My Favorite Scary Movies

Ghost Story-Scary:
Not a lot of gore, but some seriously good jump-in-your-seat scares. Play out like thrillers, with the tension rising right up to the end.
- The Others Amazing ghost story, with plenty of great scares. Also,
bring your kleenex because there are some seriously sad parts.
- Stir of Echoes ACK! This one always leaves me jumpy. Creepy, scary, crazy, ants-in-your-pants ghost story.
- The Sixth Sense, Signs, UnbreakableI guess I just like most of M. Night Shyamalan's work, no matter what the critics say. Oh, and add in The Village to that list; might be predictable for some, but still has some good ghost story elements.

Funny-Scary:
Less scary, more funny, but awesome movies. Gore is definitely present, but always done with a humorous slant.
- Shaun of the Dead Classic Simon Pegg humor, excellent satire of contemporary culture, and they even throw in some actual pathos (okay, I cried in one scene, sorry). Fu-nay stuff.
- Zombieland (in theaters now) Excellent movie, complete with deadpan humor, "Best Zombie Kill of the Week," narration by a nervous survivor with IBS, and great special effects. Fun for everyone, as long as you can stand the opening scenes with bloody carnage in slo-mo.

Horror-Scary:
Some (or a lot of) gore, blood, mayhem. Not big on malicious torture, so you won't find that here. But you will definitely run across some seriously bloody scenes. Don't say I didn't warn you!
- 28 Days Later Virus in the UK = Horror gold in Hollywood. This movie rocks, shocks, and even raises philosophical questions for the viewer (what would *you* be willing to do?). Featuring Cillian Murphy in his first major blockbuster; he would later play the evil psychiatrist in Batman Begins.
- The Descent Women, a cave, spelunking, and vicious terrifying creatures on the prowl. Sounds like a great vacation to me! This one hits all your fears (claustrophobia, fear of heights, fear of the dark, fear of being eaten) at once.
- Dawn of the Dead I thought this remake was actually pretty good. Especially loved the Richard Cheese "lounge" version of 'Get Down with the Sickness.' Dark, gory, scares, even though it brings up the usual "Why would they do that? Are they stupid, or what?" horror movie questions.

And two you may not have heard of...
- Let The Right One In An awesome vampire movie from Sweden, this one is at the top of my list. Poignant, frightening, intense, and quite moving-- definitely watch it. Not for children, but features child actors (who are brilliant, by the way).
- Pontypool Definitely the thinking person's scary movie, this one is from Canada and 98% of the film takes place inside a radio studio. It's more about what happens in your head when horrible things start taking place around you... creepy.


Great; now I have the itch to go watch several of these before Halloween!

Ten months and counting...

Just wanted to share the good news: My baby boy is ten months old! As of last week, heh heh... okay, so I'm a slacker. Don't worry, I won't mess up on the big one, December 15th. Anyway, here is my darling, sweet, precocious, curious, fun, energetic, loving, beautiful boy:



How did I get so lucky?

(PS-- Check out that adorable chin; I love it to pieces!)

How to Choke

So, Joel saved my life the other day. No, seriously, he did. He literally saved my life, right there in our humble little kitchen next to the 1970s push-button stovetop and surrounded by stylish wood paneling. It was c-r-a-z-y. And yet avoidable. I think I might have been in the process of being punished for trying to secretly gorge on butterscotch chips, because lo and behold those little suckers tried to kill me.

Basically, it goes like this: I was in the kitchen by myself, searching for a few spices for the recipe I was about to prepare, when my wandering hands stumbled upon a hidden treasure trove of pure sugary joy. It turned out to be about a quarter of a bag of butterscotch chips... exactly what I wanted that muggy afternoon to feed my sweet tooth. I tossed several chips in my mouth and began chewing, when for some unknown reason I sort of coughed/inhaled, which had the unfortunate effect of sucking that gluey mass of half-chewed butterscotch chips directly into the wrong pipe. I immediately went into evasive actions, or in other words started to make things worse.

I'm not sure why, but I couldn't stop myself from trying to swallow that sucker, and of course it not only didn't work, but actually made it even harder to breathe. Which I wasn't exactly doing, at that point; more of a gasping, loud, wheezing intake with no exhalation. I was starting to panic, walking in circles around the kitchen, when I realized I was in major trouble and somehow managed to squeak out "Joel!" on one of my inhales. He ran in the room and within about 10 seconds was giving me the Heimlich. It was so awesome! After around three tries, he finally dislodged the offending sugar bomb, and I started coughing for what seemed like the next hour but was probably more like five minutes. I went over and splashed water into my mouth to help ease the pain in my throat, and ended up splashing it all over my face and neck, too. My skin was burning, and I was red and sweating and exhausted from the whole ordeal. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was pounding, and what a close call that had been.

Although I started feeling better very quickly, I couldn't actually breathe normally for about half an hour. For the next couple of days my throat was painfully sore, and I coughed throughout the night (sleep deprivation is my constant companion these days, no matter the cause). But all's well that ends well, and I can now truthfully say that my husband saved my life. I guess that means I owe him, or something. ;)

Mini-vacations RULE!!

Last weekend, we were lucky enough to visit San Francisco with some friends, and even luckier to get it all courtesy of one very generous young lady. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, to accept her paying for everything; there were several moments where I didn't think I'd be able to do it! But eventually she prevailed, and made it clear that she wasn't accepting no for an answer, and we moved on to just planning how we could return the favor in the future.



Anyway-- while we were there, we were able to get dinner at Colibri, the same restaurant we dined at after our elopement/wedding in 2007. The food is gorgeous! Our favorites are the Pescado del Dia (fish in a green garlic sauce with chorizo and sauteed vegetables) and the Filete Mignon (steak topped with an ancho chile stuffed with goat cheese, over mashed potatoes). YUM!!! They also make a mean tortilla soup, and their chorizo con queso is delish. Oh, and I do love their hand-rolled tortillas and three dipping sauces, too.

We also got to visit another place we love in the City: The Rex, on Polk Street. They have the best French Onion Soup around, and a cozy, neighborhood vibe that makes for a great Sunday meal. I can't wait to give their Eggs Hollandaise a try-- they looked absolutely scrumptious. The bartender makes a nice 'n spicy Bloody Mary, too, with the added touch of pickled green beans on the side. Later that day, we visited our favorite Haight Street pub, Hobson's Choice. It has such a great ambience, the perfect music playing in the background, and huge windows for a lazy afternoon of people-watching.

All in all, it was a great little mini-vacation: we had great meals, a great weekend, and were in our favorite city. Can't wait to return the favor sometime in the future!

Solid Food Adventures

It has been several weeks since Ethan started his latest round of teething (his 7th & 8th teeth are in now), and he's just beginning to allow solid foods back on the menu. The other day, Joel and I were sharing some lovely cheeseburger soup (from allrecipes.com), and he had some with us. Turns out, he likes the food we're eating much better than the baby food. And who can blame him? He does still eat baby food sometimes, but for now we're probably going to keep giving him diced up versions of the food we're already eating. Makes my life a bit easier, too.


Of course, he is also still working on his pincer grasp, and hasn't quite mastered the thumb-finger pinch yet, but eventually he got those peas in his mouth. Success!

Rescue

This week I was lucky enough to take my lovely niece to a concert at a nearby church. Lucky, because it turned out her dad was double-booked and wasn't able to go, and lucky because he asked *me* to be the one to attend in his place. Lucky, because I got to spend some fun, carefree girl-time with my niece, whom I love dearly and don't get to see anywhere near enough to suit me. And lucky because I got to listen to-- no, to experience some awesome, uplifting, energizing music that really renewed my spirits and gave me something to hold onto.

Things have been tough lately... it has been hard to keep my chin up, what with so many things seemingly conspiring to keep us on the edge of disaster. The jobs aren't coming through, the money is running out, the clock is ticking and the stress is starting to build up again, and through it all my sweet partner strides with unruffled feathers and an easy demeanor, believing things will work themselves out just fine. You'd think that would make me rest easier, right? But for some reason, it just seems to worry me even more. We just finished watching "Away We Go," and it really caught me off guard to see the main characters so calmly facing an uncertain future. Even Joel commented on it; he said, "Wow, she's not flipping out about the electricity going off. If that were you..." Enough said. We get the point. I wanted to be upset about it, and was for a moment, but the truth is that I do stress out way too much about things I can't change.

We just shared a great weekend with a couple of friends, and guess what? Yep, I flipped out. Twice. In one weekend! What the heck is up with that? One time, I almost started crying, just thinking about what was facing us on the return trip home-- money problems, and helping the baby learn how to sleep through the night, and hoping I wasn't pregnant, and wondering when things were going to turn around, and wishing with all my might that I could just let all the "stuff" on my shoulders slide off and enjoy the moment...

