A Friend's Pregnancy Loss

A former colleague from the junior high where I used to work just had the worst week of her life. She went in to her 38 week prenatal appointment with no fears whatsoever, and received the worst news any parent could ever wish to hear: Her baby boy, Alexander, didn't have a heartbeat. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck three times, and he passed away in utero. She was induced, and had to deliver the baby the next day, which meant that she had to go home that night with that horrendous news weighing on her mind.

The thing is, a bad end to her pregnancy was completely unexpected. They had a totally uneventful and stress-free pregnancy, with zero complications and zero problems; she never even got morning sickness or stretch marks, it was that easy. Then, right at the last minute, this horrible tragedy occurs... it was devastating just to find out about it, let alone imagine what she and her husband are going through right now. They had just posted these adorable photographs of the way they'd lovingly and creatively decorated the baby's room, too; now they get to go back to that same room empty-handed, and decide what to do with it. I've now been through this with a cousin, sibling, and a friend, plus myself (very early stage of course), and I can't imagine the people who deal with this sort of terrible news all the time-- counselors, social workers, grief or hospice aides, etc.-- how do they do it?

My heart is breaking all over again to know that yet another woman has lost her child, and before she even got a chance to know him; I'm hoping and praying that she and her husband find the strength and support they need to find a way through the grief, the pain, and all of the other emotions surrounding this tragedy.

One Moment More

Going through this highly emotional time alongside my sister has really brought up some of my own issues. During the week that we were out at Burning Man this year, I was very sick for the first few days. As each day turned to the next, I felt worse and worse-- cramping, major muscle pains, back aches and stomach cramps so strong that I would stop walking and just bend in half to deal with the pain. I felt nauseated, fatigued, achy, and just plain terrible. The pain continued to get worse until Wednesday, when it hit its peak. I was having feverish sweating, shivering and sick and curled up in the fetal position for half the day... and then, that evening, I went to the bathroom and realized that I was miscarrying. I estimate it was probably about 8-9 weeks along. But how could this have happened?? I was on birth control (the Pill), but wasn't taking it very carefully or exactly at the same time every day. Still, I had no idea that I could be pregnant... until I wasn't anymore.

Perhaps my body knew more than me, though, because a few days before we left for Burning Man I had what I thought at the time was just a stress-dream/nightmare about leaving our son behind with his aunt. I dreamed that our child passed away, and we decided to take his body with us in a coffin to be cremated at Burning Man. What a terrible dream! But what made it somehow less terrible was when I realized, that next Wednesday, that I had lost a child, and that I had brought that child with me to Burning Man. It just wasn't Ethan; it was the pregnancy that ended, for who knows what reason, while I was out there. It made me feel as if someone from another plane was trying to prepare me for the future loss; I just didn't understand that at the time.

I may write more about this experience later, but for now I just wanted to share a little bit, and also link to a song that has really been speaking to me this week. It seems to capture what it feels like to want just a little more time with someone, just a touch or a glance or the sound of a voice... anything to connect with them one more time.

Mindy Smith - "One Moment More"

Camo Cheese Attack

"Joel, do you know where Ethan is?"


"No, haven't seen him..."


"And I can't seem to find the cheese, either."


Sneaky monkey!

Blankie Love

This baby blanket was handmade for our son by a friend, Vy. Ethan absolutely adores his blankie, and has it with him whenever times are tough-- when he's sick, tired, or feeling miserable. And I have photo proof!

When he was a feverish sickie, and wouldn't leave my lap:


When he was teething and couldn't bear to put any food in his mouth:


When he is just waking up and still feeling a bit sleepy:


He loves that blankie!

Danger: Slide Warning

So, I totally injured Ethan yesterday afternoon. Not on purpose (OF COURSE), but while trying to keep him safe. Isn't that ironic? And yet, somehow, not really. I found a great article by Abbi Perets on the "She Knows Parenting" website discussing the ways that going down a slide with your child on your lap can be dangerous. It describes exactly why doing what I did-- placing baby on your lap, then sliding down together-- is actually a pretty common way to break your child's leg. Ethan didn't end up with a broken leg, thank God, but he easily could have. What the heck was I thinking? Why didn't I take better care of him and anticipate that he might get hurt? I guess that's the typical and everlasting lament of parenthood... and so it begins.

