesn't suddenly develop a deep attachment to anything else, because this lap doesn't have any more room on it for additional passengers!

Party Success

It was so great having my wonderful female friends and family over tonight... It was like a trifecta of girl-party awesomeness: delicious food, positive energy, and genuine friendship. Couldn't have asked for more.

Well, maybe a little more time together to chat and introduce people with a little more depth, but that's it!

PS-- The recipes were a major hit. All of 'em! Guess that means they're going in the meal rotation from now on. :)

Thanksgiving Taste Test

So, I've decided on the recipes I'll be trying out tomorrow with friends and family who come to my Tupperware and Tasting Party.

They are:
- Cheesy Crab Tarts
- Sweet Potato Empanadas
- Endive Boats with Cauliflower & Prosciutto
- Savory Bread Pudding with Mushrooms
- Turkey Roulade with Sausage-Cranberry Stuffing
- Mini Apple Pies & Gingersnaps

To drink, we'll have the following:
- Mulled Cider (with Spiced Rum as a mixer for the bold at heart!)
- Sparkling Apple-Cranberry Cider
- Moscato wine
- and water, of course

Plus a few kid-friendly things, to make sure the two boys who'll be there actually eat. Can't wait!

Thanksgiving Plans

Our family will be taking the easy route this year and ordering a yummy, pre-cooked feast from Raley's for Thanksgiving. We're also going to buck tradition and hold our festivities on Saturday of that week instead of Thursday, because my dad works that Thursday and Friday. It's actually kind of nice, because it'll allow us to go spend time with our friend Julie for her family's Thanksgiving day, and even go visit with Joel's family as well. Usually we end up having to quadruple-book several visits on one day, which is way too much organizing for my tastes. This will be much, much easier, both on the stress level and on the gas costs.

Although, one might think that I would miss making the food for Thanksgiving, because I actually do love to try out both new and well-loved recipes, host parties, and serve gorgeous food to people. The down side is that we tend to have our family gatherings at someone else's house, while I'm still the one cooking, so it works out that I end up cooking most of the food, hauling it over to my parents' house, and usually am somehow in charge of organizing the day, too-- finding out who is bringing what, where the dishes are, how we'll set up, etc. It gets a little overwhelming sometimes, so this year Joel asked me to politely decline the honor. Which I did, shockingly!

I won't miss cooking, though, because I get to prepare all sorts of tasty little tidbits for my Tupperware party slash Thanksgiving Tasting party this Wednesday. I'll figure out my final menu today and post it up tomorrow. I can't wait to try these recipes out, and spend time with some girlfriends! The only down side is that Joel will be starting school this week and will be gone four nights a week from 5-11. But think of the silver lining: In just 18 months, he'll be done!

Uncle Scott

Ethan absolutely adores his Uncle Scott. Scott is one of Joel's oldest friends, and in a shocking display of coincidence and good form, also has the same birthday as me- November 24th. Must be something about that particular date that grabbed Joel's attention... or just really good luck, on his part of course.



Anyway, every time Scott comes over, Ethan goes wild over him. He isn't a shy or withdrawn child, by any means, but he took especially well to Scott, right from Day 1. He is always trying to sit near him, play with him, tell him something urgent in his strange toddler-babble, and just be good buddies. I'm glad Scott lives closer to us right now, because it's nice for Ethan to have another male figure in his life that he can look up to, spend time with, and learn from. Now I've just got to figure out how to keep Uncle Scott around for the next twenty years or so...

Punkin

My boy... I've been feeling a bit introspective and down lately, so I thought I'd spend a few moments just gazing at my darling Ethan and remembering how good life can be.



And it can be amazing, I know; it's just hard to keep that truth in mind when you feel overwhelmed by all of the things that leave you cold, tired, and aching at the end of the day. Or worse, at the start of the day, even before the enormity of what's ahead has truly begun to sink in. I'm not quite there right now, but I've been in that place before, and it's not pretty. Instead of going there again, I'm focusing on the many things in my life that are awesome and pleasant and satisfying and bring me happiness. Hopefully, it will make a difference in my attitude and my outlook on a lot of things. And how can I be sad, when I have this beautiful face to look at every day?