Anyway, it was rough. And the concert this week really helped give me some peace and some positive vibes to carry around with me. I even bought a CD to help keep my negativity in check, and I have this CD on replay this week.

My current fave was apparently on the TV show "Pushing Daisies"... very cool!

Rescue

I'm pushing up daisies
I wish they were roses
I feel like I'm dying
Just want you to notice

I'm swimming to safety
but even with my best
If I don't see that rope soon
This might be my last breath

Somehow the grave has captured me
Show me the man I used to be
Just when I feel my breath is running out...

The earth moves and you find me
Alive but unworthy, broken and empty
But you don't care
Cause you are my rapture, you are my savior
When all my hope is gone, I reach for you
You are my rescue

Ahhhh.... that feels better. :)

Change of Pace?

Here I am, thinking about re-entering the work force after only a few months home with Ethan, and realizing that it isn't as easy as it would have been a few years ago. Or if I had a degree that wasn't quite so fluffy (Social Science) or experience that wasn't quite so focused on one field (education/social services). Or, you know, if I was independently wealthy, in which case I could do whatever I wanted!

Anyway, I'm considering a career change. Maybe health, like an occupational therapist, or computers, as in computer forensics-- figuring out who left their digital DNA on a crime scene, as it were. Both seem very interesting, and both seem to have a lot of growth in the future for job opportunities. And both would be a complete, semi-radical change in pace for me. But maybe that's just what I need.

The Clapper

This week, Ethan started clapping his hands together. And he loves it! He will just be standing by the couch, balancing with his body against the cushions, and then whammo! Clap, clap, clap, clap... and he is thrilled about it, to say the least. This huge grin spreads across his face, and he looks over at us to see if we're going to respond to his wonderful new discovery. "Look! I can clap my hands together!!" It's definitely a cool new trick. The cute thing is, he isn't quite bringing both hands together equally, yet. Instead, he sort of holds his left hand in place, and then swings his right hand over to clap against it. Although maybe that has something to do with the fact that he is still so wobbly when he's standing, and doesn't want to unbalance himself further. Either way, it's adorable, and I can't wait to get it on video. Speaking of which... someday soon, yea verily, I will figure out how to post videos on this blog. We're taking this thing to a whole new level, stat!

Standing Room Only

Did I mention that my son is amazing? It's true! Unlike other parents, this time it's the absolute, unvarnished truth. (Ahem.) But anyhow-- it really is amazing how quickly they go from absolutely dependent, floppy, delicate creatures to these curious, tough, excited little monkeys out to conquer the world. Ethan has just started to branch out into the "walking" arena, and it's just unbelievable to watch. He can cruise along the furniture and couches like nobody's business, and can move from standing to sitting to crawling with zero problems. Recently, he started standing on his own, without balancing against a prop object or someone's hands, for almost a minute at a time. He can even take a few steps as long as you're right next to him, but then he usually realizes he's walking on his own and wobbles himself right back down onto the floor. This kid is mere moments away from taking his first real steps, and he's only 9 1/2 months old! What the hoo-ha?! Brilliant, genius, blah blah blah... you get the point. He's awesome. ;)

In other news, his next pair of teeth are busting through on the bottom, so that he'll have eight chompers shining in all their glory by the end of this week. Unfortunately, that means he's been having a rough time of it with the teething pain. His cheek has gotten a little bit swollen and red this past week, and he's been crying out in his sleep and waking up for comfort and/or milk at least once a night for the past couple of weeks. All of the drooling is even causing a bit of a rash on his little chin, pobrecito... can't wait 'til those suckers finally bust through!

And I'm hoping that his teething is what has been making it so hard for him to eat real food lately. In fact, he isn't really "eating" much of anything. He still drinks his formula like a champ. But eating? Not so much. He's just not interested! Every so often, I'll be able to get him to take a whole container of plums & apples, or banana-plum-oats, or applesauce with cinnamon... he'll even eat crackers, veggie puffs, and teething biscuits, but not much else. Sometimes, he seems interested in the food we have on our plates, so I cut it smaller and give it to him, but he only takes a few bites and then he's done. What the heck, kid? I mean, he used to eat just fine, but for the past couple of months he's been sticking to milk. I guess he'll get there in time... I'll just keep on trying until one day, he gets it. It kind of reminds me of how it took him about two months to finally "get" how to drink out of a bottle. It's another lesson for me in learning how to let him go at his own pace. Learn, self, learn!!!

What's the ASL sign for "peekaboo"?

Ethan has really been talking up a storm lately. Dadadada seems to be his favorite (of course), but he is vocalizing so much that we expect a word any day now. I love hearing him "talk" to us; sometimes he does such a great job imitating the rise and fall of regular speech that you almost wonder if he already is talking to us!
So far, the baby sign language hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm still giving it a go. We're working on milk, eat, more, and hurt right now. I hope that we can get at least a little bit of communication going on through the sign language, because it would be oh-so nice to know why he is upset instead of having to guess every time. Although I'm starting to become an expert on which whine or cry means I'm tired, or I'm hungry, or I'm bored. But still, it would be great to be able to give him the power to communicate his needs more effectively.

One thing he doesn't need to tell me is that he is definitely a morning person. He is almost always happy and smiling in the morning, and loves to just loll around with me and Joel in our room. He is positively beaming for at least an hour or two, before going back into his normal happy, inquisitive self. It's probably my favorite time with him; he's just so sweet and loving in the morning, you can't help but have a better day after spending time with him. It's one of the things I would miss most if I went back to work. (sigh)

But enough of that! Let's focus on the fun stuff. Like tonight, for instance, when he was initiating "peekaboo" with me. He loves to play peekaboo around the couch and ottoman, and loves to chase me around the house and be chased, but tonight was the first time he has actually been the one to hide his face and then pop out to "peekaboo!" when I call for him. He was standing by the kitchen bar counter, and would hide his head on the other side of the counter. I would call out "Where are you? Where are you, Ethan?" And then when he would pop his head into view, giggling uncontrollably, I would say "Peekaboo!" and we would both crack up. It was so awesome! I love that he's initiating play like this; that's my brilliant boy!

Under-employed

I'm not sure if I made it clear earlier that I am currently unemployed and working as a stay-at-home mom, which I love. Let me rephrase: I love being able to stay at home with my son; not so much loving the unemployed/"not getting paid for it" part. Well, technically I guess I *am* getting paid, because I'm getting unemployment. For now, that is. Eventually it will run out, and at that point we really have to have some other form of income, or my husband will have to be making enough to cover my lost wages. At this juncture, that just doesn't seem too likely, considering how high our region's unemployment is, how horrid the job market is continuing to look around here, and all the rest that comes along with that. So, to cut it short, I'm looking for work-- a "real" job, one that will take me away from my baby but also make it possible to keep buying him formula and diapers. You know, paychecks do come in handy sometimes. :)

And it's also kind of nice to consider going back into work somewhere. Not at my last job, thank you very much, but in an entirely different field, if possible. Social services is very rewarding, but also very draining at times and especially so when working with the most at-risk population possible. I need a break to rejuvenate my soul and renew my interest in working... hopefuly, something that is very different from what I was doing before, but where I can still use the skills and abilities that came in handy at my previous positions. Next week I will be going through "Phase 2" of the job search for two different positions; one in human resources, and one in a sort of planning/scheduling position. I don't really want to give too much detail, just in case The Man is watching my humble blog and wants to rat me out to The System. You never know...

Anyway, I'm excited about the possibilities, and about the idea of being able to afford little luxuries like new socks or a haircut, but I'm also a bit frightened about leaving my baby boy again. It was so hard on me last time. Of course, he was much younger then, but I'm not sure it'll be any easier now. Still, all said and done, I'm taking a job if it's offered to me. If I need to work to help provide for the family, then that's what I'll do. Period. And then cry at night sometimes because I miss my baby. :(

Transmogrify

Oh, my son... how do parents even stand talking to people about how great their kids are? How brilliant, how gorgeous, how sweet, how perfect... maybe we do it all now so that when they start getting ornery and rambunctious, we can remember the times they were angelic. Maybe it's so we can remember that we, too, have our moments of pure awesomeness, that we are human beings who have a beautiful side hiding somewhere amidst all of the things we don't like about ourselves. Maybe it makes us better people-- having the ability to see such goodness in another being, and then being able to express it and share it with others. Because what is a compliment, really, without someone to hear and appreciate it? I've noticed that, when I'm out with my baby and I see other parents out with their older children, they often get this look of happy reminiscence on their faces. They sometimes even say, "I remember when *you* were that small..." and look over at their kids with a special smile.


October 3rd, 2009... Pondering life for a moment.