To continue, right after I felt his leg crush between my leg and the slide, I practically leapt off the slide and told my sister "I think I might have broken his leg." He was wailing out these terrible cries, and we rushed him (through after-work traffic, of course) to the Kaiser Hospital emergency room. The gracious staff there (thank you to reception, nurses, radiology, Dr.Basi, and everyone else!) moved us rapidly from the emergency waiting room to an exam room and then straight on into the x-ray room. That last bit was painful-- both for Ethan, and for his mommy and auntie to watch-- because we had to hold his little ankle in various positions for them to get the best images. Ouch! The results came back faster than I would have thought possible, and showed that it was not a break. Instead, he was left with a very sore leg and ankle, and he can't put any weight on it right now without a lot of pain. It makes it very difficult to roll over, crawl, stand up, or walk, and pretty much everything that a happy, active toddler wants to do.

He's just miserable right now, poor thing. And I feel so guilty! I wish I would've read this article before taking him to the park yesterday. Guess it's time for the mommy of the year awards!

Baby Instructions

Came across this awhile back and thought I'd share... very helpful for those moments when you're just not quite sure what to do. Keep posted around the house for constant reference. Also nice for babysitters to check out when they get confused. The instructions come from a book called Safe Baby Handling Tips, by David and Kelly Sopp. One example of their very helpful tips:


I had originally posted an entire selection of instructional diagrams on my blog, before thinking about it more and realizing that I was patently infringing upon their copyrighted material. These are published authors who have written a smart, entertaining, very affordable book chock-full of great illustrations and hilarious commentary. Who am I to try to rip them off for a couple of laughs? Let's give credit where it's due, and the credit goes to Mr. & Mrs. Sopp. Thank you for your work, folks-- a sense of humor is long overdue in many of the fine parents I know. Here's hoping your book can help bring it back to life!

Hubba Honda

Joel really likes his Honda. And by "really likes," I mean loves. And by "loves," I mean he thinks it's great and all but can't wait to get a slighter bigger one someday. Ah, the fickle nature of man.


He just changed the handlebars to lower them and make them more like a cafe racer. And the lights, and a few other things... all I know is, it looks great. And Ethan thinks it's awesome, too. He absolutely loves getting up there and playing around with the various buttons and knobs and controls on the motorcycle. And he can spend forever just tinkering around the bike, touching the shiny chrome and finding out where all the dirtiest parts are. Never a dull moment, as long as there are gears and metal pieces and tools and mechanical bits to play with. Like father, like son!

From One Mother to Another

I met a lovely woman today while shopping for some new shirts at Ross. She took one look at Ethan and started cooing, literally, in the middle of the aisle. I never know what to say in those situations; do I say "Thank you", as if I had anything to do with how cute he is? She even said "Your mama did a great job with you, little one." Does she mean that because he is smiling and relatively clean? I mean, it's true enough that we read far too many stories about terrible parents and probably know some ourselves, but still; is it right for me to take credit for how awesome Ethan is? We were surely blessed with this baby, and there are often doubts in my mind that we are worthy of such a magnificent reward in our lives. But there you have it: People absolutely adore this child. I smile all day long when I take him out with me, because people fall over themselves to come up and say "Hi" or just go ga-ga for awhile. It reminds me of how people fell in love with Leila when she was young, or even now, for that matter. There is just no way to resist the beauty and perfection of childhood and innocence and open smiles, so why try?