Wanted: Friends

I always thought I'd have more friends, at this stage in my life. I thought I'd be able to host dinner parties, or cocktail parties, or just hang out with various female pals, male buddies, couples, families, and so on... you know, the way friends do. Instead, my friends seem to be living too far away for regular contact, and I'm limited to Facebook, email, or cell phones for any sort of connection. I feel lonely all the time for genuine friendship, and I don't know what to do to change that. Whenever I meet people around town, it seems like they are already locked in to their own little cliques and their set of friends and family, and it's just too much work to fit another person into their lives. They seem great, but their lives are already booked. Mine, on the other hand, seems to have a permanent "Vacancy" sign blinking above it, like those old motels along an empty stretch of highway.



Will it ever have a "No" lit up in front of it?

Back to My Future

Never in a million years did I picture my life turning out the way it has. When I did imagine some hazy future, it varied between a couple of main themes. In the first type of dream, I would be living in a big city like New York or SF, running my own business (never sure what type) and walking to wherever I needed to go, just the quintessential independent woman with lots of stuff going on in her life-- travel, dinner parties, shopping with friends, coffee houses (or in my case, hot chocolate), and so on. For some reason, I always saw myself living in a sort of brownstone-style place, and would inevitably see myself walking down a tree-lined street, wearing heels and an awesome pea-coat, striding off toward whatever awesomeness awaited me. I never really pictured myself with a partner or spouse; it was just me, out pursuing my dreams and goals and being able to take advantage of all that the big city has to offer.

The other type of "future" dream saw me living a glammed up version of the life I have now-- in that scenario, I'm a younger mom, I actually have money (ha!), and I have two or three kids. It varies a little, but typically it focuses on these movie-style vignettes with me + babies, me + hubby + babies, or hubby + kids. I had a vague picture of an ideal husband who was a full partner, someone who would sing to the babies and teach them how to ride bikes and do funny voices during bath time, and all of that while still holding hands with me and surprising me with romantic cards or a spicy date of dancing and exploring the nightlife...

Those dreams, of course, were what floated around in my young mind while I tried to decide who I was going to be when I grew up. I never realized just how rare and magical it would be to achieve either one of them, or maybe I would have toned them down a bit to a more manageable size. Then again... are dreams supposed to be attainable, or something that keeps us reaching and striving, even when we know we may never reach the goal?

Job update

So, I finally heard back from the City about the job I applied for in September of last year, tested for in October of last year, placed "Rank 1" for in November of last year, and then... eventually, interviewed for on October 11th of this year. After not hearing back from them for two half weeks after the interview, I called and left a message inquiring about the status of the position and the recruitment process. I actually searched up an appropriate "script" for calling back after an interview, when you haven't heard anything (positive or negative) and are curious about whether or not you're still in the running for the job. I found a few great suggestions at this article by Carole Martin. I adjusted it for my particular situation and felt much more comfortable calling in about the job.

Unfortunately, I got switched to two different people before being connected to someone's voice mail, at which point I left a message and never heard anything back. I decided to send an email inquiry to the person who had originally emailed me about whether or not I was still interested in interviewing for the position earlier this fall, and then sat back and waited. By which I mean, of course, that I kept looking for jobs and sending out applications elsewhere. Friday morning I finally got a response; apparently, the interview process had been temporarily delayed, but should be moving forward again shortly. Also, the person stated that no formal selection had been made yet-- woo-hoo! That's good news, in my book. So, I guess it's still "game on" at this point. Keep your fingers crossed, for as long as you can!

Don't Go, Daddy

Joel was gone for three days last week at a job in Sacramento. Ethan seemed to miss him, but at the same time didn't say much beyond calling for him a few times in the morning. On the third night, when Joel came home, Ethan ignored him for a few minutes and then crawled into his lap and didn't want to leave. Even when it was time for helping Ethan go to bed, which is usually my job, he wanted his daddy to carry him into the room and stay there. But Joel had to still unload his car, so he kissed Ethan goodnight and walked out of the room. The minute he disappeared from view, Ethan started crying and called out "Dad, don't go!" It was so sweet, and sad, and tender...