Maybe it's the most important thing in the world to keep reminding ourselves and other people that our kids are amazing and priceless works of art, so that they can recapture a little of that same joy and appreciation for other people in their lives. I know that having this child has definitely made me understand and appreciate my own parents much more, as well as the close friends who have been by my side throughout this whole experience. I'm sure it has been said many times before, and much more eloquently, but I'm just starting to realize that becoming a parent isn't only about taking care of another person, but about taking care of the little child within yourself and within all of us. The glad acceptance of complete responsibility and unconditional love for another person is transformative, both for individuals and for the community at large. I shudder to think what this world would be like without it.

Hip-pity-do-da...

So, my hip has really been bothering me lately. Or, probably more accurately, my hip/pelvis/groin/upper inner thigh has been bothering me lately. And by "bother," I mean that the level of perturbance has varied along a range from:
* dull ache
** throbbing ache
*** stabbing painful ache
**** burning, sharp, breath-taking painful ache
***** absolute misery and inability to move my leg.

Sometimes it feels like my leg is getting sawed off right where it connects to my body; other times I feel like I'm re-enacting one of those Old English tortures where they pull you apart by your legs. Sounds pleasant, right? Ugh. It's very similar to the pain I felt right after my car accident in 2003, in which I broke my pelvis in a few places (among other injuries). After what seems to me like a minimal amount of physical exertion, I start to feel the tightening and aching that will eventually lead to a severe, sharp pain that makes me catch my breath. I end up limping my way over to a seat and then trying to rest or stretch or do whatever it takes to feel better. However, this becomes a touch difficult when I have a 9-month-old on the loose and ready to interact with me. How do I pick him up and carry him like this? How am I supposed to use the safety gate we installed-- the kind you climb over, of course? How do I help him walk around the house, or take him outside down the steps?

(sigh)

I know this seems like such a minor thing, and there are people out there who are dealing with much graver disabilities without one complaint, and that's what I'm trying to hold up like a banner in front of me. Besides, if I can't do this with a bum leg, how am I to expect my mother to be a Grandma while she's in a wheelchair and dealing with chronic pain? If she can do it facing those issues, I can do it facing mine!

Uh, right??

Anyway, I won't be getting any medical assistance with this anytime soon because we had to cancel my health insurance. At $189/month, it was surprisingly affordable, but with both of us in our current employment predicament it was just a luxury we couldn't afford. Not when formula costs just over $100/month, and diapers cost around $75/month, and then you have wipes and baby food and safety items and onesies and socks that actually fit him and so on and so forth... But there is my baby, crying for mama, so I'm done for now!

What a sitter!

Ethan finally learned (early last week) how to sit down by himself. Which means no more crying at the end of the couch, staring up at us with those big blue eyes, begging to be helped down to the ground. It also means that now he is even better at moving around the house than before, thus making his mother infintely more nervous about stepping up the babyproofing efforts. It's really unbelievable how many things you need to lock down, secure to the wall, latch, put away, lift up, or just plain get rid of when you have a crawler in the house. I guess that's why some people buy those superyards, instead; it keeps them contained in a much smaller space, so that you don't need to do a complete lock-down on the whole house. I almost wish that would work for us, but I don't see him being content in a confined space like that. And when baby's not content, ain't nobody happy.

He has also grown out of his 12-month onesies, which means I've got to stock up on 18-month clothing now. He just turned 9 months old, people! Sheesh! At least it's fun to browse through the baby clothes department in stores. Although I have noticed that the girls' options seem to outnumber boys' clothes by about 5:1. No exaggeration. And there is so much more variety, as well; boys seem to get denim, cords, and khaki, all with variations along a similar theme: vehicles, sports, monsters, or dirt. He can have all the trucks, bugs, skulls, aliens, or superheroes that he wants, but can we ever just get a basic shirt? Or one that has cool colors, but no football slogans? Why, that would be preposterous!! Girls, on the other hand, get endless options for their wardrobes. It's funny how early this gender bias starts... and it's not just all about making boys uber-masculine, either. When my niece was a baby, I sometimes searched for hours for something that wasn't pink or purple or sparkly. You know, something meant for a "kid" instead of something designed for "princess poofy giggle pants". Now, of course, I could buy something with "Tease" across the butt, or "Apple Bottom" jeans for toddlers... perfect!

Poem: Autumn

Because I can't think of anything else to write at the moment, and because I need some positive energy to flow through me, and in recognition and celebration of the recent change in seasons, and basically "just because"... here you go.


                        Fall
                       leaves,
                    traveling,
                catch my eye
    with the fire of their descent
         and my heart stops for
      a moment- just one moment-
    but it is enough to remind me
                   of the way
                        i, too
                         fell
                          .
                          s
                         l
                          o
                          w
                          l
                         y
                         .
                       yet
                  vibrantly,
                in full color,
              joyously, even,
      leaping full-steam-ahead
   towards the firm, dark earth
                   of you.


© MSE, 30 Nov 2005

Cemetery Adventures...

For some reason, I haven't written yet about our adventure with Para-Seekers Modseto, a group we found on meetup.com. We had a very interesting time, and hopefully one day we'll get to investigate with them again... you know, when we can get a babysitter set up and coordinate our schedules and so on. Anyway, we did have at least one excursion with them, and the cool thing about it was that we got to visit Joel's hometown: Oakdale, California. We actually got to visit the Oakdale Cemetery after hours, and walk around taking photos, recording EVP sessions, and just getting a feel for the place. It was odd in the beginning, because the first place I was drawn to was a child's grave. Great. Right after I leave my son with a babysitter, I find myself going over to the final resting place of a little baby. Ack! But in reality, it wasn't all that creepy, just... sad, and lonely, somehow.

Later in the evening, though, we actually got our own crazy, cool, personal experience with an anomaly-- that we caught on camera.

Sometime between 9 and 10 p.m., I began taking a series of pictures with my digital camera, holding the camera still and taking the same shot over and over. After taking the third picture, I saw in the digital display that there was suddenly a bright anomaly in front of the headstone. I continued taking photographs to see if the anomaly would still re-appear, but it was only visible in one picture.

The headstone, before:


The anomaly:


The headstone, after:


The anomaly, close-up:


The headstone, close-up, to show there are no reflective surfaces:


So.... do you think we had "an experience" out there? Hmmm? WE do!

Searching for Hope

It seems like once we get on a good roll, something has to happen to change everything, forcing us to start over from scratch. I have to admit that I'm a worrier, so things like this tend to upset my world a bit. I like to have things tidy, organized, and running according to plan most of the time, though I'm not extremely rigid about the minute details. (Or so I'd like to think...) I really like to know what's going to happen next, and I know that I tend to have a difficult time just letting go and being completely spontaneous and free about things.

It was a lot easier to be like that when I had $30,000 in the bank, a good job, no debt, and no major responsibilities beyond myself. Now things are just a little bit different-- no savings whatsoever, laid off and receiving unemployment (but only until December), and caring for a 9-month old son who depends on me and his dad for everything. It makes every decision that much more heightened for me, and really puts my character flaws on display. I've seen myself become even more of a worrier, more anxious about security and stability, more concerned about income and bills... and then, of course, I take it out on those around me because it increases my tension, shortens my temper, and pulls my already tight nerves even further.

Is there a positive end in sight? It's all I can hold on to, the belief that things will get better for us, and that eventually we will be stable enough to go out and do the carefree, adventurous things we've always wanted to do-- without worrying about how that will impact our real lives, financially or otherwise. I've decided to just let go of the worries and let life flow around me for awhile. What has the worrying done for me, anyway? Just caused more stress and more problems. So I'm evicting it from my life. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the time with my family, and visualize a bright and happy future. Things will improve.

9 months old... can you believe it?!

We met Ethan's new doctor at Kaiser today, and it was such a relief-- she's fun, sweet, smart, and seems to have a pretty healthy sense of humor. We had a great visit, and she confirmed what we already know, of course: Ethan is doing perfectly well, developmentally speaking, and (in her professional opinion) he is soooo cute! (I thought that was hilarious; aren't they supposed to say that about all babies?) He is mid-range in his weight, above average in height, and (ahem) scored a 95 on his head circumference! That is, his head is bigger around than 95% of kids his age in the USA. Well, at least there's another 5% who have bigger braincases than he does, right? Uh, right??

Anyway- the Doctor gave me some projects to work on over the next couple of months. Apparently, as he is now 9 months old (as of Tuesday), he should be waving hello and goodbye at people. She was also a bit taken aback that he isn't saying "mama" or "dada" yet. She also thought that he should also be more adept at picking up things between thumb and forefinger. Oh, and he needs to get going with the whole sippy-cup deal, because they want babies off the bottle by that time. No pressure!! As you can see, I will have my hands full running the baby through the mill in order to make sure he stays perfectly in tune with the mid-range of babies around the country/world... or maybe not. ;)

Below is a recent picture of my darling boy, enjoying the much-too-brief rain this weekend with his daddy. Aren't they gorgeous?

