Punkin

My boy... I've been feeling a bit introspective and down lately, so I thought I'd spend a few moments just gazing at my darling Ethan and remembering how good life can be.



And it can be amazing, I know; it's just hard to keep that truth in mind when you feel overwhelmed by all of the things that leave you cold, tired, and aching at the end of the day. Or worse, at the start of the day, even before the enormity of what's ahead has truly begun to sink in. I'm not quite there right now, but I've been in that place before, and it's not pretty. Instead of going there again, I'm focusing on the many things in my life that are awesome and pleasant and satisfying and bring me happiness. Hopefully, it will make a difference in my attitude and my outlook on a lot of things. And how can I be sad, when I have this beautiful face to look at every day?

Wanted: Friends

I always thought I'd have more friends, at this stage in my life. I thought I'd be able to host dinner parties, or cocktail parties, or just hang out with various female pals, male buddies, couples, families, and so on... you know, the way friends do. Instead, my friends seem to be living too far away for regular contact, and I'm limited to Facebook, email, or cell phones for any sort of connection. I feel lonely all the time for genuine friendship, and I don't know what to do to change that. Whenever I meet people around town, it seems like they are already locked in to their own little cliques and their set of friends and family, and it's just too much work to fit another person into their lives. They seem great, but their lives are already booked. Mine, on the other hand, seems to have a permanent "Vacancy" sign blinking above it, like those old motels along an empty stretch of highway.



Will it ever have a "No" lit up in front of it?

Back to My Future

Never in a million years did I picture my life turning out the way it has. When I did imagine some hazy future, it varied between a couple of main themes. In the first type of dream, I would be living in a big city like New York or SF, running my own business (never sure what type) and walking to wherever I needed to go, just the quintessential independent woman with lots of stuff going on in her life-- travel, dinner parties, shopping with friends, coffee houses (or in my case, hot chocolate), and so on. For some reason, I always saw myself living in a sort of brownstone-style place, and would inevitably see myself walking down a tree-lined street, wearing heels and an awesome pea-coat, striding off toward whatever awesomeness awaited me. I never really pictured myself with a partner or spouse; it was just me, out pursuing my dreams and goals and being able to take advantage of all that the big city has to offer.

The other type of "future" dream saw me living a glammed up version of the life I have now-- in that scenario, I'm a younger mom, I actually have money (ha!), and I have two or three kids. It varies a little, but typically it focuses on these movie-style vignettes with me + babies, me + hubby + babies, or hubby + kids. I had a vague picture of an ideal husband who was a full partner, someone who would sing to the babies and teach them how to ride bikes and do funny voices during bath time, and all of that while still holding hands with me and surprising me with romantic cards or a spicy date of dancing and exploring the nightlife...

Those dreams, of course, were what floated around in my young mind while I tried to decide who I was going to be when I grew up. I never realized just how rare and magical it would be to achieve either one of them, or maybe I would have toned them down a bit to a more manageable size. Then again... are dreams supposed to be attainable, or something that keeps us reaching and striving, even when we know we may never reach the goal?

Job update

So, I finally heard back from the City about the job I applied for in September of last year, tested for in October of last year, placed "Rank 1" for in November of last year, and then... eventually, interviewed for on October 11th of this year. After not hearing back from them for two half weeks after the interview, I called and left a message inquiring about the status of the position and the recruitment process. I actually searched up an appropriate "script" for calling back after an interview, when you haven't heard anything (positive or negative) and are curious about whether or not you're still in the running for the job. I found a few great suggestions at this article by Carole Martin. I adjusted it for my particular situation and felt much more comfortable calling in about the job.

Unfortunately, I got switched to two different people before being connected to someone's voice mail, at which point I left a message and never heard anything back. I decided to send an email inquiry to the person who had originally emailed me about whether or not I was still interested in interviewing for the position earlier this fall, and then sat back and waited. By which I mean, of course, that I kept looking for jobs and sending out applications elsewhere. Friday morning I finally got a response; apparently, the interview process had been temporarily delayed, but should be moving forward again shortly. Also, the person stated that no formal selection had been made yet-- woo-hoo! That's good news, in my book. So, I guess it's still "game on" at this point. Keep your fingers crossed, for as long as you can!

Don't Go, Daddy

Joel was gone for three days last week at a job in Sacramento. Ethan seemed to miss him, but at the same time didn't say much beyond calling for him a few times in the morning. On the third night, when Joel came home, Ethan ignored him for a few minutes and then crawled into his lap and didn't want to leave. Even when it was time for helping Ethan go to bed, which is usually my job, he wanted his daddy to carry him into the room and stay there. But Joel had to still unload his car, so he kissed Ethan goodnight and walked out of the room. The minute he disappeared from view, Ethan started crying and called out "Dad, don't go!" It was so sweet, and sad, and tender...

Joel's going back to Sacramento again next week for another three days; I wonder if it will get easier, or tougher, for Ethan to see him leave. For me, it's a combination of both. It's easier somehow to know that I'm the only one here and that I'm responsible for the house and Ethan by myself, rather than having Joel here the whole time but *still* be the one doing all of the cleaning, meals, laundry, and childcare. I guess that means I don't make a very good housewife! ;)

Breakthrough!