Joel's going back to Sacramento again next week for another three days; I wonder if it will get easier, or tougher, for Ethan to see him leave. For me, it's a combination of both. It's easier somehow to know that I'm the only one here and that I'm responsible for the house and Ethan by myself, rather than having Joel here the whole time but *still* be the one doing all of the cleaning, meals, laundry, and childcare. I guess that means I don't make a very good housewife! ;)

Breakthrough!

We have hit a critical juncture in two areas of Ethan's development: speaking and potty training. First of all, his vocabulary and communication skills have been expanding beyond belief these past few weeks. He's begun putting words together and making actual sentences, which is so amazing when I really start to think about it... my son is going to be able to carry on conversations soon, in English even! Not in baby sign language or grunts or cries, but in real words! It's pretty humbling to consider that I've got the responsibility to make sure he learns how to communicate his needs, wants, feelings, dreams, and thoughts in a way that lifts himself and others up instead of bringing them down. What a huge task, for both of us...

Anyway, the accomplishments in potty training are that Ethan is becoming more and more aware of dirty and wet diapers. He no longer ignores them until we notice the aroma or the heaviness of the diaper and have to struggle him into a clean one; no, now he realizes how yucky it is to have that against his skin. This morning, he came up to me and said "Mama, poo poo" while pointing at his diaper area. I said "Do you have a poo poo diaper? Do you want to change your diaper?" And he said "Okay," and began trotting back towards his bedroom. I followed him in and he practically climbed up my arms and onto the changing table; it's the first time *that* has happened, for sure! All in all, it was a pretty neat moment for both of us. I think he's ready for actual potty training!

Happy Halloween!!

A friend of mine recently sent me an email with a link to the coolest Halloween card ever, and I just have to share. It was so well done that it needs to be appreciated by more people!

This year, our Halloween looks like it's going to be a lot more fun than usual, which is nice because these are tough times and we need a break every so often. Last year we had fun taking Ethan to the Halloween parade at the Farmer's Market and then having "grown-up" time that night-- we went to a Halloween house party and then headed downtown for some dancing at Bacchus. This year, we're going to take Ethan down to the Farmer's Market parade only if it isn't raining (boo!) and then he'll spend Saturday night with my sister and niece over at Grandma's house. Because of their kindness (many thanks!), Joel & I will be able to head out to San Francisco to a Halloween party; it'll be the first time we've been in the City for Halloween. I am so looking forward to it! Not only will it be grown-up time, but it will be costume dress up and dancing and San Francisco-- my three favorite things ever-- all rolled up into one.

On Sunday, we're going to have my niece Leila and a couple of her friends over for a low-key Halloween party. They'll carve pumpkins, toast pumpkin seeds, eat gross-looking food like barbecued worms (slivered hot dogs) and gremlins (chocolate + Fiber One = deliciousness), then get all costumed up and go trick-or-treating.

Our costumes this year are the following: Joel is going as the clown doctor from Childrens Hospital...

(he has the same face make-up as John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer... I guess laughter isn't always the best medicine!)

Ethan is going to be a zombie Diego...

PLUS


And I'm going to do my version of a scary nurse, along the lines of this... kinda.


Anyway, I can't wait! Halloween ROCKS!

Still No Word...