Anyway: My point was what this woman from Ross told me today. She said, "Enjoy your time with him, even when he's fussy or acting up, because it goes by so fast. My son is 23, and I remember him exactly this way, a small boy who can't even speak yet. It happens before you know it, and you will always see a baby next to your son, no matter how old he gets." Was she trying to make me burst into tears in the store, or what? Sheesh! I am a bit emotional this week; apparently, "things" are in motion in my life and I'm a bit sensitive lately. For instance, I cried earlier while watching The Wonder Pets with Ethan. Um, it's a kids' show. About baby pets who save other baby pets. Isn't crying a bit much of a response? But I can't help myself. When the hormones start kicking in, the very thin barrier I have erected between myself and my sometimes volatile emotions slowly dissolves, until I'm completely incapable of restraining my reactions. That was a warning of sorts: Stand back, people! I'm on the loose!

Hammer Time

I am setting my foot down. Finally. Ethan has been sick for the past several days, and his eating habits have suffered. I know it's miserable to try to eat and chew and swallow when your nose is congested and your ears probably hurt and your throat is sore, but then shouldn't drinking from a bottle also be difficult? He has given up on food almost entirely over the past few days, preferring to take only liquid, and only from a bottle. After perusing several online forums where parents are lamenting their children's eating habits (or lack thereof), I decided to take a stand-- and a tough one. No more bottles. Period. And the only time he will get milk is at his three mealtimes, and then it will be out of his sippy cup only. The only time he'll be offered juice will be with his snacks at snack time-- no more offering the juice cup throughout the day, and no more bottle of milk to help him get sleepy and take his naps or go to bed at night. We'll still offer him water during the day, but no juice and no milk except at meal/snack times.

And guess what? It's already working! This morning, he wouldn't eat breakfast, even after offering him food and then leaving it on his tray for him to eat or not eat. After about half an hour, we took away the food and then gave him his first 4-5 oz. of milk in a sippy cup. He drank it down. Then, no more food until snack time-- at which point he finally ate something and drank his watered down juice. After that, nap time, with a catch: No bottle first. He had a tough time with that one, cried for a bit, and then boom! Out like a light. When he woke up, it was lunch time, and guess what? He actually ATE! Not a ton, but enough to make me believe in this new strategy. He also ate his p.m. snack and juice/water just fine, and then went to nap again without a bottle first-- but no crying this time. Yahoo! So nice to see success right away. It may still be a bumpy ride for a little while, but this really feels great so far. Look, if he loves eating lemon rind, can real food be far behind?

Wedding Date Night

We have friends who are getting married soon-- one couple, this May, and the other couple are still trying to pin down a date-- and we are hoping to hook up some overnight babysitting so that we can attend as a couple instead of as parents. Is that selfish? Is it wrong? Is it heartless to think of leaving our one and a half year old son at home so that we can go enjoy ourselves out of town? Some people might think so, but we think that it's actually being considerate of the couples in question, as well as thinking about what is most comfortable for ourselves and Ethan. He isn't going to enjoy himself if he is required to be still, be quiet, and behave for several hours. We aren't going to enjoy having to ride herd on an active, curious, playful toddler who just wants to get up and run around and climb on everything he can see. The guests and the bride and groom certainly wouldn't enjoy witnessing what happens when a hungry, tired, grumpy child decides to inform the world about his emotional state. So why not spare us all the grief and set up a sitter? It would be so, so nice to be able to use that time as a "date night," too, and enjoy hanging out with our friends for the first time in a long time sans kiddo. Maybe they'll go with a fortune cookie theme...

The first wedding is in May. Can't wait to see our pals again, and catch up on their lives. By then, one of our friends will have had her first baby-- a boy. It's funny, in a way; of all the couples (originating with Joel's friends from San Jose State), we were the ones who met last, and were the first to get married and then start a family. After us, the next to get married was P&C and then D&V in summer 2008, and now in summer 2010 it'll be G&K, followed by J&A sometime this year (or next). P&C are the ones about to welcome their new baby boy into the world, and then who knows who's next? We started a trend!