Some decompression...

One of the things I regret most about our trip to Burning Man this year was what it could have been, what we could have done and seen and learned, what we missed because of where we chose to camp this year. There was so much that we weren't able to experience, yet we saw it out there and even had brief, short-lived glimpses of what could have been-- and it just makes us want to do it right next year. No more camping with a theme camp that is so disorganized, disfunctional, and negative that they suck all the fun and life out of this major adventure. No more being stuck in one spot, working our rear ends off for days at a time to set up a vehicle that isn't even fun to ride on. No more, I say! Next time, things will be different. (That is, assuming we can get another carer for Ethan next year!)

A beautiful metal sculpture, newly constructed on the Playa... she was one of our beacons and a landmark for getting home from the playa.


A lot of people end up camping out here. This year, over 43,000 burners spent time in the desert together. Here are a few of them:


And here are some of the things we learned this year:
* Clear goggles for night-time are crucial. With them, you can enjoy the evenings without constantly digging sandhills out of your eyes.
* More underwear, more socks, and more water.
* More funky costumes for both of us, plus more playa-friendly evening wear (warm shrugs, leggings, etc.). Some days, you just need to dress up, like when you're riding a pirate ship!

* Did I mention bringing more water?
* Less hard alcohol, and more light stuff-- beer, sprite, etc-- for daytime fun.
* Belt-packs/fanny packs are a lifesaver for carrying chapstick, sunscreen, gum/mints, a map or schedule of events, flashlight, 5-hour energy drinks, and anything else you might need on the Playa. And they look pretty cool sometimes, too:

* Personal challenges: We plan on making a list of challenges to ourselves and to each other, little "dares" to make sure we are stretching our boundaries and trying to grow a little bit while we're there.
* EL wire! We want to be more lit up next time, it's easier to avoid getting run into at night, and just looks cool.
* Ice-cold Limoncello is a beautiful thing in the desert.
* Nap at dawn, walk/bike/take photos in the early morning, nap in the afternoon, and be ready to hit the road all night.
* Explore more activities and more camps: We want to really get out there and meet more people next time, because we missed out on it this year. Like the people in this pic, for instance; who came up with the human hamster-mobile?


Other than that, avoid despotic tyrants and negative nancies like the plague, and you should have the most amazing adventure ever! It can be fun, exciting, challenging, and even touching or sad sometimes... Below, Joel and I share a somewhat solemn moment together on Friday. We were visiting the Temple and reading some of the very moving, intense, and personal dedications/memorials/open letters/etc. that people had added to the wooden structure. I also added some of my own. :)

While we were gone...

My son learned how to crawl! He must have had a good trainer in his friend Miss C., who stayed with him for a whole week while we were gone. She did some great work with him, because not only did he move past the "two-step" crawl/belly flop and straight into true crawling, but he also learned how to sit himself up while on the floor. He hadn't quite figured that one out before we left, so it's really neat to see him master that skill. It comes in handy when you don't want to keep laying on your stomach anymore, and want to be part of the action again. He has also started pulling himself up onto *everything* around him, which is both cool and frightening. He absolutely loves walking around while holding onto the furniture-- I guess it's called creeping, actually-- and can get up quite a speed these days. I think he'll be walking before too long, and that means we'll have to really get down to business securing the living room area so that he doesn't accidentally brain himself or something like that. He is also vocalizing a lot more lately; it sounds like we have a baby eagle talking to a pterodactyl in here sometimes!

In other news, it's actually raining in Modesto right now, bright and early on a Saturday morning. I love it! We're going to take the baby outside with us for a walk in a little bit, to let him see the weather change, up close and personal. I think he'll enjoy it-- he loves water with a passion, and is a pretty brave soul. I mean, unless you're talking about lions or elephants, because he does get a bit twitchy when he hears them. The latest Baby Einstein video we got scared him a little when the lion came out and roared, and then the other video featured an elephant blasting off, and both times he freaked out. I can't wait to harass him with those little facts when he's about 22 years old... bwahahahahahaha!!! But really, I wonder how much of it is just startling from the loud noises, because he also flips out when his dad lets loose one of his bone-shattering sneezes. Then again, so does everyone in the vicinity, so that's not saying much. ;)

Anyway, the Burning Man revelations will have to wait for another time-- it's far too much to share right now. First, experience. Then, digest. Next, process. I'm still working on digesting it!

The teeth return...

Just wanted to note this down, for future reference: Ethan's teeth are coming in-- again. The two teeth on either side of his front top teeth are already through the gums. That makes six altogether, so far. I swear, this kid is going to have a mouth full of teeth before he's one year old! I guess this is where I can finally get happy about formula versus nursing. ;)

Missing my baby already...

This is the joy of my life, the boy who we will miss while we are on our adventure... although I can't wait to share adventures with him in the future. We are actually already planning trips to take with Ethan once we come back from this one. Is that crazy, or what?

Anyway... I am just so grateful to be this boy's mother, and to have the chance to share a life with him. What an unbelievable miracle he has been, from before he was born, all the way through the scary times surrounding his unexpectedly early birth, and even more so now. I am so thankful for this awesome, amazing child, and for this time right now, right here; how did I get so lucky? Sometimes I get jittery about saying such things, even in a blog, because of the old folk tales about appearing too happy with your lot; you know, if you are too loud in your happiness or too joyous about your blessings, they will be taken from you. It's like calling an evil eye down upon you and yours, or something. But I only entertain those ideas for a moment, and then get back to thanking my lucky stars (and God) for this gift. Now, if only I can hold onto this feeling even when we go through the turbulence of adolescence... :)

My darling boy, August 2009:



This kid has the most engaging laugh EVER! We love to hear him giggle and chortle away.



Our little water-baby... he absolutely adores bath-time, just like mommy. And I absolutely adore those almond eyes. Perfection!


So, now do you see why it's going to be so hard to be without him? :)

Almost gone!

We leave early tomorrow morning, and the knowledge that we will soon be on our way to Burning Man fills me with mixed emotions. My excitement and anticipation over the trip is tempered by my sense of loss and concern over having to leave my son with friends while we are gone. Yes, I know that people have been doing that for a long, long time; but isn't it funny that everyone I speak to mentions that they never left their child overnight until s/he was two, three, even four years old? I guess I'm being an abnormal parent to willingly leave my child when he is under a year old... not that there's much I can do about it now. And would I cancel everything, at this late date? Really? I don't think so.

Poem: Sunday Morning

Time for another poem... This one is actually the first one I wrote after meeting Joel in 2005. It's important to remember the beginning of things, every so often.

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"sunday morning"

this fluttering stillness
   like the calm in a raft on gentle waves
   like the quiet of grass under swaying trees
   like the silent activity behind drawn glass doors...
it tickles my heart,
making it twirl and pirouette
to the sound of giggles and clapping hands.

you are a sanctuary
and i rest within your hushed grove
trailing my hands on your viney statues
breathing in your green vitality
digging my toes into the mossy undergrowth
and reveling in this rich serenity.

this eager restfulness
   like a darkened theater just before the show
   like children on the stairs early Christmas morning
   like a mother-to-be with one hand on her belly...
it blossoms inside me,
making me smile for no reason
while songs tumble into a glorious symphony inside my head.

you are seeping into me
a green and blue osmosis, filling up my empty spaces
bringing an energy laced with tranquility
the pause before speaking
the moment before movement
when the world is full of infinite possibilities...

and the only thing that frightens me
is the ease with which i'm falling
or floating, really,
gently shifting by degrees,
making it less obvious to the naked eye
that you have already begun
laying down roots.


© MSE, 24-06-2005

The Clock is Ticking...

There is less than one week until we leave for our camping trip. For the first time, we will be separated from Ethan for more than a day... in fact, it'll be over a week. When I mentioned it to his dad, all I got back in response was "Don't worry, I seriously doubt he'll even remember this happening." Here's the thing: I'm not so much worried about him remembering, but about me remembering! I'm starting to feel pretty anxious about how I'm going to handle being away from him for so long. I originally had all of these plans to do or have "just in case" while we're away, such as driving my own car up alongside Joel and the others, just in case something happened and I had to leave early; or bringing a satellite phone just in case something happened, so that I could find out immediately with a daily phone check-in; and so on.