Nothing yet about the job. I'm starting to get nervous, considering it has been almost two weeks since my interview. Then again, Joel made a good point-- it took almost a year for them to call me for that very interview, after I took the test and did well enough to be ranked "1" (whatever *that* means). So I guess I should be patient... as hard as that is.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting through the week, coordinating my costume for our first Halloween in San Francisco EVER, and spending time with family and friends. All things I love, of course; dress up, hang out, and have fun. Tonight I got to see a dear friend after a long absence, and it was wonderful. Quite the balm for my tired soul! And she raved over Ethan, which I truly appreciate because it makes me see him in such a different, more loving and accepting light. I need that reminder every so often that he is amazing and wonderful and precious, because it can get too easy to see him colored by temper tantrums and frustrations and all of those things that toddlers go through while trying to learn the maddening rules of this crazy life. Anyway, I'm glad she came by to coo over his sweet face and adorable expressions and absolutely beautiful babblings and nonsense words; it made me want to cuddle him up and hold him until he fell asleep, hours later. Thank you, T! You remind me of the mom I want to be. :)

Way Too Early. Way.

For some reason, my son has been waking up at around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. for the past few days, and then can't get back to sleep. Trust me, I've tried everything. Diaper change, waiting it out, letting him self-soothe, even rocking him to sleep and-- I'm a little embarrassed to say-- today I caved and gave him some milk. Unfortunately, nothing I did helped, and no matter how long I waited, he never went back to sleep. I know this because he kept up a high-volume commentary on how wide awake he was, and how much he wanted one of us to come in there and get him out of his crib. And I think you know which one of us ended up doing it, too.

I think it's time we strap down his heavier furniture and set up his room so that he can spend time in there by himself in the mornings. Not only would this make it easier on days like these, but it would also let me start putting him in his regular toddler bed for naps, instead of always using his crib. He's ready to at least nap there, I think; I just don't feel comfortable leaving him in there alone while his dresser and bookshelf are still free-standing. He's a climber and an adventurous boy, and I don't want to hear a huge thunk one day and find out that he's pulled one of those bad boys right down on top of himself. Guess it's time to whip out my big girl tools and do it myself, though, because it has been on the honey-do list for a few months now with no results. Fix-It Girl to the rescue!

The Waiting Game.

No word yet on the job status. I've checked my voice mail and email hourly since my interview ended last Monday, and still haven't heard back about whether or not I was selected for the position. The waiting is excruciating! Here's hoping the long wait is because they were so busy holding up my amazing example and comparing all the other applicants, only to find the rest, sadly enough, lacking that special something that I have. And I have it in spades! (Whatever "it" is.)

Oh's Yes, It's Good... Cereally.

My new favorite cereal... crunchy, sweet, addictive deliciousness. YUM!! As a child, I loved Honeycombs. They were perfect in milk, but also a great dry snack. As I got older, I became a fan of Frosted Mini-Wheats, with their "healthy but disguised by a layer of sugar" motif, and then moved on to the Save Mart brand of generic honey nut cheerios as I got cheaper. Actually, I really do like them better than the name brand. And there's just something about cereal in a bag that screams "suck it, big business!" to me. After meeting Joel, I discovered the subtle beauty of Cinnamon Life. It will always hold a special place in my heart, with its delicate cinnamon flavor married to the crispy crunch of the squares. The only problem with it is that the crunchiness doesn't last long in milk.



Not so for the Honey Graham Oh!s pictured above, which stay firm enough that they still emit a distinctive crunch even ten minutes after swimming around in a bowl of milk. Not that they usually last that long when I'm the one eating. I only know they do because my son happens to be the slowest eater in the universe, and often rejects his cereal because it gets soggy by the time he's taken four or five bites. But with the Honey Graham Oh's, he can still get that nice firm texture even after he's ignored the bowl for a good five or ten minutes. That is, if mommy hasn't helped him finish it before then.

When Pajamas Attack

So I realized the other night just why they recommend close-fitting pajamas for young children. I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. to Ethan's cries in the other room, and headed in to do a status-check. Okay, it wasn't right away; I tried to wait it out for a few minutes first and see if he fell back asleep. However, he kept it up and in fact got louder, so I figured that it was probably a wet diaper or something and hauled my tired self out of bed. I went in and he was sitting up in his crib, crying actual tears. I picked him up, took him over to the changing table, replaced his soaked diaper with a fresh one, and then brought him back to the crib. I rocked him for a minute or so and was about to put him back in bed when he finally started talking. He said "stuck, stuck" and wiggled his left arm back and forth where it was resting against my back (he usually wraps his arm around me while I rock him).