Molar Bear

My little boy has shown his first molars! He's been having a rough time lately with his teething, because two sets of teeth are trying to come in on his bottom row at the same time; molars in the back and the "canines" in the front. The molars won the race, but man, those were a doozy. He has been resisting eating food since this whole process started a couple of weeks ago, and prefers milk and soft soft purees instead. I can see why, though; when your gums and teeth hurt, you can hardly do anything without pain. Just feed me soup and milkshakes, thanks, because this chewing stuff is for the birds! Well, I guess not for the birds, exactly, because they don't actually chew, but still... you get the point.

Speaking of chewing food and such, I also found a website that generates menus for your infant/crawler/toddler, with suggestions for different types of meals and snacks they should be eating according to their stage of development. As it's provided by a vendor (Gerber), they obviously will be promoting their own products throughout, but it's still a great guide for meal ideas and can be modified depending on your preferences or the baby's dietary needs. Reading it, though, I feel like I'm starving my baby! They give them sooo much food; seriously, I don't know how he would eat that much. Maybe it's because he's still getting too much milk, and is getting full on liquid instead of solids, but that is a whole lotta food to be shoveling down his gullet.

For instance, although it's pretty small and you probably won't be able to read it, here is page 1 of his recommended menu:

... and that's only page 1, of 2!! Go check out the website I linked to above, though, because the menus are pretty durn cool. It gives great ideas for how to include a wide variety of fruits and veggies in their diet, as well as different textures and styles (eat with fingers, eat with spoons, etc.). Definitely an inspiration for me. Yep, I guess it's time to start the *real* feeding... wish me luck!

To Try, or Not To Try... for Segundo

This is a big decision. We aren't planning on starting on an addition to our family until one of us gets a full-time job with benefits, but we'd both assumed that, once we got secure, we would go ahead and try for another bambino. The thing is, I'm hearing a lot of cautionary tales and questioning comments from people asking us if we're really sure, and I mean really, really sure, that we want another child. It wasn't really a question I'd seriously posed to myself; I just knew (know?) that I want more than one kid. I mean, if we'd met earlier and been able to start having children earlier in our lives, I'd probably want to go for three; at this point, though, I'm not willing to do more than one more pregnancy, because I'm not very thrilled about having babies after 40. That gives me about two more years, then, because at the end of this year I'll hit 38 and be qualified-- again-- as "advanced maternal age," lucky me.

The arguments people make include things like how much time we'd be able to give two kids, especially if both of us are working; how much money it costs to raise a child (especially meaningful when both of us are less than fully employed right now); how it will affect our lives as a couple; how it will affect us physically as we age with little ones; and so on. The thing is, most of the people who are offering up the "devil's advocate" position already had their kids a decade or more ago; they are our age, but parents of a ten or twelve year old. For them, I could see maybe not wanting to start all over with a newborn. For us, though, it's so recent that it's not a huge shift in perspective to think about having another baby. And we're already committed to raising Ethan, with all that goes along with that-- a change in how we take trips, or vacation, or go out on dates, or take on new jobs, and so on and so forth. We are already on that path; is it really that much harder to add another little one to the mix?

For now, I think we'll stick with the original idea, and start on our next bundle of joy as soon as we're able to... and I can't wait. How could I, after having such an awesome experience the first time? :)

The Wean

So, I've finally come to the conclusion that it's time to start the weaning process. Ethan sits up well, eats solid food, likes to use his spoon to "feed" himself (kind of), and is turning one year old this week. To all intents and purposes, he is ready to be off the bottle. But am I ready? That's the real question... How many parents admit that they don't wean their child off of the bottle because they don't want to lose those precious moments of holding and cuddling their baby while he drinks his milk? I'm not necessarily proud of myself, but I do love those times we spend together, when he holds my fingers while I hold the bottle... even though he never really looks at me like they describe in those parenting magazines, with that wide-eyed gaze that looks straight into your soul-- I always wanted that, but he just isn't an eye-contact-while-drinking kind of kid.