We have hit a critical juncture in two areas of Ethan's development: speaking and potty training. First of all, his vocabulary and communication skills have been expanding beyond belief these past few weeks. He's begun putting words together and making actual sentences, which is so amazing when I really start to think about it... my son is going to be able to carry on conversations soon, in English even! Not in baby sign language or grunts or cries, but in real words! It's pretty humbling to consider that I've got the responsibility to make sure he learns how to communicate his needs, wants, feelings, dreams, and thoughts in a way that lifts himself and others up instead of bringing them down. What a huge task, for both of us...

Anyway, the accomplishments in potty training are that Ethan is becoming more and more aware of dirty and wet diapers. He no longer ignores them until we notice the aroma or the heaviness of the diaper and have to struggle him into a clean one; no, now he realizes how yucky it is to have that against his skin. This morning, he came up to me and said "Mama, poo poo" while pointing at his diaper area. I said "Do you have a poo poo diaper? Do you want to change your diaper?" And he said "Okay," and began trotting back towards his bedroom. I followed him in and he practically climbed up my arms and onto the changing table; it's the first time *that* has happened, for sure! All in all, it was a pretty neat moment for both of us. I think he's ready for actual potty training!

Happy Halloween!!

A friend of mine recently sent me an email with a link to the coolest Halloween card ever, and I just have to share. It was so well done that it needs to be appreciated by more people!

This year, our Halloween looks like it's going to be a lot more fun than usual, which is nice because these are tough times and we need a break every so often. Last year we had fun taking Ethan to the Halloween parade at the Farmer's Market and then having "grown-up" time that night-- we went to a Halloween house party and then headed downtown for some dancing at Bacchus. This year, we're going to take Ethan down to the Farmer's Market parade only if it isn't raining (boo!) and then he'll spend Saturday night with my sister and niece over at Grandma's house. Because of their kindness (many thanks!), Joel & I will be able to head out to San Francisco to a Halloween party; it'll be the first time we've been in the City for Halloween. I am so looking forward to it! Not only will it be grown-up time, but it will be costume dress up and dancing and San Francisco-- my three favorite things ever-- all rolled up into one.

On Sunday, we're going to have my niece Leila and a couple of her friends over for a low-key Halloween party. They'll carve pumpkins, toast pumpkin seeds, eat gross-looking food like barbecued worms (slivered hot dogs) and gremlins (chocolate + Fiber One = deliciousness), then get all costumed up and go trick-or-treating.

Our costumes this year are the following: Joel is going as the clown doctor from Childrens Hospital...

(he has the same face make-up as John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer... I guess laughter isn't always the best medicine!)

Ethan is going to be a zombie Diego...

PLUS


And I'm going to do my version of a scary nurse, along the lines of this... kinda.


Anyway, I can't wait! Halloween ROCKS!

Still No Word...

Nothing yet about the job. I'm starting to get nervous, considering it has been almost two weeks since my interview. Then again, Joel made a good point-- it took almost a year for them to call me for that very interview, after I took the test and did well enough to be ranked "1" (whatever *that* means). So I guess I should be patient... as hard as that is.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting through the week, coordinating my costume for our first Halloween in San Francisco EVER, and spending time with family and friends. All things I love, of course; dress up, hang out, and have fun. Tonight I got to see a dear friend after a long absence, and it was wonderful. Quite the balm for my tired soul! And she raved over Ethan, which I truly appreciate because it makes me see him in such a different, more loving and accepting light. I need that reminder every so often that he is amazing and wonderful and precious, because it can get too easy to see him colored by temper tantrums and frustrations and all of those things that toddlers go through while trying to learn the maddening rules of this crazy life. Anyway, I'm glad she came by to coo over his sweet face and adorable expressions and absolutely beautiful babblings and nonsense words; it made me want to cuddle him up and hold him until he fell asleep, hours later. Thank you, T! You remind me of the mom I want to be. :)

Way Too Early. Way.

For some reason, my son has been waking up at around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. for the past few days, and then can't get back to sleep. Trust me, I've tried everything. Diaper change, waiting it out, letting him self-soothe, even rocking him to sleep and-- I'm a little embarrassed to say-- today I caved and gave him some milk. Unfortunately, nothing I did helped, and no matter how long I waited, he never went back to sleep. I know this because he kept up a high-volume commentary on how wide awake he was, and how much he wanted one of us to come in there and get him out of his crib. And I think you know which one of us ended up doing it, too.

I think it's time we strap down his heavier furniture and set up his room so that he can spend time in there by himself in the mornings. Not only would this make it easier on days like these, but it would also let me start putting him in his regular toddler bed for naps, instead of always using his crib. He's ready to at least nap there, I think; I just don't feel comfortable leaving him in there alone while his dresser and bookshelf are still free-standing. He's a climber and an adventurous boy, and I don't want to hear a huge thunk one day and find out that he's pulled one of those bad boys right down on top of himself. Guess it's time to whip out my big girl tools and do it myself, though, because it has been on the honey-do list for a few months now with no results. Fix-It Girl to the rescue!