The problem is this: The more I try to plan for "just in case" scenarios, the more worried I get. It's one thing to have a will or Child Care Power of Attorney in place whenever we leave for an extended period of time; it's a whole other situation when you start taking extra vehicles and having specific phone check-ins while you're on a vacation/adventure. I worry about what might happen if I actually do take my own vehicle, and then I do get some type of emergency phone call during the week we're gone... I can't even begin to picture myself driving back the seven to eight hours in any sort of rational state of mind. What I could see happening is me freaking out, then trying to drive back but driving back too fast or too recklessly, and then making the situation even worse!

Then, what about the satellite phone? Am I really going to force Ethan's carers to be at their phone at a specific, pre-determined hour every day, to call in and prove that he's still alive and kicking? Am I seriously going to expect that I will actually be around my campsite, with access to someone who has keys to the motorhome (because obviously I'd have to lock up the satellite phone at all times out there, it's a pretty hot commodity in a no-cell-phone region), at that same pre-determined time? How would I even make sure that happened? What if there was a time when we missed each other for some reason; would I then fixate on it and freak out even more? Knowing myself, the answer is yes.

I have this regrettable tendency to worry over even the most minute possibility of risk or danger, and there are times when my mind just starts this wagon wheel of worry, revolving around the same fears over and over again, until that's all I can think about. I've really been thinking about it a lot for the past week, and I've decided that I have to trust my cares and my own judgment in choosing them to take care of Ethan for us; I have to trust my instincts that he will be okay, and that we will be okay without him for awhile. If I try to account for every detail and bring "just in case" with me on our trip, there is no way I will be able to free myself, let go, and enjoy the experience. And really, if I do that, what is the point in going?

Poem: Vertigo

So, I write poetry. Yeah, I know, it's such a cliche to write terrible poetry, but I just can't help myself. I haven't written in a long, long time, though; perhaps because of the whole pregnancy/newborn/stay-at-home mom situation. But what kind of excuse is that? Poets have been writing since language first became written down, and they've written during wartime, from prison cells, while trekking through the wilderness, and yes, even while staying at home with the kiddies. No more excuses for me, I guess.

But while I try to revive my motivation to write, I'll stoke the creative fires by posting some older poems. This one, called "vertigo", I wrote in summer of 2005, a couple of months after first meeting the man who would become my husband.

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"vertigo"
(on finding myself disoriented after you leave)

i am...
unsettled.
things are different, now.
a little bit off.
unrecognizable.

it is as if a stranger
has been in my house.
i cannot describe what has been
moved, or taken, or shifted, but--
things have changed.

at night i sleep fitfully,
pillows too warm and
mattress too soft,
unable to get comfortable
in my own bed.

i am often hungry... and
just as often cannot seem to find
my appetite.
i thirst for something.
anything.

my mind circles around
this strangeness inside me,
pushing and pulling at its fabric,
trying to make this new thing
comfortable, familiar.

even then, here on my bed is
an imprint, this space
in the shape of you...
and me trying to
pour myself into it.

© MSE, 28-08-2005

Creepy, crawly...

After several weeks of practice, which involved push-ups, lots of "walking" with mom and dad (and anyone else, really), and tons of false starts, Ethan finally figured out the crawling process today. For a few weeks now he has been so, so close to crawling that *all* of us were starting to get a little frustrted, not just him. He would get up on his hands and knees, sort of rev up a little bit, and even moved his legs forward one at a time, and then-- nothing. He couldn't quite get the part about moving your arms forward, too. Instead, he would lock his upper body into place, so that after moving his legs forward a bit he was basically stuck. At that point, he would drop to the floor and go back to his marine-style belly crawl, which he's pretty good at. But tonight, the day after he turned 8 months old, he did it-- he moved his arms forward in sync with his legs! He may have only taken a few "steps" forward, but this is only the beginning. He is now, officially, a crawler!



Which is scary. It's also funny timing, because just this afternoon we all went out to Babies 'R Us to buy some home safety gear (latches, edge guards, etc.). Maybe he knew we were finally getting ready for a mobile baby, and so decided that now he was free to finally take the next step. Or maybe we just lucked out and waited until the next-to-last second before prepping the house!

Baby, you're a genius!

My newest discovery in the world of parenting...


Ethan is completely taken by his new DVD. He sits and takes it all in, completely silent, just chewing on his seat strap and mellow as can be. Every so often, he lets out a delighted chuckle, like when the toy duckie quacks its way across the screen. He is mesmerized, and so am I-- watching him. The DVD seems to be perfectly suited to infants, with its bright colors, simple presentation of common animals, and light, cheery music throughout the movie. I also like the way they show the real animals as well as toy versions, drawings, and puppets of the animals, to give kids more of the general concept of "dog" rather than just "golden retriever".

I can't wait to get more of the other Baby Einstein DVDs for Ethan. I'd been trying to get them at our local library, but they are constantly checked out, and even have waiting lists of parents wanting to get ahold of them. Now I can see why! I checked out Amazon, and they have tons (of course) of the movies, but I got this particular one-- Neighborhood Animals-- at Once Upon A Child in Modesto for only $10, brand new. Great deal! They have several other DVDs there, so I'm going to go back soon to raid the shelf. Out of my way, moms! I'm on a mission!

Sweet love, or zombie hunger?

Ethan is learning... I think. Either that, or he's trying to win me over with his sweetness so that he can then surprise attack me and devour my face. Here's the sitch.

Lately, we have begun a bedtime routine with Ethan. He takes a bath, which he loves dearly, and then he changes into his jammies. (Which for some reason I keep wanting to call his "nightie"; must be leftovers from growing up with all girls and then with an only niece.) After that, we go into the living room and read a couple of short books. The last book we read together is something about bedtime, or night-time, or sleeping; you get the general idea. After that, it's time to say goodnight to all of his friends throughout the house. His panda, named "Penguin", is the first animal we say goodnight to, with a big hug and a kiss. Then we we move on to Joel's photo of a bee (Ethan is completely thrilled by the "bzzz" sound. It's hilarious). Then, we work our way down the hall, saying goodnight to baby Ethan's portrait on the wall, and then to the bathtub (his favorite place), and then it's finally into his room. We say goodnight to his frog vaporizer, his piggy bank, and his giant teddy bear. And this is where it gets kind of weird.

I noticed the last couple of nights that Ethan started to open up his mouth while leaning in to the bear for his goodnight "kiss". I just figured that he was trying to give the bear his own kiss, and hadn't quite figured out the open-versus-closed mouth thing yet. So I wrote it off as a sweet new gesture Ethan's picking up. But then the other day, he leaned in towards me with that same open-mouth "kiss" that I thought was so adorable, and so I let him get all the way to my face-- where he proceeded to chomp down with all four of his razor-sharp teeth. That HURT! I was sort of unsure what to do next; do I yank myself back out of harm's way, or would that actually make things worse? He had a pretty good-sized hunk of cheek in his little mouth, and didn't seem like he was letting go any time soon. Long story short (too late!), I stuck my fingers in between his lips and my face and he eventually pulled back, and then-- in a simultaneously cute and disturbing way-- giggled with delight.

So now I don't know whether or not to trust this kid... does he love me, or does he hunger for my tasty flesh? And is that why he likes his formula so warm-- because it's so similar to body temp? Is he a changeling? A ZOMBIE changeling? Guess I'll have to keep an even closer watch on him from now on... and hide the "how-to" flicks like Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later. No need for an instructional video with this kid!

Disappointment...

It's amazing how easy it is to be disappointed in others. Maybe it's just me... maybe I set standards that are too high for anyone to reach, or maybe I don't communicate just how important certain things are to me, or maybe it's just that I am naturally a pessimistic person and so being disappointed is sort of what I expect out of life... who knows. Either way, it seems like the minute I find myself feeling positive and trusting towards someone else and relying on them for something, that is the exact moment when I find out that I can't actually depend on them the way I thought I could.

Why is that? Am I purposely blinding myself to the fact that I chose the wrong person to trust, or that I trusted that person with the wrong thing? Or am I expecting fallible people to never make mistakes? I wish I knew the answer. I suspect that the fault lies with me, rather than with anyone else. If I could just pinpoint what it is, maybe I could start to deal with it in a way that makes things a bit easier on everyone-- myself included.

I mean, it's no fairy tale going through life like this; it's a lot of pressure to worry and expect the worse, and more than that, to actually see your fears realized. There must be a way to be more accepting of others (and myself), and to be a bit more generous with my forgiveness. But right now, it feels like a betrayal every time, and it makes my heart pound, my pulse flutter, my skin flush, and my breath stick in my throat. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't seem to get my head straight while I'm dealing with all of the emotions brought on by shattered expectations.

I guess one solution would be to stop having them. Expectations, that is. But is it even possible? Or desirable, for that matter? I'm not sure. But then, it's midnight, and I'm not sure of much except that I'm feeling a bit like a sailor trying to come in for the night, and wondering why someone shuttered the lighthouse.

Developmentally speaking...