Anyway, even without the eye contact, it is a special, intimate, snuggly time for both of us, and I'm not sure how I'm going to do without it. As for Ethan, he is really struggling with the switch over to a sippy cup. It might be partially because he usually takes his formula/bottle warm, while the whole milk is cold from the fridge. Should I be warming his milk now, too? Should I be leaving his formula cold-ish so that he starts getting used to the temperature change? Should I stop asking so many questions and just go with my gut? Tune in next week, same time, for the jaw-dropping answers! (Or maybe not.)

"Mama..."

Ethan started saying "mamamama" this week. It's not like they show in the movies, where a baby looks up at you with these angelic eyes and says "Mama" with a sort of wonder and joy that transcends words. No, it's more of a process than that. First, they start sort of babbling the syllables that you want to hear, then, they babble them while looking at you or when they want you, and then, slowly, they figure out that it's only the two repetitions that you need-- Dada, or Mama-- and then you're golden. So far, he's starting to get that the dada sound goes with Joel and the mamamama sound gets my attention the fastest. He will even say dada by itself, which is cool, but has just barely started on the mama's. Still... it's the sweetest thing ever, and I'm thrilled.

He also just started with another word. My parents have a cat that Ethan is enthralled with right now. He follows her around the house like she's the best thing in the world, and she tries to keep just a step or two out of reach the whole time. Sometimes, we fool her by holding him in our lap and calling her over so that he can pet her from the relative safety of an adult's body-zone, and he absolutely loves it. We call her so much that he decided to do it the other day-- "Ki-ki" and even, once or twice, "Ki-di"-- how awesome is that? He's calling the kitty! I know, I know, a minor event to be so happy about, but I warned everyone earlier that I could very easily turn into one of those obnoxiously easy-to-please parents who just has to tell everyone about junior's little accomplishments. Except that this is such a big accomplishment that it only makes sense for me to tell the world, right? Uh, right?

Eleven Months Old!

I really can't believe how quickly time is flying this year... it seems only moments ago I was pregnant, and then holding a tiny newborn in my arms, and now... well, now he is almost a little boy, already. He's taking independent steps, walking up to five feet at a time without assistance and without falling over. He's not quite talking yet, but is babbling up a storm, and I can just tell that any minute he'll bust out into speech. We're starting to teach him baby signs, so hopefully that will help with the whole communication angle until he can get a better grasp of spoken language. I'm also starting to plan out what to do for his first birthday, in less than a month.

One plan is to make a slideshow-DVD chronicling the pregnancy and the past year of his life. The problem is, how do I find the time? Being a stay-at-home mom of a toddler means that you are almost constantly moving, or otherwise engaged with your child. There doesn't seem to be enough time to do the things I *need* to do around the house, like clean or cook or keep the yard from looking derelict. How am I supposed to squeeze in time for creative projects, even those that are so close to my heart, like poetry and scrapbooking? And blogging... this is such a rarety, to have a few moments to spare on my computer. I lunge at them and devour the time, because I know it will not last. Sort of like life, I guess... and there's the baby, calling out for me, so off I go!

Halloween at Farmer's Market

We took Ethan down to the Modesto Certified Farmer's Market on Saturday morning, and had a great time parading him around with all of the other dressed up kids. Joel and I were two of maybe five parents who dressed up with their kids, which I think is very sad-- pathetic, even. What are we teaching our kids when we can't get creative and brave and imaginative with them? We should be able to dress up, act weird, be silly, play games, and have fun with our kids; how else are they going to learn how to be a fully rounded person as they grow up? I mean, that is one of the things I loved about Burning Man-- the chance to play dress up, play pretend, put on a character or personality trait along with my costume, and try on a different persona for a day or an hour. It's really quite liberating.

Anyway, back to Ethan: His costume was, of course, adorable. I wish they'd had the costume parade a little earlier, though, because by the time 10:00 rolled around he was so tired from missing his nap (usually around 9:00/9:30) that he was not having fun at all. Oh well; at least we got some great pictures of him as a little monster. I mean, *dressed up* as a little monster. ;)

Our little monster, with his cowboy dad

We met a dog, and Ethan wanted to make friends. Quickly.

