Friday, September 18, 2009

Searching for Hope

It seems like once we get on a good roll, something has to happen to change everything, forcing us to start over from scratch. I have to admit that I'm a worrier, so things like this tend to upset my world a bit. I like to have things tidy, organized, and running according to plan most of the time, though I'm not extremely rigid about the minute details. (Or so I'd like to think...) I really like to know what's going to happen next, and I know that I tend to have a difficult time just letting go and being completely spontaneous and free about things.

It was a lot easier to be like that when I had $30,000 in the bank, a good job, no debt, and no major responsibilities beyond myself. Now things are just a little bit different-- no savings whatsoever, laid off and receiving unemployment (but only until December), and caring for a 9-month old son who depends on me and his dad for everything. It makes every decision that much more heightened for me, and really puts my character flaws on display. I've seen myself become even more of a worrier, more anxious about security and stability, more concerned about income and bills... and then, of course, I take it out on those around me because it increases my tension, shortens my temper, and pulls my already tight nerves even further.

Is there a positive end in sight? It's all I can hold on to, the belief that things will get better for us, and that eventually we will be stable enough to go out and do the carefree, adventurous things we've always wanted to do-- without worrying about how that will impact our real lives, financially or otherwise. I've decided to just let go of the worries and let life flow around me for awhile. What has the worrying done for me, anyway? Just caused more stress and more problems. So I'm evicting it from my life. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the time with my family, and visualize a bright and happy future. Things will improve.

No comments:

Post a Comment