Monday, December 27, 2010


I've always been a daydreamer. Ever since I can remember, I've wandered away in my mind to other places, other times, other lives that were different or exciting or just better, by virtue of not being the one I was living. I'm not quite sure if that propensity for fantasy helped or hindered my attempts to live a real and genuine life, but it's always been a defining characteristic of mine.

For example, I always had this dream image of what my married life would be like. It would involve nights playing games with the kids, laughing at whatever silly thing we did to crack each other up... it would feature special moments where I watched my husband give my child a bath, or read them a bedtime story, or talk seriously together about bugs, moments that would make my heart ache with tenderness... it would be sprinkled liberally with times where my husband would set up a special evening together or surprise me with breakfast, or just reach across the couch and gently touch my arm while we watched the latest show together.


I don't know how much my daydreaming has informed the way I perceive my real life marriage and family, but I don't think it's helping me to feel contentment. Instead, I tend to have a vague feeling of dissatisfaction about how things are working out, as if there is something missing from the whole equation. It's like when you read a novel, and then watch the movie adaptation, and you feel a sense of loss because the film just can't capture the depth and breadth of a book-- you can't get a true picture of the characters' thoughts and feelings when an image has to replace paragraphs and possibly pages' worth of description. So, I'm left with a nagging sense of less-than, which constantly makes me question myself; am I impossible to please, or is my life really missing the mark in some way? And if the latter, what can I do to make my life *now* become the life I truly want? How do I make my daydream of married life a reality?

No comments:

Post a Comment