The Sick Saga

Still sick, but hopefully on path towards wellness. I actually got sent home from work on Tuesday by my manager, who was nervous about (a) getting sick himself and (b) me being too sick to come to work Wednesday, when we have an extremely important meeting with one of our biggest, newest, most sensitive HOAs. So I left after only an hour and a half, which means my paycheck will be docked by around $80, and then went to the urgent care ($100) to get meds ($40). Went home and still felt miserable, so I started hunting around for favors-- anyone who could help me go pick up Ethan and possibly watch him a little bit in the evening. Any takers? Of course not. My sister is still recovering from her throat/nasal surgery and is on meds, and my parents were unreachable (turns out, they'd actually been at the same-day clinic themselves).

So I called my friend, who earlier in the day had told me that she was off work and just sitting around. Unfortunately, when I explained that I was feeling horrid and didn't even know if I could drive out there to the daycare, she said "Oh, no..." and then said that I could drive him over, drop him off for a couple of hours, and then come back and pick him up again later. Um, yeah... except that I can hardly drive over to daycare, let alone jaunt across town to her place and back, twice. Then a few minutes later she said that she'd forgotten about an appointment she had that evening and couldn't watch him after all. So much for friends helping out in your time of need.

In spite of that, I stupidly asked her if she was free on Wednesday evening, and if so could she babysit for two hours while I was at the crucial business meeting. She replied, a few hours later, "I can cancel my plans if you really need me"... which to me is a pretty obvious no. You know, because I didn't make it clear earlier that I did. I told her not to worry about it-- not that I think she did-- and wrote it off as yet another person I can't rely on.

Whatever happened to the days when your friends and neighbors rallied around to help you out, bring food, watch your kids, and just generally give a little bit of time or effort when you were sick or hurting? Guess those days were buried with Rockwell.

Closing My Ears

A dear friend (T, you know who you are!) has suggested that I make a change in my life... and not a small one, either. You see, she has accurately determined that one of my besetting problems is that I listen to much to others' opinions-- solicited or not-- about how to live my own life. In fact, sometimes I make decisions based on what people might or might not say, think, or do; whether or not they've even done or said anything! For example, I debated for a long time about getting an augmentation done, and the majority of the reasons were not financially based, as you might have thought; instead, my worries were primarily about how I would deal with the people around me and their possible judgments. It turns out, I haven't had any really negative reactions (or at least none that I've heard about!), and also haven't regretted the surgery one bit. In fact, it was one of the best things I've done for me in a long time.

So why do I care so much about other people's opinions? Is this why I'm so attracted to the idea of Burning Man? Because there, you can try to get out of the little box you've stuck yourself in, and be whoever you want without fear of judging or moralizing or negativity? Maybe it's something I need to start practicing in "real life" too; less regard for what other people might say or think about my actions, and more regard for how it makes me feel and how true it is to my real self. Now, there's a goal I can work on for the next few decades. One more step on the path to enlightenment!

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

We did it! We put on our ugliest Christmas-themed sweaters and went out to a house party thrown by one of Joel's friends, and now hopefully one of mine. It was a ton of fun; we don't typically get to have a night out on the town, or even a night *in*, without the baby, so this was a very nice break. We dropped Ethan off with a sitter and headed over to check out some very chintzy sweaters, congratulate their owners, and have a few holiday beverages to put a nice spin on the evening. I finally got to meet Joel's friend JH, whom I'd heard so much about for so long... she was great! Tons of fun, very energetic and outgoing, an awesome hostesss, and witty on top of all that. She seems like she'd be so much fun to hang out with, so I hope we both make good on our promises to keep in touch and set a date to get together sometime. It's so easy to say it in the moment, but much more difficult to actually buckle down and make real plans. Maybe it'll be my resolution for next year...

Anyway, without further ado, here are our amazing Christmas sweaters. Joel's by the way, won first prize. Can't wait to try to win again next year!

Just in case...

I love this kid. I mean it-- I really, really love this son of mine. And not just because he's so adorable, or he has such a sweet smile, or his chittery-chattery laugh is so infectious... I love him because he is this physical embodiment of everything that is good about me, and everything that is good about Joel, and everything that is good about people in general-- and I am lucky enough to be his mother. I get the honor of taking care of him and helping him learn how to live in this world we've made. I get to nurture him through the achy, sore, yucky times, and sing along with him through the fun, silly, happy times. It's an amazing gift, and I feel so lucky to be able to share this time with him.

