Thursday, August 13, 2009


It's amazing how easy it is to be disappointed in others. Maybe it's just me... maybe I set standards that are too high for anyone to reach, or maybe I don't communicate just how important certain things are to me, or maybe it's just that I am naturally a pessimistic person and so being disappointed is sort of what I expect out of life... who knows. Either way, it seems like the minute I find myself feeling positive and trusting towards someone else and relying on them for something, that is the exact moment when I find out that I can't actually depend on them the way I thought I could.

Why is that? Am I purposely blinding myself to the fact that I chose the wrong person to trust, or that I trusted that person with the wrong thing? Or am I expecting fallible people to never make mistakes? I wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the fault lies with me, rather than with anyone else. If I could just pinpoint what it is, maybe I could start to deal with it in a way that makes things a bit easier on everyone-- myself included.

I mean, it's no fairy tale going through life like this; it's a lot of pressure to worry and expect the worse, and more than that, to actually see your fears realized. There must be a way to be more accepting of others (and myself), and to be a bit more generous with my forgiveness. But right now, it feels like a betrayal every time, and it makes my heart pound, my pulse flutter, my skin flush, and my breath stick in my throat. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't seem to get my head straight while I'm dealing with all of the emotions brought on by shattered expectations.

I guess one solution would be to stop having them. Expectations, that is. But is it even possible? Or desirable, for that matter? I'm not sure. But then, it's midnight, and I'm not sure of much except that I'm feeling a bit like a sailor trying to come in for the night, and wondering why someone shuttered the lighthouse.

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