Both of Ethan's top teeth cut through this past week. That makes it official: Four teeth before 8 months old. I always knew this kid would be an over-achiever...

Well, actually, I read in one of his developmental milestones books that many children cut their first four teeth by their 8th month. But guess what? He's still not quite 8 months old (though he will be this weekend), so HA!! He beat those other kids! And so the competitiveness begins... :)

Seriously, though, I am impressed by how much this baby has changed in just a few short months. It seems like just a moment ago that we were working on rolling over, or even just strengthening his neck enough to hold his head up. Not anymore, bub! He has those down pat. He's currently fixated on standing, walking (while holding our hands, of course), and just generally getting around. He's not too enthralled with crawling, yet; he mostly does a sort of marine-crawl on his belly, but he can really get some distance doing that. He is also working on getting himself to sit up alone, but we aren't quite there yet. On the other hand, he is perfect at sitting up by himself, and is quite possibly the twistiest twister in the history of twisted twisting. I can hardly change his diaper-- the minute you lay him down on the changing table, he twists his whole body over onto his stomach within three seconds. It's like trying to change a writhing snake, or something. Once he's on his stomach, of course, he's happy.

That is, he's happy until he decides it's time to try climbing out of the changing table, at which point the wrestling game begins again. I've already had him roll off enough surfaces in this house; I can't really take another one. I'm beginning to wonder what the solution is, here, to the whole Twisty McMover problem; do I just have to get really, really fast at the diaper change, or is there some way to distract and entertain him while I get the dirty business done, or what? I know there has to be an answer, but for some reason those baby development books skip this particular quandary. Hmm...

Kaiser to the Rescue!

The final word came in today: Our application for Kaiser Permanente's Child Health Plan was approved! That means that Ethan will be covered from September 1, 2009 through 2011, at the incredible cost of $15 per month. In fact, the well-child visits are free (to 23 months), immunizations are free, and regular visits are only a $5 co-pay. How unbelievable is that? I mean, the only way we qualified for Kaiser's plan is because I lost my job, which allowed us to finally fall into the correct income bracket, but still... what a miracle! So far, we've had Ethan covered on Anthem Blue Cross, and we've been paying $67/month-- but the plan also had a $1500 deductible, 30% co-insurance, and a $30 co-pay at each visit. We already hit our deductible a few months ago, when he was sick and there was no other option but the emergency room (since his doctor's office at the time didn't provide urgent care services)... ugh. I knew there was a reason I didn't like Anthem Blue Cross.

There is only one thing that I'm concerned we might lose by going with Kaiser: his current pediatrician. A couple of months ago, we finally switched from his original pediatrician over to Valley Oak Pediatrics. The difference was like night and day; for the first time, we felt comfortable and happy and welcome at his doctor's office. The providers are all very kind and knowledgeable, and his doctor in particular is warm and caring and I just love her. It was so nice to find an office where I could see Ethan coming back for years and years, and enjoying his visits, and actually feeling attached to his doctor, like so many of my friends had said of their own children. At his original doctor's office, there was just zero friendliness. The doctor was very cold, stand-offish, reserved, and clinical.

In fact, his first doctor was also the one who gave us our initial scares about the baby, when we brought him in for his first couple of appointments. The first week he was born, she had me take him in for a chest x-ray, telling me that not only was his jaw very recessed (!), but that his chest cavity was much too narrow and that I needed to get it checked out immediately. Hellooooo!!! Talk about nerve-wracking. In the x-ray waiting room, I felt like bawling my eyes out, just thinking about this brand-new baby boy who might have serious medical problems already... but of course, it turned out to be perfectly fine. And his "recessed jaw"? Looks great to every other physician and nurse who has seen him. Oh, and at our two-month appointment, right before I finally cancelled our connection to that office, his doctor tells us that Ethan might have to have a helmet fitted to his skull to help re-shape his head, because it's much too flat on one side. How could we have avoided this, we asked? Oh, you should have been switching his head from one side to the other each time he slept, she said; as in, nap 1 = left side, nap 2 = right side, etc. Um, do you think she might have mentioned it at our *FIRST WEEK APPOINTMENT*, perhaps? Yeah. Anyway, I think you can see why I was pretty upset about it.

But back to the current doctor: I just hope and pray that they accept Kaiser at Valley Oak. Then we can keep going to his awesome doctor for as long as we live here. Woo-hoo!

Sew, you're saying there's a chance...

Sewing: Who knew it could be so much fun? I just got my first sewing machine, and I've decided that sewing could probably give my other hobbies-- scrapbooking, making DVD slideshows, even cooking-- a run for the title. It's awesome! I already made my first vest for Burning Man, and it was a blast. Okay, okay, so it's a little lopsided, and maybe a bit shorter than planned, and I somehow ended up "shrinking" it a bit, but luckily it's going to Burning Man, and none of that is going to be noticed. In fact, it might even be celebrated, simply because I made it with my own two hands. Oh, and the, uh, you know, sewing machine.

The vest, by the way, is a scarlet furry material that is going to ROCK the playa. Woo-hoo!

I will be posting up pics soon of my upcoming projects: The purple cloud material that is in some strange way vaguely reminiscent of cowhide, and that will become vests; the furry black & white skull & crossbone pants; the short, jagged edge capri-length pirate pants; the furry wrist cuffs, and the polka-dot shrug (with matching skirt), and anything else my inspired mind can come up with while staring at the material we have. Yard sale holders, beware: I'm on the prowl, and I won't take no for an answer!

Just in case...

I love this kid. I mean it-- I really, really love this son of mine. And not just because he's so adorable, or he has such a sweet smile, or his chittery-chattery laugh is so infectious... I love him because he is this physical embodiment of everything that is good about me, and everything that is good about Joel, and everything that is good about people in general-- and I am lucky enough to be his mother. I get the honor of taking care of him and helping him learn how to live in this world we've made. I get to nurture him through the achy, sore, yucky times, and sing along with him through the fun, silly, happy times. It's an amazing gift, and I feel so lucky to be able to share this time with him.

And it's really crazy how much this experience-- motherhood-- has made me slow down and take in every moment as if there may never be another one. Watching my son sleep and play and gaze with curiosity at everything around him has made me strangely and intensely aware of my own mortality. I've been really fixated lately on making sure that Joel and I have wills done before we leave on our trip at the end of August. Not that I think anything is going to happen, mind you; it's more like a "just-in-case-something-happens-while-you're-gone" policy, right alongside getting life insurance and making sure you have someone to water the plants or pick up the mail. I can't imagine leaving for a long trip without the baby, and not having something written down that designates a guardian for him. And I want to have videos and pictures attached to the will or accessible to the guardians (and updated regularly, of course) so that he will always have these memories saved for him. And unfortunately, the more I think about this topic, the more morbid it sounds.

It's not that I want to focus on where Ethan would go if anything happened to Joel and me, or fixate on the possibility of death; but now that I'm a parent, I can't help but have something in place for my son. I am responsible for him, whether I'm here or not, and that responsibility will never end. Ever. So if there's anyone out there who hasn't made a will yet, or set up guardians for their kids, do us all a favor and get it done. The one thing a loving parent does not want is for their child(ren) to be stuck in a long, drawn-out court scene, and possibly in court custody, while their living situation is being figured out. Personally, I want to designate those guardians myself, and make sure my baby will be with someone who will love and cherish him just as his own parents would.

Okay, enough of the morose and depressing conversation. But, please: go write your will.

Judge not...

Everyone I've spoken to who has actually been to Burning Man gets a sort of dreamy, starry-eyed look on their faces as they reminisce about the sharing, kindness, generosity, friendliness, and genuine caring that they found there. They tell stories about the random group of strangers who gave them dinner one night, and the guy from a nearby camp who would bring over coffee in the morning, just because he thought they needed some... they talk about the deep friendships they've built from meeting people there, and they speak with a sort of awe about how quickly and deeply you can build connections there.

In a way, I see this as a way to gauge people, almost the same way I used to see the way people reacted to my shaved head or tattoos. They typically either jump right into the judgment chair and have a negative and moralistic reaction, or they sit back and take it all in, say something along the lines of "wow, seems like something you're really interested in; cool" and then let it be. Rarely, someone will be positive and supportive right away, and that's when I feel the most accepted. But you know what? I've realized I don't really need their acceptance; the people I really care about love me no matter how weird or out there my interests lie, because they know that it doesn't change who I am or how I care about other people. So the judgers can all just get together and point out everyone else's differences and pontificate about how wrong they all are; go ahead, enjoy yourselves. I'll be out living my life and enjoying *that* instead!