The Waiting Game.

No word yet on the job status. I've checked my voice mail and email hourly since my interview ended last Monday, and still haven't heard back about whether or not I was selected for the position. The waiting is excruciating! Here's hoping the long wait is because they were so busy holding up my amazing example and comparing all the other applicants, only to find the rest, sadly enough, lacking that special something that I have. And I have it in spades! (Whatever "it" is.)

Oh's Yes, It's Good... Cereally.

My new favorite cereal... crunchy, sweet, addictive deliciousness. YUM!! As a child, I loved Honeycombs. They were perfect in milk, but also a great dry snack. As I got older, I became a fan of Frosted Mini-Wheats, with their "healthy but disguised by a layer of sugar" motif, and then moved on to the Save Mart brand of generic honey nut cheerios as I got cheaper. Actually, I really do like them better than the name brand. And there's just something about cereal in a bag that screams "suck it, big business!" to me. After meeting Joel, I discovered the subtle beauty of Cinnamon Life. It will always hold a special place in my heart, with its delicate cinnamon flavor married to the crispy crunch of the squares. The only problem with it is that the crunchiness doesn't last long in milk.



Not so for the Honey Graham Oh!s pictured above, which stay firm enough that they still emit a distinctive crunch even ten minutes after swimming around in a bowl of milk. Not that they usually last that long when I'm the one eating. I only know they do because my son happens to be the slowest eater in the universe, and often rejects his cereal because it gets soggy by the time he's taken four or five bites. But with the Honey Graham Oh's, he can still get that nice firm texture even after he's ignored the bowl for a good five or ten minutes. That is, if mommy hasn't helped him finish it before then.

When Pajamas Attack

So I realized the other night just why they recommend close-fitting pajamas for young children. I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. to Ethan's cries in the other room, and headed in to do a status-check. Okay, it wasn't right away; I tried to wait it out for a few minutes first and see if he fell back asleep. However, he kept it up and in fact got louder, so I figured that it was probably a wet diaper or something and hauled my tired self out of bed. I went in and he was sitting up in his crib, crying actual tears. I picked him up, took him over to the changing table, replaced his soaked diaper with a fresh one, and then brought him back to the crib. I rocked him for a minute or so and was about to put him back in bed when he finally started talking. He said "stuck, stuck" and wiggled his left arm back and forth where it was resting against my back (he usually wraps his arm around me while I rock him).

I helped him move his arm in front of me and then noticed something strange. His pajama shirt seemed to be pulled up or twisted, so that his stomach was exposed. Hmm, that's not normal... but then this pajama shirt is a bit loose, so maybe it just got pulled up. Well, he repeated "stuck" a few times and thrashed his arm around until I realized that the shirt wasn't just pulled askew-- it was wrapped so tightly around his shoulder that he could hardly move his arm. We sat down on the chair so that I could see more clearly what was going on, and that's when I figured out what happened. He had somehow stuck his left arm down the front of his shirt through the collar opening, then lifted his arm up and out, effectively pulling the shirt into a sort of tourniquet around his shoulder.

I can't believe I didn't notice that right away! And there I was, being tired and lazy and not even wanting to check on him. Would it have cut off circulation to his arm, if left there long enough? Thank god we'll never know! Either way, it convinced me of two things: (1) no more loose-fitting pajamas, and (2) check on children when they cry. Sure, it might only be an attempt to get attention and avoid having to go to sleep, but then it just might be a cry for help. And I'd far rather get up and change a diaper or say "it's time to sleep" and toss them back in bed, than not get up and find out too late that it was something I should've paid attention to right away. By the way, we're putting that shirt out of commission as a nightshirt, and moving it to the closet for daytime use only. And no more twisting in your PJs, Ethan!

Hair Affair

Knowing that I had an important interview approaching, I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a haircut on Saturday. Because it is one of the only salons I've ever been back to more than once, and because it is under $20 for a cut, I went to Modern Cuts in Roseburg Square (Modesto). And my stylist was awesome! She is young, but very good at listening to the client and giving you what you need, even if it's not necessarily what you think you need. I came in with a vague idea of what I wanted, showed her a few photos of what I'd had before at various times, and then she took over. She said that I would look great in an a-line cut, and then started working her magic. At the end, I looked like this:



... and couldn't be happier! It makes me feel so fashionable and classy and stylish. I'm confident that I can hold my own on the streets of San Francisco... except for the whole lacking-a-wardrobe-that-matches thing.

Now I just have to go back and ask Jessica how she did it. Replicating that look in front of my bathroom sink hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, even with the new (and functional, finally!) flat iron I bought to help achieve results. But trust and believe, friends; I will master it. Oh, yes, I will.