I helped him move his arm in front of me and then noticed something strange. His pajama shirt seemed to be pulled up or twisted, so that his stomach was exposed. Hmm, that's not normal... but then this pajama shirt is a bit loose, so maybe it just got pulled up. Well, he repeated "stuck" a few times and thrashed his arm around until I realized that the shirt wasn't just pulled askew-- it was wrapped so tightly around his shoulder that he could hardly move his arm. We sat down on the chair so that I could see more clearly what was going on, and that's when I figured out what happened. He had somehow stuck his left arm down the front of his shirt through the collar opening, then lifted his arm up and out, effectively pulling the shirt into a sort of tourniquet around his shoulder.

I can't believe I didn't notice that right away! And there I was, being tired and lazy and not even wanting to check on him. Would it have cut off circulation to his arm, if left there long enough? Thank god we'll never know! Either way, it convinced me of two things: (1) no more loose-fitting pajamas, and (2) check on children when they cry. Sure, it might only be an attempt to get attention and avoid having to go to sleep, but then it just might be a cry for help. And I'd far rather get up and change a diaper or say "it's time to sleep" and toss them back in bed, than not get up and find out too late that it was something I should've paid attention to right away. By the way, we're putting that shirt out of commission as a nightshirt, and moving it to the closet for daytime use only. And no more twisting in your PJs, Ethan!

Hair Affair

Knowing that I had an important interview approaching, I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a haircut on Saturday. Because it is one of the only salons I've ever been back to more than once, and because it is under $20 for a cut, I went to Modern Cuts in Roseburg Square (Modesto). And my stylist was awesome! She is young, but very good at listening to the client and giving you what you need, even if it's not necessarily what you think you need. I came in with a vague idea of what I wanted, showed her a few photos of what I'd had before at various times, and then she took over. She said that I would look great in an a-line cut, and then started working her magic. At the end, I looked like this:



... and couldn't be happier! It makes me feel so fashionable and classy and stylish. I'm confident that I can hold my own on the streets of San Francisco... except for the whole lacking-a-wardrobe-that-matches thing.

Now I just have to go back and ask Jessica how she did it. Replicating that look in front of my bathroom sink hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, even with the new (and functional, finally!) flat iron I bought to help achieve results. But trust and believe, friends; I will master it. Oh, yes, I will.

Dental Disaster: Epic Proportions

And so it continues. The fourth set of crowns has now been rejected, after they were put in and my sister took one look in the dentist's office before exclaiming, "Absolutely not! They look like she bought them at a Halloween store!" And it was true. They were so short as to be laughable, and the bottom of each front tooth actually angled up towards the center, making a sort of inverted "v" in the middle of my smile. On my tiny, teeny, short little front teeth. JEEZ LOUISE!!! What the heck, is one of the dental deities pissed off at me, or what? Will this ever end? What do I do if I go back another time, and it's still horrible? I feel like giving up on these damn things and going to another doctor, but I already owe $1660 on these-- which means I no longer have enough on my Care Credit account to even *go* to another dentist!

(sigh)

I am seriously so disappointed. Not much else to say, except that I pray that I can get that job; at least then I'd have insurance, and thus another option for getting my teeth fixed before Christmas.

Toothy Endeavors

Later this morning, I have my umpteenth visit with the dentists at Standiford Family Dental. Way back in July, my adventures in toothlessness began... and they have yet to end. This is I believe the fourth time I've gone back for my permanent crowns, and I have serious doubts that they will be up to par. Again. Every time, there is something seriously wrong with the crowns. The first set were so oddly angled that they stuck out of my closed mouth and rested visibly on my lips, a la the most stereotypical set of buck teeth you can imagine. The second set were laying atop each other, tilted at a strange angle, one tooth was super-thick, they arched like a Mickey D's sign, and they left me with gaps all around the teeth. The third set, which I just went in to get fitted a couple of weeks ago, were so short that they were smaller than the teeth on either side. AND they also gave me gaps in between my teeth and on each side, which seems to be a theme with this office.