Teef

Ethan finally cut one of his top teeth yesterday. And by finally, I mean those upper gums have been swollen, red, and painful looking since early June... and just now are deciding to make an appearance! I'm so glad, too, because he has just been getting more and more miserable lately. For the past couple of weeks, he started waking up in the middle of the night again to take a full bottle and then head back to sleep. During the days, he would fuss and kind of whimper every so often, and was constantly rubbing at his mouth and gums. The last day or two before his tooth finally cut through his gums, we noticed that he was pushing his two lower teeth up and rubbing them across his upper gums, trying to help those top teeth come out. And man, let me tell ya, those bottom teeth are sharp, so he must have been pretty desperate to use them as cutting tools. Ouch!

He and I went to the Library today to pick up some books together, and see if they had any Baby Einstein DVDs. Well, turns out those are popular, and every single Baby Einstein movie is not only checked out, but reserved for the next person in line already. So we got a Veggie Tales DVD instead-- "Silly Songs with Larry"-- and he loves it. That's good news, because I love it too! I'm actually going to just have to buy the whole series, because I really enjoy all of the Veggie Tales episodes; they have great music, fun characters, and positive messages in every show. And the Silly Songs are absolutely hilarious. I still remember the words to my favorites from watching them with my niece almost ten years ago, which is either a testament to the songwriters' genius or an example of my own silly nature. Probably both.

Preconceived Ideas...

... what is it they say about "assumptions" making asses out of people? It's funny... people seem to have very specific ideas about what Burning Man is and why we are going, but in reality 100% of those people have never been to it. Where are they getting their ideas about what Burning Man is all about? I sincerely doubt any of them has even taken the time to go to the website and check it out from the original source. No, just like many of today's journalists, there is no time to be wasted looking for "facts" or "data" or trying to verify whether something you read is gospel or not. It's just so much easier to listen to rumors, gossip, or hearsay, and then make up your mind without having to do any actual research or analysis. Many of the people who have discovered that we are attending Burning Man this year have had fairly negative reactions, and seem to think that we are heading into a sort of modern Sodom and Gomorrah situation here. They think that we are going in order to discard our values and dissolve the standards that we live by in our normal, day-to-day lives, so that we can be completely free of any boundaries that morality places upon us. Hmm... so far, sounds good!

Actually, I was being slightly facetious there. I personally see this as an experience that will help me to remember the free, wild, innocent child-like me that's living inside this mommy-wife-provider who has to be responsible and worry about bills and wear certain clothes and plan out recipes, and just generally live the roles I've chosen. I want just one week where I can be Me, the me with a capital M, the individual, the me who exists in a more hidden place and who needs to breathe every so often. I want to dress up and wear costumes and act silly, to take risks and introduce myself to strangers and watch fire dancers and soak up the positive energy of thousands of free spirits and open souls. And if that sounds too hippie for someone else, so be it. I'm not making them go!

Furr Play

FurrPlay is one of the vendors we saw at the Burning Man Prepare for the Playa event on Saturday. They were awesome! She had such a huge variety of furs, all different colors and designs and items, from wrist cuffs to hats to tops and coats. It was so cool, and the owner and creator Gwen was such a sweet lady, and very friendly. Along with several other vendors, she also volunteers as a Greeter at the gates to Burning Man, so I'm sure we'll see her again when we go. :)

Back to the costume extravaganza-- I was coveting so much stuff at the Grotto, it was ridiculous. I felt like I was one of those cartoon creatures, walking around with my jaw dropped and my tongue lolling out, just drooling over all of the amazing, beautiful, funky creations all around us. It was a good thing I didn't have any money or else it all would've been spent in moments. There were so many things to look at that I hardly knew where to turn! You can see the vendors' individual websites with their items here. Most of these are a bit out of my price range, but they are actually priced very well for hand-made, often one-of-a-kind artistic creations. At least we know they weren't made with slave labor from another country, I guess.

Burning Man... and so it begins

Although we've been planning this for some time now, it really hasn't hit me that we are actually going to go to Burning Man this August until today. Perhaps that is due to the uncertainty over how we would handle Ethan's care during that time; I kept a fairly large doubt in the back of my mind that we would even be able to get something nailed down in time, and considered the option of trying to sell our tickets if nothing came through. But like I noticed earlier, we have some wonderful friends out there. When I mentioned that we needed help, BOOM! They jumped at the chance. I actually had more offers than I could use, believe it or not! At this point, he will be staying with friends up north for the first half of the trip, then with a friend here in town for the second half of the trip. If I don't go crazy from missing him, I will be surprized. This will be the first time we've been away from him for more than 12 hours... and it will be TEN DAYS!!! Ugh. I can't really spend too much time thinking about it, or I'll convince myself not to go.

This Saturday, we'll be heading out to San Francisco for the Burning Man season opener Prepare for the Playa. They'll be having workshops about how to have a great Burn experience, fashion shows with tons of fur, LED costumes, steampunk, etc., and lots more. I can't wait! After meeting with our new camp-mates earlier this week, I've really started to feel the adrenalin pumping about this trip... pictures will be posted, never fear, with identities blurred to save the not-so-innocent.

Hostess With the Mostest

Today I was lucky enough to travel with my mother, my sister, my niece, and my son to go visit family in Fresno. I say "lucky" not only because the company was great, but because my aunt is one of the best hostesses I know. She's amazing! She always has more than enough food for everyone, and it's always delicious. She has a mix of company varied enough that there is always movement, conversation, snippets of laughter, and interesting discussions going on in various parts of the house. And the best part of it all is that there is always a sense of love and warmth at her parties. It just feels so inviting and comfortable to spend time with her; it is the aura that I would think every hostess would strive for when having guests over. It's my goal to be like that, too, instead of what I usually am-- stressing over some minutiae that hardly matter, or worrying that there isn't enough fill-in-the-blank (beverage, food, seating, guests, etc. ad nauseum).

I'm thinking about starting up a mom's group in my city. There don't seem to be many options for those of us who stay at home but don't want to join one of those "Buy my product!" groups, where they get together ostensibly for fun but really to try to sell their energy bars or vitamins or whatever. I'd also *love* to get a ladies' game night going, one where we could play Mah Jongg or May I? or Scrabble, eat some cute finger foods, and maybe have a mojito or two. Maybe the reason why I'm taking so long to get either one of those going is because I'm too self-conscious about my hosting skills... I need some training, stat!

Friends

A close friend just reminded me that, when you need something, a true friend won't have to be asked-- they offer their help and support, because that's what friends do for each other. It really hit me somewhere vulnerable, somewhere my feelings and fears are hidden, somewhere I try to pretend I don't need other people and I am as independent as they come. It was as if someone just reached out and took the heavy grocery bag out of my hands, or started doing the sink full of dishes after a dinner party, or picked up the baby before I could even get to him when he started crying. It was a sort of unspoken willingness to be there and be a "partner in crime" that really got to me; it's what I've been lucky enough to have very few times in my life, and now I've got two amazing women in my life who are happy to be that kind of friend.

It's not so much that I didn't know that friends do those sorts of things; it's more that it is very easy to forget, and I need to be reminded every so often. It is so difficult for me to ask for help in the first place. It's like I have this driving need to appear completely capable and self-reliant at all times. Well, guess what? It's not so easy once you have a child around who is completely relying on you to be there for him 24 hours a day. Sometimes, you need a break, or some help, or a babysitter, or more than that-- sometimes (as is the case with Burning Man) you need an entire network of supporters who can tag team each other in and out of the babysitting ring, and god willing you have some loving, supportive, trustworthy people out there you can rely on for this most precious, special gig. And guess what? I do. Thank you to each of them for being that most cherished of people-- a friend.

Freezer Meals

My favorite book for the past couple of weeks:
Don't Panic - Dinner's in the Freezer: Great-Tasting Meals You Can Make Ahead I don't typically use cookbooks, as I'm usually on allrecipes.com instead, but this one really works for me. The author gives recipes that work beautifully for freezing in bulk and either reheating and serving, or doing just a little bit of prep and cooking on the day you serve it.

Some of the recipes I'll be using for camping (ahem, Burning Man) because they are simply reheated on the day you serve them include:
* Meatballs
* Cottage Pie
* French Steak
* Rocky Mountain Beef Brisket with Barbecue Sauce
Can you tell I'm having a red meat fixation right now? YUM!

The book is very easy to read and the instructions are clear and simple. She gives you the original recipe (6-10 servings), then what the proportions would be if it was x2, x4, or x6. I'm finding it comes in handy to buy meat or veggies in bulk when they go on sale, because then I can chop, prep, and put them into a meal rather than just freeze them uncooked in multiple packages, putting off the preparation until later. It has also been allowing me to have more time with my family at night, instead of being stuck in the kitchen, because all I have to do is defrost and reheat most of the meals. And they're still delicious! Anyway, *love* the book.