Dental Disaster: Epic Proportions

And so it continues. The fourth set of crowns has now been rejected, after they were put in and my sister took one look in the dentist's office before exclaiming, "Absolutely not! They look like she bought them at a Halloween store!" And it was true. They were so short as to be laughable, and the bottom of each front tooth actually angled up towards the center, making a sort of inverted "v" in the middle of my smile. On my tiny, teeny, short little front teeth. JEEZ LOUISE!!! What the heck, is one of the dental deities pissed off at me, or what? Will this ever end? What do I do if I go back another time, and it's still horrible? I feel like giving up on these damn things and going to another doctor, but I already owe $1660 on these-- which means I no longer have enough on my Care Credit account to even *go* to another dentist!

(sigh)

I am seriously so disappointed. Not much else to say, except that I pray that I can get that job; at least then I'd have insurance, and thus another option for getting my teeth fixed before Christmas.

Toothy Endeavors

Later this morning, I have my umpteenth visit with the dentists at Standiford Family Dental. Way back in July, my adventures in toothlessness began... and they have yet to end. This is I believe the fourth time I've gone back for my permanent crowns, and I have serious doubts that they will be up to par. Again. Every time, there is something seriously wrong with the crowns. The first set were so oddly angled that they stuck out of my closed mouth and rested visibly on my lips, a la the most stereotypical set of buck teeth you can imagine. The second set were laying atop each other, tilted at a strange angle, one tooth was super-thick, they arched like a Mickey D's sign, and they left me with gaps all around the teeth. The third set, which I just went in to get fitted a couple of weeks ago, were so short that they were smaller than the teeth on either side. AND they also gave me gaps in between my teeth and on each side, which seems to be a theme with this office.

What the heck, people?! How many times do I have to go back before they get it right? How long am I going to be stuck going here? Well, I have one answer: This is the last time. If they don't look good today, I'm going to go back to my old dentist, the one I can't really afford, and get it done right. At this point, I don't care how much it costs. If I have to, I'll go to small claims court, file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and the Dental Board of California Consumer Affairs Dept., and anyone else I have to in order to get this taken care of right. Who knew good dentists would be so hard to find?

Grocery Reality.

We spend too much on food. I freely admit it. I love food, and I love to shop for it, and I love to cook it. (Did I mention I often enjoy eating it, as well?) I love to prepare food for parties, and make cute and tasty little appetizers or finger food for people to enjoy... but I also need to face the facts that we are currently in the midst of an economic crisis the likes of which could put us under if we're not careful. I've been searching for ways to cut back on costs, and I think that the main cuts will have to take place in a couple of areas: Entertainment, and Groceries. Since I'm the one in our house who's responsible for the food, I'm going to be the one who has to exercise discipline in this instance.



Luckily, I found an awesome blog-post about doing just what I want to do-- cut down food costs, while keeping my family eating healthy-- on The Frugal Kitchen blog, posted all the way back in 2007. It describes a month-long Basic Frugal Meal Plan that will feed a family of ten. TEN!! For less money than I spend each month on a family of three, plus random friends who pop in every week, this woman is able to satisfy the stomachs of ten people. This is really inspiring me to get my act together in regards to our diet and the spending related to it. After my interview Monday afternoon, I'll work on our own meal plan and budget, and post it when I'm done. I plan on adjusting her meal plan to our preferences (like, less eggs/bread and more seafood), but here's the gist of it:

(B)= breakfast (S)= supper

1st Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked chicken and rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls
2nd Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) burgers, oven fries, frozen vegetables
3rd Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked chicken and rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls
4th Sunday: (B) oatmeal (S) baked fish, rice, frozen vegetables, dinner rolls

every Monday: (B) scrambled eggs (S) vegetable soup, breadsticks
every Tuesday: (B) fried eggs (S) skillet meal *, bread and butter
every Wednesday: (B) oatmeal (S) beans and rice, tortillas
every Thursday: (B) fried eggs (S) vegetable soup, breadsticks
every Friday: (B) pancakes (S) skillet meal *, bread and butter
every Saturday: (B) fried eggs (S) beans and rice, tortillas

Grocery Heaven?

Just found this printable grocery list template-- The World's Best Grocery List, apparently-- at www.keepandshare.com, and decided that I LOVE IT! I'm printing it out to use today, and already like the way it's organized. Instead of scribbling my lists on the backs of scrap paper, I can actually plan out my shopping trip and get it done more efficiently. With a toddler along for every grocery store trip, that means way less headaches for me (and for him!), and a much happier day for everyone involved. I'll report back later to let you know how it went... and if it lives up to its name!

It's in the Eyes...

Where did he get those eyes? They are such a beautiful shape, and so different from anyone in my family. His daddy says that he had similar eyes when he was young, and that he used to wish they were more like everyone else around him instead. I just adore the way his eyelid curves out from the inner corner of his eye, and arcs into an almond shape, accented by long dark lashes. And then, when he smiles... his whole face becomes curved in joy and delight, and I can't help but smile in response.