What the heck, people?! How many times do I have to go back before they get it right? How long am I going to be stuck going here? Well, I have one answer: This is the last time. If they don't look good today, I'm going to go back to my old dentist, the one I can't really afford, and get it done right. At this point, I don't care how much it costs. If I have to, I'll go to small claims court, file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and the Dental Board of California Consumer Affairs Dept., and anyone else I have to in order to get this taken care of right. Who knew good dentists would be so hard to find?

Grocery Reality.

We spend too much on food. I freely admit it. I love food, and I love to shop for it, and I love to cook it. (Did I mention I often enjoy eating it, as well?) I love to prepare food for parties, and make cute and tasty little appetizers or finger food for people to enjoy... but I also need to face the facts that we are currently in the midst of an economic crisis the likes of which could put us under if we're not careful. I've been searching for ways to cut back on costs, and I think that the main cuts will have to take place in a couple of areas: Entertainment, and Groceries. Since I'm the one in our house who's responsible for the food, I'm going to be the one who has to exercise discipline in this instance.



Luckily, I found an awesome blog-post about doing just what I want to do-- cut down food costs, while keeping my family eating healthy-- on The Frugal Kitchen blog, posted all the way back in 2007. It describes a month-long Basic Frugal Meal Plan that will feed a family of ten. TEN!! For less money than I spend each month on a family of three, plus random friends who pop in every week, this woman is able to satisfy the stomachs of ten people. This is really inspiring me to get my act together in regards to our diet and the spending related to it. After my interview Monday afternoon, I'll work on our own meal plan and budget, and post it when I'm done. I plan on adjusting her meal plan to our preferences (like, less eggs/bread and more seafood), but here's the gist of it:

(B)= breakfast (S)= supper

1st Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked chicken and rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls
2nd Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) burgers, oven fries, frozen vegetables
3rd Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked chicken and rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls
4th Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked fish, rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls

every Monday: (B) scrambled eggs (S) vegetable soup, breadsticks
every Tuesday: (B) fried eggs (S) skillet meal *, bread and butter
every Wednesday: (B) oatmeal (S) beans and rice, tortillas
every Thursday: (B) fried eggs (S) vegetable soup, breadsticks
every Friday: (B) pancakes (S) skillet meal *, bread and butter
every Saturday: (B) fried eggs (S) beans and rice, tortillas

Grocery Heaven?

Just found this printable grocery list template-- The World's Best Grocery List, apparently-- at www.keepandshare.com, and decided that I LOVE IT! I'm printing it out to use today, and already like the way it's organized. Instead of scribbling my lists on the backs of scrap paper, I can actually plan out my shopping trip and get it done more efficiently. With a toddler along for every grocery store trip, that means way less headaches for me (and for him!), and a much happier day for everyone involved. I'll report back later to let you know how it went... and if it lives up to its name!

It's in the Eyes...

Where did he get those eyes? They are such a beautiful shape, and so different from anyone in my family. His daddy says that he had similar eyes when he was young, and that he used to wish they were more like everyone else around him instead. I just adore the way his eyelid curves out from the inner corner of his eye, and arcs into an almond shape, accented by long dark lashes. And then, when he smiles... his whole face becomes curved in joy and delight, and I can't help but smile in response.

Hmm: The Artist Thinks

Ethan has really gotten into drawing lately. Usually on paper, but really any surface will do. He especially likes the little dry-erase markers, which I found actually do erase from the countertop (nice!) but not from skin or clothing (bummer). Yesterday he was drawing and started doing the funniest thing; I'm not sure where he saw it, or if he just came up with it on his own. He would draw a line or two and then pause, hold up his finger to his mouth as if pondering the way his drawing looked, and say "hmmmm..."



It was so funny! It was just like he was thinking to himself, "I'm not sure if this jagged blue line really goes next to this straight black line; perhaps a bit more emphasis on the left side of the page would really define my vision and allow the viewer to fully embrace the image I'm depicting." Then he would go back to his art, not just scribbling but in a very purposeful way laying down lines and zigzags and all of the right marks just where they belong-- punctuated every so often, of course, by a gentle "Hmmm...."

Sacramento

Joel got hired! I'm pretty sure I already said this, but he actually starts work on Monday (tomorrow) up in Sacramento. He'll be staying there Monday through Wednesday, which will be tough for all of us... but it's worth it. He'll be making a base pay plus commission for doing things like graphic design, ad sales, and computer tech support for a man who is starting a new business magazine. I just want everything to work out for him, for once; it's time he got some positive feedback from the universe!

This is a true Renaissance man, a jack-of-all-trades, a versatile worker who can master just about anything he sets his mind to, seemingly without much effort. He is mechanically adept, technologically savvy, musically inclined, and a creative problem-solver. He is very much into the logistics of how things work and work together and come apart, but he is also an artist and photographer and sees the world with a very unique vision. His greatest strength is the way he can dedicate himself to a project, focus all of his energy, education, and hands-on learning to mastering it, and then put his own spin on it-- usually improving a process or the entire project.

I'm proud of him for taking this chance and hope that it allows him to see that hard work and innovation actually DO pay off. Maybe this time, our goals are going to a little easier to reach...

Tuscan Whole Milk

photo by auggy, on amazon.com

I found this collection of product reviews for Tuscan whole milk a long time ago, and laughed so hard I cried. It's just too funny to keep to myself, so here you go. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the read. Some of the comments go beyond funny to sheer comic genius; these people should be writing books, or at least comedy shows. For example, here are a few tidbits from some of the reviews:

"One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk..."

"I bought this milk a few days ago; it arrived today, and when I opened it, it was a literal explosion of rainbows and kittens. No cows could have made this milk. No, I suspect unicorns."

"It made sense to me to try and replace my dog's blood with Tuscan Whole Milk. I assumed it would give him superpowers. It did not..."

I could read these things for hours!!! The main page for the product is here, in case you wanted to see the actual milk container.

Recipe: Onion Pie

It's like a quiche, but somehow "onion pie" just sounds so much more homey and Southern. I got the recipe from Allrecipes.com, and adjusted it to what we like and the ingredients we had in the kitchen. Served it as a side dish at dinner, but I can see bringing it to a potluck or brunch. Yum!

Ingredients

* 1 1/2 cups Panko crumbs (Italian seasoned or onion-garlic)
* 6 tablespoons butter, softened
* 2 cups chopped onions
* 1/2 cup slivered or diced ham
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 3/4 cup milk
* 2 eggs
* 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
* 1/2 cup provolone
* 1 pinch paprika
* 1 1/2 tablespoons slivered fresh basil (topping)
* 1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan (topping)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a mixing bowl, combine Panko and 4 tablespoons butter in a bowl until well blended. Press into the bottom and 1 inch up the sides of 8 inch pie plate to form a shell. Refrigerate until needed.
3. Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter in heavy skillet over medium heat. Saute onions slowly until translucent, about 5-8 minutes. Add minced garlic and saute an additional 2-3 minutes. Arrange onions and garlic in the cracker crust.
4. Beat eggs, whole milk, chives, and salt in a bowl until blended. Add ham. Pour the mixture over the onions. Sprinkle with cheese and paprika. Top with basil and Parmesan.
5. Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) oven for 30-35 minutes, or until a knife comes out clean. Serve hot or at room temperature.

Sprinkle It, Just a Little Bit

Ethan loves water. And he loves hoses, and faucets, and sprinklers. And he especially loves turning those on and off, repeatedly, whenever he goes outside. He runs straight for the faucet, and BOOM! Water everywhere. And I mean, everywhere.



Even when he gets soaked to the skin, he just goes back for more. Now there's a kid who knows how to enjoy life!