Family Traditions: Weekly and Monthly Rituals

More thoughts inspired by reading The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays & Everydays
I'd like to start some regular family traditions that have nothing to do with holidays or birthdays. I am really drawn to the idea of holding weekly family meetings, where we can go over our upcoming appointments and other calendar issues, talk about problems/challenges and brainstorm solutions, make long-term plans, and celebrate good things that happened that week. It would really go far to helping teach kids about communication, conflict resolution, goal-setting, and besides all that would be a great place to keep connected no matter how busy we get over the years.

I also like the idea of hosting a monthly pot-luck/BBQ/pizza party where we invite a different family each time... eventually, as the kids get older, they could be in charge of the menu, invitations, hosting duties, etc. What a fun way to teach responsibility, and how to deal with entertaining guests, and so much more.

A special father-focused ritual that the author of the book discussed was about dad spending time with one child, alone, at a specific time each month or week. One dad made time each week for "dates with dad" where his son chose the activity (bowling, going to the hobby store, riding bikes together). Another dad had "Full Moon Walks" with each child when they turned 10 years old; he would take them out once a month during the full moon, and they would head out to a more forested area and just walk and talk and hang out at night, just the child and their father. How special is that! Now I just have to convince Joel...

Family Traditions: Coming of Age

I really, really, really want to incorporate some coming-of-age rituals for our kid(s). There are several that I've read about for girls; some get a new ring (possibly a ruby, for the red connection) to celebration the onset of adulthood, some get to meet with a circle of women from the extended family/friends who share about womanhood and give advice and support; some get a new book about body changes and a special dinner. One that I read about and loved involved taking the girl to the beach at night. They set up a circle of sparklers, and the girl walked into the center of the circle. A woman would get up and join her in the circle, and speak about what the girl meant to her, what she was like as a girl and what she hoped for her as a woman, and so on. It sounded so special and spiritual and very sweet; I'm wondering about setting one up like that for my favorite niece in the world...

For boys, there are other suggestions for honoring their transition into adolescence and adulthood. In one family, the weekend that a son turned 13, he would go on a long camping trip alone with his dad. Along the way, they would read and talk about manhood rituals, engage in a physical challenge (kayak, etc.), and so on. I like that a bit, but I actually prefer ones I've read about where a group of boys went with their dads for this trip; at a bonfire, the fathers would stand and talk about why they were proud of their son, what manhood meant to them, and what they hoped for the future. It seems more like the sparkler ceremony that the girls have... I like the incorporation of fire, and the idea of involving other boys and their dads. I also like the idea of getting other men in his life together to pledge their support for him as he enters adolescence. He needs adult male mentors around him as he grows; that'll be a challenge for us, as we live near so few of Joel's male friends.

For both girls and boys, I think they need a special day where they sit down and talk with mom and dad about the body, sex, hormones, love, etc.-- "The Talk"-- and I think that it needs to happen before age 13, when it's already been discussed by classmates and seen all over TV and the internet. I think we'll plan it for age 10 or age 11... get 'em early!

Family Traditions: Thanksgiving

Growing up, Thanksgiving was full of ritual-- the same foods every year, pretty much, the table set with the nicest dishes (usually china), and the family wearing our best clothes. We also had guests over many times, which was nice because it kept everyone on their best behavior. (Usually.) As a kid, I remember loving Thanksgiving the most out of every holiday, even birthdays; or maybe that's because my birthday was right around Thanksgiving, and every few years fell right on it. Either way, I loved the smell of the food cooking, the bustling around the kitchen, the chatter of guests and the dressing up and using our "special" dishes and table settings... We had turkey, stuffing, jellied cranberry sauce, olives (for the fingertips, of course), corn, mashed potatoes with my mom's famous gravy, dinner rolls, candied sweet potatoes-- the kind with the marshmallow topping-- and of course, dessert. We had pumpkin pie, mincemeat pie, and sometimes apple pie. It was a crazy huge feast, and we would have leftovers for days, which was probably the best part of the meal. :)

For our family, I think I'd like to keep the formality of Thanksgiving dinner, but change up the meal a bit every year. Maybe we can keep the turkey the same, but I really have this driving need to have different dishes each Thanksgiving. For instance, I can't stand pumpkin pie-- but I love pumpkin cheesecake and other pumpkin-related dishes. The last few years, I've made pumpkin cheesecake in a gingerbread crust, pumpkin squares, pumpkin cake, and so on. I think I'll keep that tradition going; a new pumpkin-related dessert every year. Or maybe not even pumpkin-related; I'm getting all crazy in here! I also like to try new stuffings every year, and make homemade cranberry sauce-- it's more of a chutney, actually-- and I think I'll stick with that as well. I did find this unbelievably delicious green bean dish that is to die for, and I think that might be a staple for the next several years... is that how this tradition thing gets started?

I'd also like to add some meaningful rituals to our Thanksgiving, to really get the most out of the special day. There were two great ideas in the book. One was the "Thankful Box": Make a cardboard box with a slit in it the week before Thanksgiving; everyone writes down things they're thankful for, then people take turns reading them aloud during the feast. Another idea was "Thank-You Notes": The week before, have everyone write a note or two for special people who won't be joining you for dinner (anyone from Coach to Grandma); at Thanksgiving, have everyone say a few words about who they thanked, and why. I think it's really important that our family remembers to have gratitude and to practice showing it and telling each other how thankful we are for each other. And besides, it feels good-- to hear it, and to say it.

Family Traditions: Christmas

I've been really thinking a lot about which family traditions I loved as a child and want to keep for my family, and which new ones I want to make a part of our future with Ethan and whoever else becomes a part of the Joel & Melanie clan. I want to make sure we have certain things that we do every year at the same time to honor and recognize special events, and that we can start doing daily or monthly rituals as well. I know that rituals are important: they help us make memories and connect to our family; they help us get through tough times and help generate a feeling of stability and security; they help us know ourselves better and build a sense of personal and family identity; and they can be silly, special, or sacred depending on the day. And I want them for my family!

Many of the rituals I remember from childhood are connected to holidays. At Christmas, for instance, we had several rituals we went through every year, or else it just wasn't Christmas. First, we lived in a desert and had an artificial tree. It was important to be able to have all of us put the tree parts together; green with green, red with red, and so on. And then we would decorate with all of our old, familiar ornaments, telling stories sometimes when we found our favorites. Then, on Christmas Eve, we would get to open one gift each, and all of the kids would go sleep in the same room. In the early morning when we awoke, we would find full stockings outside the bedroom door. Inside were gum, oranges, small toys, tiny books, snacks or chocolates, and other little gifts, just enough to keep us busy for another hour or two until my parents were ready to wake up and come downstairs. Once they were ready, we were allowed to go downstairs, where suddenly all of these presents appeared under the tree. One person usually ended up the designated "Santa" and brought people's gifts to them. After the flurry of opening presents, we would start preparing for our breakfast/brunch feast.

One thing I didn't like about Christmas was how blase we were about our multitude of gifts. We took so much for granted! In the book I'm reading, one family gives each child only three gifts, because that is how many baby Jesus got in the Bible. Interesting idea... they also make it a treasure hunt, with clues leading to more clues which lead eventually to the hiding place of the gift(s). I like that idea-- but for birthdays, not Christmas. I also liked the idea of getting everyone a new set of pajamas each Christmas. At least then they look good in the photos, right?

This is the book I have been reading:

Primo: The Beginning, Part 1

So, the beginning... the start of it all... the first post on my blog. What to say? How do I grab your attention and keep it for at least the next few minutes? With promises of witty and entertaining banter, or a deep discussion of life's quandaries? Oh, the dilemma... but not really. This isn't meant to be an award-winning, groundbreaking blog that uncovers the mysteries of life. It's just me, talking to you, about stuff that's important to me and that I think you might find interesting or amusing or at least a better waste of time than whatever project you were just working on so intently. So put up your feet, relax, and have a good time!

I don't have much of that right now-- time, that is-- as my son Ethan is sitting on my lap and trying with every ounce of his being to reach the keyboard. Looks like this is going to be a nap-time and late-night project for me. Along with my Burning Man costumes, scrapbooking, and photo archiving. Oh, and DVD creation. But that's just *this* month. ;)

Cubist Food

Ethan LOVES to eat! Maybe not three times a day, but definitely mid-day he loves his baby food. So far, we've had great luck with the bananas, applesauce, sweet potatoes, carrots, and even peas and summer veggies. Soon, I'll be able to start making my own baby food and keeping it in the 2 oz. baby cubes in the freezer. I can't wait! Oh, and to save money-- you know, because I'll be out of a job starting this month-- I'm also planning on using cloth diapers at home (disposable when we're out on a trip). That should save some serious cash... even if it is a bit yuckier!