I'm the pirate wench, feeding Ethan some spinach bolani. The Afghani cooks who bring their amazing sauces (creamy garlic, sweet jalapeno) and delicious bolani (pumpkin, potato, or spinach-stuffed lavash) are probably my second-favorite vendors. Next to our bakery friends, who have the most mouth-watering chocolate-zucchini bread and pumpkin bread in the world. No, really. It's true.

Who can resist this little monster? He's my favorite!

Fall

This kid is cute, no question. But it's tough to get him to focus on the camera when there are other kids around. We took him to a pumpkin patch on Friday and had a mini photo shoot. It was almost impossible to get a shot of him looking at us, because there were so many other little ones running around that he was completely distracted the whole time. There was one little girl in particular who was entranced with Ethan, and kept coming over to stand right in front of him, just staring and reaching out but never quite touching him. Is this how early it starts? I can see we'll have our hands full. But as long as he sticks with kissing pumpkins, we'll be fine.

Outside... does it get any better?

This kid *loves* being outside. If he is ever upset, we just take him outside and boom! Crying fit ends, immediately. He'd play out there for hours, if his parents (ahem) would let him. As it is, it's more tiring than you'd think to be out there with him, because it's amazing how many things in our yard he can find to shove down his gullet. And because we're renting, we can't really do too much about getting rid of the cactus garden (ack!) or other major kid hazards out there. Until he gets over the oral-fixation stage and stops sticking everything he can get his hands on into his mouth, we just have to keep extra close when he plays outside.


Okay, maybe not *that* close. The good thing about his love for the outdoors is that it gets me out of the house. It's very easy to get caught up in just sitting here in the house. I've got my computer, my job search, my laundry and dishes and cooking and other household chores, and it all adds up to a lot of time indoors. Having him helps bring me out into the daylight, which I guess is good for you. Last week we took him out and were watching him stand and toddle around the yard.


Sounds boring, right? Well, color me lame, then, because I actually found it quite enjoyable. But then I've been slowing down a little lately, trying to savor every moment with him because I know how quickly they pass. It seems like only yesterday that I was tucking him into my shirt to keep him close to my skin, and now he is practically running around the house. He hardly seems like a baby anymore, but is looking more and more like a little boy. I think I'll cry when he starts talking... is it going to be like this for the rest of our lives? This joy mixed with melancholy, this attempt to record the present while memories run constantly in the background? It's like having a radio on in the kitchen and trying to watch a movie in the living room; how can I separate out the past I love, so that I can enjoy the present without feeling a sense of loss for what has been?

Waving Madness

Another milestone was hit last weekend: Ethan started waving bye-bye. We were at my parents' house, and my mom said "Bye bye, Ethan" while waving at him. Out of the blue, he just starts waving his right hand at her. We've been working with him on it for the past month or two, and he finally made the connection this weekend. How cool was that?

Oh, and we are hitting a really bad teething session right now. His gums have actually started bleeding a few times, which was scary to see. I'm probably going to start rubbing his gums with a damp cloth to help ease those teeth through, and help provide some comfort for him as well. Hopefully he lets me stick my finger in his mouth, as he has been very reluctant to let anyone near his teeth for the past few days. And no wonder!

Walker, Texas Walker

Last weekend, we hit a milestone. Ethan started walking! Well, toddling, really, but still-- it was awesome. We sat a few feet away from each other and sent him back and forth between us over and over again, just thrilled at his ability to keep balanced while taking those three or four steps alone. He was so excited about it, too. Sometimes he would get so excited that he would topple right over, but usually he would manage to keep upright long enough to get to one of us. We even got it on video; once I can figure out how to post that stuff on here, I'll get it going. I'm so happy for him; he has been really frustrated lately at his inability to get around the way he wants to-- by walking-- and I think that once he masters this, he'll be having tons of fun in no time. And by fun, of course, I mean that he'll be coming up with new and creative ways to get into every bit of trouble available in this house. Can't wait!