Regrets

This past weekend, we overindulged. And then, as usual when you go overboard, we said and did things that we shouldn't have-- things we didn't even quite remember the next day, but that happened nonetheless. The worst part is that it ended up hurting someone I care about, and that is a major problem. It has convinced me that I'm relying way too much on certain beverages right now to help me ignore or avoid major stress in my life-- things like, oh, I don't know, the complete lack of any income whatsoever and the inability to pay rent without borrowing (hopefully) a significant amount from someone else.

In a way, it seems too easy to use imbibing too much or being extremely stressed or even being over-tired as the reason why you acted badly... it really can be true, but it still sounds like just an excuse. The thing is, I've acted like a jerk many many times in my life without the option of blaming it on alcohol or exhaustion or whatever else could have triggered an explosion. Instead, I only had to look at my temper and my inability to control it, and then see myself as an angry or aggressive or, at the very least, impulsive person. I would say and do things, even to people that I cared deeply about, that I would later regret and feel terrible about. The difference is that this time, both of us really were almost completely out of it, and hardly remember what happened. Being told by someone else what you did or said makes things somehow even worse, because it forces you to realize that you allowed things to get so out of control that you couldn't even control your own words or actions. Very disheartening realization.



The other problem is that it wasn't just me who was involved. So now we have two people acting like jerks and flipping out, which just exacerbates the whole situation. It's best to just stay far away from people who have overindulged, because they are like swimmers flailing at their rescuers-- they can be almost more of a danger to the helper than to themselves. If there was any way to erase everything, we would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, there isn't. And so all we can do now is wait, and hope for forgiveness... eventually.