Hmm: The Artist Thinks

Ethan has really gotten into drawing lately. Usually on paper, but really any surface will do. He especially likes the little dry-erase markers, which I found actually do erase from the countertop (nice!) but not from skin or clothing (bummer). Yesterday he was drawing and started doing the funniest thing; I'm not sure where he saw it, or if he just came up with it on his own. He would draw a line or two and then pause, hold up his finger to his mouth as if pondering the way his drawing looked, and say "hmmmm..."



It was so funny! It was just like he was thinking to himself, "I'm not sure if this jagged blue line really goes next to this straight black line; perhaps a bit more emphasis on the left side of the page would really define my vision and allow the viewer to fully embrace the image I'm depicting." Then he would go back to his art, not just scribbling but in a very purposeful way laying down lines and zigzags and all of the right marks just where they belong-- punctuated every so often, of course, by a gentle "Hmmm...."

Sacramento

Joel got hired! I'm pretty sure I already said this, but he actually starts work on Monday (tomorrow) up in Sacramento. He'll be staying there Monday through Wednesday, which will be tough for all of us... but it's worth it. He'll be making a base pay plus commission for doing things like graphic design, ad sales, and computer tech support for a man who is starting a new business magazine. I just want everything to work out for him, for once; it's time he got some positive feedback from the universe!

This is a true Renaissance man, a jack-of-all-trades, a versatile worker who can master just about anything he sets his mind to, seemingly without much effort. He is mechanically adept, technologically savvy, musically inclined, and a creative problem-solver. He is very much into the logistics of how things work and work together and come apart, but he is also an artist and photographer and sees the world with a very unique vision. His greatest strength is the way he can dedicate himself to a project, focus all of his energy, education, and hands-on learning to mastering it, and then put his own spin on it-- usually improving a process or the entire project.

I'm proud of him for taking this chance and hope that it allows him to see that hard work and innovation actually DO pay off. Maybe this time, our goals are going to a little easier to reach...

Tuscan Whole Milk

photo by auggy, on amazon.com

I found this collection of product reviews for Tuscan whole milk a long time ago, and laughed so hard I cried. It's just too funny to keep to myself, so here you go. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the read. Some of the comments go beyond funny to sheer comic genius; these people should be writing books, or at least comedy shows. For example, here are a few tidbits from some of the reviews:

"One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk..."

"I bought this milk a few days ago; it arrived today, and when I opened it, it was a literal explosion of rainbows and kittens. No cows could have made this milk. No, I suspect unicorns."

"It made sense to me to try and replace my dog's blood with Tuscan Whole Milk. I assumed it would give him superpowers. It did not..."

I could read these things for hours!!! The main page for the product is here, in case you wanted to see the actual milk container.

Recipe: Onion Pie

It's like a quiche, but somehow "onion pie" just sounds so much more homey and Southern. I got the recipe from Allrecipes.com, and adjusted it to what we like and the ingredients we had in the kitchen. Served it as a side dish at dinner, but I can see bringing it to a potluck or brunch. Yum!

Ingredients

* 1 1/2 cups Panko crumbs (Italian seasoned or onion-garlic)
* 6 tablespoons butter, softened
* 2 cups chopped onions
* 1/2 cup slivered or diced ham
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 3/4 cup milk
* 2 eggs
* 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
* 1/2 cup provolone
* 1 pinch paprika
* 1 1/2 tablespoons slivered fresh basil (topping)
* 1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan (topping)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a mixing bowl, combine Panko and 4 tablespoons butter in a bowl until well blended. Press into the bottom and 1 inch up the sides of 8 inch pie plate to form a shell. Refrigerate until needed.
3. Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter in heavy skillet over medium heat. Saute onions slowly until translucent, about 5-8 minutes. Add minced garlic and saute an additional 2-3 minutes. Arrange onions and garlic in the cracker crust.
4. Beat eggs, whole milk, chives, and salt in a bowl until blended. Add ham. Pour the mixture over the onions. Sprinkle with cheese and paprika. Top with basil and Parmesan.
5. Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) oven for 30-35 minutes, or until a knife comes out clean. Serve hot or at room temperature.

Sprinkle It, Just a Little Bit

Ethan loves water. And he loves hoses, and faucets, and sprinklers. And he especially loves turning those on and off, repeatedly, whenever he goes outside. He runs straight for the faucet, and BOOM! Water everywhere. And I mean, everywhere.



Even when he gets soaked to the skin, he just goes back for more. Now there's a kid who knows how to enjoy life!

In Memoriam

How do you remember someone who was here so short a time? The same way you remember anyone else you've loved... with your whole heart, forever.

Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the richness of its contents
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant…
Do not judge a song by its duration
Nor by the number of its notes
Judge it by the way it touches and lifts the soul
Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful…
And when something has enriched your life
And when its melody lingers on in your heart.
Is it unfinished?
Or is it endless?

- Author Unknown

Like Mother, Like Son?

It is so strange to have a child that looks basically nothing like me, from our eye color to our hair color to the quirky little facial characteristics that distinguish us from other people...



