Friday, February 13, 2009

Anticipation... but not the good kind

Next week I am supposed to start Ethan at daycare... and I can hardly bear it! It has been a really rough week for me. I've been feeling so burdened by the thought of having to take him to daycare and go back to work at the office, and my emotions are on a roller-coaster. I've felt so overwhelmed by all of this... and it's made me start to pull back and distance myself. Now, intellectually, I realize that I am doing that in order to save myself from pain, and preserve a little bit of sanity, by removing myself from the source of stress. Knowing something doesn't necessarily mean you know how to stop doing it, though, or how to fix it. I don't want to feel distant from my son or husband, but I feel like if I am too close to them, I will simply lose it and drown in tears because of this deep sorrow over losing this time with my baby and my family. I feel like I haven't stopped crying all day... and it's just exhausting.

Maybe it's because it's Friday the 13th. Or maybe it's because it's just too soon to go back. Who knows... all I know is, it will take an act of God to get me into the office on Tuesday morning.

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