In Memoriam

How do you remember someone who was here so short a time? The same way you remember anyone else you've loved... with your whole heart, forever.

Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant…
Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the way it touches and lifts the soul
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful…
And when something has enriched your life
And when its melody lingers on in your heart.
Is it unfinished?
Or is it endless?

- Author Unknown

Like Mother, Like Son?

It is so strange to have a child that looks basically nothing like me, from our eye color to our hair color to the quirky little facial characteristics that distinguish us from other people...



He still resembles Joel, especially Joel as a child, when he had blond hair and pretty much the same face Ethan has (except hazel-green eyes instead of blue). The one thing Ethan does have of mine is my fair skin-- but he also gets golden tan in the sun, just like his daddy. What the heck, people? Don't I get one that looks like me at all?

All joking aside, this is one handsome kid... if I do say so myself. I can't wait to see what he looks like as he grows older and begins to look like the man he'll become. I certainly changed quite a bit growing up, so I'm really curious to see how maturing changes him, too. If you don't quite believe me, check out this blast from the past. Do you see me in it?



I'm the one on the right. My older sister Jennifer is above me, and my twin sister Stefanie is on the left. Oh, the times, how they change...

Job possibilities...

Just as we are getting into the roughest spot we've been in for a long time, I finally got some good news: I was invited to participate in TWO upcoming job interviews! Not only that, but Joel was just offered a job working for a magazine out of Sacramento, and the cool part is that he can telecommute (work from home) most of the time. Could it be that our luck is finally starting to turn around?

My two job options include working for a college in Stockton as the coordinator of a program assisting youth transitioning out of foster care, and working with the City of Modesto as a human resources analyst. Although I know that most of my career seems to have been spent leading me to the first job, I am actually leaning strongly towards the HR position. I feel like it is simply time to leave the field of social services for awhile, and explore different fields. Social service programs can be so draining, because I tend to "take home" the tragic stories of the people I'm supposed to be working with instead of leaving it at the office.


(See more comics from Toothpaste for Dinner)

The HR analyst job would allow me to use my skills in organizing, writing, planning and scheduling events, and working with people without all of the baggage that comes from working in a field dedicated to helping those in crisis. I am going to work really hard at preparing myself for this interview, and make it happen. That job is going to be mine, period! The interview is on the 18th, so hopefully I should have some news in just a few weeks. Wish me luck!

One Moment More

Going through this highly emotional time alongside my sister has really brought up some of my own issues. During the week that we were out at Burning Man this year, I was very sick for the first few days. As each day turned to the next, I felt worse and worse-- cramping, major muscle pains, back aches and stomach cramps so strong that I would stop walking and just bend in half to deal with the pain. I felt nauseated, fatigued, achy, and just plain terrible. The pain continued to get worse until Wednesday, when it hit its peak. I was having feverish sweating, shivering and sick and curled up in the fetal position for half the day... and then, that evening, I went to the bathroom and realized that I was miscarrying. I estimate it was probably about 8-9 weeks along. But how could this have happened?? I was on birth control (the Pill), but wasn't taking it very carefully or exactly at the same time every day. Still, I had no idea that I could be pregnant... until I wasn't anymore.

Perhaps my body knew more than me, though, because a few days before we left for Burning Man I had what I thought at the time was just a stress-dream/nightmare about leaving our son behind with his aunt. I dreamed that our child passed away, and we decided to take his body with us in a coffin to be cremated at Burning Man. What a terrible dream! But what made it somehow less terrible was when I realized, that next Wednesday, that I had lost a child, and that I had brought that child with me to Burning Man. It just wasn't Ethan; it was the pregnancy that ended, for who knows what reason, while I was out there. It made me feel as if someone from another plane was trying to prepare me for the future loss; I just didn't understand that at the time.

I may write more about this experience later, but for now I just wanted to share a little bit, and also link to a song that has really been speaking to me this week. It seems to capture what it feels like to want just a little more time with someone, just a touch or a glance or the sound of a voice... anything to connect with them one more time.

Mindy Smith - "One Moment More"