He still resembles Joel, especially Joel as a child, when he had blond hair and pretty much the same face Ethan has (except hazel-green eyes instead of blue). The one thing Ethan does have of mine is my fair skin-- but he also gets golden tan in the sun, just like his daddy. What the heck, people? Don't I get one that looks like me at all?

All joking aside, this is one handsome kid... if I do say so myself. I can't wait to see what he looks like as he grows older and begins to look like the man he'll become. I certainly changed quite a bit growing up, so I'm really curious to see how maturing changes him, too. If you don't quite believe me, check out this blast from the past. Do you see me in it?



I'm the one on the right. My older sister Jennifer is above me, and my twin sister Stefanie is on the left. Oh, the times, how they change...

Job possibilities...

Just as we are getting into the roughest spot we've been in for a long time, I finally got some good news: I was invited to participate in TWO upcoming job interviews! Not only that, but Joel was just offered a job working for a magazine out of Sacramento, and the cool part is that he can telecommute (work from home) most of the time. Could it be that our luck is finally starting to turn around?

My two job options include working for a college in Stockton as the coordinator of a program assisting youth transitioning out of foster care, and working with the City of Modesto as a human resources analyst. Although I know that most of my career seems to have been spent leading me to the first job, I am actually leaning strongly towards the HR position. I feel like it is simply time to leave the field of social services for awhile, and explore different fields. Social service programs can be so draining, because I tend to "take home" the tragic stories of the people I'm supposed to be working with instead of leaving it at the office.


(See more comics from Toothpaste for Dinner)

The HR analyst job would allow me to use my skills in organizing, writing, planning and scheduling events, and working with people without all of the baggage that comes from working in a field dedicated to helping those in crisis. I am going to work really hard at preparing myself for this interview, and make it happen. That job is going to be mine, period! The interview is on the 18th, so hopefully I should have some news in just a few weeks. Wish me luck!

One Moment More

Going through this highly emotional time alongside my sister has really brought up some of my own issues. During the week that we were out at Burning Man this year, I was very sick for the first few days. As each day turned to the next, I felt worse and worse-- cramping, major muscle pains, back aches and stomach cramps so strong that I would stop walking and just bend in half to deal with the pain. I felt nauseated, fatigued, achy, and just plain terrible. The pain continued to get worse until Wednesday, when it hit its peak. I was having feverish sweating, shivering and sick and curled up in the fetal position for half the day... and then, that evening, I went to the bathroom and realized that I was miscarrying. I estimate it was probably about 8-9 weeks along. But how could this have happened?? I was on birth control (the Pill), but wasn't taking it very carefully or exactly at the same time every day. Still, I had no idea that I could be pregnant... until I wasn't anymore.

Perhaps my body knew more than me, though, because a few days before we left for Burning Man I had what I thought at the time was just a stress-dream/nightmare about leaving our son behind with his aunt. I dreamed that our child passed away, and we decided to take his body with us in a coffin to be cremated at Burning Man. What a terrible dream! But what made it somehow less terrible was when I realized, that next Wednesday, that I had lost a child, and that I had brought that child with me to Burning Man. It just wasn't Ethan; it was the pregnancy that ended, for who knows what reason, while I was out there. It made me feel as if someone from another plane was trying to prepare me for the future loss; I just didn't understand that at the time.

I may write more about this experience later, but for now I just wanted to share a little bit, and also link to a song that has really been speaking to me this week. It seems to capture what it feels like to want just a little more time with someone, just a touch or a glance or the sound of a voice... anything to connect with them one more time.

Mindy Smith - "One Moment More"

Love and Loss

This page is dedicated to my nephew, Nathaniel Ray, and his mother. He started growing inside her six and a half months ago... and was lost to her this week. We didn't get a chance to know him, but he is loved and will always be remembered. I cannot imagine going through such a loss, and I can only offer my unending love and support to my sister. I'm sorry your first experience of being a mother was so filled with grief, but I feel so honored to have shared at least those few moments with you and Nathaniel.



I'd like to find something for my sister that will help her through this grieving process. Her nurses are already making her a memorial book about Nathaniel, but I was also thinking about some sort of necklace or bracelet. A website called www.labelledame.com offers a wide range of healing jewelry for miscarriage, infant loss, fertility, sympathy, pregnancy and birth. Not only do they have beautiful and unique memorial gifts, but the author has a special gift for putting into words the thoughts and feelings of someone who has lost a child during pregnancy. I especially loved her writing about the butterfly as a symbol of the soul, and "the hope that the transformation that loss brings into our life, can result in something different, something beautiful."


A "footprints on my heart" necklace from La Belle Dame.

Nilk?

I swear, Ethan cracks me up so much. His latest escapades involve my attempts to wean him off of bed-time milk (I know, I know), and my inability to keep from giggling at his antics. See, he still doesn't know how to say "milk" with an m sound. He says "nilk" instead. And it's just stinkin' cute, is what it is. Especially when he really gets going on the echolalia and just keeps repeating and repeating the word, with different inflections sometimes, until you finally figure it out and get him what he wants.

