Monday, January 12, 2009

Happy Anniversa-month, Ethan!

I can hardly believe it's already been one month since he was born. And I can't believe I'm still having such a hard time saying his name; instead I say "the baby" or "Baby," because I just haven't gotten used to his name yet. Maybe it's because he's so small yet; he just doesn't seem big enough for a full name, for some reason. I remember we felt the same way about my niece Leila; she seemed too small for her name at first. Or maybe it's we who are too small; we can't see the huge personality tucked inside that tiny body, and we simply see an "infant" instead. I know that I will eventually become accustomed to saying "Ethan"... I probably just need to say it more often (practice makes perfect, right?).

It's strange... sometimes, when I look at him, I am amazed all over again that he's here, that we actually have a child, that I'm finally a mom, that I am responsible for this little human being now. But then, other times, it seems like he has always been here, has always been part of the fabric of our lives, woven in between us and through us and impossible to disentangle... That's actually what I feel most of the time. People keep asking me "Wow, can you believe you're actually a mom now?" But I think it's really their own feelings of shock that they are trying to get at, not mine. I think that must be why we have 40 weeks of pregnancy-- so that we can get used to the idea of parenthood slowly, daily, bit by bit, until it becomes such a natural thing that you don't even notice when it became a permanent part of you.

I never knew it would be like this, that's for sure; this feeling of everything being so right, so sure, so complete. He has only been here with us-- on his own, I mean, out of the womb-- for one month, but I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what I would do without him around; I don't think I'll ever be able to hear another story about a parent losing a child without losing it. He was so dear to me while I was pregnant, but now that I can see his face, feel his warm little body pressed up against me, touch his delicate hands and feet, and hear him making those little grunts and sighs that babies make, he is even more precious to me-- if that's possible. What did I do to deserve this beautiful boy? I feel so honored to have the chance to be his mother... I just hope I can give him everything that he deserves, and be the kind of mom he needs.

On that somewhat sappy note, I'll sign out. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment