Saturday, January 23, 2010

But Why Change Yourself?

A dear friend posted a comment about my last blog, wherein I state that I've got one foot on the path towards plastic surgery, and can't wait to start kicking my heels down the road. She was questioning what I want to get done, and (I assume) why. Well, I started to respond via comments and then realized that my comment was turning into a post, so here is my response. Hope that it clears things up a bit...

I've wanted changes in my appearance for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's low self-esteem, or maybe it's responding to the blatant and abusive manipulation of the media, but I've never been entirely pleased with my appearance. The part that used to make me the least happy was related to the hair factor; I have always struggled with having too much in too many places, and being acutely conscious of it. I spent my teenage years (and early 20's, actually) with caterpillars crawling over my eyes, shag carpeting on my arms, and legs that felt like sandpaper mere hours after I'd shaved. My young niece used to refuse to sit in my lap if I had shorts on, because it scratched her skin too much. It was pretty bad, and I did whatever I could to remedy the problem. I've bleached, tweezed, used depilatory creams, been threaded, gone to electrolysis, and finally had laser hair removal. The last was of course the most effective, especially because I'm pretty pale and have very dark hair, which makes the laser treatment much more effective. (I guess this is where I'm supposed to be glad I'm not very tan?? Hmm...) Anyway, hair was my main focus back then, and I still haven't gotten to the point where I'd like to be in terms of reducing the type/amount in various places. But what I did at least helped things get to a more manageable and less noticeable state.

As for the rest of my body, I do believe in exercise and diet to keep things where they need to be-- but that won't fix certain areas. I've always felt that I have a sort of "questionable" femininity; partly because of the hair issue, partly because I feel that my facial features can really appear so harsh at times (they're just so pronounced, you know? chin, cheekbones, etc., so angled and sharp)... and partly because I am just slightly less than voluptuous. During and after the pregnancy, of course, those "womanly attributes" went through some major changes, and that just adds to this overall sense of feeling un-sexy, un-feminine, and unhappy. I never thought I'd have the nerve to actually pursue something like surgery, because I'm so afraid of the reactions other people will have. At this point, though, I'm finally ready. I want this for me; for my own sense of womanliness; for my own sense of beauty; for self-satisfaction; and for fun. And seeing as how it isn't going to hurt anyone, why not? I'm going for it, and I guess I'll just have to deal with the reactions-- good or bad-- as they come.

So, wish me luck. This is my last week as I am; starting Friday, I will begin the process of getting used to the new me. And I can't wait!

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