In this case, he wants his dang milk before he'll be ready for bed, thank you very much. But I know that he shouldn't be drinking anything except water after brushing his teeth at night, and I know that he needs to develop a new sleep habit other than having to have his belly full of milk. It will make life a lot easier for both of us once he (and I) learn that little trick. Until then, it'll be a tough couple of days (weeks? months??) while we try to navigate our way out of this old habit. But it is so funny to listen to him try to beg or nag me into getting him his cup of milk. "Nilk? nilk? niiiilk? NILK?? nilk nilk nilk?" After a minute or so it just starts getting too funny for me, and I start giggling. And since at that point he's laying with his back against my chest and stomach, he can feel it every time I laugh, even silently. So then he starts laughing, which sets me off again, and pretty soon it's just one big giggle-fest. Which is fun, but not so good for the whole "bedtime" thing. Oh well; I've got to enjoy these days now, because who knows how long he'll let me hold him before bedtime? (And no creepy answers, please!)

Grandma!

Ethan finally did it-- he said "Grandma" yesterday. For a long time now, he's been calling my mom "mah-maw," which is getting the basic vowel sounds right but replacing the "gr" part with "m" (like mama). When he says it, he makes his voice all breathy, as if he's gently speaking it in an abundance of tenderness and love... it's the sweetest thing ever. But now he's starting to say it a little more clearly, which is even better! He seems to still be a bit slower than expected on his speech and language development, though by no means does that translate to unintelligent or slow in other areas. His gross and fine motor skills are unbelievable, but I do admit that I'm still a tiny bit concerned about the fact that he's just not speaking well right now. I'm going to really focus on this right now, and try to help him develop his vocabulary and communication skills... I'd better find the time now, before I end up going back to work!

Motorhome for Sale!

Yes, we're selling our motorhome. Not because we don't like it, but because (as you may have noticed) times are tight, financially speaking. We just really could use the money, and unfortunately won't be able to keep the RV. I'm so disappointed, because after camping in it twice so far, I don't think I can ever go back to tent camping. And there is absolutely *no way* I'll go to Burning Man again unless it's in an RV.



Things being what they are, we have already put the RV ad on craigslist, and now we're just waiting for the throng of eager buyers to bid up the price to $5000. But we'll settle for half that. ;)



So if you know anyone who might be interested, let us know! It is a 1976 Dodge Sportsman RV, we're selling it for $2500, and it has the following features:

* Just over 50,000 miles, and current with registration
* Gas Water Heater, and a 30 Gallon Fresh Water tank
* Power Brakes, power steering, and cruise control
* New propane/electric refrigerator
* Updated car A/C unit to accept 134a
* Comes with New 6.5 HP 3000W portable generator. Used for 5 hrs. Powered the microwave and A/C with no problems
* 1000w power inverter
* FM stereo with mini amplifier. Great
* New gas RV heater, new Fan Alternator, new A/C belts
* All gas appliances work: stovetop, oven, heater, fridge
* Two sleeping lofts, working toilet and shower
* RV is 21ft long. Small enough to share a two car driveway
* 440cid engine with 4 barrel carb
* Does have some interior water damage, but leak was repaired and it recently went through a major storm with no leaks or any other issues

Middle Eastern Menu

Like his parents, Ethan loves food from the Middle East. And luckily for us, we are able to access some very good Afghani food at our local Farmer's Market every week from April through November. I like to put the bolani pictured above (we prefer spinach, potato, or lentil) into the toaster oven to get it nice and crispy before topping it with the garlic mint cheese and/or sweet jalapeno sauce. It's a great way to get veggies into your diet without also adding tons of calories or fat or sugar. And so yummy! They freeze well, too, which is nice because the portions that they sell are actually pretty large.

We also love hummus, and so far our favorite by far is the Mediterranean hummus from Trader Joe's. They top it with pine nuts and olive oil, and it is just the creamiest, dreamiest hummus we've found so far. Not too garlicky, not too chunky, just perfect. We like to use veggie chips or thin pita chips for dippers, but raw vegetables work just as well. Great; now I'm hungry!

HBD

By the way... Happy Birthday to my amazing husband Joel. You are the love of my life, which means so many different things. You are the person I want to call first when something awesome or scary or weird happens. You are the most handsome man that I'm privileged to know, and I constantly have to shake my head in wonder at how lucky I am that you're mine. You can make a day of walking and talking into a crazy adventure or a soothing oasis, and both will be exactly what I needed at that moment. Yes, you can also be an expert at driving me up the walls, but then you're also a pro at bringing me back down and calming my nerves. You inspire me to stay fit and encourage me to stay positive, and your quiet example of courage and optimism help me avoid my natural tendencies towards melancholy. I'm always astounded by how much you know and how talented you are, and sometimes I feel a sort of pity for the people who won't get to know you the way I do... and for the people who don't have someone like you in their lives.