And it's really crazy how much this experience-- motherhood-- has made me slow down and take in every moment as if there may never be another one. Watching my son sleep and play and gaze with curiosity at everything around him has made me strangely and intensely aware of my own mortality. I've been really fixated lately on making sure that Joel and I have wills done before we leave on our trip at the end of August. Not that I think anything is going to happen, mind you; it's more like a "just-in-case-something-happens-while-you're-gone" policy, right alongside getting life insurance and making sure you have someone to water the plants or pick up the mail. I can't imagine leaving for a long trip without the baby, and not having something written down that designates a guardian for him. And I want to have videos and pictures attached to the will or accessible to the guardians (and updated regularly, of course) so that he will always have these memories saved for him. And unfortunately, the more I think about this topic, the more morbid it sounds.

It's not that I want to focus on where Ethan would go if anything happened to Joel and me, or fixate on the possibility of death; but now that I'm a parent, I can't help but have something in place for my son. I am responsible for him, whether I'm here or not, and that responsibility will never end. Ever. So if there's anyone out there who hasn't made a will yet, or set up guardians for their kids, do us all a favor and get it done. The one thing a loving parent does not want is for their child(ren) to be stuck in a long, drawn-out court scene, and possibly in court custody, while their living situation is being figured out. Personally, I want to designate those guardians myself, and make sure my baby will be with someone who will love and cherish him just as his own parents would.

Okay, enough of the morose and depressing conversation. But, please: go write your will.

Hostess With the Mostest

Today I was lucky enough to travel with my mother, my sister, my niece, and my son to go visit family in Fresno. I say "lucky" not only because the company was great, but because my aunt is one of the best hostesses I know. She's amazing! She always has more than enough food for everyone, and it's always delicious. She has a mix of company varied enough that there is always movement, conversation, snippets of laughter, and interesting discussions going on in various parts of the house. And the best part of it all is that there is always a sense of love and warmth at her parties. It just feels so inviting and comfortable to spend time with her; it is the aura that I would think every hostess would strive for when having guests over. It's my goal to be like that, too, instead of what I usually am-- stressing over some minutiae that hardly matter, or worrying that there isn't enough fill-in-the-blank (beverage, food, seating, guests, etc. ad nauseum).

I'm thinking about starting up a mom's group in my city. There don't seem to be many options for those of us who stay at home but don't want to join one of those "Buy my product!" groups, where they get together ostensibly for fun but really to try to sell their energy bars or vitamins or whatever. I'd also *love* to get a ladies' game night going, one where we could play Mah Jongg or May I? or Scrabble, eat some cute finger foods, and maybe have a mojito or two. Maybe the reason why I'm taking so long to get either one of those going is because I'm too self-conscious about my hosting skills... I need some training, stat!

Friends

A close friend just reminded me that, when you need something, a true friend won't have to be asked-- they offer their help and support, because that's what friends do for each other. It really hit me somewhere vulnerable, somewhere my feelings and fears are hidden, somewhere I try to pretend I don't need other people and I am as independent as they come. It was as if someone just reached out and took the heavy grocery bag out of my hands, or started doing the sink full of dishes after a dinner party, or picked up the baby before I could even get to him when he started crying. It was a sort of unspoken willingness to be there and be a "partner in crime" that really got to me; it's what I've been lucky enough to have very few times in my life, and now I've got two amazing women in my life who are happy to be that kind of friend.

It's not so much that I didn't know that friends do those sorts of things; it's more that it is very easy to forget, and I need to be reminded every so often. It is so difficult for me to ask for help in the first place. It's like I have this driving need to appear completely capable and self-reliant at all times. Well, guess what? It's not so easy once you have a child around who is completely relying on you to be there for him 24 hours a day. Sometimes, you need a break, or some help, or a babysitter, or more than that-- sometimes (as is the case with Burning Man) you need an entire network of supporters who can tag team each other in and out of the babysitting ring, and god willing you have some loving, supportive, trustworthy people out there you can rely on for this most precious, special gig. And guess what? I do. Thank you to each of them for being that most cherished of people-- a friend.