You're a loving and fun and happy father, and my only regret is that we didn't meet earlier in life so that we could have enjoyed our couple-time and yet have a full household by now. I'm so lucky to have you for my husband, my mate, my partner; and I love you always. These tough times we're going through right now, financially speaking, will NOT break us. We'll get through them together, and just think... if this is how great it is while we're struggling, imagine how awesome it will be when we're stable. I can't wait to share those times with you, finally. Happy, happy birthday!

First Tricycle!

Ethan got his first tricycle, finally, and loves it. Sure, it takes a little bit of concentration (note the tongue sticking out, below)



but he really likes it. Once Joel shifted the seat forward, he was able to reach the pedals easier and can even get on and off of the seat without help. He's growing up so fast... next thing you know, he'll be wanting to borrow Joel's motorcycle to go to school. Guess that means it's time for another baby!

Scooter Time

I recently found a cute little Diego scooter for an insanely low price at a yard sale, and brought it home because I thought Ethan could "grow into it" someday. Apparently, that day is today. The first time I brought it over to him, he got up onto it and balanced himself like a pro!



Yep, it's official: He's just like Joel. Not only mechanically inclined and curious about how everything fits together and comes apart and so on, but physically adept and so excited about everything on wheels. I can't wait to watch him grow up like his daddy!

Burn '10: Art Cars

One of the awesome things about Burning Man is the infinite range of creativity and self-expression that you are privileged to observe and participate in while you're there. Just seeing the variety of costumes, vehicles, art exhibitions, and structures there sparks your own inner batteries and makes you want to create and build something of your own inspiration.

These are some of the mutant vehicles that caught my eye this year...

The industrial age dragon-


The preying mantis-


The robot handcart, built for two-


And Sinbad's mini-ship-


... which I think might be a felucca. I loved it! If I made a mutant vehicle, I think I'd like one with this persian-pirate theme, though I also liked Joel's preference for the British or Revolutionary war-era ship, complete with tea service. Cheerio!

Spartacus Without Andy Whitfield?

Oh my goodness! I just found out that Andy Whitfield has cancer and won't be returning to star in the second season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. What terrible news! He is a great actor and was definitely the main reason we watched and truly enjoyed the show. He was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in March, and is resuming an aggressive treatment plan to help fight it. I'm sure he and his wife and family are more concerned about his health than anything else, but it must also be very disappointing to miss out on continuing his career at this point, when he is just starting to really "make it" because of Spartacus. I wish him the best in his treatment and recovery, and hope that he can return soon to doing those things he loves... and to our screens, of course!

Burn '10: The Beginning

Well, we scrimped and saved and sacrificed to get to Burning Man 2010: Metropolis, and then I was horrendously sick for the first several days. Ugh! What a way to start our vacation, our escape from the everyday, our honeymoon, our do-over for last year's disastrous week in the desert... but we made the best of it. I did what I could to combat the illness, and then when it got to be too much I sent Joel out on his own or with our buddy Chaz. If both of us couldn't go out and enjoy the week, at least he was going to have a good time! Poor thing, though; his chivalrous side kept kicking in and sending him back to camp earlier than expected. I was touched; he was worried about me and couldn't fully enjoy himself out there for too long without me. What a sweetheart!



One thing he did do out there, though, was find a miniature of the Man. We were going to tell everyone that they were cutting costs this year, and could only build this little replica instead of the usual gigantic structure... but you can see the actual Man in the distant background. Oh well!

Free Hugs

It has been almost two weeks since my last post, and it feels like months! Probably because I wrote several of my entries before leaving for Burning Man, and then had them post while I was gone... so it's really been even longer since I last wrote.

Well, for now I'm not going to update about the trip, because it will take too long. Instead, I'll share about Ethan's latest cutest-boy-in-the-world move. He figured out that he loves hugs, and started hugging us back, complete with patting the shoulder and giving a sort of soothing "ohhh" or "hmmm" while he wraps his arms around you...

But the absolute sweetest thing of all was when he started walking towards us, arms outstretched, saying "Ug, ug!" until one of us hugged him. He'd hug me first, then Joel, then hold onto me with one arm and reach out for Joel with the other, saying "Ug, ug!" until we shared a group hug together. Yesterday he had us hugging for something like ten minutes straight; it was awesome. How is this boy so brilliant, that he knows something as simple as a hug (or even a hug marathon) can be so healing, so purifying, so miraculous?

First Camping Trip, Aug.'10-- pt.3

Joel wanted to make sure we took Ethan down to visit the river before we left for home, so we got ourselves up bright and early and headed down the path. Ethan tried to make a break for it every time we let him out of the stroller, and he was more than ready to explore by the time we got to the water.


After he ran into the water (ack!) we decided to take his shoes and socks off, and let him see just how cold it was.


He loved it! Remember, this is the pre-Polar Bear kid (a Polar Cub?) we're talking about. He just kept going back into the water for as long as he could handle it, then would run up to me and jump up into my arms until his feet stopped tingling. And then-- straight back in for more.


He liked checking out the water with Aunt Stefanie, too; even though she worried a lot about what could go wrong near the water, everyone did fine. And it gave us all a nice break before the long drive back home, too. Can't wait to do it again!